The only places I have posted the story and allow it to exist are on RoyalRoad, Scribblehub, and my Patreon.
So the world ended. Whoopsie? We didn’t even see it coming. Quite literally as it came at us faster than the speed of light. Don’t worry though, it got better. Also, I am not joking about the world ending. Most people say that and mean humans are inconvenienced for some reason. Nope, all matter disintegrated at the atomic scale there for a few moments. Apparently the local universe wasn’t actually stable? Don’t ask me to go into too much detail. It would require both of us to have a few more college degrees than sense, and I at least lack them (both the degrees and the sense). Anyway, the energy/matter/wibbly wobbly strings were at a local minimum and not the universal minimum. Basically, what we took for sea level was actually a nice little mountain lake and when the dam busted so did, well, everything.
Now here is where things go a bit off track with what normal meant before. You see magic is real, qi is real, gods are real. Not on old Earth mind you but souls pay little attention to time and space so we dreamed of it. In fact, the closer the shift in reality got to Earth, the closer our dreams got to the new reality. This is basically me tip toeing around the fact that it was a ‘System Apocalypse’. Reality became a video game, I became a dungeon, and this is my story.
Doyle Huxley just wanted a normal life but as the above might clue you in on that just isn’t in the cards. He gets to experience a “Path Based System Apocalypse” and some early paths he takes, both literally and figuratively, lead to him becoming a dungeon.
The aim is to release chapters once a week on Friday.
Cursing will be avoided and no naughty adult action will take place in the story.
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short chapters make it seem like individual points are being dragged out, so seems slow to start, though it litterally says this is tutorial and things whould get faster.
has potential but author seems afraid to push ahead for fear of leaving anyone behind, though if reader doesnt understand certiant basics they wouldnt be here reading a dungeon novel.
i would love to come back and update my review once the story really takes off but for now limiting to 3 stars because i feel like a longer chapter covering more than a single point would actually shorten the word count.
The beginning of this story is relatively slow but quite manageable as far as I'm concerned, though it might be worth expiditing the part about becoming a dungeon.
As of exiting the tutorial stge of the story and establishing as a dungeon proper I can feel the story building up momentum. The set-up of potential invaders and dungeon town politics right outside of the current dungeon is quite interesting and I can see it leading to some interesting conflict. There have been a few adventurers in already in various compositions and with varying motives and I've already gained interest in some of them as well as being entertained by the throw away characters to a suitable extent.
This novel seems to be turning out to be what I call a restrained murder dungeon. Still a lot of advetnurer killing but only to a completely reasonable degree so far instead of being a murder hobo dungeon. It's also one of the creative design dungeon core stories and it tries to make the design and rpg progression of the dungeon structure and abilities interesting and creative. The slow exposition tutorial stage at the beginning of the story seems to be helping out with this dungeon creativity as well, so it wasn't worthless filler at least.
The main character is a partly bland "blank slate" type protagonist with his interesting quirks being unique rpg traits rather his personality as a character, which so far hasn't been too much of a problem for the main focus of the story: dungeon design and messing with adveturers.
Yes there is a dungeon pixie companion, but she seems to be turning out with an interesting backstory at least, one which isn't told through an extra chapter and boring exposition even. She hopefully will end up as a character with depth in the future.
Finally we have the adventurers (and other assorted human characters outside the dungeon) who are largely side characters, throw away characters, antagonists, and side protagonists for the dungeon to spy on. A lot of them are clearly based on archetypes, but their conflicts and politics are enough to make a good dungeon core novel if things continue as they are. As for the dungeon inhabtants they do not yet have character status and the dungeon seems to be developing at a more reasonable pace rather than ballooing into new floors left and right as other dungeon core novels do. This one is going to be a slower paced one, and let things happen in their own time rather than rushing the plot.
It will probably be a good slice of life read as things are.
Lot's of info, not enough happening. The plot has great potential though.
This has a slow build up. Yeah, that isn't necessarily a bad thing. But it is a really slow build up. If you aren't a particularly patient type I recommend skipping ahead - Chapter 23 is a good point.
This story is pretty much chapter after chapter of infodumps and the MCs talking. Pretty much all of it is flat. Paragraph structure and grammar leaves much to be desired.
Reading it tastes like cardboard. It has great potential. The skeleton is pretty solid, but the meat is kinda bland. It has nothing new to offer to the genre. Make up a gimmick or something. It's like a perfectly made cubic cardboard box, but it's empty and lacking embellishments.
I'll read it, but it needs improvement.
I suggest that you clamp down on the dialogue. As a dungeon core story, your main attraction is the dungeon, not the dialogue; I came to the amusement park to see the sights and ride the rides, not necessarily talking to the personnel.
I have to say that the story is getting more enjoyable post-chapter 10. The grammar is atrocious but tolerable. The paragraph structure certainly needs some tweaks.
The throwaway character parties are a bit too flat. The first party was certainly an enjoyable bunch, and I hope to see them again in story.
Overall, I saw a great improvement.
This feels like a slow burn dungeon core novel, absolute boatload of setup with a deep dive into the mechanics of the world/system, not a lot to get invested in yet but things are starting to get rolling and it is lookin good.
heres hoping the author can manage to contine to the book and not go into the void like so many others, definitely worth keeping an eye on.
I will preface this with a warning of spoilers, I will try to gloss over a lot, but I mean common its hard not to say anything x3.
Many of us do not feel many connections to the people around them, personally I can pick up 'friends' like rocks at a beach, they are cool and unique but I will probably never look at them again once I am done with them. That seems to be similar to the Mc of this novel, an average sort of Joe who just doesn't connect wanting to be left alone working a dead end job in the middle of some town. Nothing about him would ever make it into a history book or even a newspaper if something were to happen.
Then the world ends.
With it comes a system that is complex and advanced, and teachers to help people get their bearinngs, this is where most are going to drop the story, in the tutorial because there are info dumps, not as side notes or as author's notes or something that doesn't fit anywhere but the narrator's voice. no it is in dialogue so you can learn about the character's personality and persective as they ask questions and look about. This has been putting people out but just hang on, adventure, story, and stats are soon to come!
Without going into too much detail, the class system is amazing and unique, with the system encouraging people to level up skills more than their classes, with paths instead of strict classes, these paths being advanced with points you get from skills and levels? don't quote me on the levels bit. its fun and new to me and I can't wait to see where it goes, with unique paths being available to those who make the right choices. as for the rest of the style of this story? no monster is a grimdark horror, nothing will make you have nightmares, there is a cuteness to the creatures and a focus of farming the adventurer's rather than going out to kill them all, the mc knows what's up.
Going into the characters themselves? the story focusses heavily on a small group (about thirty) of people once the main character leaves the tutorial, splitting timie between the dungeon's food and his building and development (lets be honest, no one wants to hear about him skill grinding forever and LOTS is going to go on in those first few weeks, would you want to listen to every change that he might make over a day as people keep coming and going? this isn't going to be your dungeon avatar story, the mc probably has no interest in communicating though he won't just let his food die, adapting to help their needs and make them more reliant, showing his devious and naive natures in turn when he gets excited over a change only for his tower of cards to come crashing down. The adventurers themselves and his dungeon fairy need more individuality and you can slowly see it forming as you learn about their pasts and desires, though it could be done a bit better with some more thought into word choice, overall the characters are enjoyable and I can't wait to see more of the two 'botanists'.
The story itself seems to be somewhat thought out, though I am waiting for more time to pass to see if the ripples of various events coalesce to create grand events or if the author is still creating the story board, either way it is bound to be etertaining, I can already see mentions and hints to early events having great reprecussions on the mc and those around him!
as for grammar, sorry I am not much of an english buff, I like to read and see a few mistakes, missing words here and there, but its no less enjoyable to read
PS not sure how legible this will be, for somme reason theletters are white on my white
This story has great potential and ok grammar. It is still better than half the grammar on this website, and dispite the info-dumpy nature of the story so far, (still in the tutorial after 8 chapters) it just screams great story. If Aurthor can keep up the pace, then this story will stand tall with the best of the fictions on this site. Here's hoping the plot will be as good as the rest of the story.
As has been said, this is an eight chapter long info dump. The fist in your face kind. I've read textbooks that are more exciting ~.~ Probably gets better later on, we'll see.
Writing is good though.
The MC starts as a human goes through the Apocalypse and becomes a dungeon.
Some people have a problem with the speed of the story but that the start is slow to establish the character and show the changes that happen with the race changes.
It is not the usual dungeon gets an avatar and becomes a friend with his dungeon town more dungeon vs players.
Mc has a cute nerdy dungeon fairy and a silly monster combination that is quite funny and entertaining.
Hopes the story keeps improving which it did.