Reborn as a GOD [Re-written]

by Sphynx

Original ONGOING Action Adventure Drama Fantasy High Fantasy Magic Multiple Lead Characters Non-Human lead Reincarnation

A mortal soul turned divine after death---once nothing but a mere human now reborn as a god, follow his journey as he creates his world, meet other Gods all the while learning what it means to be one, as it turns out it isn't all fun and games as he may have hoped it to be...

 

 

 

 

I had uploaded this story here about 2 to 3 years ago, but ended up deleting it. The story now have been edited and hopefully better then the original version, hope you guys enjoy.

  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score
  • Total Views :
  • 9,166
  • Average Views :
  • 270
  • Followers :
  • 42
  • Favorites :
  • 16
  • Ratings :
  • 14
  • Pages :
  • 143
Advertisement
Remove
Go to Table of Contents
Rate it
Fiction breaking rules? Report
Advertisement
Remove
Author
Sphynx

Sphynx

Achievements
Word Smith (VI)
150 Comments
300 Followers
Great Review (IV)
2nd Anniversary
Fledgling Reviewer (I)
Top List #2000
100,000 Views
Advertisement
Remove

Leave a review

Reviews
Sort by:
LittleCreepy
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Hey there,

 

first of all, thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing your thoughts with us. I will take you up on your offer and rate your rewrite.

I was exited to see your book, as it is trying itself at something not often done and even less frequently done well. Sadly, your book falls into the second category.

It isn’t just the way Characters behave like barely human caricatures. How the dialogue feels just so extremely stilted. Or how uninspired the creation Chapters were.

As this book is a rewrite, I expected to at least see the Grammar polished over the moon, or to be at least legible. You disappointed in this as well.

I tell you this, not to demoralize you, but to point out what you need to improve.

I didn´t read past Chapter 7, as I was quite disgusted with the implications of Chapter 6. The Angel is basically a newborn. So, no points from me for that.

 

After tearing you down this much, I feel like I need to help you out.

First, keep in mind what I said earlier, try to think through how others would view what you wrote. Concentrate on your characters. How do they see the world? What misunderstandings do they have? What conflict is brewing? How can you portray them as realistically as possible?

 

Second, plan ahead (if you are not doing so already). Outline your novel. Planning ahead gives you the time to think your story through. Scenes will flow more smoothly and things won’t get lost as you paint your world in our minds.

 

Third, don’t rush over awesome stuff, just to get to other things. Especially if your writing a God-Story. The Universe the God creates, gives us a reverence to their character. Your Universe is uninspired and absolute standard. It could work that way, but you would have to make your characters pic up the slack. Instead of exploding a giant sun and big earth into existence and calling it a day, it would have been far more interesting to see anything to connect us to the MC. Play with the laws of Physics and mold the Biology to your needs. Planets don’t need to be big hunks of rock in space.

 

On a forth note, think about your theme. I guess you already did so and I didn´t read far enough, but what are you trying to convey with your story? Live is hard? Then have the MC learn about it in the most interesting way possible. As it stands, hasn´t he got it in Chapter 7 already? What misguided worldview has he to correct?

 

 

Lastly, read what others did before you. I recommend World keeper. A deeply flawed book, but still quite good.

The breath of creation, sadly on hiatus.

And a healthy dose of Lovecraft or maybe Isaac Arthur, to get a sense of scale. Lovecraft gives us a glimpse through madness upon ancient and unknowable horrors, but keeps the stakes personal, so it doesn´t feel to overwhelming.

Isaac Arthur discusses megaprojects, that Humanity could come around to build, once we get of our bum and into space. Some truly marvelous shit.

 

 

If you say you improved from the first draft, then I wish you all the best. Keep writing, keep practicing. You will do better in time.

Hoping for better – LittleCreepy

NakedFury
  • Overall Score

Not much of a god story at all

Reviewed at: Chapter 7: Unexpected trouble

its too cringy and I cant stand the ridiculous teeenage conversations or the way you handled conversations between many character in this chapter.

 

another problem is the lack of details in the story. We dont know what they are doing while they talk or where they are, etc. 

 The god creation part was rushed and even then felt empty.

the story isnt worth it.