Rise of the Archon (Rewrite)
In the Kingdom of Ferris, mages are not born but made. Through the might of both magic and arms, Ferris has grown to become the most powerful nation in the known world. Born into this world, a young boy named Vayne was taken in as a child and trained as an advisor for a noble family. His life was set, and he would live and die as their servant, never knowing anything else.
However, a vision of his future reveals a terrible truth. His destiny was to become the strongest mage in Ferris, only to fall in battle before thirty, fighting invaders from beyond the ocean. This leaves Vayne at a crossroads. Will he follow this path and die in servitude? Will he see his life cut short, fighting a fruitless battle? Or will he defy fate and forge himself into the greatest mage the world has seen?
A rewrite of my first story, with some pretty hefty storyline changes and improvements.
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TLDR: read this, it's a work of art
To give some context, this is a rewrite of a previous story. The original was incredible, believable characters, great magic system, engaging story, all the works. We don't have much to go off of right now (currently at chapter 3), but even if this story doesn't change from the original at all, its an easy 5 stars. I genuinely can not wait.
Edit: We've got some more to go off now, and oh boy is it incredible. Similar overarching plot to the original, which is very much a good thing, but the details and sub-plots are changing noticeably from the original. Every change I've noticed so far has made the story better, it flows nicely, Vayne feels human, everything makes sense, but most of all its INTERESTING. I've already read this damn plot and I got hooked AGAIN.
Let me preface this by saying that I reviewed the original a long time ago, so some of the scores might be reflective of events that have not happened yet.
When I saw this story back on trending, I felt really happy, because this story was already great in its original form. In the rewrite, though, it gets even better. I've only read the first chapter so far, but you can immediately tell how much the author's style has matured over time. It flows so smooth now, and the way that Havoc weaves thought into thought is incredible.
The MC also feels so real now, in a way that really brings a smile to my face. To make a total stretch of a metaphor, it's like seeing a webcomic getting adapted into a true manga.
The main thing that drew me in to this story first, though, was the magic system. Not to spoil anything, but like the title says, I absolutely love the concept, and it allows for some really interesting dynamics as the world gets built around us. I mean, where else do you see such a give-and-take system that absolutely flips the linear sort of progression found in litRPG and cultivation on its head?
I'll leave it at this for now, since I haven't read too much of the actual rewrite. If it keeps it up, though, I wouldn't be surprised to see it break into the top of trending in a few days.
In short: I've enjoyed what I've read so far. There have been nice twists that makes known cliches seem original and function well.
Style: It is in some ways obvious that this is a re-write, and this seems to be a benefit for the wording and style of the author (I have not read the original). There is "intent" behind the chapters, and the main character isn't just drifting through the action. He seems reflected, and the author has up till now managed to keep me engaged with his writing and characters.
Story: As mentioned there are some cliches (more powerfull future self helping Vayne), but done in a way that I consider relatively original, and one that makes sense in so far that it is a world of magic. The plot has moved with a nice pace so far, and I enjoy that Vayne takes to magic with relative ease. (I hope of course that the difficulty of him learning spells goes up, and doesn't continue with the current "I read spell, I do spell". Granted this is only for basic spells, but you hopefully get my point.)
Grammar: I'm not a native english speaker, but I have not noticed any jarring mistakes that makes for unclear or unreadable sentences. There may places where the sentences could be "more" clear, but that is the case for all stories.
Characters: I do like the way that Havoc up to the current point has done the characters, BUT there is a trap he/she could fall into in the future. The main character Vayne feels like a person, but he does seem to be a bit on the paranoid side. He has certain experiences making up for this, but it can get tiring to read about a character that only think interpersonal relationsships in terms of cost-benefit.
The side-characters have been a bit on the predictable side, and that is not neccessarily a problem, but they could be more unique.
Introductory girl seems to be a happy-go-lucky rebel nobel girl that accepts people as they are, Master Jilian is eccentric with a bit of mysitque that helps Vayne and Sigmund is the traditional gruff trainer dude assigned to the MC to get him in shape. (A bit of a pattern if I do say so myself) Nevertheless they are enjoyable, it is early in the story and I think the character of Girim was very well done, so it may be too early to judge the other ones as they can be fleshed out in future chapters.
That's it I guess, I enjoyed reading the first few chapters, and hopefully the story goes on with the interesting concept, and introduce new twists that I won't see coming.
The basic story of a young hero who has to get powerful to save the country/world/universe is a common one. What distinguishes this webnovel is that it is done very well.
Style: I love the style of writing here, the pacing is on point and the tone strikes the right balance of conversational and descriptive that a lot of authors struggle with. There is no arduous lore drop, we are fed the background of the world slowly in a way that makes me want more.
Grammar : The story loses a mark here unfortunately. It doesn't spoil the story but it could use a little work. So for the most part the grammar is fine, though its not really something that I tend to notice. However, I have noticed several easy to catch typos that do detract from the overall quality of the writing. These are the kind of things that would have been caught very easily with a quick read over before posting. I feel like the author should refine their editing process. In the chapter I just read there was one exchange where it seemed obvious to me that they had deleted a sentence but hadn't changed the dialogue that came after to reflect that.
Story : Full marks on this point, the story is a classic one but being 100% original isn't neccessary to write a good tale. There is a reason this trope exists. The author has thrown in enough twists to make the story feel fresh and I look forwards to reading this to completion. I actually considered going to read the original because I wanted to binge the whole story and there are only 15 chapeters out currently.
Character score : Full marks here again. The main character is compelling and comes across as a believable main character, I think this is a strength of the rewrite in that the MC has a well fleshed out personality rather than being a brand new character with little depth to them. Side characters are distinct and memorable, and we dont spend too much or too little time with them.
I find this story really enjoyable so far. It starts with major forshadowing but then pulls you back and tell you how none of that can happen and the furture needs changed.
Our MC Vayne does not feel overpowered beyound reason or anything at this point. Everything is realistic, as much as a magical world can be, to the point that the story could be about Joe from down the block.
At it heart it is about a boy who is trying to change his fate and we are along for the ride to see if he is able to. It will be interesting to see if the MC can really change what is impossible fate and time itself.
I may not have conviced you to read this story with this review yet and for that I am sorry but it comes down to this..... if you want a good read and an interesting and unqiue story give Rise of the Archon a shot I know you wont be disipointed.
The original version is a great story, but with a pretty amateurish style of writing. This is pretty much the same story but with a much higher quality of writing.
So since I would totally have recommended that you read the original version, I obviously have to recommend that you read this one.
The writing is good, without mistakes and the story told from the pov of the mc.
Vayne is a young mage apprentice foretold his rise in power and his future demise while trying to stop unknown invaders.
My grip with the story is Vayne's irrationality: he aspires to free himself from his servitude to the nobles, but set himself again on a track to be used by them as a shield against invaders...
Ferris kingdom as seen through his eyes is nothing but cold manipulative backstabbing nobles, so why try to save it at all? Who's to tell that the invaders won't be fair rulers?
Vayne's character also does nothing to endear him to the reader: he's presented as a self-serving paranoïac, hard worker to the point of masochism, void of any human connection and loath to create any.
His cheat is also crap and irrational imo:
Future another him creates in just a few years a revolutionary time magic (despite not being assessed as a genius when young) that allows him to warn another version of himself of his death and to give that young mage a power up, then disappear...
From old Vayne's pov, he lived his life and died. That magic was useless to him. Even if he became altruistic at some point, he either created a paradox (not addressed by the story) or another branch universe that doesn't help the kingdom he left behind.
I see no reason for young Vayne to torture himself for "all the power" when he just has to become powerful enough to survive. And no reason to invest time in researching a time magic that only benefits what amounts to a clone of himself.