A note from BurgerPunk

Bada bing?

The Italians didn’t take anyone’s shit. They didn’t invest in Pizza on Demand. They knew through generations of hard work that pizza takes time and effort. No. The real research money went to spaghetti. Communes of Italian progeny had sprung up during the reconsolidation period. They knew raising their own pigs and cattle was going to be far more useful than simply waiting for the end of days. It was also quite interesting to see the Italians take on what was once anarchism for Spaniards.

Each commune generally consisted of a farm, a large warehouse, a barn, a central community center, and a front facing drive thru spaghetti facility. Some communes differed on whether individuals had their own homes or if it was one large building, but this generally depended on the environment anyway. Wheat, tomatoes, and cheese were the core tenants for them.

The results were fantastic. High quality pizza for dine in customers, which was fairly rare these days, and the Italians knew it. They just mostly wanted to keep the good stuff to themselves. But the true piece de resistance was the machine processing of fast-food pasta. The sauces were made in huge vats and stored in barrels on site where the teenage kids with pimples on their cheeks would have to roll out a new one after so many customers. The large machine that constantly churned out noodles was a sight to behold. Not just because it was four tons of steel protruding a constant variable stream of gluten, but because the thing itself was kept immaculately pristine. You could see your own reflection in it, and most of the kids would pop their pimples while staring into its shiny void, only to have to grab an industrial cleaning solution and clear off the puss.

The only thing they didn’t have were the cheep looking white Styrofoam boxes that a worker plops the wet noodles into and then pours a little too much sauce on. Those had to be specialty ordered through multiple channels. They had been banned under the guise of eco friendly legislation, but, in reality, the major chains just replaced the disposables with even more disposable steel boxes. The idea coming from the oil industry, knowing that if everyone were driving thru, an extra few pounds of weight in a vehicle when multiplied by the billions over years would cause a need for more gasoline.

The drive thru spaghetti crowd though the steel boxes took away some sense of honesty in the product they were selling. If it doesn’t look like sloppy drive thru spaghetti, can it really BE sloppy drive thru spaghetti?

Quite a number of the higherups in the racket had their shares of stents in prison for buying Styrofoam boxes, but the quality was worth it they always said when they got out.

Some of the kids started their own organizations, to emulate their parents, but these roving gangs, all with spaghetti-based speed puns for names, were more of a side show during long road trips across desert than anything else. One of the groups did actually threaten producers in Hollywood to change the representations of Italians in the media. They had said that Italians were always portrayed as mob bosses, threatening people with violence if they didn’t get their way. These kids didn’t like that and told the producer to fix it, or else he’d wake up in a bath of spaghet.

That producer quickly green lit a pilot of a show called “Little Pizzeria” in which every character was Italian, but no character was allowed to fall into any Italian stereotypes.

It did not make it past the first season, but most drive thru spaghetti joints have it playing in rotation on the television in the in door seating, along with the godfather and Rocky four.

Many saw the drive thru spaghetti chain as competition to the recently implemented Pizza on Demand program, a combined effort between on demand internet media channels and pizza delivery companies to promote not getting up from your chair. With the Pizza on Demand program one could click a small icon next to the pause button on their remote, laptop, or screen to have pizza automatically ordered to that customers preference and be delivered by the end of the episode or else it was free.

Demand soared and employment of delivery guys skyrocketed. Roughly 5% of the population had become delivery drivers, simply because it was a more interesting service industry job than any of the other ones available.

Coincidentally, the rise in pizza demand also proved a boon to the drive thru spaghetti industry as well. The phrase coined by line cooks was “if pizza is on everyone’s mind, where there’s pizza, there’s spaghet.” It was a hit with line cooks, but the joke never made it further than the front door of any given establishment, and for good reason too. If you are selling slopy Styrofoam noodles, do you really want to hear that the line cooks were getting smug about it?

The real good stuff that came from the communes was the fresh mozzarella. It’ was pure cow produced gold. They couldn’t make much per commune because of how much low moisture mozzarella and other dairy products they had to make to keep supplies running smoothly. Residents of the commune would use it almost as currency, if people didn’t eat so much of it. It was the closest thing to nutritious food left in the raging deserts of corporate Midwest America. Bodybuilders would come to communes just to wait for days for one little ball of the stuff because it was pure protein and fats, no added sugar or carbs. And when everything you eat is nothing but carbs, it becomes exceedingly hard to do anything but dirty bulk.

Sometimes the organization would hire the bodybuilders as protection when they knew the Tex-Mex boys started encroaching on their territory. Breakfast tacos may be one of the greatest things created by man, but siestas are no friend to those looking to purify themselves in the glow of their own ego. Rest is for the wickedly normal to them.

It was often joked that the boys were going to “Taco Town,” when, in reality, they were actually just enjoying breakfast tacos, but the rep that came with convincing everyone they were about to go burn down their competition made everyone brim with pride, though this too was actually known by most, though they played along with the joke Even if they knew it wasn’t real, the fact that everyone knew it wasn’t real made it real, otherwise, it wouldn’t have been much a joke in the first place.

A note from BurgerPunk

Bada boom.

About the author


Bio: Thank you for eating burgers.

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Senator ago

The episode of the show I was watching just ended and my on-demand-pizza™ hasn't been delivered yet. My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined.

JK-sama ago

I expected second-hand embarrassment of a teenager dropping spaghetti taking orders on a WcRonald's drive-thru and I am somewhat reasonably disappointed but also relieved.

Space Pickle ago

This chapter made me think of Stephenson's Snow Crash!

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