The Nightmare Mage

The Nightmare Mage

by BenjArk

Warning This fiction contains:
  • Profanity
  • Sexual Content

Shinzu Kaname was 22 when he quit playing [ EdelWeiss Online ] A popular game that was sold over 100,000,000+ copies worldwide, the package of the game contain a cd disc. And after Inserting it into your computer, you will be transported to a fantasy world, where millions of players will receive a message from the system and ordering them to do a quest. Only 600,000 players were chosen to have a different message and a task from the system. Shinzu wasn't chosen at that time, but he had fun playing EdelWeiss Online for 5 years, and after 1 year, he quit playing Edelweiss Online, and he started to focus on his job to be an illustrator to earn a little income. At that time, his older sister was missing in her apartment, Shinzu then entered to her apartment, and he saw her computer charging while it was opened. Shinzu saw her sister status through the monitor, and was shock when he saw His sister potential was marked As [ Unknown ]

It was night when Shinzu got back home, and thinking, If chosen players will come back to the real world, and will he return and play EdelWeiss Online again?.

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BenjArk

BenjArk

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Electric Eagle
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Story
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First off the grammar of this book is just awful, not the worse I have seen I'll admit, and is difficult  to try and follow along at all with me spending minutes to try and figure out what they are trying to convey use the synopsis as an example.

 

Second the story itself is a cliche, bland, and boring story about a pervert going into a different reality to save his sister, who they might or might not want to fuck because why not, that has been trapped in a game competing with thousands of other players, who will see a whole 100 of at most, to win what sounds like a magical wish.

 

The style of writting is just bad nothing really substantial enough for me to mention.

 

Finally the character is the type who would fuck anything that moved if it showed even the slightest of "signs" that they want them. They are one of those fake weak to strong who does absoute bullshit and pulls a deus ex machina out of their ass.

 

Overall i would not read this unless it gets a complete rewrite giving this the slightest of chances that the book isn't a total disaster anymore.

LittleCreepy
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Well, I really don’t want to tear you down, but I think you should try getting an editor. If this is the rewrite, then you should long since have eliminated things like capitalized words in the middle of the sentence. There are also some really wired punctuations in there, like !!!, or ?.... which don’t help your point come across.

Your ideas run into nowhere. What is the purpose of your scenes? Why are they important? You start with the MC in the game, trying to tell us that you play the game by diving into a different world, I assume. But instead of making this clear, you rush things way too much.

It is the classic “show don’t tell” routine. Instead of telling us that the scenery is beautiful, filled with “flowers and orchids”, you should describe it to us. What does the landscape look like? Are there people? What is the Protagonist looking at?

You switch from first person to third and back again, which is quite disorienting.

The dialogue is so broken, that I couldn’t tell what is going on. Try weaving in little descriptions of what the people are doing and why they are talking. The interview at the restaurant was jarringly out of whack.

The scene where he thinks about his sister was creepy as ****! And why does he feel the need to break into her room? Are they not at their parent’s house? Why do they live separately and haven’t seen each other forever? The things in this world don’t seem to make any sense internally.

 

I can’t believe that all of this happened in just the prologue, I don’t want to read further than this. Despite this, please don’t be discouraged. You can only get better by keeping at it.

Maybe try writing in your own language first? English is a strange language, and the grammar can give people nightmares.

If you need help structuring your scenes, I recommend Tale Foundry:
Worldbuilding: How to Start — Worldbuilding Series

I don’t want to dive too deeply into it, but a setting should have the 4 dimensions of period, location, level of conflict as well as duration. Your story doesnt even try to fulfill these criteria, there is no setup. Things just happen in sequence. You also switch too fast, giving the reader no time to get familiar with anything.