- Sexual Content
- Traumatising content
An ordinary bus filled with ordinary students and teachers going on an ordinary field trip. No one could have foreseen the crash that whisked them into another world.
Now lost in a harsh land filled with superhuman women that stalk the lands like human-shaped monsters, these ordinary people have to learn the rules fast. Taming and surviving the trials and tribulations of finding one's own place in a society bred by a past war that exceeds all human concepts of destruction may change them in ways they never thought possible.
Or allow what was already there to blossom.
Tags: Second Person Perspective (You), Male Protagonist, Character Development, Harem.
Technically the story is complete, I'm transcribing and rewriting things. This was a quest/campaign I ran a couple of years ago and am trying to adjust it to story format (and adding new stuff where I can).
Updates every day at 16:00 CST (at least until the backlog is burned through).
🍋: Heavy lemon content
🍋🍋: It's all lemons
* : Beta read/checked
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The story follows a group of people, students, teachers and parents that were somehow isekai'd into a pokemon like reality. According to the author, the story is based on the moves of players in a game.
Style: The story is written in the second person, with lots of action scenes right from the beginning. The writer from one scene to next as our survivers find themselves constantly staring death in the face at almost every turn. Heavy use of sexual scenes and strong harm undertones throughout the entire story.
Story: The story focuses on Rick; a hound teacher who becomes the reluctant MC and defacto leader of a small group of survivors. Throughout the story, there is constant action, suspense and fear for the survivors, who have to come to terms with being in another world where monsters can be collected in special spheres.
Grammer: Well written and concise. No obvious grammatical errors. Careful application of the second-person in order make the reader more involved in the story and to evoke feelings and emotions in the reader.
Characters: Rick is a slightly confused MC with little understanding of how to survive in the wild. I think he capitulates just too easy to Monica. Although I think the story has great promise, I've yet to find a strong character that stands out for me in the story.
Personally I'm not a fan of harem stories, I feel that most authors use the genre as a crutch in order not to focus on their world and character building. But surprisingly, this one is well written, both in characters and world building. But I fear the story might not be able to escape being labeled as a pokemon rip-off.
I read this story before on another website, I'm definitely looking forward to seeing it cleaned up and made whole. I remember thinking the characters were very compelling and enjoying their growth through the story. The setting is something I feel conflicted about, but the story makes it work by having the characters react naturally to it instead of ignoring it like many other stories in the same setting do. I hope that besides just cleaning up the story, the writer will sneak in a new scene here and there, or maybe a longer epilogue!
The story overall was pretty interesting to read. It's been a while since I've read one of these and I have to say that it was... dark to say the least. However, it wasn't as dark as I imagined it to be but that's just me since I have a higher threshold. The plot is a bit of a slow burn but it's perfect for this type of story in which the character and his friends are stranded in another world. With chapter 16 onward, the world builds itself, creating a sort of pseudo-totalitarian government, at least from the point of view of the monster girls. The author states the relationship between Monster Girls and humanity isn't the best. The story flows rather nicely and I was able to seamlessly read from one plot point to the next without running into any needless exposition within the story. Any other exposition that was presented as necessary for the development of the plot and was nice to absorb. In addition, the protagonist has clear goals that he wants to achieve and actively works to move the plot forward.
Grammar and Spelling
The grammar was pretty great. It's very rare to find near-perfect grammar in any story. There were only a few errors here and there but they're minor mistakes and don't hamper the storytelling in any way.
This is a bit tricky since I took the role of the protagonist. I found myself disconnected from him at times but overall liked his progression. He is forced into a situation that he didn't ask for and acted accordingly, which is as realistic as it can get for someone in that situation, other than panicking. However, there are times such as the scene at the Medical Center where he gets seduced by a nurse and goes along with it. It, to me at least, is rather odd for someone whose first question was "Where are the others?" He has a clear goal that resonates with his situation: Survive. Of course, this changes upon reaching the village with his current goal being to get Monica back. There are lots of goods and bads with Rick but he is a well-balanced protagonist overall.
Meownica/Monica (Haha! I'm a sucker for puns) is very interesting. Initially, she came off as a (and pardon my words, this is my initial impression of her without the background info) sex-crazed cat but over time, she progressed into something else. I can see that you researched your psychology, especially that of feral children/people. I always thought that all Monster Girls were like her, especially with the bat girl at the beginning but the introduction of intelligent monster girls at the beginning of chapter 15 onwards. Her "rehabilitation" was interesting, to say the least. While it came off at first as them teaching her how to be human, learning later on about monster girls going feral gives her character more depth due to it being an actual psychological condition.
The other characters give realistic reactions to having been placed in a world where slavery is the social norm. I believe that is the most natural reaction of anyone from our world to slavery as a whole. We are taught that slavery is abhorrent and their reactions fit that bill. Even Rick's reactions to the notion of ownership and learning about the mind-wipe and brainwashing that Monster Girls go through is realistic.
My favorite character by far has to be Monica, merely because she triggers my psychology senses. Other than that, Dia is amusing to read.
There is one thing I'd like to suggest adding is have the consequences have more effects on Rick. So far, the consequences seemed to be more severe for the side characters and not for the MC. Having Rick suffer more would bring more life to the story, I believe.
Others (Style, Miscellaneous, Suggestions, etc.)
The story is very descriptive with gore when it wants to be. But, it doesn't go overboard with the gore. It walks a perfect line of being graphic. It's not too overly graphic and not too underwhelming. I think this is something most authors I've seen have failed to grasp. It's always one or the other. However, I could do with fewer lewd scenes but that's just me. It just seemed out of place at the beginning of the story.
The worldbuilding is very interesting. The author has a clear sense of what he wants out of this world. He has a clear set of social issues, governmental structure, and the structure of the professions. These are all presented with a lot of clarity. The lore behind the origins of Monster Girls and the events leading to the current state of the world was very interesting to read. I especially find the bonds interesting and would like to learn more specifics about them in the future.
I'm not used to reading a ReaderInsert!OC story so the use of the 2nd POV was rather jarring for me. Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm just too used to reading either 1st or 3rd. (That and Wattpad sort of ruined these for me) However, your story, despite my bias, was entertaining with me feeling like I was part of this world. Still, it was hard for me to insert myself into that personality. This is mainly because my personality didn't mesh with the one had for Rick's. At least, I think this is how Reader Insert stories work.
Final Thoughts/Overall Opinion
I enjoyed this story very much and would binge it again. I had initial reservations when I saw that it was a Reader Insert story however, I was pleasantly surprised. The characters were enjoyable (apart from some interactions that Rick had with some characters, namely Dia). The plot and world were interesting to learn about and it makes me want more. All in all, this story deserves to be read and I would recommend this to others who wish for an alternative look into the Monster Girl Capture story.
Rav starts the story by pulling the carpet from under your feet. You come into the story expecting happy-go-lucky sex and a slavish harem, and the author throws you into a death-world. One where the sexy monstergirls are also the things that will fuck you before killing and eating you.
Expect the protagonist to be the weakest member of the team at all times. This is SnuSnu land, and every member of the team has their own goals and preferences, none really aligning.
Rick: A normal human from this world that got thrown into the crazy monstergirl death-world. His progress as he spirals down further and further is clear and logical, cold even. You can feel how, bit by bit, he's turning into something else entirely.
The Harem: Each monstergirl is several orders of magnitude stronger than Rick and some are even taller too (best girl Monica). You should come into the story expecting a complex background and a set of shifting priorities.
Not Monica though, she's a killing machine that doesn't give a fuck. She gets all the cuddles she wants when she wants them (and pouts when she doesn't, she's adorable. 10/10 this is a Monica story).
FYI: I read the , and I voted on the things we did back then, fun times. This version's better.
The story: Credible. But it's really the wet dreams of all young boys. Monstergirls with inhuman prowess in sexual skills, which by the way NEED you to fuck them otherwise they go insane. Plus the society kinda makes them want to serve you (most of the time). That credible. I mean, beside that part of the setting, the way the world was built makes sense. Following that premise of superhuman strong powerful monsters, a way to tame them, enslave them and all that was natural. That, or humanity perishes. The second wasn't an interesting setting...
Anyway. The story is not so bad, I actually am enjoying it so far. It's not badly written sex scenes, full stop. Don't get me wrong. There are some of those. Well, not really BADLY written. But not goodly written either. Just... written, i guess. Some were hotter than others. There's also a plot, and the characters are going for something apparently.
The world building seems a little off. The author doesn't seem to know what day is the fictional festivity he literally invented. One time is in june or something, the other is Valentine's Day... And the MC hears about this festivity at least two times and STILL needs to ask what it was the third, because yeah... of course he forgets that there's a day his monstergirls can leave him if he's not a good master! Makes sense...
And now, talking about the characters...
The main character heard this world enslaves monstergirls (which mind you, are SENTIENT, sometimes even more intelligent than humans), and simply goes all "well, I guess everyone is doing it... Might as well dig in!" and start fucking around. Spoilers. Not really. And goes enslaving them and doing things like brainwashing them. It's just a button away! Pretty convenient! Might as well do it. He's not an asshole though, really. It's all because he wants to survive and this is really the best way to do it. No sarcasm here, I'm serious. I probably would do the same given the information I was given. Plus and minus some choices, but oh well, each person is different from the next. He's a credible fella, kudos for that.
Some other characters are plain uncredible, like some guy that is literally getting drained to a slow death from a succubus (yep, there's succubuses. Did you doubt it? Fool!) and when the MC TAKES AWAY said succubus from him and shows him that she wasn't interested in him like he thought and she was going to try and keep him apart from the other monstergirls just to have fun and then leave him anyway he shows proper gratitude. By screaming at MC and almost assaulting him. Yep, what anyone would do.
Monstergirls are written well (personality wise). They have a different view from us, so I can respect how he wrote them. Some of the humans are also not that badly written, but overall... disappointing.
The style. First chapter the author is not sure what to use. First person? Second? Third? Nah. Let's mishmash the three to make you as confused as possible! You? He? Whatever. You'll get the hang of it by the end of the chapter. And you don't need to get used to it, because after that he sticks to the second person, thank god for that. The style the author writes is not bad. Actually, it's good. Shows emotions and thoughts of people, as well as expressions. But lacks in describing places in my opinion. It's like things appear out of nowhere. There's a chair, now there's two (not an actual example here, more of a general thing). He's also not describing the physical appereance of monstergirls, and sometimes even plain normal characters. He's putting images. While I appreciate the fanservice, it's a downside for the style. And for your internet if you read on mobiles. 4 Stars here is an exaggeration probably. I'm feeling generous.
Grammar score is 2.5 because EVERY chapter there's multiple mistakes or things written in a really confusing way. Sometimes the order of the words is swapped around, some others the words used are plain wrong. I know where it comes from. The guy is spanish, I'm italian. I recognise the mistakes, because it's the ones I've made in my time as a beginner. How he's writing such a story with some of those gaps in the english language is beyond me, but worth of praise, so don't judge him too harshly, but kindly point out those mistakes to him in a comment, so he can learn from them. I sure am trying (I feel quite proficient in the language, but still... I am a foreigner too).
For the author. I am enjoying this story. Still at chapter 66. Whenever I'm not on mobile, I'll point out your grammar/spelling/whatever mistakes. On phone I can't, sorry. Too much autocorrecting from it makes it hard to not smash it to the ground!
Take this review for what is intended to be, a constructive critics to improve your work. And please, PLEASE. Fix your first chapter. It's a punch in one's eye. Now you've gotten better at writing, go fix it. You'll get more people continuing past the first. Keep up the good work!
A Protagonist that I can relate to as a man in his twenties, point is there is rationality expressed by the characters, they aren't 2D. Not even the monstergirls. Very interested in where this will go. Author probably went way to far with their psychoanalisis of each character before adding them to the story.
Warning: Harem seeking male protagonist. Like it or skip.
This fiction borrows tits and bits from different fictional universes to create its own. It would be correct to say it borrows bits from Pokémon/Fullmetal Alchemist and tits from Anonymoose Saga. It is a big crossover with most of the copyrighted content altered or replaced, except for some illustrations left in the first chapters.
The original parts cleverly build a world that is not filled with idiots. It also gives a compelling reason for the MC to seek a harem. It constrasts with many harem seeking protagonist stories and makes this story as enjoyable as the genre it belongs to allows.
Reviewing the lemons (sexual content)--they are okay. I think more and more detailed would be better. There is definitivelly a choice to not focus on it but I can hardly understand the author because sexual relations are a key element in the lore. Simply put, this should be pr0n with a story but it isn't.
Because this story enters the Royal Road Writathon challenge I'll add a few more things. Quote: "For the duration of the contest, the story can’t include sexual content." I'm not sure what's RR policy on the definition of 'sexual content' but I think there is going to be an issue there. And even you restrict lemons, as stated before, I still don't think that's a good idea.
The worst part about this story was the 2nd persond view, which I eventually got over.
**SPOILERS** The harem hook is fairly fresh because while it looks like NTR at first it's literally an isekai MC training monstergirls into civilized beings. It's been done before but this is a particularly good and thought out method.
Assuming the author keeps this up I'm giving it 5/5 it could be some really original and awesome stuff.
This could have been a great story, the start seemed alright exept for the useless and long introduction of a character in chapter 1. (not gonna say more it would spoil)
Unfortunately while the foolishness of one character is punished, and it's ok, the stupidity of another one isn't (on two occasion, bat and cat, if you see what i mean). Which make it look like rules are harsh, but not for the MC.
And i can't believe in a world like that. (no hint of him having special ability) There was no explanation for that, don't introduce rules then throw them away one chapter after.
Grammar of the story is good, well for me it is, so it might not say much.