Tempest Rogue

by C.R. Mcmahon

Original ONGOING Action Adventure Fantasy Psychological Dungeon GameLit High Fantasy LitRPG Magic Male Lead Non-Human lead Portal Fantasy / Isekai Slice of Life Supernatural
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity
  • Traumatising content

This story follows Auron, a man who has been plagued with vivid nightmares his entire life. While running away from a beating, a splitting headache causes him to fall to his knees. Once again his nightmares bleed into reality. The next "episode" he has brings him from the scene of his nightmare, to a posionous swamp. To make matters worse his memories from earth are fading, and these nightmares that plagued his childhood, filled with darkness and a red coocoon, are back and worse than ever. As he clings to the only memories he has left, he is forced to fight through a world of brutal blood thirsty monsters, dungeons, and a complex magic system governed by an ancient agreement. 


First time writing any sort of story. Everything is still a work in progress. As I improve on my writing I will go back and edit parts. Early chapters are subject to change as I grow my ability.

I am going to try my best to write this world and improve as I go. My goal is to make my dream come to life through the medium of text. This is why I wanted to post it here. Feel free to comment, and bring constructive criticism. Hope you enjoy!

More info (Spoiler warning): only read if you are picky, read a lot, and want to waste no time with a story you may not want read. 

This book is a litrpg. This means it contains stat tables, and other game elements. (Which you may gloss over if you would like) It is written in a fantasy world, in the style of a progression fantasy. The main character grows in power as the story plays out. My characters are written to my best ability, but you may find them immature. The MC has to adjust to fighting, and killing which he struggles with for a while. His partner is a magical salamander who is a friend and mentor. The world building, monsters, and descriptions are also low tier. (I am working hard to change that!)

If you are okay reading something by someone who is just getting started then welcome! I am doing my best, and incrementally improving as I go. 

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C.R. Mcmahon

C.R. Mcmahon

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Thistleman
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Overall, the story has an interesting take on the Isekai genre and brings in a lot of more modern gaming concepts to add to the usual 'system' found within the genre.

Looking at the story's style, it is very descriptive on each and every detail. In the sense of worldbuilding, the style does a decent job of that, and most descriptions are on point for the scene they are describing, with the occasional curveball that gave me a double-take. The effect of this is to make a somewhat slower moving story, as there is a lot more to process in each set of events, while instead giving a clearer mental picture.

The grammar is very decently done as well, misspelled words are infrequent, however use of the wrong word that sounds similar to the intended word happens enough to be a little distracting (e.g. using 'disguarded' instead of 'discarded'). Definitely an easy fix with a bit of editing, and it doesn't do enough to detract from the story. 

Where the story excels is in the most important aspect, the story itself. It sets some good mysteries early on for the readers to look to solve, or find hints regarding them. It also adds in some unique aspects of modern gaming, particularly the socket system that is highly reminiscent of FF7, except instead of on gear, the person carries the sockets themselves! I can also see a D&D style familiar system added in, which further expands the universe quite well. It could certainly be fun to see how the MC will play that out in the future, as they find abilities and buffs to slot in, which could certainly modify the base magic system of the 'natural' isekai world.

The characters also show decent enough potential, granted I have only seen the two MCs so far. The mental torment the MC has suffered definitely shows through in his decision making, and semi-insane attitude. Maybe adding in some more 'verbal ticks' to his dialogue would help the readership in accepting him babbling his thoughts to himself? When your mind has been nothing but an internal torment your whole life, constantly speaking aloud may very well be a coping mechanism to try and stay grounded in reality.

Hope this helps!

SLit23
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There's definitely a story to be told here, but it's a massive struggle to like the MC. He comes across as immature, stupid, and overly emotional. He starts off with an ability that is explained as allowing him to remain calm in trying situations, then proceeds to break down in a situation slightly more stressful than kicking a rat. We're told that the MC is has had a rough life, yet he has nothing to show for it. From the way it was described(and it was a very empty depiction), you'd think it would have hardened him up a bit. The conversations between the MC and his companion are what you'd expect from a 13 year old, and a slightly older teen. The redeeming quality of this story is that grammatical errors are rare, though the author's use of language is mediocre. There are a few other issues I have with this story, unnatural moments of introspection that lead to rapid shifts in personality, appearing to be significant, but forgotten just a few sentences later. The system is very basic, seeming to fulfill the needs of the author rather than exist in a truly coherent way. It's a middling story, and not terrible as far as YA lit goes, but the quality is far below anything you'd find among most stories with similar ratings.

theauthorokelley
  • Overall Score

When it comes to LitRPG/GameLit Gotta Love Clean Stat Tables

Reviewed at: Damn goblins

The only thing keeping this from being a perfect 5 star in my mind was inconsistent capitalization. The story itself is good but Litrpg is also about the experience and immersion, and those are some pretty menus. I know, sounds stupid but I know how long those take to do, and the author did great with them.

That said to the author as just general advice, in this genre you will get "hate" for having a "non-chad" MC. Just realize this going forward, its nothing against your writing, you're doing fine.

meltong
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I was asked to do a review swap.

Appeal: The story cover was appealing.  I'm a sucker for animal familiars.  The appeal to me was waning because it turns out the salamander was more mentor and more for pushing the story along, fixing any issue with MC not knowing stuff.  The status windows and observation skill could have been enough.  Zander is sarcastic every now and then.

Experience: For my first RR read (more than one chapter), I had low expectations.  But the author has a lot of ideas and excitement and it shows.  I struggled with the first chapter, but the reading was smooth afterward.  Vera Anne Wolf addresses some issues in her comment.  Ch 1 still needs more work though.

Comparison: I don't read too much LitRPG but consider this good.  Status and other dialog windows were fine.  I feel the author is greatly influenced by litRPGs.  There's enough going on to not be bored.

Miscellaneous:  One thing I would like to see is how the red cocoon connects and see how often it influences him. 

Vera Anne Wolf
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Slow Dungeon Survival with a lucky Green Salamander

Reviewed at: Home, Alligators, and a dungeon.

This is a review exchange on the first 3k words.

Overall Score: 4.5/5 I’m intrigued by any story that involves traveling to another world. A game system type world (litRPG) has a lot of potential that personally appeals to me. In this story, the MC Auron is being chased while suffering from some sort of episodic migraines that make him see what he describes as a red cocoon. I imagine this image, and the darkness inside it, either relates to how he transports to the dungeon he quickly finds himself in—or will be connected to whatever ability will help him survive the dungeon and become stronger.

Style Score: 4.5/5 Story could use a bit more details as a lot of events came off told rather than shown. As fast-paced as the opening was, this was fine, except in areas where it created confusion. Was it spaghetti or blood for example? Also, how the heck did he go from alleyway to dungeon?

The use of CAPS LOCK and vague mentions of “objects” (see chapter comment) were also a bit baffling.

Story Score: 4/5 Since the exchange only covered the opening 3k, keep in mind for me, that only covered the first chapter. I was left with the unresolved mystery of why Auron was being pursued in that alleyway. Why at one point did he appear to be wiping blood from his face, hands, and shirt? Or was it actually spaghetti? How did he go from stumbling in a pothole to wading in a dungeon swamp?

Grammar Score: 4.5/5 There were a few typos and incorrect dialogue tags but nothing major.

Character Score: 4/5 This is hard because I’m only so far in, but Auron, for me, appears a bit unstable and highly excitable. After seeing a screen and realizing he’s traveled somewhere with game-like qualities, he freaks out because a newt (salamander) communicates the word [Home] to him. There was a mention of a mother who was two years deceased, and yet when he heard her voice after stumbling in the swamp he blindly followed it? I just wasn’t given enough to glean his personality as anything other than “unstable”? I did admire that he didn’t give up despite the endless travel through a swamp that slowly drained away his health which lasted for 90% of the first chapter.

 

Overall, I think it has potential, I just feel like it didn’t really grip my attention as much as it could. But if you like litRPG dungeon with a handy green swamp newt who heals you and becomes your best buddy, this might have more appeal. As with any dungeon litRPG there are infinite possibilities ahead which makes this worth checking out.

 

Dick Benetton
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Dungeons are known for their promise of two things—treasure and death.

Reviewed at: Gauntlets

You've been warned—Tempest Rogue will steal your heart. 

Style

The story uses the first-person perspective to great effect, detailing the new environments and dungeons that we visit. The prose is easily digested and the fight scenes are brutally intense. Overall, it's a very solid style set by the author. What pushed it to 5 stars instead of 4.5 for me was the bits and pieces of how the system explains various information to the MC. At times, you'll see it advising the MC with things like "The pointy end goes into the monster" and I can't help but feel impressed with the dark yet charming tone of this world.

Story

Our protag somehow finds himself in a new environment with his life immediately at stake. There's no 10k word prologue here, it's gripping and intense from the start. Pacing is great, with crescendos of fight scenes followed by the calmer aftermath—which is usually MC learning about his new abilities or seeing what items he gained. Right now, the MC just wants to survive and make sense of his newfound abilities. With Chapter 18, we finally get a glimpse of life other than our MC, and I think that MCs goals and motivations would become even more compelling after that.

Grammar

I'm very bad at pointing out grammatical errors, especially since this story uses present tense, which is my weakness. To me, it's readable and easy to digest. There are a few typos here and there, but nothing a good edit can fix.

Character

Our MC, Auron, is a regular joe who actually struggles and doesn't get everything handed to him. Making this even more apparent is his sidekick with a wise yet charming personality. The two make a fantastic duo, playing off each other and keeping the story bright even through the darkest of moments, which I really like. Also, there's the occasional real world references our MC likes to make, and I can't help but giggle or fangirl when reading some of these parts, so bonus stars from me.

To Conclude

This is a very strong and engaging entry for isekai litRPG. Does it do anything super groundbreaking? Maybe not, but it does nail down all the checkboxes for a promising story. High stakes, great characters, and a world with tons and tons of things to explore. Give it a shot!

Wilberforce
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This isn't just you-fall-asleep-and-then-wake-up-in-another-world isekai, the author takes his time to give a detailed account of how it happened and I appreciate it. It clearly shows there's a story there and that everything is being thought out well.

The world is clear and at the same time it gives a room for questions, questions that will force you to read more. Up to now the story is mostly about survival, but that's very okay. In fact, I find out that mc-fighting-for-survival plot is a lot more popular across most genres. Character interactions between Auron and Zander is also handled well. There's still room for development but we have the rest of the story for that.

I find it hard that this is a first time attempt, but I'm giving this 5/5 not only because it's a first time attempt for the author but because it's good. Thanks for chapters. 

SimpleCode
  • Overall Score

A promising LitRPG

Reviewed at: Class

If you are a fan of LitRPGs, you'll love this one. It's got a very game-like feel to it, with a good character progression and a nice system ( I love that he's a rogue ). The story's layout makes for a light, refreshing read. There's also a bunch of references to popculture and games, and even some humor. In short, there's a bit of everything.

There are some parts I didn't enjoy so much at the beginning (grammar and present tense style, especially) but as I read more I was pleasantly surprised to see the author's writing skills progress with each chapter. It's obvious that C.R.Memahon wrote Tempest Rogue with enthusiasm and dedication. I expect great things in the future.

HashBrown
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Tempest Rogue is a third person Litrpg that follows the adventures of Auron and his familiar Zander (because he's a salamander...nice one). The main scenes are done in the dungeon as the MC Auron adjust into the new world he's in. I like the dynamic between Auron and Zander and also the fight scenes that includes humor. Also, I like the concept of using wind magic. It's rarely used in the stories here in RR (at least in the stories I've read) so seeing someone use it is refreshing. My only issue is the shifting of tenses in the grammar and some execution of Litrpg moments. But the author included the use of tables in the later chapters so I recommend to edit the previous ones too. Tables make the style of a lot more better. Over all, it's an interesting read that will make you wanting for more if you're on this type of genre.

NeZotheCat
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Good story with game element.

Reviewed at: Blood magic
Spoiler: Spoiler

 If you like reading Arifureta, Moonlight sculptor, and even Ark, this novel is truly for you.

What I like from this novel is how fast it develops its game element from other rpg stories.

Another thing, the author has this skill to drag you into his story with his well-written descriptions or how he describe scenarios which I say is pretty hooking.

The dialogues  especially the two (I won't say who) in this kinda dark theme was quite refreshing especially for a person who likes some witty bickering.

Overall, I recommend these to fellow readers who especially wish to read a novel that has an rpg element on it.