The fall of the multiverse has reshaped reality under the hands of the primordial guardian Sophia. Join Chris Ddraig the prince of the re-emerging nation of Avalon that now finds itself in the middle of a war between its new neighbors that threatens to spill over into his kingdom as he works with his companions to stop the possible total war and the dark forces that are pulling it's strings.
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(Full disclosure, this was completed as a part of a review swap)
Descriptions are … interesting. The author gives full descriptions of what most characters we encounter look like, but there are a few descriptions that seem strange.
For example, “a palette-swapped version” or “something out of a futuristic fantasy shooter game.” These accurately get the point across (I mean, I completely understood what the author meant), but they just feel.. weird.
The author also runs into several cases of telling instead of showing. Though that isn't necessarily a bad thing when you have a lot of info to get through, the abrupt changes from describing a scene to info dumps were jarring and took me out of the story a bit.
While the grammar is definitely readable, it has several errors that distract from the story.
Several instances of punctuation issues (especially around dialogue) and a few tense changes. There were also several instances where the word that was used didn’t match up to what was intended, run-on sentences, and also some punctuation issues.
A couple of tips for punctuation around dialogue.
- Need a comma in cases like this
“Greetings, your majesty" the greetings from the knights… -> “Greetings, your majesty,”
- Punctuation goes inside the quotes
“… Morigans training". -> “… Morigans training.”
“… but we have made a breakthrough". -> but we have made a breakthrough.”
- Thoughts can be either in quotes or in italics, but I don’t believe they should be in both. Also, there are several spots where you start a quote with an extra space.
" A breach, Something crossed our border and that wasn't the meeting I was summoned for?" -> A breach, Something crossed our border and that wasn't the meeting I was summoned for?
I saved the best two for last though. The story and the world seem to be built out tremendously well. There are large forces at play, and we get to see it through the eyes of a prince of one of those nations (a prince who seems to be stuck in the shadow of his siblings and therefore has a lot of growing to do).
No complaints about the characters. The MC is a bit annoying at some points where he is acting like a teenager, but that's just because... He is one. The characters are well fleshed out and their motivations and actions make sense.
To put it all together, I think this is a good story with good characters. The execution could just use some work.
I'm a sucker for anything involving Avalon, so the story was interesting enough to me. However, this novel has a TON of description. While some readers may enjoy this a lot and like this style of writing, it is admittedly not for me. If you like reading novels where the author shows you every detail, this novel is probably for you.
Because of this attention to detail, the chapters end up being very long. I found this to be a little overwhelming, since I like reading chapters inbetween doing other things, but I recognize that a lot of readers on here like having a lot to read. I feel like if the chapters were cut in half they would be a lot more palatable and strike a good middleground.
The characters each have their own personality, and they show this decently well through their dialogue. You can tell that they've known each other for a while, and have defined relationships.
Apart from the chapter size, my biggest complaint would be the grammar and typing issues. I'd strongly urge getting a proofreader, since there are misplaced and missing punctuations, as well as mispellings. Cleaning it up a bit would go a long way in helping readability.
Overall, pretty decent. The author seems to have a grand story they want to tell, and while not for me in particular, could be an entertaining read for you.
I am not going to mince words, but I'm not going to rant either. I will simply say what needs to be said and offer constructive criticsm and review this fiction as it is. Nothing more, nothing less.
Style: The style is overtly simplistic, with the vocabulary being lacking and very poor. Words tend to repeat in descriptive snippets a lot, particularly the subject of the description, and it becomes very monotonous after the second instance. Speaking of descriptions, they all follow a very odd pattern of "This is thing. Thing is like this...", where the object/place/person is introduced briefly and explicitly and then it's turned on every side. Furthermore, there are some phrases that are...extremely basic, but that's all I can say without spoiling. Not to mention every single thing being told to the reader. There are few, if any instances where there is some thought needing to be put in the narration, some deduction, some sort of comparison or simile, everything is handed to the reader on a silver platter.
Advice: I would advise that the author read. Read, read, read anything and everything you can. Find a style that you find beautiful and study it, digest it, then take it and mould it into something that's yours. Reading will always help enrich your vocabulary, understand imagery and how the balance of a composition works, how description are supposed to be done and what constitutes a proper narration. I also suggest that the author researches a bit of poetry. Whilst not apparently useful, poems carry a lot of vivid figures of speech and artistic images that could only help in your development as a writer.
The pacing is all over the place from the get-go. The composition is dissonant, to the point where none of the three, narration, description and dialogue can coexist peacefully. Info-dumping is very common, wherein the author inserts a concept and proceeds to have the narrator describe it in detail, thereby interrupting the flow of the action. I found myself lost in hundreds of words of explanation that broke down the plot too much for me to be able to understand it without rereading and having to skip over those passages. The dialogue sometimes goes on for too long, with minimal narration sprinkled in-between, making the characters seem very static in their acting and speech. Not only that, but the reactions are sometimes overexplained, wherein once a character speaks, the figurative camera pans across the room to show a plethora of reaction, pausing for too long.
However, a positive is that the events portrayed show a great amount of creativity and thought put into them. The story, apart from the pacing issue mentioned above, has a surprisingly good progression, with interesting events that could really keep a reader seated for long periods of time without complaint. I'd like to see that creativity put to better effect.
Advice: Please refrain from info-dumps. Although this feedback might be more suited to the style part, I advise the author to find more organic ways of explaining their concepts, not necessarily explicitly. Examples include, but aren't limited to: having characters discuss them, mentioning them in passing, create a small scene/paragraph where said concept is used or seen (but not explained). Try to balance the three rhetorical modes so as not to have too much of any or too little. Break long dialogues with narration, scenic movement or action tags, and describe only when the need arises (i.e. for establishing shots, setting the scene, introducing of characters, places, new objects). When the aforementioned scenarios do arise, refrain from static descriptions, they slow the story to a halt.
Grammar: Unfortunately, this story's main issue. This extends to formatting, punctuation, spelling and tense using. The dialogue is more often than not, poorly formatted, missing commas, or proper capitalisation after a(n) (inferred) full stop. Commas are usually missing, making every sentence feel rushed, as well as the descriptions. Sentences are often run-on, with many spanning a paragraph on their own, their clauses jumbled or improperly separated. A couple of words are seldom spelled right, whilst verbal tenses tend to alternate within the same time frame, making for a very confusing narration. Lastly, many times thoughts are marked as dialogue, and words that should probably be the characters' are written as the narrator's, making me have to guess who's speaking.
Advice: Please, use a spellchecker and a free formatting tool like grammarly. I can't say if the writing is rushed or not, but I'd strongly advise to slowly go over every single chapter and sieve through the errors because they are extremely common and they detract a lot from the value of the story. Lastly, please look up dialogue formatting and commas, as those seem to be the most common and most jarring issues.
Characters: The characters are well-developed, I'll give them that. They've all got distinct personalities, indentifying quirks, and it's extremely easy to differentiate between them and their archtypes. I found myself able to use them as a guiding rod throughout this story, as their presence usually dictated the tone of the events to follow, as well as their importance. However, most of them are very briefly introduced, names are being thrown with ease and it's not hard to lose track of who's who, especially at the beginning. Since there isn't much to criticise here, I'll keep the advice brief: space the characters out a little or as soon as you introduce them give them an extra 'oompf' of presentation, it'll help the reader better recognise them and also make the image of the character be easily remembered.
Overall, I can't say I particularly enjoyed this fiction. It might not be my cup of tea, I might be a philistine, seeing all the positive reviews, but I can't go out of my own self. With proper care and dedication, as well as attention to detail, the author might find a way to extract the beauty of the story and the great characters and put them in an environment healthy to their development, but as it is right now, they only plummet.
The story is exactly my cup of tea! I'm instantly hooked by the fantasy world the author had created. It was well written and described.
Its an good story but it could be better with the right structures and writing style. Sometimes, I found the sentence was too long to read in one breath. There were some grammar mistakes and missing commas and dot here and there.
The characters are unique with their own distinctive personality, which make the novel more interesting and happening.
Good job author!
The base of Phantom Ddraig is well thought out. I love the mix of Arthurian legend with sci-fi space battles. There's an epic plot, fleshed-out characters, and an interesting setting. It just needs a lot of editing for those things to shine through.
Style: (3.5 stars) The third person limited POV is handled well. We switch viewpoints to other characters in some chapters, but the switch is obvious and not confusing. However, the overall flow of the story is hampered by run-on sentences, unnecessary details, and information dumps. Some of the descriptions are great and add to the overall feel of the story. But some information about side characters and abilities could be shown rather than told. The passive voice is also used a lot.
My advice is to shorten or break up most sentences. At least have a variety of sentence structures. Try to not start each sentence with the same word. Also, reconsider the use of had, was, being, and have been. These words can indicate the passive voice and add to the wordiness of the sentence.
Story: (4.5 stars) So far I've read up to the end of the first volume, and there is a decent plot and progression to the story. There are clear goals and stakes for the characters. Many of the secondary characters have their own plotlines we get to see play out. The climax to volume one was well set up and exciting to read.
Grammar: (3 stars) Let me start off by saying the writing is readable and even well written in certain parts. But there are a frustrating amount of typos and repeated grammar mistakes. Many mistakes could easily be solved by Grammarly or the Microsoft Word editor. There are a lot of lowercase "I"s to the point where I was second-guessing myself and wondering if there was a significance to it. Almost every sentence is a run-on that could be split into 2 or 3 sentences. I found myself having to reread a lot sentences. I think spending some time with a free online grammar editor could make this story much more readable.
Characters: (5 stars) Each character feels unique and is nicely fleshed out. The dialog between characters helps add to their personality. Despite the multitude of characters, everyone was easy to distinguish and remember.
Overall, I think there is a good story here. It just needs some work to unbury that potential.
The protagonists story was told in a way a bard would tell his teales. Well, minus the singing.
Although there are a lot of characters, which there should rightfully be given the context, each has its own distinct personality. And despite the story's relatively quick pace, it's just fast enough to keep me on the edge. Definitely a fantasy story worth reading.
A classic epic fantasy with deep roots. The world-building in the prologue sets up the scene for the story to unfold and consequent chapters allow the reader to understand the political situation of the nation. Thus when we start the story with the breach of the borders, a high expectation is set.
Grammar is good however needs just a bit of editing, with that the story would truly blosson.
A really fun epic story with a lot of allusions to mythology and old stories, legends, and the like (Thor, Avalon, etc). If you're the kind of person who likes to see mythology names and references you'll be very happy at just about every character name. The scope is epic and brings to mind such mythologies and old legends. The cast is huge and interesting.
There's some consistent punctuation issues with quotes and ending sentences, but you can get used to it if you like the story enough. It is worth a shot trying to do so.
And the book cover is amazing, I always love a great cover.
This is a fun and fresh tale that will keep anyone into fantasy engaged. The writing style doesn't stand out in any way but it's far from bad. The characters are interesting and the story seems like it has it's own two legs to stand on. From what I read the grammar is solid too, so it's an easy read. Check it out if you enjoy unique worlds with a lot of swash buckling action and war.
The story is a fantasy with great elements. The writing style is very interesting. The characters are also quite cool. Grammar is also pretty good. Overall, it's a story that fantasy lovers can read and enjoy.