Gemstone Goblins

by HyperAlphaKing

Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore

Upon his death, instead of eternal repose, Gild Domov was summoned by a god. A  goblin god, with a desperate request to save his race of extremely weak, but intelligent Amber Skin Goblins. Gild must overcome his flaws, and use his natural skills to not only survive in this magical world but to prosper.


Release schedule: 2-3 times a week.


Currently, I am a full-time student in university, so I might have a difficult time in the future releasing more chapters. I am a long time reader on this site, and I finally wanted to write something, so please take this story for what it is, a first draft. My main goal with Gemstone Goblins is to practice my writing skills, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

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HyperAlphaKing

HyperAlphaKing

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Yulwei
Overall

Not your grandpa's goblins

Reviewed at: Herd 1

Goblin Kingdom building is definitely not something common on this site so it's got my interest.  The unique magic system these goblins use plus the MC's attempts to make the best out of a bad situation and dealing with the resulting frustration is also quite nice.  The Goblins are simple but not stupid which is also nice and a very tough balance to achieve when writing goblins.

Others have spoken about grammar but I haven't had any issues understanding what's going on.  One ciriticism is that the story does seem to be moving rather quick or more like there's long timeskips in which our MC achieves very little.  This isn't unrealistic or a bad thing per se but it is strange when you're used to reading about MC's improving by leaps and bounds over weeks or even days 

hendi710
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

okay for a first try at writting

Reviewed at: Bog 3

The base idea of the story, a story about a reincarnated individual rebuilding something isn't exactly new or groundbreaking, but the author pairs it nicely with the idea of rebuilding a goblin tribe, which is something I think quite a few people will like.

Grammar: The englisch is clear and understandable with very few meaning disstorting errors, just some small syntax stuff as far as I can see. (I'm not a native though, so i might've missed a few)

Language/style: The author barely scrapes the potential of the english language in his writting. It's clear cut and precise, but readers (like me) that like a bit of linguistic flourish and a more extensive use of the english language than just providing the need to know informations might feel a bit disappointed.

The characters so far are fairly basic. The main character is a bit of a prick, but it seems the author wants to focus his character development of his mc to be one from prick to nice guy, which has definitly a bit of potential and can be interesting when done correctly. I personally can see potential in that. The other characters have (currently) no recognizable depth to them, except a bit of hero-worship for the mc. The story is as of this moment not very long. It could get better over time.

Story: The main issue I have with the story, is the pacing. It is simply to fast, in nearly all aspects. For me the charm of a building story are the little, hard earned improvments. Getting the first stoneworking tools just right by trial and error, learning the actual difficulty of skinning a beast, improving the living conditions of the people by implementing a certain dish in their diet, finding the right type of wood to build something.
The author instead just jumps from one big event to the next. Here are a few (soft spoilery) examples.

Getting tools? One night of trying really hard with the new skill, bang the entire tribe has spears and various other arms. 
A bit of collecting and weaving ->  the tribe has workable, powerfull bows. ( Which is a very far shot from reality, making a bow that can shot further than 15m is actually quite hard, especially if you have no access to tools.)
The shaman just experiments a bit and voila the tribe has potions, poisons, and so on.

The extreme speed at which progress is achieved makes most of the things, the mc and his tribe achieve feel irrelevant, since the next big thing, in the next chapters will just overshadow the achievment of the previous one.

In my personal oppinion the story could have used a lot more "getting to know the new world" and its inhabitants after the initial Ikesai portion of the story. 

(The Character getting "won at an auction" with the desperate minor god, was actually very nice, and gave the story a bit of emotion, that was sadly lost, when the mc turned out to be a bit of a dick)



Overall I think the author has potential, and I applaude everyone who is brave enough to put his writting out here and hope he isn't disencouraged by my harsh critique.

This story is for:
Readers who like very fast paced building stories, stats, and deliberatly written spells/abilities.
Readers who aren't sticklers for realism.
Readers who hate "feely touchy" mcs, since this one so far certainly isn't.

 

 

Danny Diez
Overall

Better with goblins

Reviewed at: Tribe 1

Overall impression is that I am enjoying this so far and the author is dedicated. I can definitely see that. I am adding this to my list!

The characters are interesting. There's some grammar stuff here and there which needs tweaking, but nothing major.

Chapters are short but not too short. Keeps my attention.

Overall: 4.5/5

Keep it up!

MShadowlawn
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

A Goblin Tribe Builder

Reviewed at: Bog 3

BLUF: A highly thematic 'kingdom builder' style of story that's played shockingly straight considering the subject matter, but still manages to be entertaining. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of funny GAAWBLIN banter to be found.

Grammar: There are little oddities here and there, ranging from misspelled letters to incorrect word choices(and occasionally syntaxically weird phrasing), frequent enough to be quite noticeable but not enough to impact readability meaningfully.

Style: Prose-wise, don't expect to see anything groundbreaking. What IS here, though, is relatively short and to the point. Fight scenes are pretty okay, but nothing too amazing and could definitely be improved on a little. The bones of what's here are good, but more development is necessary to reach its true potential, potential that is already hinted at via portrayal of clever usages of abilities.

Story: Actually, pretty decent, though this is my first kingdom builder-style story, so I'm not very highly qualified to critique this with scrutiny. There were a few points where I felt things didn't completely make sense (IE in-universe rules don't feel like they're consistently being obeyed with regards to some magical stuff), but overall it's pretty solid. Worldbuilding is relatively light, but the concept of goblins that absorb magic gems to gain magic powers is a pretty solid one, and a concept unique enough where I'm going out of my way to applaud the author's creativity. The story of how the 'kingdom' develops is also fairly interesting, though nothing particularly exceptional.

Character: The main character has a strong backstory as a businessman, with dashes of backstory exposition neatly sprinkled along the story, and side characters sometimes do and sometimes don't have particularly distinct personalities. I like the strong backstory and the presence of a clear personality with human flaws in the main character, but side characters (particularly the head huntsman and the animal tamer) could use some more personality development. Perhaps even more criminally, we don't even get funny goblin banter(Although this is arguably somewhat justified, since this race of goblins is unusually intelligent).

Hickups
Overall

Another stillborn

Reviewed at: Bog 3

Most of the reviews here jabber about potential, which I fail to see, yet.

I am not going to harp on the author's technical skills. They are clearly a novice and as such the story scores slightly below average in most categories, with the world-building being an especially sore point for me. 

The real issue (and reason for my low evaluation) runs much deeper. This story is essentially a husk of the real deal. It starts from a (somewhat) novel premise and has, up until the chapter I am reviewing at, failed to develop any cohesive narrative. There is no overarching plot, no real tale to tell, just a deluge of random events and power-ups thrown at a mostly unremarkable protagonist and his cardboard minions.

I know this is a harsh critique but it is also an honest one. I do hope the author eventually manages to cultivate something tangible but as of yet I cannot name any reason to invest time reading this fiction.

Sir_Files
Overall

It's Decent, but easily fixable

Reviewed at: Deal 3

I think that the story is shaping up to be rather decent and good; however, there are some glaring flaws that the Author needs to fix in a rewrite of the earlier chapters. The early chapters didn't really have enough character development and interactions, something that he's fixed over time and slowly introduced more and more character interactions, but the actions of our MC seem nonsensical without any explanation of his past at the start of the story.

The Author also needs to go back through and fix the sizing and laying out of the setting/scenes. Many things in the novel are just of gargantuan size that don't make sense in the setting, with his other descriptions, or in a practical sense. These can be easily fixed by crafting a description and crude sketch of the setting before developing your character interactions around it, and will provide a lot more consistency to the story after doing so.

I also think that the pacing may be a bit too fast. So far we've had several extremely large time jumps where the Author is focusing on the parts of the story with larger events occurring, but in doing so it makes the MC and goblin's rise to power seem artificial in a sense. Going further I think that just a few chapters here and there that focused on development of side characters, showing current character interactions, and delving into POV's of side characters at times could slow down the pacing while still retaining the major method of writing. It'd also help people grow invested into the characters.

Aside from these issues there aren't really any other glaring flaws, and I look forward to seeing the rest of the story.

claws8367
Overall

I like it. Nothing 2 complex. So give it a try.

Some thing to edit though:

- muschrooms dont grow better of having maneur placed near them, at most you could dissolve the manuer in water and spray it on the muschrooms. 

- iron has a high smelting point so maybe some discription of that would help and you dont just throw it in with the fire and coals. You need a cruscible, something to hold the liqued metal in. 

Lonleyguy58
Overall

2nd time reviewing

Reviewed at: Bog 2

The book has a good story and the character is interesting and I love the concept of goblin MC starting with a tribe and raising them up to greatnees I don't see errors but I'm not that good at writing to know if there is I hope the keeps up the good work and doesn't let this story drop

Nomad1791
Overall

So far really well written.

Reviewed at: Deal 4

Ok you have a reincarnated story here, straight to a goblin but not regular nasty stupid trash goblin but a tribe of smarter but weaker than a normal weak goblin. That's right even weaker than regs so already we starting at a fun place in my book. The author has real talent and the story flows really well just kinda sucks you right in. The mc in a word is trash. Like I'd kick him off a cliff just to make the world a better place but he is slowly becoming a better goblin probably way better than he ever was as a human. To sum it up without spoilers there's not much here and what is has a lot of promise of good things to come. Worth reading 👍

dayadaya
Overall

A  successful corporate boss dies of old age

It justifies why he is so cold, he don't get sad when his tribe hunter died when killing monsters, for him the death of the monster worth more than their lives,

When winter is coming and food is dwindling, he didn't hesitate to kill humans to rob their livestock,

It's true that the circumstances corner him to do so

But it makes him no more than starving bandit

And I find no joy in rooting for such MC, villainous lead or not