Damsel of Distress

Damsel of Distress

by Jeanean

Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity
  • Traumatising content

Victoria Bright is a Wife.

No, she isn't married.

"Wife" is the Class the system gave her.

She has to fight Demons to get stronger? Then she will become the strongest Wife of all!

She can only learn Fashion and Household Skills? No one said you can't fight in High-heels!

The gods made her best friend a Hero? First, she has to beat some sense into him for betraying his own beliefs.

Accompany her as she survives in a dangerous world, a world that has secrets even the gods don't know about.

__________________________________________

Warning!!
The second half of "The Wave 07: The System" and the first half of "The Wave 08: Heroes and Knights" contain a lot of exposition that most other stories would consider "secrets of the world" that those stories would uncover over the course of a long time. 
There are two reasons this is revealed so early and directly.

One: Not revealing that information quickly and not asking questions about it would be completely OoC for the characters involved in that scene.

Two: It's information you, the reader, need to know before the main story can really get started. Namely, the "secrets not even the gods know about".

  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score
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Author
Jeanean

Jeanean

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Reviews
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Akata
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Premise is great but has bad exposition

Reviewed at: The Wave 06: The Seamstress

Overal Rating 3/5

The strongest point of this writing is the story. It seems to have a plot, and is clearly going in the right direction, but it is hampered down by having weaker parts overall. Cannot reccomend until formatting is fixed at a minimum.

Style Score 2/5

The reason it has such a low score is because of the frequent changes between point of view. I will feel like Victoria is narrating, and then suddenly it switches to a 3rd person narration. The change is too jarring, which is very hard for me to get used to. I do 3rd person in my own personal story, so I understand its very hard to stick to it, but one must for the flow of reading to stay constant.

Grammar Score 3/5

I wish I could give this five out of five but it was affected by the style score indirectly! Because of the narration changing, it also affected the format of the paragraphs. Many paragraphs that shouldn't have been split were, and it made me feel like I wasn't ready a character's thoughts, but instead a 3rd person narrative. Thats why it was very confusing for me, and the story needs to have some paragraphs combined to make it easier to read

Story 4/5

I have no idea what LitRPG is but I like it now. This was my first time reading this kind of story. It seems to have a plot, but it never tells us what a "wave" is. I have a general idea, and maybe I don't know what it is because I don't read LitRPG, but I would still like it clarfied.

Speaking of clarification, the reason I didn't give the story a 5/5 was because of the exposition. It is, quite frankly, bad. The character 

Homo is introduced, a god

and it makes the story interesting! There is so much you could do with that! Yet in literally a paragraph he tells me about the story. It's jarring. I started to feel the setting of the forest, enjoyed the fight scene, but suddenly the forced upon explanation took me out of the zone. Exposition needs to happen organically. Some authors make a companion book, or an Auxiallary Chapter to explain background, settings, etc! That is fine as well! But I don't want to be pulled out of the story to quickly have it explained to me! Show, don't tell.

Character Score 2/5

Victoria and Daneil are at first, intresting in the first chapter. Their characters make sense. After that Victoria makes less sense. Victoria is described as being "2nd best at everything," yet is also a fast learner. That makes no sense to me. I believe she should be one or the other, not both. If one is a fast learner, they should be able to master skills easily. Unless, Victoria has a complex about Daniel being better than her, that makes more sense. 

Daniel seems like a nice character, but as the chapters go on I don't feel like I know enough about him. All I know is that he is a fat nerd outside of the RPG, and inside it he STRONK. For real. If he likes Veronica, and this new world gives him confidence, why doesn't he hit on her? Daniel doesn't feel like a best friend, or even a side character. He feels like a book that explains things to Victoria, and it doesn't feel organic either, such as the forced upon exposition in the forest scene.

Overall Takeaway

Like so many other stories the premise and setting are great, but the poor characterization ruins it. I truly think this could be interesting if simply, the grammar was fixed, and the characters were more well defined. The exposition needs to flow much more naturally. The reader of course won't know everything about the world, but no one wants to be told about the background like it's a textbook.

Once those are fixed I would be more than glad to give this another review, and maybe even a follow.

utsuro
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Promising start, only to be drowned in exposition

Reviewed at: The Wave 09: Training

Overall:
A LitRPG with potential, but lots of work needed. I don't have much experience with LitRPGs except for Solo Leveling and Shield Hero, but I'll try my best to give an honest review with some constructive criticism.

Style:
Nice flow and coherence. However, the author drops too much information all at once near the beginning chapters. We are told a lot more than we'd like to, which would have been better saved for later once there is more development and world building.

Story:
There's little development (which is to be expected), so it may be unfair to judge this far in. However, I don't see much in how the story could progress. No clear goals or objectives (plural) except for defending against the waves. There is potential for better plot, hence there is much to be desired.

Grammar:
Frequent spelling and clausal mistakes. I had to rearrange a few sentences to understand what was being said. Otherwise, it was well enough readable.

Character:

The highest score I'll be giving this one. I liked Victoria's character as she is sharp, attentive and has bright hindsight. If not for her, I'd have lost interest in the characters as her interactions with her environment are peculiar.

However, there are sudden shifts in Daniel's character and there's a lot to know about what he's been subjected to.

Homo is a story killer. I wish he'd been introduced much later since he practically spoils the story.

If some of these aspects are fixed, this might become something LitRPG readers might like. I get the feeling that this story will be short lived because of how quick things are progressing and I do wonder where the author will take us.

FantasyBliss30
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

I love the natural writing skills of this author. She has a flair for writing. It is not a careful trained kind, but an instinctive flowing kind. Vocabulary impeccable, and congruous to the setting. Usage of words is efficient and accurate, not unnecessary embellishment or flowery language. Grammar is flawless. Descriptions are a little lacking but for a first draft this is pretty good. I am sure they can be easier to focus on after the first draft is laid down. Characterisation is great for Daniel but I feel Vic and God need to be fleshed out more, which I am sure will come with time. This review is still early in the story. The gaming world itself is quite interesting. 

I also liked that the author began with a general psychosocial observation to immediately connect to the readers and then related it back to the main character. I hope the author keeps doing it throughout the story. Since she is a natural story teller, it flows well with the story and is refreshing. 

I do hope the author tries to show some of the exposition more actively than passively. I have suggested some specific examples in the chapters, so I would not repeat it here. Otherwise the details of the gaming world are pretty interesting. 

 

Sarius
Overall

Enjoyable, Though Non-Standard

Reviewed at: The Wave 09: Training

Hello!

This story is interesting, and certainly has its good points, with much of it being within the world itself, the intrigue that has been sewed, and the systems in place.

However, this story has very non-standard grammar that can seriously hamper someone’s ability to understand what is happening within the story at any given point in time. Exchanges of dialogue can be laid out in multiple paragraphs without clear denotations as to what is happening outside of that dialogue, or even quotations marks except for the very start and very end of a block of dialogue.

This story is actually quite fine, and some chapters are better than others when it comes to this, but the structure of how the characters interact, and how the story displays information, may make it very difficult for people to understand what exactly is happening.

I hope to see some of these issues fixed, most likely with a solid restructuring of the chapters, and I believe that the story beyond that is perfectly competent.

AnxiousReader
Overall

I like this story, I enjoyed it a lot. The system is interesting and Victoria is fun to read about. My only gripe is one that a  lot of people are having, unfortunately: the exposition.

Yes, it is a bit sloppy, but it is nice to see the author take steps to solve this issue. Despite that I can overlook it as I truly enjoyed reading about this world, Good luck!

Duckwrites
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Let's start with the premise this story's premise is pretty interesting in that the system is trying to keep humans the weak through useless classes and skills for the most part. I personally feel like there's a lot of allegory here, especially since the main character is 'wife' class. Could the story be pointing out how even though there's no magical system in the real world the systems that do exist are unfair to certain groups and by using the group of humans which all of us are part of allows us to feel even just a bit of the indignity that other people of other groups feel on a daily basis. But maybe I'm just projecting.

Let's just say I really enjoy the idea a lot.

I love characters that take the bad hand they're given and become powerful with it.

Even though the heroin only has access to Awful skills she genuinely does her best with them.

 

For style switching between first and third person is hard and it seems that the story have a bit of an issue with it to some degree. I don't think the story ever means to be really first person but sometimes it feels that way so when we suddenly go back to actual third person it its jarring  and it happens a bit too much I can't say it's a deal-breaker from me but it does make it a bit difficult to keep up.

 

Grammar for the most part is good solve a few mistakes but it wasn't as bad as my writing

 

The character by pretty good not too bad and not too great I feel like some more in depth look into them might be nice. 

 overall pretty good but could use some improvements

Avery Light
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Like the story but not the expo

Reviewed at: The Wave 07: The System

A litRPG, a familiar term for most of us. The author has constructed quite deep worldbuilding and it shows, perhaps showing a bit much.

Lots of paragraphs about self-thought, musings, what if's thinking. Combined with many details make the pace seems slow. MIght be a point to reconsider for the author. I certainly prefer a quicker pace.

As other reviews have said, the exposition part could use some trimming or adjustment. I've got the impression we're given those because we "need" to know but it might come as a negative for those who don't like exposition.

I like the system. Not all the system but part of it really shone through. Like the system force people to become a settler and make a town. If you do not, well, you got "bullied" until you do. This sounds interesting and like a fountain of ideas. I hope it got explored instead of buried. Oh, the area where all is "Dire" also a nice touch for me.

As for our MC and her... Hero, I do want to see how they go from here. Daniel got quite of a character growth so suddenly. Granted there should be some kind of timekip n the works here but to us, one chapter. Time to see how the Wife MC developed. Looking forward to the Wife class becoming OP. I certainly never seen something like that, fresh idea.

Enjoyable story but need more polish to shine.