Godfather of magical technology with a pinch of extortion

by nymax

Original ONGOING Action Adventure Mystery Psychological Anti-Hero Lead High Fantasy Magic Male Lead Reincarnation Secret Identity
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Profanity

Osric Thale got planted into a new magical word. Literally, face down.

What will he do? What will happen when a person with above-average intelligence comes into a world with magic? 

In the magical world of Artesis, mages are big bosses, while warriors are no more than glorified doormen. Osric is an experiment happy person in a world where his unique personality might suit it better than earth

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Hello dear readers, I have been always fascinated about novels like warlock of the magus world,  end of the magical era(though this one has a ridiculous amount of filler), a wizards secret and similar novels, so began writing this one.

Forewarning: English is my third language, thus grammatic is not the best.

I also welcome constructive critiques. And if you find any errors, before you get eye cancer you can comment about it and I will correct.

i have begun to rewrite the first chapters. The first three are already up. In the following week I will rewrite the rest. Later I will post a chapter with the changes.

Chapter length is between 2k to 2.5k words. 5/week 

[participant in the Royal Road Writathon challenge]

(Note, I do not own the rights to the image used as a cover.)

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nymax

nymax

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Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
Call me Osric. Re-writen V1 ago
Chapter 2: The Family Re-writen V1 ago
Chapter 3: The 'Organ' or 'Organs'? Re-writen V1 ago
Chapter 4: Soul and the Black Order Re-writen V1 ago
Chapter 5; A soul lizard Re-writen V1 ago
Chapter 6: The school or the end of it Re-writen V1 ago
Chapter 7: The evil art of soul strengthening Re-writen V1 ago
Chapter 8: another infodump woho Re-writen V1 ago
Chapter 9; Full body slime suit. Soul edition Re-writen V1 ago
Chapter 10: Whoho, i am officially an apprentice Re-writen V1 ago
Chapter 11: Towerstuff Re-writen V1 ago
Chapter 12: The first conflict Re-writen V1 ago
Chapter 13: magic scrolls Re-writen V1 ago
Chapter 14: Spell of enslavement Re-writen V1 ago
Chapter 15: The first (un)willing follower, an ambush ago
Chapter 16: new spells ago
Chapter 17: progress and the foundation of being a Godfather ago
Chapter 18: preparation ago
Chapter 19: Black mantis and friends ago
Chapter 20: New underlings ago
Chapter 21: a dangerous and explosive encounter(s) ago
Chapter 22: Breakthrough ago
Chapter 23: The mysterious amulet ago
Chapter 24: new free spells and a new laboratory ago
Chapter 25: Experiments and exidantel results ago
Chapter 26: A suprise from Nelton ago
Chapter 27: ago
Chapter 28: berserk potion ago
Chapter 29: the expedition ago
Chapter 30 ago
Chapter 31: Isaac and Allistar ago
Chapter 32: The assault ago
Chapter 33: The aftermath ago
Chapter 34: the beginning of the journey ago
Chapter 35: Nelton ago
Chapter 36: Enemy attack ago
Chapter 37: breakthrough ago
Chapter 38: arrival ago
Chapter 39: ruins, the begining ago
Chapter 40 ago
Chapter 41: THE LOOTZ ago
Chapter 42: The escape ago
Chapter 43: The deal with Nelton, Soul stone acquired ago
Chapter 44: Interlude, The attack on the organization ago
Chapter 45: The ritual preperation ago
Chapter 46: The ritual ago
Chapter 47: The grand escape ago
Chapter 48: Compensation and new spells ago
Chapter 49: new spells and the new lab ago
Chapter 50: Making the launcher P1 ago
Chapter 51: Making the launcher P2 ago
Chapter 52: time skip ago

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EmpireofTrust
  • Overall Score

What it says on the box, lacks a little on texture or colour, this might be a reflection on the MC being dedicated to improvement.

  Supposed to be a foodie but no descriptions of that at all either.

  I like the haphazard way he is building his powerbase, should explode in his face shortly.

zimakovs
  • Overall Score

Feels as if the grammar isnt checked properly, only the bear minimum to see if individual words are spelled correctly.

Also, :"Afterwards, for approximately 2 hours, I look all around my body for anything strange and/or out of place. What I wanted wasn’t found but at least my manhood is big enough." . YOURE 12 FFS

todd
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A fascinating story plagued with issues

Reviewed at: Chapter 38: arrival

This is hard to review, in part because some of the issues stand so prominently at the front. That said, there is an enjoyable, villainous core. The premise being that the protagonist, Osric Thale, has his soul summoned from 25th century Earth into the body of an unfortunate 12-13 year old child by the same name that was meddling with soul magic. Osric manages to scrape by undetected, train his soul magic, and apply to the mages' tower to learn proper magic. From there, he uses thoroughly unethical soul spells to take over the local gangs and grow in power. And it is an enjoyable story, for all its faults, which is no small feat to pull off an intriguing tale in your third language. That said, I am going to go through the most significant issues that I saw in hopes that the author can take this from a flawed story to something that's genuinely solid.

The first and most obvious issue is grammar and spelling. There isn't much to say, the author's grasp of English and vocabulary is impressive for it being a third language, but even so, having an editor that speaks native or fluent English to clean up the basic issues would do wonders for the readability. Without that, it's a matter of waiting for the author's grasp of the language to improve.

Other than the writing, there are a few problems with the story as it is. Notably, explanations of important aspects of the story can be lacking or contradictory. Arcane magic is stated to be Osric's affinity, which can be converted into any mana type, but he never uses it for any of the spells that he scribes on his soul other than arcane bolt. While soul scribing supposedly helps with spell scroll production (not that it's explicitly addressed), given that one can only hold a limited number of spells on their soul, it's strange that he would willingly waste his future potential carving a number of spells that he can't use in order to help him with his entry work. The mage tower is also strange in that outside of the library, there is no teaching or apprenticeships on top of a shockingly bloodthirsty environment. Osric primarily meditates in his room, scribes scrolls, and takes over gangs. It's not that I didn't find it interesting, but there's little to no investment into developing apprentices, despite mages seeming to be a powerful resource.

The gang aspect is also underutilized, with it being unclear what exactly Osric is gaining or intends to gain from his control of them. Scenes also get confusing with Black Mantis being the leader of the gang, but without names, they're all referred to as black mantis henchmen or ringleaders and the grammar issues complicate knowing whether you're seeing the leader or just members of the group. Tagging relevant characters with names would help keep track of the nameless individuals quite a bit. Especially once the white gang and black gang are thrown into the mix (as well as slightly better names). Additionally, noting that the gangs and restaurants are producing money or exerting influence would make their aspect of the story more relevant to Osric achieving his future goals rather than just playing around with enslaving people.

Lastly, there is a lot of space to fill out with details. Outside of Isaac's initial contact with Illdrick, there isn't any additional perspective from his petty grudge, despite several of his followers dying while attempting to capture and extort Osric. Nobody other than Nelton notices a fully-fledged gang war with dozens of casualties, or the subsequent silence once they take over the west end. No one is the slightest bit upset at numerous apprentice deaths, despite some of them being rich and presumably having factions behind them. I'm not saying that this story needs to become a political thriller, but actions have consequences and we should see some of the ripples from Osric's actions. Right now the story is extremely straightforward in that, once a situation is off-screen, it ceases to affect the world. As it stands, Osric is the only one that changes the story world and it only happens while he's watching. This is more of a general note to consider than a specific critique, but it adds a lot of depth to a story when unrelated aspects of a character's life affect one another in organic ways. Missions being added to join Night Watch patrols due to gang violence, mages requesting blueprints or finished products of grenades to see if they're worth manufacturing for resale, Isaac's group being harassed by his enemies while distracted fishing for Osric. Things like that string together the whole of the story.

Overall, this story has a lot of potential to be a fantastic read, and the fact that it's as enjoyable as it is already is a testament to the core of the author's writing. This wound up being a great deal longer than I had intended to make it, but I hope that it's taken in the constructive spirit that it's intended in. Should this story be polished to perfection, it would be easy to recommend to everyone. As it currently is, it's a bit difficult to read through the writing errors.

christos200
  • Overall Score
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(Disclaimer: This review was written as part of a review swap)

Overall Score: A rather enjoyable story with slow but interesting worldbuilding.

Story and Style:

The story begins somewhat slow, as it more concerned with worldbuilding rather than immediate action. Slow doesn't mean bad, however, and the pace isn't to the detriment of the story. Rather, the slow worldbuilding allows the reader to learn more about the strange, new world the protagonist is in, such as with regards to their educational system, family lifestyle and how magic is utilized.

Character:

The MC is hard to sympathize with, but that is to be expected as he is an anti-hero. He is smart and sensible enough to hide his true identity. He is driven to become a powerful mage. He is also not annoying. As such, while the MC does come off as evil, he does not come off as irritating or badly written.

My favorite characters so far (up to chapter 9), have been his parents and his brother. I was especially fond of his father, who was written as rather sympathetic and supportive indivindual (though the MC doesn't like him).

Grammar:

The most glaring flow of the story is the grammar. While by no means unreadable, the text could use some editing. In later chapters, the grammar does get much better though and hopefully this improvement will continue. 

 

Ungrave
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Good story that could use a grammar checker

Reviewed at: Anouncement

I really quite like this sort of story, and this is a good implementation. I like where it's going, and the focus that the story has on the mechanics of its magic system, and not too much on character interaction. 

One thing that currently bothers me is the grammar. It's understandable if you skim past some of it and let your brain fill in the fragments, but it's still unpolished nonetheless. I can laugh off some word mixups, such as "I escaped my tailors" and "soup manipulation", but I have a hard time with the quotation marks. I can't figure out why the first one is always at the bottom of the letters, and it just makes things hard to read; especially when combined with commas since they look the same. 

Overall though, I enjoyed reading it. I hope you continue, and take some time one of these days to make it a little easier on the eyes. 

Lord Zarama
  • Overall Score

I like this fiction because it got a good magical world and a good main character that focuses on the development of his magical power. He doesn't have a goal like going back to his original world and acts rationally most of the time. The downside is that the grammar isn't too good but from my point of view it isn't that much of a problem. As a none native in English, I might have overlooked most of the grammar errors. 

Sky3Fall
  • Overall Score

I'm on chapter 2, so no plot critiques yet

Reviewed at: Anouncement

Just wanted to say that the quotation marks being at the bottom and the punctuation issues give me eye ligma. I'll read and think, 'wtf', and then go back and realize that there was supposed to be a comma there, or the words were supposed to be capitalized. 

parkertallan
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A very imaginative story with an interesting main character and well developed world. Osric is clearly out for himself and cleverly takes advantage of every opportunity to improve his standing. Is he evil? You'll just have to read the story and decide for yourself. Unfortunately, the other characters in the story don't really stand out. 

The magic system in the story is one I'm not familiar with so I found its mechanics a little confusing. However, it is applied consistently and the MC's exploration of it is handled well.

It terms of style, the writing is a little choppy and there are grammar issues. As Engish isn't the author's native language, this is understandable. Overall, I was able to follow the story without any problems and the issues didn't detract from my enjoyment of it.

Rc123
  • Overall Score

this is a good book but. grammar can use some work other than that but nothing really

Havoc1021
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So to start, the story is building up at a good pace and the world building is well done. Magic seems interesting and I like the MC's particular skills and how he is learning to work with them. It starts a little on the slow end of the spectrum but not excessively slow, feels more like the author establishing a foundation. 

The MC is definitely not a "good" person, but he is smart and thinks things through well enough that I am still rooting for him and invested in his journey. He feels like a good anti-heroic lead should, where he occupies a moral gray area but he's interesting enough you overlook his less than ideal traits. 

The biggest flaw, as others have mentioned, is the grammar which could definitely use a good edit. Not the worst I've seen but definitely could be cleaned up, which would help patch the weakest point in the story. 

Overall, I liked it a lot and I can see it going from good to great if the grammar is cleaned up. Definitely an enjoyable story I will be following along with as it goes.