Original HIATUS Drama Fantasy Historical Psychological Low Fantasy Male Lead Non-Human lead Ruling Class Strategy
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity
  • Traumatising content

Unseen by humans, the world has long been controlled by the strings of a shadowy secret society of immortal beings, the Order of Azoth. As the organization fractures and begins to unravel, a daemon is born into the world. He is a harbinger of death and a puppet to his father, the progenitor of all daemons, but he may be the last hope of the Order to quell the spread of corruption and change the path of the future. Just as they may be his only hope to discover his own humanity.

Cover art made for me by https://twitter.com/artnyarn

  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score
  • Total Views :
  • 0
  • Average Views :
  • 0
  • Followers :
  • 30
  • Favorites :
  • 9
  • Ratings :
  • 11
  • Pages :
  • 0
Advertisement
Remove
Go to Table of Contents
Rate it
Fiction breaking rules? Report
Advertisement
Remove
Author
Impavidus

Impavidus

Achievements
5 Comments
Fledgling Reviewer (I)
2,500 Views
Group Leader (III)
Word Count (VII)
Advertisement
Remove
Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date

Leave a review

Reviews
Sort by:
Velara
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Worth Checking Out!

Reviewed at: Chapter XIV

Overview

Birthright is the story of Albtraum, a young demon, as he struggles to find his place in the world wilst opposing forces seek to guide him.

If you’re fond of coming of age stories with a slightly darker tone, than I can heartily recommend you give it a chance. Overall, the story is well written with a compelling narrative and good pacing. The narrative elements provide plenty of barbs to spur Albtraum’s character development, essential in any good coming of age story.

The story is not without its flaws. At times stylistic choices mar my enjoyment of a passage, though some of the more awkward sentence constructions disappear after the first few chapters. Additionally, occasional discrepancies in Albtraum’s knowledge left me puzzled. However, these small issues did not impact the quality of the story as whole

Ultimately, Birthright is an excellent coming of age story that I think fans of fantasy & adventure stories will find compelling. Additionally, I think there is even something for fans of isekai novels, as the protagonist’s blank slate beginning, and fish out of water observation of humans feels similar to an isekai opening. I think the few chapters Albtraum’s tale will capture most reader’s interest.

Overall Score: 4.75/5 (Rounded up to 5)

 

Detailed Review

Style 4.5/5

Let us start with the positives.

The majority of the dialogue is well written and feels like a natural conversation between the characters.

Descriptions of characters, and their surroundings are evocative and rarely drag on longer than necessary.

Action scenes are brief, and tense when appropriate.

On the whole the writing is well done, and I think most readers will enjoy the style of writing. I certainly did.

I do have nitpicks to make however.

There are certain choices made in sentence construction and word choice, especially at the beginning of the story, that I found distracting.

Occasionally there is repeated use of same word several times within a sentence. Something this is great, like when it is used for emphasis:

“I have no body of my own, so I entrust myself to you to carry me. In turn, I hope you will entrust yourself to me…”

In this case it emphasized the mutual natural of their relationship. However, when it is not being used for emphasis it becomes distracting, like in the following examples:

“A young woman garbed in white perused the room slowly, watching the last few workers pace the floors as they completed the last of their work.”

The repetition of ‘last’ is awkward. It sounds much better like this:

“A young woman garbed in white perused the room, watching as the remaining worker completed the last of their work”

Another example, this case is particularly frustrating because its repeating a intensifier ‘still’, which honestly adds nothing to the scene.

“The skies outside were still gray, and light snow was falling. But the light of day was still filtering in through tall windows, and the beauty of the...“

The scene loses absolutely nothing if both instances of the word still are removed. Indeed, I’d argue its much more pleasant to read.

Returning to the first example, the sentence construction is awkward, ‘to carry me’ feels like it falls in the wrong spot, compare it with this:

“I have no body of my own so you must carry me. I shall entrust myself to you, in turn, I hope you will entrust yourself to me... “

In some instances things are described too much through Albtraum’s lens, even in situations where simply sticking with the actions themselves would make for a smoother reading experience. As an example:

“He was huddled under a rocky outcropping as storm clouds rolled in, finding himself too exhausted to sleep.”

The inclusion of “finding himself” was unnecessary

This passage does also illustrate another of my nitpicks,  sometimes was is included, when its inclusion is unnecessary. If we were to remove the unneeded words the passage instead reads like:

“He huddled under a rocky outcropping as storm clouds rolled in, too exhausted to sleep.”

Which I feel is much better.

Another nitpick, sometimes -ing words are used in places were a past tense verb would feel more natural or vis versa. (Obviously opinions on what’s natural will vary by person to person, this is simply this humble reviewers views.)

“——- watched the forests pass by as the group traveled,——— riding at the head of the group and a few guards riding alongside the cart.”

(Names removed out to avoid spoilers.) ——- rode would sound much more natural (same goes for the guards rode).

The  story tends overuse adverbs. Slightly & slowly are the two worst offenders. (I’d encourage the author to use a find function to track them all down and remove any that aren’t essential to the meaning of the scene.)

That’s it for nitpicks. I’d like to take this space to emphasize that these are just that, nits. On the whole the writing of this story is stylistically enjoyable, and the nits are easy enough to overlook and just enjoy the novel.

 

Story: 5/5

The premise of the story is reasonably unique, I’ve seen blank slate demons done before, but the interplay with the voice in his head, and the believability of Albtraum’s childlike nature is a unique combination. A premise that I feel is certainly well executed by the author.

Initially, I was a little concerned we’d be spending a lot of time stuck with our early chapter vagabond, and a slow moving plot but with time skips where appropriate the story gets moving quickly, and the protagonist is given a chance to grow.

At the time of writing, I feel like we have just made our way out of the opening arc, and we’re about to reach the next set of big game changing events. The author has done a good job of building, and then releasing tension over the course of the narrative.

 

Grammar: 5/5

In general the grammar is, to my eye, nearly flawless. I did catch a few mistakes that slipped past the editing process, however nothing that impeded my understanding of the story.

Better yet, I’ve complied a list of the errors I’ve noticed and sent them off to the author so hopefully future readers won’t see even the few mistakes that I found.

 

Character: 4.5/5

The main cast all feel fleshed out and human, with personalities, quirks and flaws.

The interactions between these different personalities is fantastic, which is good because so much of the story is driven by character interactions.

Lucifurius: Is particularly well done in my opinion. The tone and style of his voice remains consistent throughout. The psychology at times seems appropriately alien, as you’d expect of a demon of his stature. His impatience and overly prideful nature are believable, if at times a touch jarring. (I believe the jarring effect is intentional)

Albtraum: Is also excellent, as mentioned earlier I think the author has managed to write a compelling childlike character, and successfully demonstrated him growing and developing over time. However, there were a few inconsistencies with his character in particularly that bothered me.

“His voice carried the slight lilt of a foreign accent, but Albtraum could not place it.”

Albtraum has no memories of a life before the beginning of the story, it feels odd to suggest that he could not place it, which implies there was some expectation of him being able to do so in the first place.

The soapy water stung as it dripped down from his forehead onto the gash across his face – but that was only the beginning of the torment. “Stop,” Albtraum croaked. “Soap. Soap in my eyes.”

Soap is not named prior to this, and given his lack of bathing habits I was slightly incredulous that he knew what it was. I’d have found this much more believable if he had complained of an unknown burning substance in his eyes. And been informed it was soap.

Many of the side characters are also well fleshed out and feel human. To avoid spoilers I’ll refrain from talking about most of them in any detail. Suffice to say I think most readers will be quite satisfied with the level of characterization for side characters.

Two characters stood out to me as having or introducing discrepancies into the story.

The commander: a minor character in chapter two. Self-described as an expert combatant. But he’s completely wide open after his first attack. Which is unbelievable for a skilled fighter. This scene would be more believable if you instead showed him being overpowered/overwhelmed despite his skill.

An antagonist (vague to avoid spoilers) introduced in chapter three, who is described as not being exceptionally skilled, but having agility and speed that Albtraum lacked. Given that she seems to have Albtraum hard pressed solely with mundane skills. I find it hard to believe that he had not encountered a more skilled fighter with a similar style during his time hunting.

On a more positive note this antagonist has a well fleshed out and believable personality, acting out in ways that are appropriate for her character. The gripe above would be easily solved by removing the reference to her not being exceptionally skilled in combat. Since she was by and large superior or equal to the other foes he faced prior, in terms of raw combat ability.

Closing

Would I recommend Birthright? Unequivocally, yes. The small complaints I’ve outlined don’t impact the readability of the tale. It’s a great example of a character driven coming of age story, set in a fantastical setting complete with demons, and mysterious forces.

I think the story is off to a great start, and the plot is likely to only get more interesting as it continues. I look forward to seeing where the author takes it.

JeanDRacc
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Demon possession and a broken little boy.

Reviewed at: Chapter VII

Hey, this is fairly well written with little to no errors. I suggest you try it, the chaps are long and have a lot to tell. The wordings from the author are very cool, admist a bit cliche in that you have a pact with demons, say demon posseses the child, the child will probably listen to the demon and then be mislead by it... maybe he'll find some hope in some people and try to betray or go against the demon possesing him. Well, that's what I think. Wonder what'll happen. 

I suggest that you add it to your likings if you like this kind of setup. The story is very good,  I will update this in the future. A month or so after this.