How to raise a Hive Queen

by Ludatan

Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Traumatising content

This story is about a newborn Hive Queen, which gets raised in an unexpected environment. The first part of the story will focus on her development and the challenges that come with it. Eventually she will start to produce her own swarm of hive creatures.

The species of the Hive Queen is called the Sylv and they are a insectoid species with an hive mind. The Sylv can evolve themselves through extracting traits from other non Sylv creatures. This is limited to modify the basic set of creatures the Sylv can produce, they are not able to create completely new creatures. In this regard they are more like ants, who have workers, soldiers and queen ants. The Sylv live underground in so called hive complexes and use living structures in them to produce more of their kind. The Hive Queen is the leader of a Sylv Hive and responsible for evolving the swarm.

This novel takes place in a fantasy setting and was inspired by other hive species like the Zerg from "Starcraft" made by Blizzard Entertainment, the Arachnea from "Her majesty's swarm" published on j-novel club, and the Vex from "I don't want to be the Hive Queen" by ValetheHowl.

I really enjoy stories with an organic hive mind species and want to contribute myself. The focus and theme of this story will change as the Hive Queen matures and defines the goals she wants to achieve.

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Author
Ludatan

Ludatan

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RedPine
Overall

Practice tenses, thats the only serious problem.

Reviewed at: Magic and instincts

Tldr: Story is a great writing exercise (started as part of a writathon) but author needs lots of practice.  Only read if you want to help out a new author with constructive criticism.

Dear author: please do the following exercise:

Google a chart of english tenses.

Look at one of your paragraphs, any of them.

Place a pencil on whatever tense the paragraph starts in, and draw a line to the new tense on the chart every time the paragraph changes tense, including mid sentence.

Do this for at least 5 paragraphs. You will see some very strange squiggles on your chart. 

The second most serious issue is changing povs and voice without warning, mid paragraph and sometimes mid sentence.  First person is fine, second is fine, third can work, but if you scramble them the result looks like barfed eggs.

Most authors use a line break, chapter break, or at least a new paragraph when switching povs.  I usually prefer when povs stay the same for each chapter.  If the writing is good, you can infer thoughts withought switching povs as long as you know the characters well enough.  Ymmv on this method.

That aside, i look forward to your writing.  Being a cute story with cute characters makes things tolerable.  Keep practicing, I want to see how you write in a year or two.

TheRealKane
Overall

interesting setting. lets see how this evolves

Reviewed at: Revelations and development

this is a nice combination - a hive queen with some D&D setting. The story evolves slowly and keeps one interested in the next chapter. The author evolves as well - each chapter a bit better then the one before. The setup with a family adopting a hive queen calls for problems :-) Keep writing!

esotericist
Overall

viable premise marred by sub narrative flow issues

Reviewed at: Introduction and Discovery

i could barely get through the first chapter, and couldn't the second. author presents everything in a thoroughly detached fashion, almost like reading a shopping list rather than descriptions of people or events.  despite being intrigued by the fundamental premise, there just isn't enough here for me to develop interest in, nevermind emotional investment

ModAddict
Overall

Fun, but not much to read yet as it's early

Reviewed at: Starting the lessons

It's a lovely story though at the time of writing this review there hasn't been any major plot. For now it feels more cute and feel-good than serious and bloody. Information about the world in general isn't overwhelming which is an issue I normally have with many new writers. I have no complaints about spelling or grammar. It is obvious though the writer doesn't have English as a first language. The way people talk and think is just a bit off. That doesn't negatively impact the story in my eyes but I can imagine that might be different for other people. My advice for this story, if you like the concept of a young intelligent humanoid monster growing up in a regular family then read at least the first 10-15 chapters and see if you like it.

@writer don't worry about the language. Your proofreader seems to be catching everything that's wrong and the rest is a learning experience, not something you can force.