Forest Dungeon

by grizzly080

Original ONGOING Action Adventure Fantasy Dungeon High Fantasy LitRPG Magic Non-Human lead Reincarnation Strategy Xianxia

After dying from a heart attack i wake up to find i have been reborn as a forest. That is about to be destroyed.

 

...

How can i protect the creatures that live inside my boundaries? With just the power of a forest.

 

...

After examining one of the emus that live within me a bit too closely i find out that i can modify and change the animals inside the forest to my whim. With this new found power i will kill all those that wish to destroy me.

 

...

This is my first ever story and i would love some creative feedback on how to improve my work. Thanks.

 ...

 Expect an update every thursday/wednesday ( British Time)

Will try to keep to it.

Also cover pic is not mine if you own it and would like me to take it down i will. 

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grizzly080

grizzly080

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A difficult reading experience

Reviewed at: Beginning 4 part 2

I don't really understand what happened here. The first two, maybe three, chapters are promising but then it just goes downhill. It's another dungeon core story, which is okay, but it's almost like the author skipped or rushed writing anything he wasn't interested in.

The main character's motivation for starting to actually become a dungeon was short lived, he handled the original call to action with one action but then just... kept going.  He kept developing until he started causing problems for himself. He didn't give his enemies a chance to respond so it's almost immediately boring with no tension.

Neither the main character or any of the other characters are developed past a single character trait. Other points of view are visited for literally one paragraph to give some small kernel of information and then abruptly shift back with no segue.

Everything is told and not shown. The way points of view are shifted between abruptly in order to list out some information makes it extremely obviously and jarring.

The dialogue is... not good. Partly because it's not really dialogue, it's just a character listing what is happening now and shoehorning in facts about the world in an attempt at worldbuilding, and partly because it's just bad dialogue. It's extraordinarily stilted and unnatural and the punctuation in and around the dialogue is just incorrect which leads to it being a pain to read.

The word "I" isn't even capitilized half the time, not even in the summary.

Look at this sentence in the summary: "How can i protect the creatures that live inside my boundaries? With just the power of a forest."

Everything about that sentence is wrong. It's one sentence broken into two so the second sentence now doesn't make any sense by itself. Then you have the capitilzation problem. This is the level of the problems you'll have to ignore if you want to read this story.

MichaelTheWizard
  • Overall Score

It's pretty good so far, with a novel concept. If you can ignore some grammar mistakes, you will probably enjoy it.

Juan Jose Sanchez Rojas
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I fell in love with only the first chapter 5 good stars well earned.

Zedrik
  • Overall Score

it's amazing and really well Done so far whit good resoning and logic for most actions

 

chakfor
  • Overall Score

I'm totally digging the concept. Now that the author has cleaned up the spelling and grammar the story reads a lot more cleanly.

 

Very nice start!