The Parallel Timeline: Time Loop Rebel

The Parallel Timeline: Time Loop Rebel

by Wilberforce

This story can now be found here:

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/46399/parallel-timeline-time-loop-rebel

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  • Grammar Score
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Wilberforce

Wilberforce

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25 Reviews
350 Comments
Word Count (14)
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Reviews
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AnthraxRipple
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Time-looping System-Based Isekai.

Reviewed at: Chapter 2 : Again?

An unfortunate milk vendor has been teleported to a strange new world filled with magic and an everpresent system. Oh, and he's stuck in a timeloop. There's a lot going on with this story and these disparate systems slam together to create a nitro-fueled journey through a strange new world.

Where it Excels:

Imaginative Setting: The setting here is really fascinating. It has a distinct culture that is hinted through a myriad of small details, but it still manages to feel surreal and alien. This is especially evident in the earlier chapters where a lot of thought is put into incidental descriptions that reveal volumes.

Inventive Everything: I can honestly say that I've never seen this particular genre cocktail before. All of the disparate parts mesh pretty well. The system is nonstandard and is well integrated into the setting. The timeloop allows the audience to explore the mysteries of the system, and the isekai element allows everything to feel as strange to the main character as it does to the audience.

Critiques:

Redundancy: Time loop stories have more pitfalls than traditional narratives. Several scenes throughout the fiction get repeated wholesale. Unless you are trying to specifically emphasize something, such as the beginning of the loop, it is best to avoid redundant phrases. They don't add any new information and often don't need to be emphasized.

Pacing: As much as I love the setting and premise, the story is too fast paced. Important story events are placed back to back to back, with almost no time for transition. The audience barely has a chance to breathe between events. This also hurts the integrity of the setting and premise as important details are glossed over in a handful of paragraphs. The earlier chapters are better about this, creating a natural ebb and flow of events and smaller scaler revelations.

4th Wall Breaks(Minor): Sentences that begin with "In case you were wondering" or "Well, you see" (outside of dialogue or inner monologue) engage directly with the audience and break the 4th wall. It's best to avoid breaking the 4th wall unless you have very specific reasons to. It only happens a handful of times throughout the story, but it is always incredibly jarring.

Personal Opinion:

There's a lot of complexity here. I love the setting and it's impressive to see so many difficult and disparate ideas integrated so well. It's an engaging world; I just wish the story would slow down enough to appreciate it.

 

TheWitchOfTheRock
Overall

Starts to pick up around chapter 3. Give it a chance until then.

Reviewed at: Chapter 3 : Time Prison

This story starts off slow, but it's got  some good worldbuilding, and it's easy to read.  I'm curious  to get more details of the world we're in. 

 

My biggest critique is that the author tells too much. Not necessarily description, but potentially telling us things that we would have known, and  affect the flow when put into words. 

 

Still! Good story! Give it a chance, and enjoy the world. I look forward to more details about this strange multiverse. 

parkertallan
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

This author clearly has a knack for taking your standard person transported to a new world story and turning it on its head. The MC Gaus is not only likable, but has a good head on his shoulders. His character hadn't been fully fleshed out yet, but we learn enough about him to see his frustration and confusion about the mysterious situation he finds himself in.

And this mysterious situation isn't your usual monster of wizard, but something much more entertaining. I'll not spoil anything, but I guarantee you'll enjoy it.

Although there is much we still don't know about the new world Gaus finds himself in, the small glimpses we've seen so far show great promise.

I must admit the grammar is a little rough in places, but overall the story reads well. In terms of writing style there is much to like. My only quibble would be when the author provides too many details. 

Overall, "Parallel Timeline" is a fun and interesting read. Certainly if you're looking for something a little different, then this story is for you.

Falconking
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

A story to look forward to.

Reviewed at: Chapter 4 : Magiwatch

I think this is my lucky week, because, since I caught up with the Mother of learning, I have been searching for stories with time looping element. But had no luck until this week. In this one week itself, I came across two stories with the Time loop element (this being one of them) and am waiting to see how these two stories are going to progress.

 

  1. Grammar and style: The author has a good grasp of the language ( I don't know whether English is his native language or not) and is error-free to my knowledge. And the writing style is also pretty engaging.
  2.  Story Score: The plot is not yet fully developed and hence it will be premature to say anything. Even so, I felt it is quite promising that is why I gave it a 4.5 rating with a margin of error. (will re-write the review once the plot is developed further)
  3.  Character Score: Not many characters have been introduced yet. But the MC is well presented. The 4.5 rating is because of the same reason why I gave a 4.5 rating to the story score, and not because the story or the character is lacking something. (will re-write the review once the plot is developed further)

 

George_Haufman
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

This is a good story. <George has saved 5 stars>

Reviewed at: Chapter 3 : Time Prison

Style: Honestly, the style seemed very refined to me. It's pretty great! Your sentences flow very smoothly and I really anjoy your variance of sentence length. 

Grammar: No noticable mistakes that I've seen.

Story: him being able to go backwards in time. Sounds like a jojo's stand menacing. All Jojo's references aside, it's a super cool story concept done well. Time loop isekai, sounds cool right?

Character: I love the dialogue that permeates every scene. I can tell you spent a while flushing out the characters image in your mind before writing. Your characters really shine because of this. 

Justin K
Overall

So far, it has a good premise. I wonder what kinds of skills the watch has besides time reversal. I also like how he'll become OP, though I hope the entire story doesn't take place on the same day. Reminds me a little of Re:Zero

Vowron Prime
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Getting transported to another world seems like it'd be traumatic enough. But getting isekai'd into a groundhog's day? And being given time-rewind powers to boot? That would be downright mind-bending! It's still early days yet, but Wilberforce is doing an excellent job of hooking us into their vivid and interesting world. This definitely reads as a mystery as the protagonist Gaus finds out more about his situation and how to deal with it, and thus far it has been an enjoyable one, filled with suspense, tension and action.

Style

The strongest point about the style is the narration of the time loops. Wilberforce does a great job at keeping the tension high during each timeloop, keeping them just long enough to convey the protagonists' thoughts and confusion, but not so long that we get bored. I think this works very well for this type of story.

Story

It's already shaping up to be something interesting, but we don't quite know where it'll go from here. The possibilities are endless, and I have a feeling the author will take this story in a very compelling direction so I can see this turning into a 5 down the line. As it stands, things are shaping up well, but we'll need a few more chapters to really get into the meat of things.

Grammar

There are some grammar and sentence construction issues, but they weren't significant enough to pull me out of the story. Overall I think you will find that the plot will have you not noticing these issues when they arise. Sentences are generally simple and easy to digest, which works well for this style.

Character

So far the protagonist Gaus comes across as a somewhat down-on-his-luck MC, which I actually really enjoyed. The chapter one hook was incredibly compelling for me. That said, right now we've mostly just seen a (predictably) confused MC who is trying his best to figure things out. There have been a few interpersonal interactions, where the dialogue is good, but the characters haven't had a chance to step into their limelight yet. I'm sure that given time, we'll get to know even the minor characters very intimately given the time-loop nature of the story, and I suspect we'll see Gaus go through some very interesting developments as he acclimatizes to his new environment.

So in summary, I feel that this was a unique and compelling take on the timeloop theme. It's got action, mystery, time-rewind superpowers, and a cool alien world. What's not to like?

C.R. Mcmahon
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

I have to preface this review by saying I love the movie groundhog day, and Edge of tomorrow, so I went in with high expectations. These expectations were well met. 

First of all wicked cool name for the MC. The first chapter is vivid, and interesting. The time travel concept is very intriguing. I found my usual struggle with the start of most stories refreshingly absent. There was no overload of new characters, or a cramming of world building. 

The descriptions of the enviorment, and people are fantastic as well. I love how straight forward the time changing is. 

With every rewind I found myself more, and more into this story. 

All of chapter two sucked me in so completely I am having trouble putting notes to it. The third chapter was much of the same. Although long, if you prepare yourself knowing how long the chapters will be they are great. 

I heavily recomend reading this. I am for sure hitting the follow button after posting this review. 

BTI Penner
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

Getting stuck reliving the same day in a 1980s police state isn't my idea of fun, but Wilberforce paints a vividly colorful world to get stuck in. On top of that is the even stranger and exotic Multiverse, the isekai parallel world Gaus, our everyman, finds himself transported to.

The story is written in a clean style that never left me wondering what was going on. I felt drawn along with the plot.

My only quibble: Gaus is supposed to be from the '80s but he talks about euros which is an anachronism. Euros became a currency in 1995. It's far from being a deal-breaker though.

Nameless32
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

A Nice Twist On The "Time Rewind" Trope

Reviewed at: Chapter 5: The Difference Between the Two

While it's still in its youth, this story has definitely set the foundation for something great. The MC is from the 80s which is a definite twist on the usual "modern protag fantasy world"
trope, and I think it's being handled pretty well.

The style is usually good but nothing extraordinary, but there are some points where everything just clicks and it works out really well (like in chapter 3). The author likes using repetition for dramatic effect, which works very well in most circumstances. I commented on the repetition of individual words on the first chapter, but I haven't seen too much of this in the later ones.

It's a bit early to comment about the story, but I really like how all of the plot is left to the hands of the MC. It makes the progression of the story feel earned and you kind of celebrate whenever Gaus gets a new piece of information.

While there are a few little grammar mistakes, they don't detract from the story at all, and most of the other stuff is just stylistic. 

While we haven't met too many characters yet, the ones we have are pretty likeable. I'm sure they'll be fleshed out later, too. The MC especially has had a lot of backstory thrown in in a smooth-ish manner, which is nice.

Overall, if you're into time-loopy stuff like Mother of Learning, maybe check this out! The MC earns everything he gets and the progress feels good, so give it a try!