The Halfwit Halfling: A Bard's Tale

by Woofcano

Original ONGOING Action Adventure Comedy Fantasy GameLit LitRPG Male Lead Portal Fantasy / Isekai
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity

`After completing the epic quest 'Open-Mic Night' Perry returns home with his consolation prize, 'Chips with Cheese and Gravy'. Unfortunately, while completing the daily side quest of 'Taking Out The Trash', he crosses paths with the feared Devourer of World's herald, Miss Purrfect. When his secret over-powered technique 'scritches' is super effective, Devourer of World curses him with the Pacifist Trait and condemns him to the terror of Game World.

How will Perry survive a world of monsters and magic, when hurting a fly can make him weaker than a slime?

Perhaps Charisma is the answer.


Due to COVID-19 and how it's impacting the economy, I have no choice but to take the story to Kindle Unlimited. Chapters 1 - 27.5(the interlude) will be coming down sometime soon in the following weeks. I'll confirm a date as soon as my editor finishes polishing things up.

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Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
1. The Price of Scritches ago
2. Race Selection ago
3. Armed With A Smile ago
4. Behind Capper Bars ago
5. Baby Don't Lie No More ago
6. Onions, Potatoes And A Whole Lot More ago
7. All Hail The Chief! ago
8. Conjuror of Cheap Tricks ago
9. A Troll on A Mission ago
10. Hide And Seek ago
11. Bar Room Maestro ago
12. You've Got A Friend In Me ago
13. Halfling Cook ago
14. Oh! I Want To Be Free! ago
15. Wish You Were Here. ago
16. Escape Plan ago
17. Escape From Blacknail's Table ago
18. Pursuit of Warginess ago
19. The Three Best Friends That Anyone Could Ever Have ago
20. Mushroom Dodging ago
21. Fresh Air ago
22. Lily and Hyacinth ago
23a. On THe Road Again (Part 1) ago
23b. On The Road Again (Part 2) ago
24. A Meeting Of Deities ago
25. A Goatherd's Life For Me ago
26. It's The Thrill Of The Fight! ago
27. I Ain't Afraid Of No Goat ago
Interlude: Little Capper, Big Capper ago
28. Highway Robbery ago
29. Gangs of Eldar's Port ago
30. LFG! High-Charisma Bard Wannabe ago
31. All You Need Is Flash ago
32. Suit Up! ago
33. No, I Won't Back Down! ago
34. Street Food! ago
35. Welcome Growth ago
36. Hunted ago
37. Thick As Thieves ago
38. New Alliances ago
39. Undercover ago
40. Militant Forces ago
41. The Wargoat And His Rider ago
42. What Heals All Wounds? ago
43. Bard, Merchant or Wayfarer ago
44. Friends In Strange Places ago
45. Bleeding Heart ago
46. Dragons Come At Night ago
47. Who Is The Enemy? ago
48. Chris P. Bacon ago

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Vowron Prime
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Don't let the title fool you! There's nothing half-sized here!

Reviewed at: 37. Thick As Thieves

The synopsis may try to sell you that this is a story about a powerless, blundering hobbit, but Perry's actually got a good head on his shoulders; more so than most humans, let alone a halfling. And his powers? Sure he's got that Pacifist trait, but Perry is not one to take adversity lying down, no sir! His unique traits and powers propel him to discover equally innovative ways of solving his problems or overcoming adversity, and that's what makes this story such a joy to read. Well, that and the richness of a universe so well-realized you can practically taste it.


This is the real strong suit of this story. Perry is just well done. He's a Bard! He's a Pacifist! He's an ex-human down on his luck! But really he's just relatable. Someone with his own baggage and outlook, who just wants to eek out his own story in an often-brutal world. Just that he sometimes gets drunk and accidentally proposes to women, but hey, who doesn't?

The side characters are no less fun, Well developed and engaging, I was especially enamored at his annoying-yet-endearing headbutting horned animal friend.


Style is good, though can get a bit exposition-heavy at times, especially in the middle of action scenes(oh yeah, there's plenty of action, Pacifist trait notwithstanding!). I found this can slow the pace just a hair, but it's really not anything that detracts from the enjoyment.


The story's really beginning to pick up in arc 2. Where arc 1 was more about him figuring out the world, arc 2 sees him take a stance and begin to assert his will against the forces that be(and there are some pretty potent forces out there!). That said, I get the feeling that things are still getting into gear, and I see it picking up further in upcoming chapters.


Some of the best on this site. The only issues I could find were the occasional comma splice. Apart from that, it's near-perfect, and definitely a cut or two above what you'd expect to see on RR.

In summary, THH is an engaging adventure set in a rich universe with believable, fun characters. If you're on the fence, I definitely recommend you give it a shot! It's more than worth your while.

Folded Corner
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The last time I came this early my girlfriend left me

Reviewed at: 1. The Price of Scritches

I have not read the previous version of this story.

The introduction is a good hook. We get a small window into the life of our unfortunate main character, before he's quiet literally corraled into a world he wants no part of. I enjoy this style of story telling, and look forward to a light hearted comedy, even if it's set in a, what seems to be, grim-dark fantasy.

So far there has been a couple minor grammer mistakes, the same ones I make all the time, but the writing quality is top notch.

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What a treat.

This is a portal fantasy with a smart set up. A college musician gets dragged to another world, against his will but rather than taking on the world with incredible cheaty magic or a mighty sword, he only has his wits, guitar and a lot of Charisma.

Charismatic characters can be hard to write. Charisma is often in the eye of the beholder, but Woofcano does a great job of making Perry infinitely likeable. You really feel that this is a character that other individuals would get along with easily.

Between Perry, a helpful elf, a cosmic entity with none of their act together and a needy cat, you have a motley cast to start us off with.

I'm early in the story at the moment, but so far it has the right amount of comedy and tension with a solid goal to direct us and keep us reading. Good pace so far too, which is enhanced by the lackidasical style.

This more reads like a story your friend would be telling you at a bar than a web novel and that's pretty awesome.

As for grammar, I noticed a few mistakes, but nothing that ruins clarity.

I recommend this heartily. It'll put a smile on your face.

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Great story - fantastic humour and banter, imaginative and interesting world, and a lovable MC. Can't wait for him to start getting his skills and to power up to see what mischief he, his pet goat, and his friends can get up to!

  • Overall Score

I love the story. It's rare to see one dedicated to Bard, especially one that is not allowed to use violence and thus forced to charisma his way through trouble.

The MC is believable, flawed like any other, has his vices and virtues, and makes mistakes. Some mistakes made him looked like a jerk, and those mistakes he regretted very much. That what I like about him, even when I want to beat him senseless for that one mistake.

Can't wait for more chapters.

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A promising story in unique perspective

Reviewed at: 17. Escape From Blacknail's Table

Interesting premise with a good follow up. I like the perspective the author decided to go with and for once to read about MC who isn't OP from the start. (Not that I mind those.) A guy, teleported for Ahem ridiculous reason to another world and becoming a bard. The chapters are engaging enough to keep me reading.


The flow is smooth enough without any hiccups, at least I didn't notice anything. 

Having a man forcefully moved to another because of a cat is hilarious enough and the comedy keeps coming back in the later chapters. The perspective of the MC where he has to be something else and not a fighter is really refreshing.

There weren't many typos that I saw and the flow of the sentences is good enough for me. No problems here.


Engaging enough. They aren't shallow and the reactions and conversations mostly feel natural. Though, it can always be better, the author still did a good job, even for the side characters.

Isekai story showed in new perspective. Worth checking it out.

  • Overall Score

Still good and a bit more refined

Reviewed at: 33. No, I Won't Back Down!

Read my title. Story got polished. Its still good. For newcomers, give it a go. Characters, worldbuilding, and plot have been really good so far

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A likeable MC. I look forward to each new chapter

Reviewed at: 31. All You Need Is Flash

My favorite stories recently seem to have in common that they are in the litrpg and Isekai genres, or at least in a magical fantasy world with a similar feel, they find a way of avoiding the most cliche tropes especially the MC going so OP the story has nowhere to go, and most importantly, a main character that I genuinely like. Perry is a laid back musician caught up in a world set up as a virtual reality game, but it is not a game and better not be treated as one. Saddled with the Pacifist Trait he doesn't have the option of powering up as a Warrior or ever succeeding in raw conflict. And that is fine with him as long as he can get by with music and magic and good times with good people. That won't be easy in the harsh and competitive world he finds himself in. I find myself eagerly opening up each new chapter that comes out, looking forward to the next steps in Perry's adventures in this world. It is a story of personal growth and learning a whole new world and set of cultures, not at all the cliche of growths of power and brutal battles. 

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The Pint-sized Paragon Returns!

Reviewed at: 1. The Price of Scritches

As an avid reader of the first edition, I was very enthralled with the new take on the story, yet satisfied with the familiar style of writing, characterization, and consistent smooth pace of the story. Overall, I have found little to no faults in this novel and will look forwards for more chapters to ravenously binge.

An applause for Woofcano for delivering another smash hit.

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It's a good story, the character is introduced well enough in the story, and he is likable.

The style and pace of the story is great, I spotted a few mistake in grammar but nothing important.

Read this novel !