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A note from CoCop

Your reglarly scheduled chapter will be posted tomorrow.  This is non-canon but I'm trying to bring other authors in to write about the various pop-media franchises in the Tower of Somnus universe.

The below is Chibi Princess Cats (the show Kat and Whippoorwill like), by Vitaly Alexius, author of Romantically Apocolyptic and Somebody Stop Her! amongst other fine works.

As a note I just got out of surgery on Monday.  Everything is fine but recovery is hitting me a bit harder than expected.  I'm hoping release schedules won't be impacted, but if they are I'll try to let everyone know.

Chibi Princess Cats! A hit tv series! Fun for all ages!

An orange cat called Buttercake sat inside his cosy, colorful box perched on the windowsill, watching the tiniest rain pitter patter against the window pane. He poked the cold glass, trying to reach his own reflection, observing the city street below him filled with humans of all sorts as he always had, day in and day out.

With a sudden thump some sort of a white, fluffy thing fell onto the outside ledge, disrupting his peaceful existence. Blinking his amber eyes, Buttercake realized that this was a wild-looking white-silver cat with blue eyes.

“You! You’re what I’ve been looking for!” The silver cat declared poking the glass.

“Me?” Buttercake answered.

“Yes, you! You’re the perfect cat... specimen… uhh… I mean Princess! Yeah, that’s it, Princess!”

“A Princess?” Buttercake blinked in confusion.

“Yes! Let me in so that I can…” The white cat pushed on the top window frame that Buttercake’s owner left open for a nice, summer breeze.

Having squeezed her way into the window, the silver cat shook off her maine, spraying Buttercake with droplets of water. “What was I saying? Ah. Right. I’m Princess Saffron!”

Buttercake jumped backwards. This home invasion by a questionable, outside cat had been unexpected.

“You don’t look like a princess…” Buttercake said uncertainly, extremely displeased at the violation of his personal windowsill space.

“Shush. Behold! I have the magical stone of power!” Saffron pawed at a black necklace with a heart-shaped gemstone on her neck.

“PRINCESS POWER ACTIVATE!” Saffron yelled and radiant fractals of shifting rainbows emanating from the shiny gem bathed two cats, twisting, warping their shapes into something entirely different.

“What?” Buttercake looked at himself. He was suddenly a human ginger girl, wearing a pink princess dress.

“Welcome to being a girl princess! Ohh, you got a gold tiara! Lovely.” Saffron commented and pointed at her own, now human head. “Mine’s platinum!”

“But… I’m a boy.” Buttercake voiced out.

“Unimportant! The important thing is that the magic rock works! Quickly! We must be off now to dismantle evil across our kingdom!” Saffron, who now looked like a human girl with platinum-blonde hair wearing a silver tiara and a silver dress dragged Buttercake away from the window and towards his apartment’s front door.

“But…” Buttercake voiced uncertainly.

“No buts! Don’t you want to defeat evil, dismantle villains and fight crime? Everybody wants to fight crime. If we don’t stop evil, then how will you be able to acquire food?”

“I don’t acquire food. My human feeds me.” Buttercake mentioned.

“You’re the human princess now and you get to feed yourself via kingdom dominion! Yay!” Saffron shoved Buttercake out of the door.

“What’s your name by the way?” She asked as the two princesses moved down the stairwell.

“Buttercake.”

“See? That’s a perfectly legit human princess name! It all fits! What did I tell you? You were destined to be a princess and rule the world!”

Buttercake didn't look convinced. He didn’t want to rule anything except maybe for his windowsill, apartment and human. Anything beyond that seemed like too much effort.

“Anyways, we must locate the third element of friendship!”

Saffron had dragged Buttercake out of the apartment building, turning a corner. She saw a black cat sitting atop a garbage bin and gasped in excitement.

“Aha!” She lunged for the cat, who had tried to jump away but was quickly caught by her.

“Do not escape! You’re the third element of friendship, an essential part of our gang!” Princess Saffron insisted as the black cat hissed and attacked her face.

“Princess Power Activate!” She yelled, nearly letting go of the cat.

A dark haired princess wearing a black, sparkly dress was now sitting on Saffron.

“What?” She said.

“Welcome to the Princess team of crime destruction!” Saffron yelled from underneath the third girl who was a cat only seconds priorly.

“Wait. Why do… I have human arms and legs? What is this?”

“I have given you princess powers! Do not resist!” Saffron coughed.

“Hi. I’m Buttercake.” Buttercake said, waving a hand to the newly minted princess.

“Chiffon.” The girl in a shimmering, black dress answered with a sigh, getting off Saffron.

“Our crime fighting brigade is now in full order! Now we must locate crime!” Saffron declared.

“Is she mental?” Chiffon inquired. “Why would anyone want…”

“I have no idea.” Buttercake said. “I was a cat myself, like five minutes ago.”

“Aha!” Saffron yelled, pointing at a man walking down the street with a dog. “Crime, most foul! Get him!”

“Pretty sure that’s just a man walking a dog.” Buttercake noted.

“Yeah, I don’t want to fight a dog, even if I have these far longer limbs. Dogs bite. They scary.” Chiffon pointed out.

Saffron wasn’t listening. She was well on her way to block the path of the dogwalker. “Stop right there, criminal scum!” She yelled.

The man looked in concern at the girl in a glittering, silver princess dress. “Sorry?”

“You! You shall commit crime in my city no longer, villain!” Saffron insisted. “I shall banish you to the neverland dimension with my princess power, evildoer!”

“I don’t think she knows what crime is.” Buttercake noted.

“Seems like it.” Chiffon nodded.

“Are you kids cosplayers of some sort?” The dogwalker asked with a slight smile.

“Do you know how we can become cats again? I already miss my warm windowsill.” Buttercake yawned, observing the harassment that Saffron was inflicting upon the confused human dog owner, by jumping around him and threatening him with trans-dimensional banishment. Buttercake didn't fear or hate dogs. He'd seen plenty of them from his window. They were extremely dumb things that peed on street lamps, critters that humans owned for some reason. He didn’t know why other cats allowed this sort of behaviour. Maybe these were free range humans?

“No clue how to un-human myself. This is nice though. I could defeat far bigger enemies with these longer limbs. Maybe even a coon. They’re always after my bin. No claws though. Unless there’s a way to extend these.” Chiffron wiggled her nails with determination. “Nope. Doesn’t seem to be a thing for human princesses.”

“Look kid, your dress is cute and all, but I have places to be.” The dogwalker waved Saffron off, walking across the street, dragging its dog away from a fire hydrant.

“Another victory for incredible Princess Saffron!” Saffron bounced back towards the other two princesses.

“Riiiight.” Chiffon squinted. “How did you make us into humans anyway?”

“With this magic stone!” Saffron pointed at her necklace. “I stole it from a human child because it was shiny and full of magic!”

“So this… thingy allows a regular human to become a princess?” Chiffon inquired. “Is this some kind of a human powerup device or something? Like tuna? Whenever I find tuna in this trash bin I become a far better hunter for a few days afterwards!”

“That’s just eating. I don’t think this is like that.” Buttercake said.

“Do you know why I have summoned you two for my crime fighting Princess gang?” Saffron asked. “You see, this magic stone made one human child into a princess. A human child weighs exactly the same as three cats! Three princesses is better than one!”

“Umm, okay?” Buttercake nodded, pretending he understood what she was talking about.

“Because there are three of us, we can defeat thrice the crime! Increased efficiency! Also our cat-like reflexes are superior to those of a human! All shall bow before our crime-defeating prowess!”

“Do human princesses even defeat crime?” Buttercake inquired. “I’ve been looking out of my window everyday for years and I didn’t see any crime fighting princesses. Pretty sure human policemen fight human crime.

“Of course they do! Everybody knows that!” Saffron waved her hands. “A princess is the highest tier of a human! The most powerful tier, the kind that deals with ultimate crime!”

“Do they really?” Chiffon asked. “Would I get tuna out of defeating crime?”

“Pffff, tuna. Your standards are far too low. Aim higher! Aim for glory! All shall bow before the Princess Gang!” Saffron grabbed Chiffon and Buttercake hugging them both to herself. “One thousand years of crime fighting! Dominion over all of humanity! Infinite tuna!”

Chiffon’s mouth watered at the thought of infinite tuna. Buttercake on the other hand looked sour. He didn’t want to fight anyone for infinite tuna. He already had tasty treats and a warm windowsill with nice sunbeams. All of this seemed like a lot of effort that he didn’t sign up for.

"That's the spirit, Buttercup! Now let us smell out crime, using our superior kitten senses!"

"Buttercake." Buttercake tried to correct her.

"Close enough!" Saffron waved him off. "Less complaining, more inhaling!" She huffed in through her human nose.

"I feel like human princesses have a way worse sense of smell than cats." Chiffon pointed out. "I'm not…"

"Yeah? Can I go back to being a cat, please? I could smell way better as a cat." Buttercake inquired hopefully.

"Shhh! Stop distracting me from detecting evil with your whining!" Saffron hissed.

Buttercake exhaled sadly. He wasn't going to be turned back into a cat anytime soon at this rate.

"Aha! I smell crime!" She pointed at a sushi restaurant nearby. "After me, fellow princesses!" She ruffled her sparkly silver dress and pranced in the direction of the restaurant.

"Do we have to?" Buttercake complained.

"It smells like tuna." Chiffon grabbed his human princess arm, dragging him after Chiffon. "She seems to know the way to tuna."

The three chibi princesses entered into the sushi restaurant, with Saffron leading the way. She rushed past the tables filled with customers, straight through the kitchen doors and down a very dingy stairwell. Buttercake had a very bad feeling about this adventure. Saffron was determined to find evil. She barged into a set of double doors into an underground basement area.

"Aha! I knew it! Crime! Evildoers!" She yelled at the top of her human lungs at the gathering of humans within. Heads of Japanese gangsters turned towards her, katanas and guns flashing in the air. Somehow Saffron had inadvertently stumbled into a local Yakuza meeting as they were discussing opening another hentai shop in town.

Once the Japanese gangsters noticed who it was that was yelling at them about crime they started to laugh.

"Look! She has a tiny tiara and everything! Ha ha ha. Seriously though, who let these children in here?!" The mafia boss pointed at Saffron, smacking his minions for forgetting to lock the door.

"Sorry boss! They run in very quick! I tried to stop them, but they were so small and adorable!" The sushi chef burst into the meeting room after the princess trio.

"I am Princess Saffron and I am here to destroy your organization, evildoers!" Saffron jumped onto the table standing in the middle of the room. "None of you shall leave this place alive, for my magical powers are a force to be reckoned with! All shall fear the princess gang! This city is our territory!"

Buttercake wasn't sure whether Saffron wanted to destroy evil only to become the top tier evil, but pissing off these big, dangerous looking humans armed with pointy sticks and less pointy metal thingies didn't seem like a good idea in the slightest. He tried to back away only to step into the arms of the sushi chef.

"Will someone get this child off my table, please?" The boss grumbled, feeling embarrassed in front of his Yakuza peers. This sort of things didn't happen to him. Chibi princesses didn't just burst into his meeting ruining the serious business atmosphere!

"By the power of princessness I banish you to the nether zone!" Saffron yelled, pointing a finger at the Yakuza boss. Nothing happened.

One of the gangsters grabbed at Chiffon. She immediately bit his hand with her sharp princess fangs.

"Owch! Why you, little..." The gangster cried, letting go of her.

"Damn it, what was the command that girl used?" Saffron mulled. "Ah! I remember now! Become void! Divide by zero!" She pointed her fingers at the boss. The Yakuza boss was getting fed up with his useless minions who were far too bamboozled by the adorable chibi girls in pretty dresses to do anything. He tried to grab at Saffron himself reaching out towards her, putting his face right into her finger gun.

"Kassh-blaaaam!" The head of the Yakuza boss exploded, red… confetti sparkles raining all around the room.

"What the hell?!" Other Yakuza members screamed. They had never seen a man's head explode into confetti.

"Aha! Divide by zero! Divide by zero!" Saffron yelled, pointing her little, adorable, tiny hand at the other Yakuza. Red confetti rained all around the room as people left and right exploded.

Yakuza screamed, trying to stab at the little girl in a silver dress that vaporized people at will. Saffron was far too agile and small for them to hit, using her cat-like reflexes she dodged swords, avoiding sharp blades by mere inches.

"Divide by zero!" The sushi chef holding Buttercake exploded.

"Divide by zero!" The screaming minion that was cradling his hand-bite exploded.

Shiny swords and piles of confetti littered the room, sparkling bits fluttering all over. Saffron spun, silver, glittering dress fluttering as she laughed and twirled on the table.

Buttercake looked on in horror and confusion. Chiffon thought about tuna. She picked up one of the shiny sticks dropped by the burly humans in dark suits. "Does this thing work like claws for humans?" She asked casually, unperturbed by the gangster-destruction caused by Saffron. She’s seen coons do worse things to a melon.

Buttercake gulped. This was definitely not something he signed up for. He knew, felt it in his heart that the dream of a warm windowsill was retreating further and further.

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About the author

CoCop

  • United States
  • Founding Member of the Zard Skwad

Bio: I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the streets at dawn looking for an angry fix of machine translated light novels, burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of the night

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