The Chronicles of Sorataki: Phantom rocket

The Chronicles of Sorataki: Phantom rocket

by D-S-Nate

Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore

In a world that was almost kicked back to the stone ages, a power long forgotten returns once again. Countless unseen realms bridge themselves with ours bringing with it earth's second wind of ever change. 

            
    But alas, no matter the change, it is still man who is cruelest to man... 
            
    Losing her parents and turned into a lab rat by scientists, Natalie, now burdened with the powers of the divine interveners sets off into this bleak and ever-changing world to get revenge; this quest for vendetta however soon grows bigger than herself, when she crosses horns with a powerful and foreboding man who holds the same powers of divinity she was given. 
            
     As she and her childhood friend Andrew try to uncover the face of their enemies they are led to the rumors of the 'phantom rocket' by a pair of mysterious manipulators far from their western homes. 
             
    With the myth being as allusive their foreboding targets Natalie seeks to follow their lead in hopes that who she's looking for and who they might find are one and the same.
            
    Now siding with the two manipulators they pinpoint the location on a map to where such a myth likely stemmed from. A long-abandoned bomb shelter some ways away from a humble village of Aqua falls.
            

    For Andrew, however, this location hits a personal nerve, and for events yet known to the others; marks an eve of a great turning point in these four people's lives.

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D-S-Nate

D-S-Nate

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joshuahalfwit
Overall
Style
Story
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Character

Great job! I hope this was helpful :D

Reviewed at: Chapter 5: Overexert

To start with the highest ratings I gave, characters and story, I believe that, by far, the main selling point of this novel is the Interactions between Andrew and Natalie, the dialogue is well done, in character and doesn't strain my suspension of disbelief. The story is believable, stays relatively on track and doesn't stall or go to fast, on the other hand, I had to reread several parts of the story multiple times to figure out the chain of continuity and the power levels of Natalie and Andrew vary wildly, often within the same fight with no discernible reason.

The grammar, though easly fixable and completely understandable, is the main thing dragging this fix down from getting a higher score, there are surprisingly few actual type-os (Did she image it? Being of of the few) there are many cases where there are words that are either unnecessary or just don't quite fit ( a few examples are....

That rebellious resistance: I don't think rebellious was worth using here?

She looks back towards him only then relisted that he had yet to let go of her wrist. By doing so Natalie Imminently slid down the slope and leaped up on a tree branch to jump onto another. A double example, a type-o in using relisted instead of realised and imminently doesn’t really fit into that sentence, and kinda redundant.

I do not know exactly what is meant by ‘style’ so I gave a rough average.

In conclusion, I believe that, barring a few grammar issues dragging the score down that could be fixed, this story is a very respectable and honestly impressive work, and I’ll be sure to watch what you write in the future, good luck! :D (I wrote this on my phone, so apologies for any mistakes (≧▽≦)). 
edit: on a re-read, upped the score a bit, the story's so good! :D

Buller
Overall

I don't know commas that well, but that doesn't mean I can't find some errors when reading this. Grammar isn't the biggest problem in the world, but it is something I noticed while reading. While I personally don't read this genre, I would say that it's still good enough. 4.5/5

WorryWrite
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

The language is very flowery. Not a bad thing. It's evocative. But it tends to evoke scattered imagery without much binding it together. Particularly in the prologue, much of the description seems to be in unclear locations making the sense of place hard inconsistent and the scene harder to focus on.

Tense seems to be inconsistent as well. Language moves from past to present seemingly at random.

Not a very strong grasp of the meaning behind some of the less common words in use. It isn't bad exactly, much of the intended meaning can come across in context, but it does add an extra step for the reader when they come across a word used in the incorrect context. Though, on the plus side, most spelling is accurate.

My only complaint, thus far (and I would not consider my assessment of writing quality a complaint), is that some of the story is written in very short paragraphs. It is particularly egregious in the first proper chapter, when each small paragraph is spaced an extra line. It makes it very daunting to read in much the same way that a solid wal of a paragraph might be.

By way of advice for improving this story:

I would focus solely on refining your grammar and sentence structures. Keeping a consistent tense (the when of the sentence) throughout the story makes it much easier to read, and forming more basic sentences makes the reading go faster.

Focusing on more than that would be too chaotic and in all likelyhood take away from what is clearly a grand vision of a narrative.