Beneath the Dragoneye Moons
- Sexual Content
- Traumatising content
Elaine is ripped from this world to Pallos, a land of unlimited possibilities made real by a grand System governing classes, skills, and magic.
An ideal society? What is this, a fantasy novel?
Adventures? Right this way!
A Grand quest? Nah.
Friends and loot? Heck yes!
Humans are the top dog? Nope, dinosaur food.
Healing and fighting? Well, everything is trying to eat her.
Join Elaine as she travels around Pallos, discovering all the wonders and mysteries of the world, trying to find a place where she belongs, hunting those elusive mangos, all while the ominous Dragoneye Moons watch her every move.
Hey! Beneath the Dragoneye Moons is my first writing effort, so please be kind, but don’t hesitate to point out the flaws.
The story starts off slowly, more like a slice of life than action-adventure, but it gets there!
I’m going to be posting M-W-F at first, but I hope to increase the posting rate as I get better at this.
I do know how the story ends, and I promise if it ever gets dropped, or I stop doing this, I will post the ending. There will be no random “this is the last chapter” out of the blue.
Cover art by Lee Kent: https://www.artstation.com/leekent
High-res image of the cover: https://imgur.com/a/7MDQQC6
This story is being published on Royal Road and Scribblehub.
[participant in the Royal Road Writathon challenge]
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The author has made it clear they want to explore sexism in a litrpg setting. Which could be very fun and interesting to read about. There are a lot of fictions that take a unique look at sexism with specific magic and science in play with lots of interesting world building. But in this story, the sexism is tossed in without any reason given for it; making it feel nonsensical and unearned.
Things happen for a reason. Societies aren't sexist "just because." There are things that push a society to be so. Whether it's health related, greed, from the women mostly being kidnapped from raids, whatever. That doesn't justify it, but you can see how they get from point A to B and you think, "Okay, I can see how this happened." It makes sense.
However, in the society we're shown, we're never given a reason for the sexism. The author wants them to be sexist, so they are. We're never shown any kind of cultural, sexual, or darwinist pressure for this to happen. There seems to be absolutely no reason for it, it just is how it is. When women can attain skills to fling lightning bolts without consequences, it doesn't even make sense. It's completely unearned and unsatisfying.
Why is this society like this? How do you marginalize half your population when they're freely allowed to attain superhuman strength and cast magic? What are the ramifications of having x sexist action happen with a litrpg system involved? Cause currently, the ramifications are.. exactly like they are without the system. If you remove the litrpg, it just reads like a random, medieval, sexist society. The litrpg aspect would have huge and interesting impacts on this kind of stuff and society as a whole. The whole point of adding the litrpg is to add to the story and explore how it being present changes the world. But it feels like it's being written in as an afterthought with the world building of it almost completely ignored.
The story isn't terrible, but it's hard to get past constantly asking "why is it like this?" and there never being a satisfying answer. The answer is because the author wants it that way and didn't put in the proper world building for it. The end.
Beneath the Dragoneye Moons is a story that I really really want to like, but that I am finding harder and harder to do as it goes along. This is for one reason: the main character.
She frequently acts like a moron and seems incapable of learning from her previous mistakes. There seems to be little if any character growth; she demonstrates the same lack of wisdom as a late teenager as she does as a preteen. The author states that the MC has ADHD and feels/acts appropriate to the disorder; I believe that - it doesn't make the MC any more likeable. At least for me. She is socially inept on a scale that makes my own social difficulties look like a water drop in the ocean. Any one of these things wouldn't be a bother, but the combination of her character traits create at irritation level that far exceeds what the individual ones alone would. She reminds me of having a sharp stone in one's shoe; that sharp nagging pain that never goes away and gradually grinds away your resistance against it.
Other than that, the writing is excellent. There are few if any grammer/spelling errors, the magic/gamer system has some interesting unique elements, the setting feels well fleshed out with interesting characters. It is a story well worth reading... as long as you can get past the MC. I'm not sure if I can.
Its pretty good overall. I like the characters especially - they generally all have their quirks and faults. For example - the MC's father, for all that he loves her, is very much a product of his culture - inherent sexism included.
The story itself is good, but offers little in the way of twist and surprises. Characters generally act exactly as you would predict, which can make reading some chapters a bit tedious unfortunately.
The style is similarly -fine-. No mistakes, but no great prosaic surprises there.
The grammar itself is near perfect as far as I can tell though. I saw a spelling mistake or two and an arguably awkward sentence. But that's it.
Of extra note to those who care for that sort of thing is that the LitRPG aspects if the story are very well thought out. If I myself had cared for that sort of thing I might've been tempted to rate this story 4 stars. It was a close call as it is.
Overall I've enjoyed reading it so far and plan to keep following it for another arc orc two at least. The writer is doing a good job, and as practice makes perfect I look forward to any future chapters and stories.
The MC is dumb. Really, really, terrifically dumb. The excuse given to us ADHD, but even ADHD doesn't excuse all of her decision making skills.
She behaves like a small toddler throughout her life even as a grown-up teenager. And she is an Isekai transplant.
Just survives on [Luck] and [Plot Armor] most of the time. The writing is fine, but the MC is stupendously irritating, so much that your [Blood Pressure] spikes up.
The world building is very limited and strange. This is a [Sexist] world with a capital S for god-knows what reason. In a world with classes, stat-increase, levels and skills, sexism doesnt occur without a good reason. But there is no historical context given.
And it appears to be only nation also. We don't know anything about neighbouring cities, nations, etc. MC has zero interest in learning anything about [Geography], so the reader has to tolerate her next-to-nil knowledge.
Had to drop it as I just couldn't continue further.
This is obviously a first story and it shows in the writing. The MC is empty-headed a lot of the time for moments that she deems boring or uninteresting. Which, unfortunately, means that she misses out on important information.
But all is not lost! The author's writing is improving and the MC growing out of being a whiny child mentally (she's taking her sweet time, though).
Grammar is good with only a minimal amount of errors that I've seen the author fix.
Overall, I'm excited to see the story progress and I can't wait for the MC to mature.
Beneath the Dragoneye Moons This story has incredible, incredible potential. Its world is interesting and the litrpg elements are crazy tasty. That said, it has PROBLEMS.
Problem 1: Art imitates reality and vice versa. Politics and art bleed into one another also, the problem comes when politics begin to harm the art in question. In this case it twists a hearty and hale story into a sickly thing, and yet it keeps shallow breaths and grows on because it desires to exist, as all things do.
There are many elements in this story which could work in some cases, but simply do not in my opinion work in this one. I'd go into full detail as to why I think so and as to how I think these elements can be improved to make more sense in the context of the world and story in general but it has been made clear to me that, well this author does not value my feedback in the slightest.
Avenues for improvement: Rework the politics, foreshadow, shade and tone them to allow them to truly sing. There is nothing that invests a reader more in a character than conflict with a character that has beliefs, ideals and white-knuckle clings to them in situations when they are powerless. Shaded too strongly it becomes tacky, in balance and flow it elevates and enhances.
Problem 2, Suspension of disbelief: There are many instances where the plot just jars you out of it. In many cases this is a result of the art-politics thing, but in others its because of things failing to be rationalised and being handwaved away. There is an instance in which a child is let outside of town by guards she has grown up around her entire life whom her father works with. They just let her go, because reasons… The plot advances because of it, there are other such instances where this happens.
Avenues for improvement: Adoption of a rational cause - effect relationship. Guards say "Your dad would string me up if I let you go out on your own" So she ingeniously finds a way past the obstacle, perhaps she sneaks into a the wagon and jumps out somewhere when she gets a chance, maybe she scales the walls or engineers a complicated plan of escape that relies on her burning a social bridge with her fiancee's family somehow. The minutiae matter little, its the effort that some semblance of reality is maintained that counts. I honestly think that this one is the most important, if you want harsh but fair criticism, pm me and I will take apart any part of your choosing.
Problem 3 Contrivances: This follows on from the previous point. Its consistent throughout the novel and thus exists as the single biggest potential avenue for improvement. Its in the plot, but its also in the smaller things, like the MC remembering entire pieces of media from Earth in entirety, sure she gets a skill for it that surely helps but perfectly remembering and recounting the entire Iliad + other works before she even gets said skill to a particularly high level on a single night in a stressful situation? I digress, it bothers me, its not that such a thing is impossible, rather its never hinted/foreshadowed at, properly explained and woven into the story with the reasons for such capability rather than 'it just happened' 'because mc just that good' or 'plot demands it happen like this' would make for an improved end product, in my opinion.
Avenue for improvement Foreshadowing and explanation in action, reaction, throwaway lines of description or conversations that shed light on aspects of characters that are later drawn upon. Eg "She's always had a knack for songs" Father said, smiling pointedly at Mother "Got one stuck into Old Bob, said he heard it for days afterward" Use something similar to explain her ability to remember entire things by rote if she's interested in them, establish a baseline and build on it with skills and in character efforts.
I fell in love with this story. But I'm not blind to its flaws. Author I don't hate you, I especially don't hate your work, I just want it and you to reach even greater heights, maybe you'll throw my words out of your mind entirely. I like a lot of what you've written, most of it, but there are flaws : (
Comment of the author replying to someone saying they couldn't stand the childishness of the character (which is a reincarnated late teen who acts more childish than any of the other kids around her): 'Feel free to skip to chapter 20'
Honestly, at chapter 6 I just can't stand the twerp. Nobody wants to read this kind of story just to get frustrated by someone who is mentally in their late teens acting like a toddler. She's 8 years old (mentally late teens + 8 years old), but she barely knows anything about the world... How? Did she never ask her mother anything? The first damned thing children do is incessantly ask 'Why? Why? Why?'. Yet instead of working on the criticism which many people have written about, the author just stubbornly clings on to their own opinion or just outright tells people to skip 20 chapters... If this story ever gets a rewrite and the author incorporates the criticism, it might be decent, but for now I can't be bothered to continue reading. Supposedly the MC also has ADHD... These fantasy litrpg stories are fun escapes from reality for many or stories of wonder, I doubt many people want to read about a main character with a mental disorder which makes any kind of worldbuilding or learning about the world through the MC's actions unbearable.
This might seem like harsh criticism, but a story whose start is this rocky and main character this unlikeable isn't worth your time. If you are someone with ADHD you might like this story as some kind of self-insert (depending on how well the author portrays it, I wouldn't know honestly), but if you're not you should just come back if they ever rewrite it.
well first off i would say its a decent read good grammer decent upload rate but here comes my problem with the novel.
one: mc became retarded soon as they got into a new body hormones play some roles into how people act yes but they dont outright make people forget that your childhood friend lives in a moldy house so not boiling cloth to ward off bacteria no matter the rush can only be seen as a plot device to give a reason for the mc to pledge a healers oath.
two: the author gives to much credit to children if your legs and arms are infected and swollen beyound belief the child is going to scream bloody mercy everytime they move so her childhood friend wouldnt have been able to keep it from the mc or her parents.
three: infections tend to take longer to settle in anuff to kill the patient, 11 days isnt enough to kill a child off 10 years old, unless its some kind of magic strain from the rats that tore her up if so then theres nothing that the mc could have done boiled rags or not.
fourth: the healers oath itself nothing is wrong with it but in a novel type setting people look towards action and the like its reason why they read novels. this is just my personal bia's talking.
fifth: the author deletes comments defending ones point of view on the novel.
Heavy info dumps in the first few chapters and the transition from arc 1 to arc 2 was a little rough due to having a bunch of status changes that are implied but not explained until the later.
Very solid everywhere else. Grammar and spelling in particular are praise worthy compared to the vast majority of web serials.
This is an overall really good story. There are sometimes minor mistakes or unclear passages or parts of the world and the readers might think the characters actions are questionable, but that is only one of the aspects that make it so very believable and engaging that coupled with the Lead Character being a healer, I find it somewhat reminiscent of Azarinth Healer just without the Overpowered Lone Wolf Archetype.
If you haven't read this yet you really should otherwise you are just missing out.