Invasion - A Nanomachine Magical World LitRPG Adventure
- Sexual Content
Thank you all for helping make this happen. I really really appreciate it.
As the rules of publishing go, I have left a few chapters as preview and taken down.
I also have another series of which Book 1 is out on RR and is released every weekday: Reborn - Book 1 of the Jade Phoenix Saga (A Wuxia LitRPG Series)
I hope you all find both interesting. Enjoy!
In the year 2035, humanity broke the dimensional barrier and attached its world to another. Unfortunately, something was waiting on the other side.
Nearly 150 year later, humanity is in a never-ending war to hold what is left of its world. Vic is a military asset for the United Forces of Humanity (UFH) and his job is to kill the Invader orcs and their kin. While on a mission, he is exposed to an advanced technology which grants him powers beyond anything he has known. How can he grow and use those powers serve humanity and its hope to take back the world?
Travel with Vic as he uncovers strange happenings throughout human cities, strengthens himself and his allies, and breaks rules set in place a century and a half ago. Watch as he allies himself with elves, dwarves, gnomes and beastkin to battle the Invaders using a mix of ancient magic and futuristic technology.
This story is a mix of fantasy and sci-fi with an OP main character, magic, guns, crafting, violence, sarcasm, love, betrayal, swearing, blood, gore and some sexual innuendo (Fades to black with no explicit sex scenes).
**This story is copyrighted. Any attempt to plagiarize and claim this writing as your own with be reported to the sites as well as the authorities.**
This story is posted to Royal Road ONLY. If you reading it on any other platform it is done so illegally. Please report it and let me know. Thanks!
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Allright, first off, low style score is for 3 reasons.
1: Short chapters (400 pages = 100 chapters, this is at least half the average RL chapter length; you will be pressing the 'next chapter' button lots and lots)
2: Instances of poor writing, for instance internal-self-monologuing (you know, text like 'oh shit oh shit oh fuck' instead of something simple like 'he panics'), and also the way the author sometimes drops an entire fucking combat log on the readers in some cases taking up close to an entire chapter.
3: Virtually no plot progression, he does not stop, he goes on and on and on and on with what's essentially skill training, for the entire existing story, there is almost nothing else in the story so far, 400 fucking pages, enough to write an entire feature length novel, and the guy is still training his basic skills, he can max them all out in like 5 seconds, but he always just finds new skills to max out immediately until infinity.
Second is the low story score. While the worldbuilding is passably decent, I mean it's a fairly generic post-integration earth where integration is merging of dimensions where said dimensions have orcs, elves, dwarves and monsters; and also there's a lot of other dimensions with other sentient races that will never be a part of the story seemingly in any other form than exposition dumps. With a LitRPG system; this time induced by sci-fi means (nanomachines) and only available to a very special few (so far only protagonist has the system of all introduced characters; even if it should actually be like 5%, or was it 20% of humanity or something idk the author has been super fuckin dodgy about it.
Reason I gave it a three is because I kinda like the world in general, but that's where the like ends. The author can't seem to decide if the nanomachines were introduced to help save humanity, or to make the gamiest litrpg system possible. How you gonna explain how titles and achievements work? Well that's simple, you're just not gonna explain it!
How you gonna explain from what ass you pull things like percentile based damage boosts against targest percentile based stronger than yourself? Simple, just don't explain it (there was nothing to explain, there's no possible scientific explanation how this could work lol)
How you gonna explain how damage points and hp bar works (honestly it makes no sense it would have this at all, nor does it make sense that the protagonist can drop as low as 1hp and then fully recover in like a good 10 minutes)? Simple! Don't explain jack shit!
How you gonna explain that the protagonist can train all his skills to the max level in like 5 seconds? Simple, he's the protagonist.
How you gonna explain why nanomachine density is part of the level estimation equation for everything including monsters and non-humans which should not have any? Simple, don't explain it!
And well, I could go on, about all the inconsistencies, and weird unexplained crap, since this is supposed to be a SCIENCE based system, there should be SCIENTIFIC explanations for everything in it but it is ARBITRARY and based on the author's whims instead, so his entire premise for the litrpg system bascially falls through right at the very start of the story and in the end it's just an arbitrary power-up system for the protagonist to make him increasiongly OP compared to even other system users of which none have been introduced to the story yet in the first place.
So yeah, this story's falling apart at the seams, but the worldbuilding isn't boring at all it's a nice starting point, and the end-goal of the protagonist and thus potential end-point of the story of exterminating all orcs (at least on earth) is clear from the very start.
The real problem is that even after 100 freakin chapters, we're still basically in the tutorial phase. Exposition and skill training is basically the entire story right now. That and well, fate's (author's) hand, just steering the protagonist into absolutely everything good that keeps falling in the protagonist's lap in an unlimited string of happy coincidences.
As for the low character score, well that's easy. I can already see with the exception of one, maybe two female characters, absolutely every female in the story is a thirsty thirsty thot, and all the males are entirely generic template personalities (including the protagonist himself, who is supposed to be one of the most elite special ops unit in the history of earth, yet somehow is dumb as a brick (on purpose) and a clumsy (you know, that protagonist that never gets anything right yet somehow everything magically always works out perfect for him) motherfuckin simp-to-be)
At least the grammar was fine...? I mean he makes some mistakes but it's nothing out of the ordinary, nothing that'd actually bother me personally.
So yeah that's it. I cannot say I recommend this story; this author has some promise, but he needs to learn to give his characters personalities matching their backgrounds at least, and emotional reactions matching the circumstances, something he also fails to do quite a lot.
The biggest crime of all, to be honest, is the almost total lack of any sort of progression.
This is overall a competently written story. The setting is a fantasy/hi-tech mashup that pits a struggling humanity against the classical evil fantasy races (orcs, trolls, and the like) with assistance from the classically good fantasy races (dwarves, elves, gnomes). Overall, it seems to work, creating a world with modern magically enhanced tech as well as enchanted gear. That said, tech does seem to have declined in some areas to allow for more balanced combat between the two sides.
Stylistically, the story flows well. Perspective remains anchored in first person without jumping around and descriptions of locations and events are well done. From the chapters that I've read so far, style seems to be the most solid aspect of what's been written.
Story: This is where I began to run into issues with the work. Light spoilers follow (not plot relevant). First off, the apocalypse began with a tech level of mana-powered nanomachines and physicists breaking through the dimensional barrier. The nanomachines are justification for a litrpg System, but only wind up being applied to human bodies (creating awakened vs. unawakened). Special forces still use sniper rifles with magical rounds against enemies that fight with axes and swords. But what happened to all the heavy ordinance? Bombs, tanks, missiles? For some reason, magic dissolved all plastic (big environmental win there), but it's not explained why polymer chains were singled out for dissolution and nothing else. The MC is also given the OP protagonist treatment. For some reason, awakening his nano changes his species from human to an extremely magically capable humanoid, his nano density is off the charts, he's refined into a godly attractive figure, gains liquid steel skin (that looks perfectly normal), and regenerates almost instantly. Except when he doesn't. In fairness to the author, the MC does work relatively hard, but it's very much a story where the MC is the Chosen One. With "Living Mana" orchestrating events behind the scenes, it's very much a guided by fate storyline. Some love the chosen one setup, some hate it, but it's worth knowing about ahead of time.
Grammar: A bit of a consistent problem. Spelling errors are actually non-existent, credit to the author, but other grammatical errors are pretty common. Homophones, adjectives where adverbs belong, incomplete sentences, there are a lot of spaces where a second perspective to proof-read would be beneficial. For instance, Sea Saddle City gets three different names (Sea Saddle, Sea Sattle, and Sea Seattle).
Character: Generally quite good. Characters each have their own unique voice and avoid the trap of cardboard cutouts set next to the MC. The issues that I have are largely in the occasionally odd interactions between them. The MC is an attractive ("hottie with the scars" prior to system refinement) special forces operative that comfortably flirts with almost every woman he meets (including his bike and System) but is allegedly awkward around women and has managed to retain his chastity. Grun immediately wants to kill the MC after he nearly dies to save them. Shen's actually pretty well rounded in her interactions. It's nothing huge, but minor inconsistencies pile up. Additionally, a relatively large amount of exposition is delivered through the System (Jocelyn) despite the MC being in Special Forces, making it seem like he doesn't know very much about the world. It's not uncommon in stories, but his military background doesn't seem to add anything other than access to military spec upgrades. There wouldn't be much of a difference if he was just a regular guy. Lastly, I'm hoping that the 22-year-old elf child becomes a sidekick and not a love interest. It would be uncomfortable.
In summary, the story is good enough that there are no large problems to detract from the experience. The flip side being that there are a number of finicky little bits that don't quite line up right. Fans of Chosen One storylines or OP protagonists will likely find this to be a very enjoyable read, as its characters are distinctly better written than most power trips on Royal Road.
A good story right up until the "hotel"
After that, it just has too many unanswered questions, strange inconsistencies, odd interactions combined with a disjointed tone shift. With a bit of rewriting focused around those events and how they affect the characters and influence the world, it could regain its shine but as that section currently is I could not recommend this story to my friends.
This review contains spoilers.
The start of the story is pretty interesting. Though not entirely unique, it sets a foundation for an interesting story, world and character development. I particularly found your take on the idea of the System quite novel. This sentiment holds about until chapter 60 (end of Volume 3).
Grammar and style are consistently decent, we learn more about our MC and start to get a surface-level understanding of the world. The world of post-apocalypse Earth does feel organic and the MC is generally likeable–albeit a bit dense and immature, despite his professional military background. Aside from a few original characteristics, the MCs power-creep is quite cliché as is the case for many LitRPG novels on this site and beyond. If this is your thing, I would recommend at least giving this a shot.
On the other hand, there are a few glaring issues that become more prominent in later chapters. Often times the motivation for MCs decisions are complete nonsense–e.g choosing to not level up, not connecting to the system network because it doesn't feel right, risking life for complete strangers etc. While not bad per se, we are not provided with any reasonable motivations for those decisions. As such, it is more about what the plot demands than who the MC is. However, what made me drop the novel is how the author handles side character death. There is no emotion, no stakes, no urgency. The MC saves strangers, spills essentially all his secrets within a week of knowing them, and when they die because of his mistake, they are basically forgotten within a day. Following which, the MC decides to just chill for a couple of weeks and do some shopping because "fuck it, why not". This overwhelming drop in quality and increasing frequency of grammar mistakes and naming inconsistencies is what made me drop the novel.
All in all, an interesting take on the typical LitRPG system apocalypse genre. Solid potential, but could use a rewrite starting at the end of Volume 3.
This really goes off the rails around chapter 59. Just makes 0 sense and throws the structure of the story and any attempt at actual character development down the drain. I kept reading for a few chapters after that but it's really off-putting. A bunch of other things don't make any sense but that was really an anvil on a laden camels back.
This is an opinion.
TLDR: The story is nothing to write home about, lil generic, the lore was interesting but the litrpg elements weren't balanced well at all, didn't add much, kinda gross 'romance' plot, loads of inconsistencies.
---------------expanded thoughts------------------Spoilers ahead -------
This is mostly meh, grammar and vocabulary is okay, lore/worldbuilding was interesting but too little to carry it through...
what I personally didnt like:
The sentient AI is kind of a dick.
MC tries to adress fate/chosen one trope, this is hard to do cuz its very easy to make all the character efforts seem pointless because it would fall in his lap anyways, which it did...
MC seems emotionally/ developmentally stunted, is pushed around by his AI, has very little agency, mostly passive and reactive. Does not seem like actually military or maybe infantry?
Deaths have very little impact on side characters , like the kids' family dies, she is giggling at cartoons a day later, there is no grief besides one nightmare, mc doesnt even feel guilty that his actions led to their deaths.
Why not kill them off in the woods? Would have been more realistic.
Also why is he trying to raise some random kid? Like there is probably an expensive boarding school somewhere that could allow her to grow at her own pace and have some proper stability, he would apease his feelings of responsability without being in her life.(or childhood)
Which leads to...
The author foreshadows the kids crush heavilly but the MC never adresses it, the other characters insinuate (kids mother, AI, hotel boss sister) about them being fated/that he likes them young etc. Describe him as dense but push him towards this romantic plot even though he seems to not think of the kid that way.
He met her as a kid, and adopts her as a sister so he will always see her that way like most family, right??
Wrong! His level up makes him hibernate for 2 months and surprise! The kid sister is grown and she is now too sexy too think straight...
She depends on him for survival after his gets her parents killed, any type of romance is sketchy because of that. Some wierd mixture of savior and stokolm sindrome. Also we are told that she was a prisoner for most of her infancy and who knows what abuse she has suffered, she may even think its normal, but having this be said (by the author) to actually, be "normal" feels gross to me, even if its fiction.
Kids parents story is also sketchy, they were together for a really long time(70+years) but Shen becomes pregnant by someone else, abuse is hinted at, there is no mention of inability to conceive between elves and dwarves so its unlikely that this was sperm donation, there is very little depth to the characters, as they are killed off rather quickly.
Would be average maybe 2.5 - 3 stars without both the Pawn to Fate and sketchy romance plot.
The overall premise and general world building was excellent. The difficulty lies primarily in the fact that there is almost none.
Protagnoist starts in a tricky situation, goes through a chunk of trial and error learning (which always ends up in success) and has a fight that they largely cruise through.
... I'm now 100ish chapters in and the protagonist has had a couple of serious fights but managed to become the projected most powerful person in the world with a fated hot babe who panders to him. ... there is no tension at all.
It's a shame.
Well, this started really good, add decent grammar, intrigue at the beginning and lit rpg elements and we have a nice read. But that's very short lived. Characters are at zero level and their behavior is childish at best. It is really cringe. Story development makes zero sense at later(50+) chapters, it feels like author wanted to target one category of readers but switched to another one. This requires a huge rewrite or just not worth reading.
This story is a litRPG. The system does a lot of the work when it comes to carrying the sense of progression. There is significant powerleveling going on and the moral equivalent of EXP being gained from kills or special actions.
The story cycles between power-leveling, being in near-fatal and less fatal fights, gawking at the awesome stats gains and cheaty achievements from said fights, quarreling with AI assistants, quarreling with love interest, making up with love interest. The story would be well served if this rapid cycling slowed down a bit and in stead delved deeper and had some more polish.
There are often contradictions between what is stated and what is the evident reality.
The story is framed as a magical apocalypse. Humans supposedly get a cheat due to the last minute invention of nanobots that can empower users. Unfortunately the way the story is presented it flexes and groans at the seams. For instance take achievements, especially the first-time achievements. If the "system" was provided by some global omnipresent system then it would be plausible to reward people for being the first at something or achieveing set thresholds. But as the system is just a nanobot-swarm incorporate into the body of the user this makes no sense. There is no logical reason why the nanobots would gain more energy or knowledge just because the user was first at something, or met some arbitrary threshold. Either the nanobots are perpetual motion machines or they hold back on the host by a lot on the off chance that they might need to reward the user at some point in the future.
Also, the system is a woman that flirts with the user? well ok then..
The MC is in a love affair with several AI assistants and there is a lot of sexual tension there for some reason.
There is also an elf girl that is supposedly quite old, and experienced and later on actually matures supernaturally fast (explained in worldbuilding, not acually a problem by itself). Interestingly the more mature her body the less mature her mind seems to become (not in plot, but thats how my impression as a reader over time evolved).
Also some of the characters flip between mature and responsible, to toddler-tantrum, caring to cruel at the flip of a switch because its situationaly luseful for some pun or other. But over the long term that leaves many of the characters feeling incoherent and self-contradictory. The elf girl suffers by far the most from this.
The MC and military spec ops mindset:
He doesn't have it. It says on the tin that he does, but really.. he cannot even keep up basic vigilence at the aftermath of a huge battle. Invites civilians to danger zones. Inexplicably flips between paranoid and sending his charge out without a second thought.
Once reunited with the team the debreifings are a combination of "so i told them everything except stuff i didnt want to tell them" (needs some show-no-tell touch-ups and elaboration badly) and the commanding officer playing "I wonder how many times i can cuss in the middle of this supposedly super important sentence before the readers just skips all of it". Another fan favorite game is "Im spouting these kewl and awwsum codewords, actually I just have nothing meaningful to say so hopefully nobody notices", too bad the other security practices seem questionable at best. Combined this just comes off as an exxagerated caricature of an actual military debreifing, a hollywood spec-ops not a functional one.
It started out great for me, but pretty quickly I got sick of the fact that everything felt really, really unnatural. The dialogue and thoughts of the MC feel more like a 6 year old roleplaying some idealized secret agent character than anything else. Other than that, I have no real issues. The story is fine if you look at it as a whole rather than any one chapter, the grammar has no major issues, and I quite like the idea. The story just exceeds the author's current ability to express their thoughts.