Reborn as a Fantasy World Dungeon

by ramouton

Original ONGOING Action Adventure Fantasy Sci-fi Dungeon High Fantasy Low Fantasy Magic Male Lead Multiple Lead Characters Non-Human lead Portal Fantasy / Isekai Reincarnation Slice of Life Strategy Strong Lead Supernatural

The title is a working title only, at some point, hopefully by chapter twenty, I will decide on a more fitting one.

Title poll is scheduled for 2020-08-09 with the release of Chapter 13.

My tentative release schedule here on royalroad, is Sunday's at 1PM MST

Chapters 1-3 1st pass edit 2020-07-23 8PM MST.
(The First Paragraph, (edited 2020-07-23)): 

My name is James Erikson. I am a 22 year old, Physics, Electrical Engineering double major at Stanford in my senior year. It had been a long day prepping for semester finals, I needed a good hot shower. I was on the way back to my dorm from the Green Library having returned some books on Quantum Mechanics, the Interaction of the Strong and Weak Nuclear forces under the influence of Strong Gravitational fields, and a book on the history of modern electronics. It was about 8:45 PM on Monday, November 15th, 2021, and I was getting ready to cross Campus Drive near the Student Services center, when unexpectedly, Lisa, my younger brothers girlfriend called out to me. I turned towards her, twisting my ankle in the process, and started to fall. I am looking at her face, I can see her eyes widening in shock in the street-lamps glow. I can see her start to scream the word “NO” when I am suddenly plunged into utmost blackness. 

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ramouton

ramouton

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AN INTRIGUING NOVEL

Reviewed at: Chapter 4

The Style.

So far, the author is using the first person central narration. And he is able to show us the feelings, thoughts and perspectives of the MC (author). Taking us inside the head of the author. Well executed.

The Story.

Right from the synopsis, the story is gripping. The moment readers start reading it, difficult to put down as the story continue to develop at a steady pace. Excellent.

The grammar.

The grammar is excellent.

The character.

The characters are incredibly defined and well fitted to their roles. The MC in particular.

A great read. 

Mark Johnson
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I'm not really one to leave reviews unless something is really good, and this looks very promising. In just six chapters the author has managed to grab my attention. Interesting and varied characters along with different points of view and tidbits about the world around/related to the dungeon leaves me excited for more.

I only have two issues with the story right now. The character development the MC goes through in the very beginning and some very minor punctuation mistakes I have noticed.

Dick Benetton
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I have a love-hate relationship with dungeon/core isekai stories. The vast majority are really just progression minus actual character development. What makes Reborn as a Fantasy World Dungeon different however, is the thought and scale put into it.

Style

Shifting first-person perspectives help build an overarching tension to the plot. We go from MC and his scientific approach to expanding the dungeon, to various other fantasy races scattered throughout the world and their response to the dungeon. What I truly like about this approach is that in just the 2nd chapter, we have a good idea of the scale of this fantasy world, and it already sets my expectation on the eventual conflicts, maybe even politics, of the various races in reaction to the MC.

Story

I know it's just 4 chapters in, but there's already a storm brewing in the horizon. The current arc of the MC plays with progression, while the arc of the elf has the adventure. It's a unique formula and it makes me feel not just for the dungeon but also the inhabitants of the world, and the eventual conflict that would occur.

Grammar

There is a bit of missing apostrophes, verb agreement issues and the like, but it's so minor that I only noticed them on a re-read.

Character

In case you haven't read the description, the MC, James, is an engineering student at Stanford. The way the author tackles James' expansion of the dungeon clearly reflects this. The convenience of magic takes back stage while the refreshing approach of science in a fantasy world plays a key part in the MC's expansion. The other races also feel true and grounded to their fantasy nature. If there's something that I feel can be improved, it's that currently, MC doesn't seem to have a strong/clear motivation.

To Conclude

If you like reincarnated MCs actually using their knowledge/skills in a fantasy world—this is your wet dream. It's still a bit early, but with how the author has set the backdrop of this fantasy world, I believe this has the potential to be a fantasy action/adventure of a truly epic scale

Bastets Chosen
  • Overall Score

The setup for the story seemed pretty standard, but the reviews looked intriguing.  Things went downhill from there.

The grammar and formatting make this story difficult to read.  The author uses very long paragraphs and, worse, doesn’t start a new paragraph when a new person is speaking.  It makes merely reading the text difficult.  

Additionally, the writing style also presents a barrier to getting immersed in the story.  For instance, much of the first chapter is devoted to minutiae of how a dungeon absorbs material. 

todd
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Slow to start, but picks up when the engineering hits

Reviewed at: Chapter 11

So far, most of my favorite dungeon core stories have been the ones that make use of physics in addition to the magic that they've found themselves surrounded in. The beginning of this story kicks off a bit dry, with multiple viewpoints that set up the world and presumably the upcoming antagonists. However, as the MC starts to dig into his custom-designed computational systems, I found myself more and more enamored with the build-up from base components to fully functional systems. It's worth noting that there's no strong desire to create a dungeon that lures people into their death, but rather, the dungeon itself is more of a side project that he keeps up because he's not sure how else to interact with the world as of yet. Unlike most, there is an actual language barrier, so for now all he can do is expand his puzzles and work on putting together a computer bank that will manage his little empire.

As far as the writing goes, it's competent, if a bit dull for the first couple chapters. As the story progresses, the characters start to feel more alive and their perspectives begin to differ in tone of thought as well. The unnecessarily large words drop in quantity early on too, so I think it's more a matter of the author hitting their stride, as the writing becomes much more fluid the further you read. The world building isn't complete, and while it starts off with extra information being packed into the story, it moves into more natural expansion of the reader's understanding by observing through perspectives, which I hope continues to be the case.

Overall, while the beginning feels a bit stilted, the longer you read the smoother everything becomes. It does get rather technical with the engineering, but I feel like that adds rather than detracts from the story. Otherwise, it would come off as extremely handwavey without detailing how he's building hardcoded systems. In short, this makes for another promising entrant in the technical litrpg sphere, and fortunately, one that seems to have enough knowledge or research behind it to deliver on its promise.

McKing
  • Overall Score

Rough (Dungeon) Gem

Reviewed at: Chapter 4

You can feel the author's passion as you read it. This is that kind of Dungeon Core story that focus on hard physics and that one can enjoy even not understanding half of it. The author's weaving an interesting tale and, although it's early, I think it will work pretty well. If you like the genre, you'll enjoy this one, no doubt.

The major con of this story is the lacking style. The grammar is excellent, but the sentences and commas need to be looked at with some attention, some love. I hope ramouton improves it, so it can become a kick-ass story.

Like in the story, this gem is in need of some refining.

Storyhunter
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A good twist on the dungeon story that shows promise

Reviewed at: Chapter 10

Start with the memories of the elements and how to use them in our science based setting add it to a dungeon core and have electric power generation not interface directly with magic power and you have a interesting concept

add in no current mobs and we have not seen a whole lot of character to character interaction from the core just yet ( as in almost non). ( thus the lower character score but the secondary characters are coming along quite well) 

He is an enigma, A possible revolution. A small rock with a personality like that science nurd who had to know a bit of every hard science ("FOR SCIENCE"). Stuck in a world that has no real idea what to make of him. 

Night Creeper
  • Overall Score

As good as it gets, only thing would be more chapters but I'd rather get higher quality over more quantity.

Mister Bill
  • Overall Score

Pretty decent so far

Reviewed at: Chapter 5

Absolutely give this a try and persevere past the first chapter or so. The writing gets a lot better and more interesting after that. 

Definitely not a typical dungeon core (slightly similar to Dungeon Robotics at this point) and pretty good. 

wedrftgy
  • Overall Score

A lot like Dr Stone in some ways

Reviewed at: Chapter 6

Both books contained massive leaps in logic and have things 'just work'. The author just had to create an op protagonist who 'just knows everything' because why wouldn't you know how to create wierd crystals (which the author never gave a proper explantion to) or literally an entire computer chip. Keep in mind, both of these are treated as knowledge that the mc just casually knew.

 

The are also multiple units used, some of which I had to look up. Or worse, are completely made up and aren't explained. How much is a candle mark? Is it half an hour? Two? A 24th of a day? Are days even the same length??? There is 0 meaning in giving me a reference of time that isn't scaled.

 

Not sure why but the writing is painful to read. Think it's becasue the writing lacks anything beyond surface level but I can't be exacly sure.

 

My reccomendation on how to improve is to learn how to handle critisism (eg not blocking everyone with a negative review and pretending everyone who doesn't like your story is a troll).