Warning This fiction contains:
  • Profanity
  • Sexual Content

Apparently, even heaven had the odd clerical error. Which was not something Nathaniel Miller would have expected, and yet, that seemed to be exactly what had happened to him. The collector of souls seemed to have been given the wrong address, and instead of taking one Nathaniel Miller of the earth apparently right next door, he took Nate. As recompense for this small bit of error Nate was placed in the body of the Nathaniel Miller that had supposed to have been taken in the first place, and seeing as he now had an opportunity to try to live his life a different way he planned on taking advantage of this chance. 

No one, however, had specified how different this world would be from his, sure they had said the tech would be a little older, and there were other small anomalies. But no one had seen fit to let him know that older meant medieval, and those small anomalies mentioned? They probably referred to all the fantasy elements and magic that seemed to be part of this world.

Still, he was determined to do better this time around, after all, chances like this were next to unheard of...

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Markious

Markious

Lover of Waffles

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drakan_glasses BE NICE! Fair critique is fair, but be respectful & follow the review rules. There will be no mercy.
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Theakorn
Overall
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Story
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Good ideas, faulty dialogue and worldbuilding

Reviewed at: Chapter 11: On Essence

The good: Transposed hits on some of the good, classic notes of a modern portal fantasy that many of us know and love. His head trauma covers his unfamiliarity with his new world, and gives a rational reason for personality changes. This part is well done. The magic system works, and the world he is transposed to is an alternate earth, which also works. The reason why science doesnt dominate is believable. I find too few authors try to explore alternate earths, even though such a world gives some great tools for worldbuilding and storytelling. I dislike animal people, but in this story they have a reason and a purpose and then it can be forgiven. 

The bad: the writing is good to ok, but the dialogue is in severe need of an editor. It is hard to read, the sentences just... flow into each other and it can be hard to get the gist of it. its so bad I had to give it two starts. There are also some minor spelling errors, though its on an average level. I also wouldnt call a 15-16 year old girl a woman. Or treat a 15 year old boy as is he was as capable as a grown man.

The mc is apparently engaged to a catgirl, that smacks of weebery right out of the gate.

Then there is the world building. The kingdom covers North America. It has 250 barons (roughly). Medieval England, which was roughly the size of Lousiana, had 200. The writer has badly missed the mark when it comes to scale (wich is fairly common on this site). A world without modern transportation is a lot bigge" and harder to manage than with telegram and phones and trains and cars and airplanes. And that makes it a bit tough to believe in the world building. A tip is to look at how many local counties/municipalities there are in a given historical area, and extrapolate. There is a reason they were established, and are the size they are. For example, the US has 3100 counties - and that is with modern communication! France, however, which is based on a more historic level of local administration has 18 administrative regions, divided into 101 departments, divided into 2054 cantons, divided into 36681 communes!

All in all, there are a lot of good ideas here, but I'd work on the dialogue and think about how to explain/rationalize the world building.

some total kretin
Overall

STRONG START SEEMINGLY SLIPPING IN LATER CHAPTERS

Reviewed at: Chapter 10: Amos's story part 2

Oh yeah, it's the standard markious fare. Meaning it's the male fantasy that will probably not shy away from sex and that, while as cringey as something cringeworthy, can be read and enjoyed by many.

My problem are the dialogues and characterization of the characters. They are for some reason odd and slightly off-putting. Especially the MC's thought process and interaction with his fiancee seem wrong for some reason. They are probably meant to be romantic but it comes off as really tortured and twisted to get the desired result. If only I could identify it better, but this is all got.

That said, it was readable. Still too early for more concrete judgement but it did catch my attention and despite the later chapters feeling weird kept me reading and engaged.

P.S.: now that I think about it some things (like him beating his instructor after mentioning his two months of training) felt cringey too. There are some of these "wait, what?" moments but all in all if you can turn off your brain a bit it might deliver.

Esca
Overall

Seems like a decent take on an otherwise fairly generic genre, and the alternate history thing is appealing, but I had to stop reading for one crucial problem: Prose. Specifically, the commas are out of control and there's lots of awkward phrasing. The writer doesn't seem to know how to portion out sentences and ends up with horrifyingly long, tedious, run-on abominations constantly.

Don't consider this a full balanced review: I find this particular flaw very distracting once you notice it and it prevented me from really taking in the rest of the story, so I won't comment on characterization and plot and such. Since this is something I can provide concrete examples of, here are a couple:

 

He breathed it in and it flowed into him, invigorating, rejuvenating, and he wondered what it was that had prevented him from being able to do it before, perhaps it was simply that he hadn’t truly believed everything until now, sure he had been told, had seen the effects essence had on people who became deviant, but he hadn't truly believed, not until he had been the one who had seen the creature, till he had seen the essence.

And here's how I might rewrite it:

He breathed it in and it flowed into him: invigorating, rejuvenating. He wondered what it was that had prevented him from being able to do it before — perhaps it was simply that he hadn’t truly believed everything until now. Sure he had been told about the effects essence had on people who became deviant and seen them, but he hadn't truly believed until he saw the creature and the essence with his own eyes.

 

Another one:

“I don’t remember Amos, in fact, I had no idea there was anyone even remotely related to me that had that name, let alone a half brother, essentially, this just feels like you are telling me a story about a stranger, someone I had no personal connection with, as such I can’t say I am actually particularly upset by it, I can say that death seems to be a little harsh of a punishment in my opinion, however,”

This one would be ok just slashing some commas.

“I don’t remember Amos. In fact, I had no idea there was anyone even remotely related to me that had that name, let alone a half brother. Essentially, this just feels like you are telling me a story about a stranger, someone I had no personal connection with. I can’t say I am actually particularly upset by it, but I can say that death seems to be a little harsh of a punishment in my opinion.”

 

 

 

 

Necrontyr525
Overall

Reviewed after reading chapter 1. The opening, while not devastatingly unique, is quite well written. I do not see any obvious spelling errors, nor grammatical ones (though I admit I am not the best judge thereof) and the formatting is perfectly acceptable. The MC so far seems an interesting bloke, with plenty of room for development. I can't give this a full five stars without more to go off of, but I am looking forward to reading more.

wulfian
Overall

I enjoyed it, give it a read.

Interesting start. Didn't expect it. Nice take.

Well thought out world. Beautiful descriptions of places.

Beautiful character interactions. Lovely little scenes between characters.

Unique magic system.

Good incorporation of unusual elements, with explanation

Hope to enjoy where it goes to.

End of short review.