From: Kamal E Y < [email protected] >
To: Sabrina < [email protected] >
Sent: 25 April, 2000 08:53 PM
Subject: more and more
After talking to you yesterday, I have again developed an urge to meet you. I think within three or 4 months I can take some leave to come to your country. These things are ok, but the main question of making our marriage a formal one still remains.
You told me that you will go away if I suffer between you and my parents. But you know that is not the end of anything. If you go away, I will suffer more than ever. If we both were 18 years old, it would have been ok, because we could find a new life elsewhere. But we are grown up and it is time to take life seriously. I have told you that I am living my life with you. You told about many questions in your mind. And you know that these are my questions too. Whenever you say "don't expect anything" my heart feels the burn.
You said that you sometimes wish could hate me. Yes, I also had thought like that. If you could hate me, you have only the anger against me, not any worry. In that case, I can take all the worry and live. I am ready to do it. But when you say that you love me without expecting anything, I am broken. I have no words to say.
Many times when I discussed our relationship with my friends Ojas and others, I told them to give me a solution where I can take all the sufferings and no one else will be hurt. I told them I am ready to suicide. But they scolded me very much. They asked me whether you and my parents will be happy if I commit suicide. But I told them I won't know anything after that. They insisted that the problem is still not solved. In a way they are right. If you do something like that I won't live in this world for a minute longer. Let us forget about that.
Finding a job in your country seems to be difficult because I don't l know your language. Next year I will quit this job. I will send the resume to you soon after completing 2 years here. If I could get a job there, at least we could live together. Maybe within that time, you will hate me...
The more I think of any solution, the more I become convinced that I love you more and more. I have to admit, I want you to be mine, only mine.
You said that after 2 years you will become 35. I will be 28 (by your system). So by our system, you are 32 now. I know the more we wait, the more problematic it becomes.
If everything was a dream...If the time could standstill...These are the solutions to everything. Sounds crazy, right? I am.
The first thing I have to do is ask my parents about moving out of my state. Then if they are ready, I have to save money. That is ok. But getting a residence permit in some other country might be a problem. Who knows what is going to happen. Maybe tomorrow, our train will crash. Yesterday I had the dream that the train is which I was going fell into a deep abyss.
Why you love me? Why I love you?