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A story of a man who thought he had lost everything, only to be given a new chance with a particular caveat. Will he achieve his goals this time around? Will he bite off more than he can chew? Will he discover what he had tossed aside in his previous life? Find out when he is taken to a world quite unlike our own. An attempt at a slightly more serious and somber isekai cheat story.
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General - Honestly, when I started reading this it had my hopes up for a great story, but as I progressed further in I find myself having anerusm's over the character's decisions throughout the story. You had so much potential, but a lot of the story suffered because of your seemingly illogical decisions by Yos. your main character.
Story - A typican fantasy isekai, but with a unique twist with resources that can only be provided through a dungeon. The world building was great as you had kingdoms with bartering systems before an actual economy was slowly introduced. My only problem with this is that Yos never even makes an attempt about learning about the world around him despite suffering for it multple times.
Decisions in the story don't feel natural, its as if your forcibly lowering his IQ whenever he needs to make an important decision.
The story itself seemed rushed, If you had expanded the Old Yos with Atna for more than a 1 night stand, maybe having kids or hell a relationship that lasted 2 months your readers would be dramatically more interested in the Story. All interest in the story is lost when you kill off all your side characters for a small lesson about arrogance that your MC will forget 2 weeks later.
If the MC doesn't care about the world around him, then neither will the audience, which just leaves to a boring story. With no goals there is no point of a story.
Style - No problems really, There are no massive blocks of paragraphs and everything is decently spaced except for the odd missing sentences every now and then.
Grammar - This is one of your sore spots in the story, a lot of sentences are missing words that make it hard to understand the original meaning I suggest you spend 10 minutes on a chapter just proof reading, or try to hire someone or atleast ask for people to spot out quick mistakes as poor grammar can ruin a flow of even the best stories.
Character - Ah yes, Character. Here we have a 680 year old man baby who shows no increase in social skills despite being around people for 40 years. If you had told us he was afflicted from aaspergers or even autism that would explain why he lacks social skills even toddlers possesse and We as the reader would be much less annoyed everytime he talks, because as it stands he acts like a literal incel.
Yos, despite having previous life experiences, Has shown to make mistakes that a low-iq peasant would make. You establish in the story that he is somewhat smart, but at the same time you decide that he would fall for tricks a kindergardener could make up. Has he never had people try to manipulate him in his last life? was he so sheltered that he never learned how humans operate despite 26 years of modern life on a planet filled with billions of humans, and why does he serious lack ANY, SHORT OR LONG TERM plaing of ANY KIND. Yos was an athlete who knew how to train his body, but if he tries to apply that skill anywhere else it seemingly just dissapears.
Despite having literally one of the worst MC's I have ever read about, your other characters are actually good in your story. People act on basis of greed, get frustated realistically, and even know when to back off at times.
TlDR: If your Protagonist had learned from his mistakes, this novel would easily be top on the site. Character development feels too slow, making it hard to sympathize with the Main Character.
This is as of Chapter 115 - I feel frustrated that I read up to this point as it was a massive waste of time. I have hopes that one day you will improve your skills as a writer.
The big issue with this story is that there is no actual story.
It is an amalgamation of different things happening to a borderline moron MC, who is fixated on "running" (as in athletics) and somehow has no ounce of common sense left in his brain.
There is no actual character development, no progress of getting stronger, no cultivation, no world building, just things happening without any sense.
Looks like this story suffered from being written in mostly a vacuum. Over 100 chapters posted on four days, 100 chapters that never got the benefit of live feedback. Hopefully the author slows down, get's reader feedback, and refines the story. It's good for a first try.
So, the book is about an OP dude that mostly uses physical boosts in combat and is an absolute moron outside of combat. Total dweeb with zero personality or social skills of any sort. The book so far is probably about 140 real pages. He is an immortal but never learns anything from any experience. He makes the same mistakes repeatedly and never grows as a human.
I was stuck at work or I would have never finished this, lol.
Starts as mildly interesting isekai story about a single-minded person who only wants to be good at running, but then around ch. 13 radically swings with some bs power spike montage.
Really fun to read and while the character is obviously a superhuman hero, he never really loses his relatability. Also the author has at times a good sense of humor and an excellent method for writing about sadness and loss.
A good piece of work though with alot of flaws.
The main protagonist is flawed and one of the most stupid characters that I know of but he is somewhat relatable and even charming in a Don Quixote kind of way. He hasn't gone all isekai harem op protagonist who can do no wrong. He is active makes mistakes which he has to deal with and feels human and relatable. He is hardworking, morally good most of the time and has to deal with internal problems that I imagine someone who is immortal has to deal with like loss of loved ones, loneliness and not wanting to be in a relationship due to his condition.
The main problems with our protagonist is that he is so stupid that he doesn't learn thus leading to him suffering when he is among humans.
The main protagonist is also OP and though the reason for his OPness is good he powers up too quickly and easily rather than gradually.
The side characters seem well thought out and somewhat realistic but fail to make much of an impact on.
The world is quite unique and interesting with a world where certain people have gifts that make them faster, stronger or in this case immortal. All resources come from dungeons and cultures have evolved around them. Overall the world building is something that has been done well.
The pacing of the story seems rushed with events packed into each chapter.
The grammar is good enough but there are multiple typos.
Overall this is a good but somewhat rough story that needs a bit of polishing.
Currently on chapter 10 and the story is fine but not for me. There are grammar issues, the MC has a weird obsession with running, and he just seems to lack common sense. But if you don't mind any of that give it a read.
I like how it goes from wanting such a simple thing, to being an adventure of truly imaginative proportions.
I will admit I'm a little biased I love the immortal learning to live with that gift/curse.so I enjoyed this more than the average reader. while world-building and mechanics are well-written character writing comes off as clumsy at best. the mc from the beginning of the story comes off socially awkward and dense in most situations involving people. ill freely admit I have Aspergers a social disorder. and even too me the mc seems socially inept. another problem is even though you did a good job establishing the world but that does not matter because the main purposes of strong world-building is seeing how the central characters interact and react to the world and how the world reacts to them. the mc seems disinterested in the world around him and while that would work later on after he lived long enough and experienced enough to become disinterested in the world he was not nearly reached that point. the mc also seems in some regards as lazy and unmotivated and considering he used to be a star athlete that comes off as strange considering the amount of effort will power and training to accomplish does not match with how you set him up