Until You Do It Right

Until You Do It Right

by Friendly_Bee

Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore

The world ended on December thirty-first of the year two thousand and twenty, precisely at the stroke of midnight.  The human race began to be systematically exterminated by the spawn of the System.

We were given a chance to defeat them, to take back our place at the top of the food chain.

We failed.

The first to perish were those who bravely rebelled. The soldiers. The defenders. One by one, they fell. In their final moments, they begged for aid. Nobody replied.

The next to succumb were those who feebly cowered. The deniers. The leeches. Together, they fell. In their final moments, they cried out into the darkness. Countless voices replied in kind.

The last to decline were those who shamelessly ran. The deserters. The cowardly. Alone, they fell. In their final moments, they whimpered quietly. There was nobody left to answer.

The final human to die was a survivor. A runner. As he died, he begged for salvation. His prayers were answered. He was offered a chance to save himself, along with all of humanity, and he took it.

This is his story.

I sat in the dark and thought: There’s no big apocalypse. Just an endless procession of little ones.
― Neil Gaiman, Signal to Noise.



I am absolutely new to writing and will take any and all constructive criticism. Please give feedback, it is greatly appreciated. I will update the tags as they change, and I hope that you enjoy this little story I'm writing!

Quick warning: Seamus is intentionally a flawed character, and this story is going to explore those flaws and perhaps even change a few of them. I do not agree with all of his actions, but it is what it is.

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Friendly_Bee

Friendly_Bee

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Calavente
Overall

Best ever logical reason for a return in the past

Reviewed at: Chapter 12 - Games

I don't know about the author's plans for the future...

but for the moment, the MC is clearly not doing what he is expected to do to save the world..

that's so interesting .. there are so many assumptions that I made that were proved wrong !!

It's well written, the MC is stuborn as hell... and the context behind all that happens is well thougth of.

and clearly... it's the best reason for a "return in the past" ever. 

All others (that I read) are more of a plot device, a Deus ex ... "because the authors whishes it, there will be a secret magic, a wish, a pearl... that brings everything back".. bleh. 

Here the reason, and the conclusions behind the reason are so logical that it's awesome !

really worth a read (at least it is still the case at chapter 11)

zryfurn
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Loved the first few chapters, waiting for more

Reviewed at: Chapter 9 - Hobgoblin

This is just a stream of consciousness review. Will post things as I read, with a summary at the end.

Summary is a bit long. Kind of reminds me of that, "they came for... I didn't speak up" poem. Welp, into the story.

Really good first chapter. Lots of tidbits and hints as to what happened without it being an info dump. Love the writing style. Not sure if biased, because it's kind of similar to mine. Basically, what I think is good writing style is variability in sentence structure. This has that.

Chapter 2 was a really fun read. Love the humor. The bold is kind of... weird? I don't understand the purpose. Is it suppose to represent a "booming" godly voice or something?

Chapter 3 Wait, so it's a different earth now?

Chapter 4-9 I'm a bit confused? Disappointed? I thought this was an apocalypse type deal on earth, so I was interested to see how humanity would react. Presumably, with nukes? Machine guns (chapter 7 is just a revolver)? What about news broadcasts? Scientists? Panic in the streets? People buying out all the toilet paper? But it seems more like a dungeon crawler? Which I guess is fine...


Overall, I don't have any issues with story. Well written. Interesting plot if you're into litrpg.

Litchi
Overall

Thanks for writing this story frendly-bee.

I'm a Litrpg addict and putting a time loop at the same time is one of my weak points. So if you are like me do not hesitate to try it. 

i give 5/5 because as a news story it needs a bit of support.

your System panels are a bit overwhelming. for me, there is to many color and box. I know some people love it when there is a lot of boxes but I prefer it simple. The first status screen is a bit too big, the inspiration for Boxy T Morningwood can't be hidden.

thanks for the story friendly bee

Temple
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

This is a re-do story (which is obvious from the title alone), with elements of lit-rpg. Just very broadly explaining, there are different classes and the skills works as with some other stories as the author himself said he's drawing inspiration from other stories. There are also gods, the supernatural element why the world is ending and why the main character keeps coming back. 

I'm going to say that this is more of a dungeon crawler type of lit rpg, the standard levelling type, than an apocalyptic survival, even if the synopsis and the starting chapter (which is awesomely done) are geared towards apocalyptic survival story. 

Perhaps the author changed his mind as we went along, but I do feel like we lost the apocalyptic feeling we had at the start. The main character IS being prepared for the incoming apocalypse (hence, the redos) but this is really more of a standard levelling litrpg. Not that that's a bad thing if that's the main goal of the author, but since the goal of a review is to inform prospective readers, I'm explaining this so readers can decide if this is for them or not. 

I do like the depiction of the flawed character. I personally didn't find him annoying and it has a comedic and even ironic effect when the gods are examining his deeds. 

The litrgp system is nicely done, not overly text heavy and the system is understandable. The texts boxes are nice too, compared to the usual blue. 

I do really hope the apocalyptic side gets fleshed out more in the future, but the updates are sporadic and the chapters are mostly short. I wish the author develops his idea more because I see the potential as we got on with the story. 

Wolfytopia
Overall

Can't wait to see how far we go

Reviewed at: Chapter 17 - Decisions

Now, normally I would give this only four and a half stars, since we aren't in too deep yet, but the author is friendly, keeping to their name, and friendly authors always get an extra star at least from me. The story is well written and gives logical reasoning behind the choices of our main character, and gives reasoning later when they don't. They've addressed the idea of people breaking after too many death starting loops which I appreciate. They also have addressed some tropes in ways I find amusing. No grammar issues I've seen, and the release rate isn't bad either, all in all, even without the friendly author it would deserve the five stars.

Kirbyisgreen
Overall

A twist on the monster fight litRPG

Reviewed at: Chapter 16 - Kindness

This novel has pretty standard litRPG monster fighting fare, katanas, goblins, dungeons, a rebirth, a hero class nobody else has. 

There is a twist tho, with a bunch of Greek gods choosing their champions. I think it is worth a read to see what it's about. Support a budding author with an idea. 

To the author, keep going at it. Good start.