A (NOT LitRPG) Dungeon story
Out on the frontier of a new continent, the wizard Lori and her group of settlers try to build a community for themselves in a land actively hostile to intelligent life. With their wits, their will, and their newly built Dungeon to protect them against the Iridescence, they should be fine. If they can survive the lack of infrastructure. And the deadly beasts they need to hunt for food. And other settlements poaching their people. And idiots who don't get exactly what having to settle somewhere entails. And dragons... A slow slice-of-life fantasy town-building story.
Updates Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Find exclusive content on Patreon. Don't forget to leave a review!
Cover by JackOfheart
- Overall Score
- Style Score
- Story Score
- Grammar Score
- Character Score
- Total Views :
- Average Views :
- Followers :
- Favorites :
- Ratings :
- Pages :
Leave a review
I was walking into this story without reading any of the reviews beforehand, so I was really excited in the first chapters at the unique world created by Shadow Crystal Mage for Demesne, along with the hint at future power progression.
After chapter 18 or so, it feels like the unique flavor of the world stops being a factor in the story beyond explaining the mechanics behind the improvements that Lori makes to the village. This fading of the world building is, frankly, turning me off from the story, because I am not interested in *just* a village building simulator, which is how it feels by chapter 62 (where I am reviewing this).
The grammar is overall good, but has a few problems here and there, on the order of 2-3 mistakes per chapter, which is hardly distracting. It's usually an obviously-omitted word, a typo, or something along those lines, as opposed to an incomprehensible sentence. I probably have more grammar mistakes in this review than the story does in a chapter.
Essentially, if a somewhat magical early village creation story with a socially apathetic MC is something you'd like to read, this is your jam. If you're looking for something with a little bit of action or power progression, this is very much not what you're looking for. My rating of 4 stars instead of 5 is due to the story failing to leverage the very interesting, unique worldbuilding (the strength of the story, in my opinion) after the first couple dozen chapters.
This review was made when there were 10 chapters available.
This is a fun story, and a dungeon story that isn't an isekai, and isn't mired in pseudo-game mechanics is an amazing breath of fresh air. The magic system is interesting, well detailed, and feels decently hard, in a Sandersonian kind of way. Similarly, Lori, the main and viewpoint character, feels decently experienced with the magic system, but is in no way a master or the most skilled ever at anything she tries. She comes off as basically a nerd who'd rather be doing stuff with her magic, and just knows that everything would be better if people would just do things her way, but has never actually been in charge of anything. She's a fun character, and I'm looking forward to following her.
The reason why I am dinging this half a star is the typos. While I personally find the typos somewhat annoying (there are a few too many than I usually ignore, there aren't a ton but they are noticeable) different people have different tolerances, so don't let this stop you from trying the story.
(as of chapter 18)
This story has a dungeon. Stop, don't run away! No, it's absolutely not one of those abounding stories with some person in a hole in the ground creating floors and monsters. Yes, this story has a dungeon core, but that is just there to generate energy for the fully human MC to use and to allow her special powers in that area. The focus seems to be on settlement building and slice-of-life interpersonal dynamics but I could be wrong since we are still early in the story.
What's it about: This world is a crappy world. The air, the ground, nature, everything is poison/instant cancer/whatever. Only by a wizard using the special powers of a dungeon core can this so-called Iridescence be removed from the nearby area (the demesne), leading to small islands of human life in the middle of danger. The MC, Lori, is the wizard in a group of adventurous emigrants looking for a new life in the wilderness of a far-away continent. They manage to create a dungeon/demesne to protect them from certain death, but uncertain death is still around. After all, they are really far away from civilization...
Style/Grammar: The story is told in third-person internal style by Lori. Descriptions are fine with a good eye for details. The sentences are sometimes constructed a bit awkwardly and they are often too long (yeah, I know, look who's talking; I never claimed to be a good writer). There are also some errors per chapter, but nothing off-putting.
Story: Like I wrote above, this story is unusual and that makes it highly interesting. The magic system is very different from the norm, with four clearly separated types of magic to affect four different aspects of the world. Each wizard can only use one type, except the owners of a dungeon. That is one of the main reasons why wizards want to own one (next to "get filthy rich", "have unlimited power" and "rule with absolute might"). Like the MC soon learns, she now has the ability to use the other three types but doesn't know how they work. LOL.
Most of the story so far has concentrated on building the village and the author is doing a great job making even raising preliminary shelter interesting. The other central part are the dynamics between the people, those are fine too. There's also a bit of light comedy. One narrative highlight is the danger shown in chapters 16/17: The dragon (very misleading name) is more like a force of nature destroying anything in its path without noticing than an evil monster attacking deliberately. That event was narrated excellently and captivatingly, with all the consequences and the emotions such an event would bring to the people. Even though the story is tending towards slice-of-life, the pacing is not slow.
Characters: Lori is not a good person but this is presented in a great way. In many stories, MCs who are "not good" are either lulz-evil, painfully edgy or have similar flat personalities. Not here. Lori is a very flawed but still realistic person instead. She is not actively evil, but due to her arrogance as well as her lack of empathy for and interest in the common people she is severely hindering herself and the group. She's very bad at communicating which leads to funny or interesting situations. In fact, she's an interesting kind of annoying. I really like the characterization of her personality.
The main supporting character, Rian, comes across as a comic relief at first glance, and he indeed often introduces humorous elements to the story; yet as the reader learns more about him, he shows a remarkable depth of character. Most of the other characters are still a nameless mass so far, because Lori usually ignores them.
All in all, this is an interesting story with a highly unusual premise. Have fun reading it!
Demesne is set in a world where being outside the Dungeons kills you, which is a rare take on the genre. With the almost omnipresent iridescence, which is only counteracted by moving water and dungeon domains, there is a legitimate reason to actually listen to your mage overlords who sustain the dungeons outside of their sheer power, which is always fun.
I haven't really noticed any grammatical error, and though there aren't many characters just yet, the ones we have at the moment do the job quite well, and are all fun in their own ways.
It also features four magic systems, of which we have recieved only tantalizing glimpses of three so far. The one we actually know quite a bit about is Whispering, which involves manipulating wisps of different types, like lightning darkness, light, and the classic four elements.
The other types are Deadspeaking, which involves manipulation of organics, healing, and the creation of undead. Mentalists, which we know little of thus far, outside of them having enhanced memory. Horotracts can somehow manipulate space, including expanding it, and possibly contracting it as well.
All in all, fun story, would reccomend. Would read just for the magic system alone, honestly.
The duo of main characters have distinct personalities, and the magic system is an original centered around mana-wisps. The setting and world-building develop well and logically, and I have enjoyed what I've read. The world is out to kill, and dungeon core binders stand between the populace and the Iridescence, a kind of mutation death-plague. High points on story and character.
What I consider a big flaw is the female main character's name. It's Lolilyuri. When reading, the word sounds in my head like "Loli Yuri" -- an anime genre I avoid. I wish the author would replace every instance of 'Lolilyuri' with 'Lori'. I suppose it does make me remember the story. Minus on style, it isn't something I can avoid reading, and it strikes me as not following the rest of the story style.
Have Demesne on my follow list, and if you can ignore my pet peeve, you'll likely enjoy the read. The story includes magic descriptions and the type of laws and structure a society built around surviving in a deathworld setting would develop. This elevated it from he run-of-the mill dungeon core story and kept my attention as a reader. It pays attention to both the background expectation and shows the actual characters encountering this in practice.
The first thing I'll note is that the terminology in this story can be a tad misleading, as the Dungeons and Dragons (lol) in the world of Demesne are far from what we normally think of when we hear those terms. THAT SAID, I think Shadow Crystal Mage's versions are actually significantly cooler than the usual. Needless to say, I find the worldbuilding of this story to be one of its attractions.
A second note is that the main character is a bit of a dick. She's competent, smart, and not actively evil, but she doesn't really care a whole lot about most other people. Still--and as annoyed by her as I sometimes am--she's good at her job and seems to be maturing emotionally as the story progresses (even just in the 16 chapters currently published). It also helps that she has a vastly more empathetic and charismatic subordinate to balance her out (potential romance?). I'm also interested in another character called Katrina. She seems like a good kid, and I'm interested to see how her role will evolve over time.
I think the pacing's good, and while I'm sure it contains some grammar and spelling errors they've not been significant enough for me to take any especial notice. The author is obviously a skilled writer.
TL;DR: Tightly focused and firmly bound in a flowing narrative that managed to suck me in and leave me wanting more. This is properly good. Characters that have character, endearing flaws and humor in a hard situation while not leaning on anger and pathos. I think I love this little story.
More later, when I actually have time to write and not only gush. And time for some hindsight.
trending yet. Pretty good shit.
OP is still introducing characters and letting us get a feel for them, and I like them. I'm excited to see what s/he does with them. The world being built is cool. No grammar issues jumped out at me. I'm not smart enough to figure out if OP is doing all that literary shit like having a theme or keeping a consistent tone, but I figure s/he's doing alright.
In few word :
A story build on a great setting and new kind of world backround and magic system, who build and mostly carried by the two principal character.
- great setting of magic, clearly worked and build from scratch, wich is uncommon enough to be said. The four major wichcraft are well balanced, and realy well done. The danger of the raindow, monsters, and how the donjon work and why is perfectly done, sensible and believable.
- excellent character. Yes, some people will maybe be put-off by Lori in the start. Don't be fooled : she is not the selfish and grossly rutless brat she seem to be. Just ... different. And so blatant with her way to talk. The skit betwen them is pure gold, and work fine.
- story pretty ok, in the kind of "day-by-day base building from scratch.
- some little cheapness and easy-to-use trop there and here, yes, but who don't spoil the story (not for me at last) like the fact the settler are pretty idiot, greedy and narrow-minded like Lori think often.
- the psychological part is well used, and aspect of ethic, moral and all shit around that (like killing, right of the strong, etc) never become carttonish or idiotic like in so many story out there.
- character development ! YES, even if slow, and needing to be vigilient to see it.
- common trope used uncommonly, wich is alway a + for me.
It is a funny but still serious story of a sassy wizard who controls a new dungeon in the middle of nowhere that saves peoples lives surrounded by funny "idiots".
Others have already said everything worth saying.... Just read it, it is Great!
(To make my review longer to follow the rules, a suggestion would be to give a few interactions with Villiager A, B, C (in her mind). She really only talks to like 3 people and most of the comedy is her sassing people)