Reincarnated As An OP Dungeon: Prequel
[This is the first version of the story]
What happens when a 21-year-old college student gets reincarnated as a Dungeon Master?
Jordan was a moderately popular sophomore in college. Known for his intelligence, fitness habits, gaming abilities, and love of isekai, Jordan was seen as a rising talent on campus. Despite this, Jordan gave his life to save his crush from a serial killer! Through a series of events, Jordan found himself reincarnated as the Dungeon Master of an intelligent core! Armed with nothing but his intelligence, Jordan sets out to become the master of an OP Dungeon!
However, with so many unknown variables in this new world, will Jordan be able to overcome the challenge of becoming the world's strongest Dungeon Master?
Follow Jordan, Orai, and the rest of the Dungeon Members as they attempt to build the most OP Dungeon on the continent!
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To start with something, I like the genre and I don't mind isekai tropes. I find it readable and quality grows over time. I'm glad that the author is trying, interacting with the community, and hopefully willing to learn. But honestly, I feel that this story needs a major rewrite of dialogues and beginning chapters. They are repulsive.
The story seems really rushed. Lucky encounters are totally overpowered and bring too much good (and overly strong) stuff. The author can't really correct it anymore without a major purging event, it's progressed too far already. I don't mind a protagonist not struggling with basics, but it's difficult to enjoy the story if you don't see the challenge or some struggling. Things in the dungeon just `happen'. The story lacks the narration and good storytelling to glue the events together. Also, since the events happen so fast, there is no tension of any sort. Some action seems to start around Ch30. We'll see how it goes.
An overall strength of the dungeon progresses too fast to really enjoy what's gained by the MC. Strength levels go with a typical C-B-A-S progression (maybe SS and so on later). I'm around 30 chapters in and we are already heavily into B-A strength levels. I find it to be a waste of progression potential.
There are no descriptions related to dungeon mechanics. It might be personal, but in dungeon-building fanfics I like to see some tinkering, smart upgrading, making choices. It's nice to see what's gained by the dungeon and some deliberation about how to use the stuff. And a map of a dungeon layout would be a nice addition, too.
Chapters are really short (although it's getting better). Characters and dialogues don't have much depth to them. Interactions seem really childish, simplistic, unnatural, unconvincing, forced, and covered in plot armour. Characters are truly flat. Dialogues are written in a strange style where an only narration consists of things like 'I said', 'he asked', 'they shouted'. There are no emotions, no reactions, nothing happens between sentences. It lacks dynamics. It sounds like a strange standoff where actors say their monologues one by one uninterested in one another. And even though there are attempts at making jokes, it feels like newbie actors reciting their lines.
Now that I think about it, dialogues are the main source of my problems with the novel. Please don't mind grammar/style mistakes as I'm neither native nor a writer, but please compare these two:
"If it was a regular A rank Minotaur yes. But this one is...different. He's an artifact holder, lad. He doesn't have to draw power from the axe anymore. The axe draws power from him. In other words, this Minotaur is essentially overpowered", Briggs stated.
"If it was a regular A rank Minotaur, yes, but this one..." dwarf murmured and squinted his eyes " is different." Brigs frowned. ‘Who the hell created this monstrosity?’ he thought, almost ready to admire the newcomer's build. "Look, lad" he said "He's an artifact holder. He doesn't need to focus on drawing power from the axe anymore." he pointed at the minotaur's arm "See the bulges? The axe itself draws power from him. While he might not have much of his remaining life due to this state, in this battle he is a fucking beast." Briggs stated and scowled as he noticed minotaur's expression too much reminding him of a smirk.
I admit that maybe I overdid it a bit and my version doesn't have a great flow. I don't know where the good balance is but I think it visualizes my point. Dialogues without any dynamics kill it for me. I need an author to be a storyteller, to draw the story with words. If there are a few sentences in a row followed just by "he stated", it's just tiring to read and I feel like nothing really happens.
I completely join the other reviewer in a hope that over time "characters and world will be more fleshed out and less man with his perfect anime reacting waifu."
It surelly lacks something enjoyable:
- plot/story & character depth,
- thrilling action,
- interesting battle-related descriptions,
- humour, wit, enjoyable dialogues,
- interesting world mechanics and/or character mechanics (skills, traits, classes),
- something else?
It's up to the author to make his choices. But at the current state this story lacks a selling point.
Tags say: Action Adventure Comedy
Now it feels (mostly due to the mentioned flat dialogues) like there is no action, no adventure, and surely no comedy.
EDIT: Around chapter 30 there is some action starting to brew. Aforementioned dialogues aside, descriptions are getting better.
I'm still giving it 2.5 stars just because while it is a good starting point and it improves (and I really wish the author good luck with further creations) but there is a long way ahead. Hopefuly, a road the author is going to enjoy.
Like to see were this goes.
All the usual japanese isekai/fantasy/anime tropes. Pretty well done, but I can't enjoy it. Personal taste aside, certainly well executed
The author's plot could have premise but overall find the characters hard for me to connect with I expect overtime the characters and world will be more fleshed out and less man with his perfect anime reacting waifu.
Could be an interesting read if you like anime style reactions and interactions
Good work so far. The first chapter seems to be a bit different from the rest of the story. The rest is much more standard dungeoncore and I like it.
Good originality and well written. Not a lot of comedy so far but a good amount of everything else. I'm planning on continuing to read it for a while.