Of Frost and Steel
- Sexual Content
After being kicked out of home by her own parents, Emily found herself living in the house of an old woman while working as a plumber to help pay the bills.
Her slightly unusual but still very normal life came to an abrupt end one day when an incoming car crashed into hers.
When she next opened her eyes, she found no ambulance or hospital room waiting for her. What she found were instead the faces of beings much larger than her who were not entirely human, and the opportunity to live a new life, free of her old one.
This fiction is dedicated to a friend of mine who spent twelve years of her life hiding who she was because she feared the reaction of her family. For this reason it contains LGBT themes, although they won't be the sole or main focus of the story. The story contains sexual themes, but I will try to keep them to a minimum or make them "fade to black".
Chapters will be around 1000 words long and without a fixed release schedule, for the moment.
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I want to start off by saying that moonman1999's review is fantastic and many of the issues I have were covered in their review. I think their rating is a bit harsh, but their critiques and advice are spot on.
Work on your style. It worked really well for the first few chapters, establishing that her youth wasn't really the focus and that it's just there to build a foundation.
The problem arises when that same, monotone, 'time passes' kind of tone continues into the rest of the story. Like the gladiator fight-challenge thing with waves. Each challenge was merely a paragraph, saying what she fought and that she killed it. There's no tension, no dramatic moments. Just here's what happened.
I guess my advice is to drag it out. Use more senses like moonman said. Tell us about how the scorpion's shell cracked under her axe, leaking a murky brown fluid. Tell us how the sheets rustle when she gets out of bed. It's these little things that bring a story to life.
Grammar's fine, some missing commas, typos, unnecessary words, but nothing series or even flow-breaking. Again, experimenting with vocabulary will help, along with varied sentence structure. Have short sentences. Throw in long ones that go on and on, with details and florishes tossed throughout. Not excessively long, though.
You're a good writer, you just need to keep pushing your boundaries. I've noticed small improvements in later chapters already, with scenes that show more emotion and feeling. Keep it up, use more (and varied) descriptions, and you're got a decent webnovel on your hands.
Wonderful character in an interesting world.
Only lack is perhaps a little more texture to the environment.
I tried to explain this to a DM I had, I approached a door to check as a rogue.
I said what sort of door is it, he said a normal door.
I kept asking questions, it was a solid stone slab at least eight inches thick with no hinges, door knobs, locks and barely a gap at any edge.
I might still have some issues, but the story could handle some more detail of the surroundings.
It's always hard for me to begin a review because of the sheer magnitude of ideas that swirl around my head when I read. I feel an intense bout of nausea since I always want to make sure that the author in question can digest how I feel about their work. Sometimes they take in what I say; other times, they ignore me as being nothing more than a hater. However, I'll try to sum up my emotions on the categories the advanced review lays out.
The first thing I want to establish is that most of the fictions on this website are a 3/5 at best. A majority of the work is made by amateurs trying to make a fully realized story on week by week basis without a foundation of understanding of where their work will go or be about. This isn't a bad thing. Many writers learn how to better their craft as they engage this route. But due to the ways that the rating system incentivizes 5/5 ratings for the work to be seen, there is a lot of dishonesty about the value of the piece in question.
A 5-star rating is a masterpiece, something that has affected you on an emotional level and wows you. I hate that a work of fiction on this website can't get popularity from the piece itself. How else does a writer improve if they don't understand that what they are putting out is subpar? Of Frost And Steal does not deserve a high rating, and this is why.
This story's style consists of a bland description of the world with a lack of anything interesting in directing how a viewer takes in the story. All of the story is delivered at the same bland, one-note reception throughout the entirety of the work. I have not read a paragraph or even a sentence that stands out to me in terms of how it delivers information to the reader.
Have fun with your writing and add some artfulness to the way you write and construct a scene. Paint me a picture with all five of your senses that allows me as the reader to feel immersed in your story. I want to be in your world, exploring the hardships that your protagonist endures and experience the events of this narrative firsthand. Your writing style is very passive in the way it allows the reader to relate to your work. I dare you to immerse me in your writing and take risks with it.
I have the same issue with your story as I do with your writing style, it's boring. It's incredibly disappointing that so little is done to introduce the reader to Anya. We barely get to know her or her struggles before she dies in the opening. Anya has a brief interaction with an old lady, and they were both seemingly transphobic? I'm not even sure if that was what you intended to do due to the way that He pronouns were used for Michelle. I'm confused about who Anya was as a human, her history and the way this will impact her in the future.
Why was she able to leave her old life behind so quickly? Why is she suddenly okay with watching a bunch of "weak" kids be butchered for something they can't control? Why can she remain so calm in an environment that would inspire any average person to have a panic attack?
These are the sorts of questions your story has left with me. It's one thing after another, and they all build-up to destroy my suspension of disbelief. I don't understand what the overall theme of your work is or why Anya's unique perspective isn't being explored in full. This is your opportunity to develop and make Anya the standout character that she should be, but you aren't doing it. Not only that, but every issue Anya has as a character is doubled for your side characters.
They are relegated as text blurbs throughout the majority of the story. Each side character you introduce us to have no nuance because the reader doesn't get to know them as people or see how they impact Anya's story thematically.
What story are you trying to tell with Anya? I understand that you dedicate this narrative to a friend of yours in real life. But if I was your friend and this is what you come out with, I would be disappointed. You need to run your story over with a fine-toothed comb. It needs cohesion to give purpose and meaning to the things you are writing about.
These are two stories that I feel excel in every category within the constraints of Royalroad, and one of them is a royal road story! Check these out if you want an example of what I am talking about and why I wrote the story/character portion so closely together.
It's okay. There is nothing that stood out in terms of excellence or disappointment when it came to grammar. It's good
I didn't go into too much detail on the ways that your story disappointed me or in the ways you can fix it. The reason I left a bunch of questions and pointed out a few concerns while giving you a link to other fictions is so you can develop your method of tackling these problems. Every writer is different, and so are their styles because this is primarily an art form. There needs to be diversity to the stuff that comes as well as a multitude of ways that people approach things. That is what makes reading stories interesting in the end.
I hope you found my review to be insightful or open up different ways to think about your story! My tone wasn't meant to be harsh and was hopefully more geared to be direct and honest. One thing I want to say is that if anyone says that you have to tone down the gay, feel free to ignore them and call them out on their homophobic bullshit. Your MC is an amazon lesbian with a giant axe. That's as gay as it gets, and you should embrace it. Anyone that says otherwise is just homophobic shit-stains that don't deserve a keyboard and mouse.
But it's not necessary to beat us over the head with it. I understand and wholeheartedly respect the message you're trying to convey, but it feels a little shoved. The story is great so far, and the writing is excellent, but the LGBT element could be weaved a little better so as not be so blinded by it that it overshadows everything else. Keep up the great work!
I'm enjoying the story so far, and I cant wait to see where it goes. I know the mc is in a fantasy world, and I'm wondering what kind of world it is. How her tribe interacts with other people. If there are other people in this world. How advanced the others are in comparison to their tribe. Also if anyone in the group will figure out that she is reincarnated.
It's an alright fantasy story. Some parts are a bit quick while others a bit slow. Skips details, like forgetting to mention the MC can use ice magic until in the middle of the fight she uses it and freezes her axe. The fights aren't very detailed, like the use of magic, but still good.
its an alright read for passing time
One of my biggest issues with the "reborn in another world" trope is how authors handle the infant years and often have too young children start acting like adults, sometimes going as far as introducing a love interest for a not-of-age MC. In this story it is handled really well by making it part of every day life in the tribe the MC ist born in.
The writing is good, except some usual hickups caused by fast writing.
I am looking forward to reading more.
Fun little story though it sadly doesn't have many chapters. The grammar isn't the best but it's definately better than tons of stories on this site. The pacing is a bit quick but it is still a nice little story.
Of frost and steel is an excellent surprise. A girl is reincarnated as a non-human race in a fantasy universe after a car accident, and adapt to this new environment.
The universe is very good, and full of surprises. The story is good, and i like where it is going.
On the bad points, the characters are too simple, and miss depth. The MC does not worry about her previous life, and is not curious about magic, and aside from writing, does not try to improve the condition of her tribe (this last two points may be ignored, as it is only my opinion).
A more emotionnal transition from a world to another would be beneficial to the character depth, and may be a more accute use of culture shock (where are the toilets in the wild for a modern girl).
This is a very good story, and has the potential to be a Hit.
Well written and interesting, I like it but it does as many serial series some times do the flow is not as well thought out and can feel a bit jumpy. However the characters are likeable and the world building is very textured and thoughtful so I'm all in.