Story: Forever After
- Sexual Content
This is a story that spanned for eons.
Through a series of misfortune, Ryner turned into an immortal creature that has lived for hundreds of thousands of years. Not bound to one world, he saw war and peace, love and hate, magic and science.
The man started as a parentless child only to grow into a powerful and shunned monster. Despite the physical and mental scars, he still fights on. He still fights Alice, his fellow, insane monster and for their own reasons, they kill each other. The two wage brutal wars in the form of a “death game” that Ryner managed to force Alice into playing.
After his latest win against her, he decides to go on a vacation. As such, he inserts himself in a seemingly normal world to enjoy a brief moment of peace and quiet. This is where the story starts, not at the beginning, but near the end. Instead of resting like a lazy tourist, problems pop up one after another. Eventually, Alice ceases to be his only or biggest concern.
This is the story of a man who stubbornly walks down a road of madness.
This is the story of how a tortured soul struggles, lives and fights.
WARNING MATURE CONTENT: gore, sexual content, some disturbing themes
Note: Sexual content will be posted as side stories, separated from the main plot.
(Will add tags as story progresses)
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I have been reading your story for a decent while and honestly, there are many aspects as an author that you are lacking in. I know this is an amateur fiction site, but even so, there are things you should realise eventually and telling you now is best before it becomes harder to reverse.
Grammar: No problems here. Maybe a few errors every chapter or so, but that is relatively excellent. Perfection isn't a requirement for a 5 star.
Story: The story is developing alright. I forgot what he uses as a basis for arcs, but let's say there are 3 arcs each representing a kingdom.
Arc 1 was the first and honestly least memorable for me personally. However, I guess there were decent attempts to build up the world a bit.
Arc 2 was memorable for the wrong reasons because it was SO DAMN LONG!! For the length of the arc, I found nothing really developing within the main character memorable enough to mention. At least we see the main 4 of the 30 or so side characters introduced develop nicely, but it was too drawn out to be worth it.
Arc 3 is near the beginning. Nothing I can comment about yet.
Style: As I said before, this is amateur fiction, but there's things I reckon you should fix. At times, your story just reads like a japanese light novel translated without any effort or feeling. Something like this:
"A young man stood with X on his face and Y thoughts running through his mind. This was Ryner."
Instead of describing him again, not adding new things into the mix, you could just say that it is Ryner. Then you could instead describe an area or something. Just watch out for repetition of description for no reason.
Another problem is the way you write your speech. When you show pauses, you do this "...". What does this do? Except tell the readers there was a pause, does this add anything? You could describe how he looked when he paused, or what he did when he paused, but you instead just put that in which adds nothing.
SPOILERS PLEASE READ ONLY IF U REACHED ARC 3!!!!!!
Character: And so we come to the section I have the most problem with.
Point 1: Has Ryner developed at all? For 3 arcs, I have read Ryner's adventures and all I have ever seen from him was an extension of his existing personality, whether it was helping out of pity or killing out of guilt or something like that. I hoped there would be a change within Ryner in some way or another. If not, then why even choose this planet to base the story on?
Point 2: WTF is wrong with Evelynn and Maya!?! I enjoy dark fantasy despite the fucked up shit I read in it, but the way you handled them had just gone too far in the crazy scale. Eve and Maya may have been cute, but after they raped Ryner, I just can't think of them the same anymore. Then there's how you handled Ryner. If the thought even crossed my mind that I might have had sex with my daughter, even though I was drunk, the shame alone would have probs killed me.
Point 3: Why do you keep mentioning key events of characters? The recent one was Snow and the dog. Every reader with half a working brain would have known that it must have something to do with that incident. Maybe a small reference would have sufficed but simply summarising it makes it lose its impact every time you do so.
I guess Ryner's development could be attributed to the fact that the author might want to develop the others first before Ryner, but I honestly feel this was waaaay overdue.
Seems like more of a rant than a review halfway through, doesn't it?
If there's one thing I would like you to take from my thoughts, here it is:
TL;DR - "It's better to show how it is than to tell sometimes. For the rest, a combination of both should be utilised, with the showing portion being greater."
Good concept, forced execution.
You start with an MC that is OP soewhere around the 10th degree - 'I could just casually destroy worlds' level of OP. So, standard formula: you need restrictions, heavy ones, or the story turns into Joe MC Anybody swatting increasingly bigger flies.
In this case the restriction is twofold: on the first hand, he is wounded/exhausted after his regular fight with his archnemesis, and needs to be as sparing with his powers as possible to allow faster regeneration. On the second hand, he has a heavily restricting personality - frivolous in its everyday expressions, but bound by unbreakable rules that form its core. This setup provides an excellent opportunity to balance the potentially extreme actions of someone with nigh unlimited destructive capability, so a good choice to start out with.
The problems start when the author wants to use a gradual descent into OP actions for someone old enough that no significant change in their power could be reasonably explained. He gives the MC an inventory (a personal dimension, to be exact, but same difference), filled to the brim with fun little toys from ridiculous guns to magical weaponry powerful enough in its own right to change the tides of any war. Also, the MC has a killing intent unachievable by mere mortals, that has no associated cost in power. And he is also implied to have more than enough skill to build/create pretty much anything. (Curious weakness: the MC is incapable of regular magic, altough he is implied by an author's note to have the capability to create a body that does not have this weakness, the flimsy excuse for not doing so is to hold on to his mortal form/abilities as much as possible - yet his true powers, those that he wants to regenerate so 'desperately' do not cause him to feel out of sync with his body...) Despite being given so many safe/economical options, the MC still uses lifeforce based abilities basically right from the start, which feels like the author forcing him in order to get a chance to introduce said abilities. The MC, bing made to waste his precious resources, naturally whines about this all the time, which is basically the character complaining about the author's inability to use the resources he was given effectively, at least in an implied sense. It also serves to have the MC seem like an idiot most of the time. It basically feels like the author chooses which ability the MC would use on an ad hoc basis, which would make the situation the most interesting, most fun to read - as long as the reader does not stop to think. (I tried to, and managed to rush through enough content that my impressions where unable to catch up to me till I got to chapter 49, in which the MC is once again made to make a decision that is incongruous with his supposed intelligence, experience and general sentiment - I mean, he lists half a dozen serious reasons not to take the second bet, then, reacting to an exceedingly lackluster taunt, without even a mention that the rewards for winning said bet were mentioned or negotiated, accepts said bet. Seems to me like a serious case of USS Make Shit Up (google it and wait for the Voyager/Borg reference). But as soon as you do start to think, you'll realize that the author is basically abusing his own creation, forcing decisions and actions on a character when all he should do is to simply let said character be himself and solve any problems he encounters with whatever method is actually best suited for it. Worst of all are the little asides that come up from time to time, where even the author acknowledges that a better solution with an 'oh, well, could have done it better" (see: sniping comment during the dragoon invasion).
Simply put, the MC doesn't feel real, his actions are too forced for that most of the time.
Another glaring problem: speech. The author uses a theater-style speaker designation, the problem is that he puts up these name boxes even when they do much more harm than good: he uses general and often too-part designations for multiple actors in the same conversation. This breaks immersion and does not provide any benefits - I mean, who wants to read [Random Hero]/[Random Villager] after every sentence, when the content already has enough clues to connect said instance of speech to a generic side character. Also, the author keeps using these direct name tags in cases where the speech is followed by a descriptive paragraph that once again explicitly explains who was talking. And these after speech descriptions are problematic on their own: they break timeline. You have multiple characters talking to each other, name box after their lines, going on about something for a while, a speaker could even come up multiple times during this, then you get a paragraph that explains everything from the beginning of the conversation again. Bad form, better to just put the descriptive parts right after the parts of the conversation they describe, letting the feel of time be natural.
Speaking of bad ideas the author keeps repeating: putting references in double brackets or whatever into the middle of the text, i.e. ((This was based on A from B show and C from D show, mixed this way.)) This just breaks immersion. If you really want to share these references, put them into an author's note at the bottom.
Overall, the story feels like it has a strong starting idea and concept, but not enough time was spent by the author to think about ways to realistically implement said concept. Instead he just forces events and characters into the generic form he expects from his story. As I said in the title, he managed to take what little rope he gave himself and still managed to hang the story perfectly.
Written: Chapter 109
Overall: 2 Stars
Style (***): Not much to say. I've never been a big fan of the "Dialogue" (Name) style, but the non-dialogue portions are well written. Common tropes are used often, but they are somewhat well-integrated.
There's a level of rom-com that induced a whole lot of eye-rolling from me early on; recently, it became outright disdain. More on that under characters, though.
Story (**~): The premise was interesting. An immortal being goes to a random planet to recover from an ongoing war. Since he recovers just by being around to leech off the planet's energy, it becomes a vacation of sorts.
However. He gets dragged into random situations for no truly good reason. He even does things that will strongly impact his ability to fight said war in order to save some people, and those people disappear from the story immediately after.
The story doesn't really seem to stick to the original premise, but the arcs are still weakly bound together in that direction.
Grammar (****): I can't give 5 stars to a story that uses the "Dialogue" (Name) format in good conscience. Aside from that, the grammar isn't bad.
Character (*): Yes, 1 star. Early on, the characters were fairly templated and 2-dimensional. However, that would at least earn 2-3 stars. However, a character was introduced later on who I am 100% certain will cause me to drop the series within the next arc.
She has characteristics that would make her an intelligent, interesting character--yet it's rendered completely worthless by the fact that she constantly acts like she's in heat. And honestly, this isn't even a spoiler. She acts like this from the time she's introduced, but she gets much worse as the story progresses.
(Some spoiler material ahead, but no concrete details)
Quite frankly, her relationship with the main character has turned coercive in a self-harming way. Even when her misfortunes aren't manipulated into reasons for intimacy with the main character, her actions are so extreme that I can't tell if she's there for comic relief or fapping material.
Well, plenty of other readers seem to like her just fine. But to me, this character is quickly ruining the rest of the story.
I like the story, it has OP strong MC with interesting personality, good action, and magic. For me that is already enough. Plus it is enjoyable to read and you want to read more and more. Sometimes it reminds me of arifureta. I’m surprised that some shitty novel ended in top 5 weekly and this one did not and that I have not started reading this earlier. This is one of the hidden gems of royalroad.
Update: Soo now I am at chapter 60 and I lowered my score. SPOILERS AHEAD!!! The reasons are: though MC is op author put such restrictions on him that he very rarely uses his powers. He can’t use magic or most likely he can, but does not for some strange reason. He made some stupid bet which really irritated me, it was so obvious that he would lose. Generally he makes some questionable decisions(like planning to travel to dangerous places for no reason) and is being very nosy. He just can’t stay away from problems, while constantly complaining and reminding readers after every fight that he should not waste his powers(which he does). Also it is already chapter 60 and we know nothing about MC, his powers, why he does not use magic and etc. I want to see more of MC’s powers already(it does not matter how powerful he is if he does not fucking use that power) without stupid restrictions and his usage of magic. I don’t want to see only some side characters to get stronger, I wish for MC to develop too.
Everyone is too rapey, and it's one of the few things I avoid (mostly because its a cheap shock value gimmick and is usually foreshadowing for crappy story)
The second thing I avoid is a spineless yesman which this character is, sure he kills people nonchalantly and all that, but he is incapable of telling a woman no or even getting angry at them (even when they literally rape him)
Which seems to be a sort of theme for the novel and the third thing, although this only bugs me. There are no competent male characters, they are either submissive, incompetent idiots or just plain evil, the first Kingdom is a matriarchy, with the king being incompetent, the second kingdom the king comes off as at least powerful, but that is only so the terrified of the wife trope can waltz on in, and if that wasn't enough they are literally in an SnM relationship with the King as the Sub... tmi and it doesn't fit the King's character considering he cares about face so he wouldn't have her announcing it in public.
Bar that stuff it's a good story so onto the advance review.
Style score, it was easy enough to read and I didn't find myself rewording the author's sentences 4 stars.
Story score, I was interested enough in the story to forgo some sleep, some of plot points are a little forced, but it was fresh and interesting enough to keep me reading. (I kinda want to read a dot point summery of the plot simply to know what happens rather than continue reading it for reasons stated in this review) 4.5 stars.
Grammar score, only noticed grammar mistakes once in a while so 4.5 stars. (they may be there but they didn't break immersion so as far as I'm concerned they don't exist)
Character score, this is where this story falls off a cliff, The MC is interesting, but inconsistent, its impossible to tell how he is going to react in a given situation, while this can be interesting, it only shows that he doesn't have a personality, he just reacts whichever way makes the best scene (the one the author wants to write) instead of actually being a character.
The other characters suffer from this too, the two heroines act out of character, do horrible things to the MC, who then has to be even more out of character and let it slide, to keep everything together, just so the author could write a scene... half a star.
also the first heroine literally throws away her interesting personality that had layers and adopts the MCs alter ego as her main personality, only with added hornyness. it was a weird and uncharacteristic personality shift. (personality)
p.s. do you know why 99% of published works have very vanilla relationships and any spice is just increased romantic elements rather than kink. because putting kink in your story will only turn off everyone who isn't into the same thing as you, which tends to be above 50% of the population.
This was a very promising novel , but the stupid reasons mc gives for doing something or savings someone is just nauseating. He is just plain ass stupid.
The main character pretending to be dopy but secretly a badass can only hold the reader’s interest for so long.
Do not read this story unless you can withstand angsty teenagers trying to out-white knight an emo MC.
It had a good premise, [Read the prologue], and the grammar and style is decent.
The main character's only enemies at the moment seem to be the typical 2-byte bad guys, such as the bandits or the prince who tried to launch a coup, it just really felt that they were bad for the sake of being bad.
And, what's the deal with his match with alice? It just seems, really forced for no reason. I'm just on chapter 20 for now, but having her appear in his dreams, talking vaugely, trying to make her a mysterious enemy really seems like someone is putting a gun to alice's head and forcing her to do it.
And the main character? It's so obvious why he's been betrayed so much, He's cared for people, but did he really 'care' for them? did they understand them as for what they are? I feel like the 'reason' he gets betrayed is that, he knows their gonna die one day, and puts up a barrier. I bet he's realized this, but would rather have been betrayed, than watch them perish.
Or, I'm giving Ryder too much credit, and he really needs to hear the saying 'Trust is only won, when you can trust the other'
this is the kind of story that i would read more than once. its simply awesome! great character development and almost perfect grammar. despite being OP and all, ryner still faces plenty of challenges which gives the story more depth. thank you LastSlice for bringing this story to us.
I read up to chapter 48 and then stopped... The author took a great concept and just took a huge dump on it. It was just unreadable after that. Great Idea, Amazing Start... but I wouldn't start this you will just stop reading it.