The Last Game

by Burningsock

Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity

Twenty years of fighting, an endless struggle for a better tomorrow. Years of bloodshed to buy humanity just one more day. Decades spent forging himself into a juggernaut of steel and bone. One night that all changed.

Suddenly finding himself back at the start, Jack must answer the question, what would you do with a second chance? Would you tread the same path to power, no matter the cost? Would you walk a new path, one full of the unknown? Most important of all, what do you do when the world is set on a timer? Life as you know it will end, no matter what you do, do you let Fate have its way, or do you position yourself to pick up the shattered pieces of civilization?

Jack will grasp his chance at redemption, and protect humanity from that which slumbers, undisturbed for ages past. To do so he will have to be strong, and he will need help. Will he trust any with his dark past or will the burdens of a modern Prometheus prove too much to shoulder.

As the world changes humanity finds it no longer stands atop the food chain, how will it deal with myth and legend made real? A world of pure potential awaits those with the will to see it. While fates worse than death await those unlucky few that delve too deep into the secrets of the unknown. Six paths to infinite variety. Four days till everlasting fame. Welcome to the last game ever played.

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Burningsock

Burningsock

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Steelheart
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

This review is primarily adressed at the author, to hopefully give ideas in which direction to improve his or her writing. For readers I'll say the following: This story has potential. It currently mostly reads like a first or second draft, and it could be significantly improved by editing the prose a bit.

 

Style

This is the part that needs the most work. The prose is fairly simplistic, with most sentences having a very similar structure. Sometimes they are also structured in ways that, while not grammatically wrong, sound weird. Additionally, there is not enough variance in the words used, so things often sound repetitive.  The author has clearly thought about how the magic system and the world interact, however this information is often presented in the form of infodumps.

 

Story

This is where I see the potential. While the story hasn't truly picked up yet, the author clearly has an idea of where they want it to go. The worldbuilding is flawed, mostly due to the aforementioned infodumps, but also due to another reason: The MC has referenced historic events from his past several times without giving us any context. (Saying something like, "I first saw him at the Battle of [Insert Location]." without us knowing where that is, why a battle was fought, who participated, and who the referenced person is.) This is information that instantly goes forgotten, because it has no direct impact on the story and the reader doesn't have any context to understand its significance.

Now, this doesn't mean everything is bad. The author is introducing the world in fairly easy to understand chunks, which is good and works mostly. However the decision of what information to make available to the reader at what time and in what way requires further thought. Generally I would suggest leaving out any information that is not strictly required at the time.

One last thing: This could be just me, but I have absolutely no idea what the starter town and the people in it look like. Is it surrounded by walls? Does it have a castle and a town guard? Is it in the middle of a forest, close to a river or in the mountains? Is there a mayor, a noble or a town council, or who else rules the town? Are the people poor or rich? Are there different districts? What species live in the town? I would expect questions like these to have been mostly answered by now.

As a tip: In order to avoid infodumps, I would try to add information by describing precisely what the MC sees and feels. What I mean by this is the following: 

In the first chapter, the MC makes his way to the mage guild. We get a very short description of what the outside of this building looks like, but not enough to make a picture of it. Where it is located and how many stories it has is never discussed. Here something like the following could have been done:

"I make my way to the mage guild, walking past the stalls of the market selling various goods and finally enter the central district through the gate in the inner wall. The contrast to the outer districts is enormous. There are fewer buildings, but they are all bigger, more ostentatious and have guards. Where there were hundreds of people in the market, now I only see a few town guards patrolling the streets, giving me suspicious looks."

In these 4 sentences, I have presented several key facts about the town in question:

- There's a mage guild, a market and at least two different walled-off districts in the city

- The inner district is very different to the outer one, it probably houses the social elite

- There's a town guard

- The mage guild is in the inner district, the market in the outer district

 

Characters

This is hard to judge due to the early stages of the story. Until now, most characters have had a somewhat distinct voice and personality, which is pretty much the only thing I can actually give a rating for. There hasn't been enough time yet to explore any backstories or character growth.

 

Grammar

Mostly ok, though sometimes the tenses get jumbled up a bit.

 

Overall

The story has potential. The author seems to have thought about the world they want to build and the story  they want to tell. The presentation of information could be improved, as well as the choice of what is pertinent information and what is not. A round of edits would probably make it a much better read.

Nicholas Pritchett
Overall

So far so good really like the progression of classes and the tiers and BUBBLE MAGE!!! I would love to eat some nails as well! Love how the Mc is avoiding his past class because of his spontaneous warning! Interaction between the lead characters so far is nice and refreshing 

FictionPack
Overall

An interesting premise backed by a rather unique Class and Job system of a MMORPVRG where the entire globe has unwittingly signed on to a race against the clock.

A time traveling gamer fic about the imminent end to the world as they know it where every choice matters in the survival of not just the players, but the world's themselves.

Looking forward to seeing how this story develops . 

Game On!

TheCount
Overall

The class system is intriguing, the magic is interesting and the world...well, it will go to shit lol. Lets hope Laz manage to keep it on the surface! (^o^)/

I like the style, first person isn't really first person without going on tangents and it slides neatly into world building.

The story is promising, adventure and interesting encounters are guaranteed! :D

The characters and thier interaction is good, almost like in a TV show.

Grammar is perfect so far.

Flashadows
Overall

I've had a lot of lit RPG and this one has a premise that I've seen used before with a twist that's new to me. So far, I love the characters, the game system seems really well thought out, and are all kinds of hints to an intriguing plot. I'll be watching this with great interest.

moredread
Overall

Great start to a redo story. If you don't know what a redo story is. It's just a time travel story where the MC goes back in time to redo and fix things. 

In this a massive new game comes out and everyone starts playing, then sometime in the future the game becomes real for everyone. The MC comes back from 20 years into the future with a lot of the early game knowledge. It isn't clear yet how, or why he has come back.

The grammar starts off a little rough with run on sentences and word walls. It does get better as story moves along. 

If your looking for a nice game story this is for you. Plenty of action and building your character so far. 

Confusedscistudent
Overall

Intriguing, good worldbuilding but has its issues

Reviewed at: Chapter 8 Split the Party

While this isn't the best story I've read, it certainly is up there in terms of quality in royal road. The author is great at worldbuilding and the world has a lot of potential in that regard. The character's speech patterns are a bit weird, which is a minor downside.

My main issue with the story is how the author connects and makes the plot flow. Sometimes it feels a bit (very) choppy. I think it's not that big of a deal as far as problems go but it is something that detractcs from the story and should be fixed as the story progresses. There are a few other issues witth how the characters are written and how they behave but I feel those are better explained by reviewees other than I.

th30dor
Overall

I read up to chapter 1.3, where I stopped because of the subpar writing and grammar.

There is a story here, and people familiar with regreasors will find themselves in a familiar setting.  The class selection is also interesting, and seems varied. 

However it's very hard to read. Walls of text without full stops. Neverending phrases. Weird dialogue and descriptions.

I am marking this in the hope that in the future, the grammar gets better, and I can come back to it.

NekkoMD
Overall

The system is cool, and I like the premise. The world building is impressive and well developed, and the world seems to grow with every chapter. I like how the MC doesn’t have all the answers even with the time travel. I’m really liking it so far and look forward to seeing how it goes.

silentlurkingwriter
Overall

Writing is good. Action is on point. MC is wants to save the world. He helps others. Grammar is extremely good. A really good do-over fic. The system is quite unique and logical. MC uses some cheats, but that's expected of someone with 20 years of experience. I'm looking forward to when he starts playing with the big boys again.