Lord of Goblins

by DarkWe

Original ONGOING Action Adventure Fantasy Sci-fi Anti-Hero Lead Dungeon GameLit Grimdark High Fantasy Magic Male Lead Multiple Lead Characters Non-Human lead Portal Fantasy / Isekai Reincarnation Ruling Class Strategy Strong Lead War and Military

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Anger. Pain. Happiness and sorrow. Lev left them all behind as he faded into the void. What of his victory? Had all his hardships been for naught?

His dreams and enemies slowly slipped from his grasp as he was transmigrated into another body. He wanted to see the world change, but that opportunity was stolen from him — Or was it?

Shackled by slavery and cursed as a social outcast, Lev must claw his way up a new social ladder laden with abuse and destruction.

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DarkWe

DarkWe

His Lordship

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l nimbus
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The Diamond that could still be.

Reviewed at: Chapter 25 – Rerum Novarum

.

Foreword:

 

We are going to talk. 

A lot. 

For those reading, keep in mind that parts of this review are addressed at the author, and may be only understood by him. Entire segments, in fact. This is not one of my usual reviews, but one made with the sole purpose of providing feedback as best I can, and helping the author grow to the best of my ability. 

This will be a review mixed with examinations, critique, my own thoughts. Keep in my mind that everything said here is my own flawed, subjective opinion, and done without malice or spite, but with the intent to help the author. Unlike my usual reviews, this won’t be written as a single mildly cohesive structure, or even stick to my usual style often-times, but go to subjects and double back as required. 

You have been warned.  

Story:

 

I am going to go out on a limb and say I have to admire the sheer amount of balls you have, starting the story with story political themes and messages. These, no matter what side you’re on, divide audiences. At the same time, however, characters are allowed to have their own political views. Just make sure people know they belong to that character. 

Right in the very first chapter, you already have heavy themes off the too without giving people time to settle in and get attached to a character. This is risky in the fact that either works, or causes people to drop outright. Not going to go further with this, as the story should NOT be judged on this, but it is something to keep in mind. 

Now, going on from there, the story is somewhat well built. Caste system, backstory, history, etc are all fleshed out and in place. Actual story pacing and plot advancement are good, of hindred by issues I'll talk about later.  

Fights are fast and believable, if, again, hindered by the issue mentioned above. The flashbacks were somewhat akwardly paced, but gave needed characterization, although the grimdark dystopian setting of both worlds heavily slammed into the plot. 

I read all the way to the end, and have mixed feeling about the story. On one hand, it dares to be different, and explore heavy themes and show how low people can sink. 

On the other..

All the scummery early on sometimes felt over the top and just too much. I'm not doing this section to berete you, but think about it. 

Does an evil character describe themselves and their actions as evil, wretched, etc? No, they simply don't care. Do they have small speeches to announce everything when stabbing someone in the back? No, they don't care

Every single small villian having their speech and their backstory being told right off the bat really upset the flow of the story, and just got repetitive after a while. 

The idea behind the story is great, and when looking at the overall arcs, ideas and plots, it's very good. But deeper down, it needs to be smoothened out. 

 

Style

 

A few notes here: 

-    I know it’s stylistic choice, but writing in present tense (is instead of was) will lose readers for you, as RR is picky.  

-    I'd recommend using numbers as words instead of putting down actual numbers. (Two instead of 2) Helps immersion and keeps picky readers I stead of losing them. 

-    Again, I'm being brutally honest here, and don’t mean this as insult, but, in early chapters, It's clear that your English isn’t your first language, just by going on sentence structure and comma placement. Your grammar is better than most authors who write in multiple languages, but it’s still obvious. 

-    In early chaps, I've also noted you seem to repeat the obvious. Like him getting slapped and saying that. Mix up the words used, and situations like these flow much better, and aren’t as jarring. 

-    Run-on sentences. Eliminate with extreme prejudice.

 

Mike, I'll be brutally honest here. I came into this review to help you, and bandying this about or ignoring it would be lying through my teeth and shitting on the fact that I promised an honestz constructive review. 

The style makes the story nearly unreadable. I struggled to get through. Not because of the story, the characters, the grammar, but the style. I did this review as live updates while writing, and have to note this down, and it was present all the way through.

The tense in which you write, Third person present with a twist, is hard as all balls to read. Third person past tense limited would work much better for the story. It's jarring, kicks the plot all the over the place, and destroys most immersion. It's a style I've never seen used successfully before, no matter how skilled the author, and I'm sorry to say you didn't surpass that drawback either. 

I know it's a hell of a lot of work, but if you want to make LoG work, then change the entire tense when you're editing this. 

I could ignore this, pat you on the back and lie through my teeth about how awesomely the story flowed and how it gripped by attention to the very second with its excellent pacing and perfect prose and sentence structure, but that would be the most malicious lie I ever told, the equivalent of me grabbing a dagger to knife you in the back while pretending to be your friend.  

I think too much of you to do that. So instead of propping you up and lying to you, I'm giving you my honest opinion, as someone who has written, reviewed, and is critical of everything, even his own works. Especially his own works. 

You need to break up any block of text, badly. Already crippled by the tense you chose to use, having multiple text blocks across the screen makes LoG VERY difficult to read.  

I'll count this as stylistic choice, and go over it too. Narrating a character's entire backstory right as we're introduced to them has never worked for me, ever. I tried it once. It tanked. It didn't work here either, in my critical opinion. 

Instead of swinging away from the current chapter, which is what the reader will be interested in, and going to explore a character's backstory (ALL of which are tragic, and that kinda makes them stale after a while, in my eyes) instead try inserting only relevant bits of information across a chapter as random thoughts and memories, and instead putting the reader's imagination to use for you.  

That's all I have to say here. I'm not going to arrogantly believe my views are the pinnacle of perfection and everyone should follow them and be enlightened, but I believe someone had to tell you this. You obviously have talent, dedication and creativity, but it needs to be refined and harnassed, polished and focused. 

I know rewriting and editing is a complete beyoth, but right now, that's your best bet if you want LoG to succeed as best it can. 

 

Grammar: 

 

Okay, this is one section I have nothing to say over, and am gonna keep moving on. 

 

Characters: 

 

Okay, these are a mixed bag. 

One on hand, they're good. Varied. If they drift towards tropes, it's not common ones, and they're likeable. Lev/Gherm is interesting, as are most of the others. Raek struck me the most, as someone who made bad choices for the good of his family, and the others were great, if I did want to kill several long before the end.

Flawed, aware of it, and growing. All in all, solid, and with a fairly large cast. 

But, again, THE TENSE YOU USE. Holy shit, Mike, it is near impossible to get attached to a character when most of my time is spent agonizing over style and my mind trying to autocorrect tenses and stuff. 

Please, for the love of Ghorza, redo the tense. Please! I'm begging here. This would improve so much it's unreal. From the very first scene to the final fight with the hivelings, a good editing sweep would clear up so much of the issues I've brought up. 

I know you consider LoG your baby, and as a writer are fiercely proud of it. But right now, my current course of action is to do an editing sweep, hire a professional proofreader and go through this with him/her and take their advice into turning this story into the masterpiece it clearly tries to be. 

You have put so flipping much effort into building and researching these two worlds and their structures and histories, into crafting these characters and their stories. Don't let it fail because you wrote in a tense nobody likes to read.

And please, move the cast list chapter to the BACK of the Table of Contents. 

 

Closing:

 

LoG needs to improve. To be cleaned and polished so that it really stands out. I'm telling you this because I believe this is what will help you the most. 

Not smiles from false friends or fake compliments, but harsh, true advice you need to better yourself and rise above what you think your limits are.  

I mean, you're better than I was when you started out, and you have the dedication to stick this out and complete the first book of this saga. Now show that dedication and improve. 

Nobody every said being an author was easy. 

Vowron Prime
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Review of the published version

Reviewed at: Mockup Design Paperback - Poll

Note that I'm reviewing the now-published version of this story, which has been professionally edited.

Lord of Goblins is an exciting reincarnation story of an accomplished veteran badass warrior from the future-turned political leader, who dies and is reincarnated as the lowest kind of Goblin, retaining all of his memories. From there we dive into an adventure story that hits on several genres including fantasy, war strategy, and dungeon crawler, punctuated by flashbacks to Lev's military days(where he was a total badass, of course.)

Story

The book is on the shorter side, serving to introduce us to the cast of characters, Lev's situation, and his plight. He begins sewing the seeds of something that could turn out to be great, but we're not quite there yet. I expect we'll get our much-desired payoff soon enough in the second installment though!

Style

The style doesn't get in your way, which is the highest praise I can give to a style. I did very much enjoy the flashbacks, and actually want to see a bit more of that.

Grammar

This has been edited by a professional publisher. It's great. 'Nuff said.

Character

Lev is an awesome protagonist. I can't wait to see him dominate the goblins with his superior knowledge and skills. Rak, Ghorza, and Rapha are well-development, and Vyrga is shaping up to be a good antagonist/rival, and is certainly more than meets the eye.

Overall an entertaining and promising setup to what could end up being an epic series. And if you're not normally a goblin fan, take comfort in knowing that these are probably the most honorable, human-like goblins you've probably seen. They're even monogamous!

Blackguard
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I'd recommend for anyone who likes revolution stories.

No synopsis here, the summary does it best and really, who wants to take the easy way? This gives off the feeling of if Harvey Dent had been killed and sent to another world instead of becoming two-face. A true man of the people, but somewhat overpowered in a way.

Unfortunately our main character can be a bit confusing. Being sent into the body of the smallest type of goblinoid with the former life of a politician, how he is able to kill bigger stronger, and more skilled opponents is a bit confusing and never really elaborated on. Figuing out how to arm his group while beingunder somany layers of embargo is pretty interesting and is really where the mostgripping parts lay.

That said, it's early on and I'm more than happy to see where it goes.

ViolentViolet41
  • Overall Score

The story is well written, and has a good plotline. It gives an actual baseline to the goblin society before the protagonist, which you don't always see, and makes things different. It fits well with the protagonist's personality, and it is overall a good story, even if it is not quite my cup of tea. 

Gerald
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The book was interesting at start...fair & balanced.

The logic & common sense behind it was super great ...BUT not until chapter 6.

Actually, it started at chapter 5 where the would be hero started preaching some nonsense to his slave mates and got promoted as their ...Faction Leader? Thats it? Seriously???

I mean, what would you feel if a stranger just pop up out of nowhere in front of you and started beating some mafia gang while shouting some nonsense then invited you to join his force? The characters are intelligent enough to think what would happen next if they agreed to him.

And who's Rak? One of the strongest in the area! But he's just letting a new powerhouse to be built on his own territory? Just to destroy it or destroy him later on if it comes too strong? He was betrayed once, not on some ramdom thugs but his own best and trusted friend... And now...wew..u know... By the way, in a territory, there is only one king... even the tiniest Ant knows that.

At chapter 6 it feels like the readers are being forced to believe on something that doesn't even believable. It completely ruined the story for me.

Well, it would be reasonablefor if it started with a small hidden faction and voice out later on if it is a force that can't be reckoned with.

Anyway, the story was good and fun to read,.. its just that,.. it doesn't suit my taste...

DROP AT CHAPTER 11

 

THIS IS TO DROY17

OH?  A religion? Yeah, yeah, I know those zealots... And it's not an excuse to cover the unreasonable and unbelievable chapter especially 5 & 6... And you can't blame me for being an honest reviewer. 

Zoboso
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It's a sotry of a military individual in the body of a goblin teaching dicipline to what amounts to a gang. Only docking point's for the simple reaon that the pacing seems off. 
Like there is a huge checkov's gun for why lev needs to be so prepared, and there is little payoff for his paranoia

Droy17
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Are you familiar with the word "Religion"??

Everybody want to believed there's still hope even in their hopeless situation that's even it's illogical they will cling to that small hope. Some of them want to take action , but they don't have the guts to do it so if someone show up with determination , will and charisma plus his eloquent words then they will certainly follow it even it my sound unreasonable. No one wants to be a slave.

This is good you should give it a try guys the grammar is good. The story is coming along nicely. The character have depth on them.

So far so good.

Neko Musume
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Style is great , but i didnt like the story much 

Grammar were decent

Character also decent.

I hope to see more action ahead ....

 

Jefe Brown
  • Overall Score

 So far the story has been good.

Haven't seen any grammar or spelling errors. 

Hope this story continues to be developed.

Matapollos04
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GOOD NOVEL ABOUT SOCIAL UPRISING (SLOW) AND FIGHTS BETWEEN DIFERENT PARTIES

Reviewed at: Chapter 21 - The Hive's Wrath (2)

good, good, I can't feel a declive in quality in this novel, actualy I can feel only growth and future! I love it, every chapter there is something that makes me read further and the futhark ''all hail his leadership'' was a nice point, all in all, a good novel. (the futhark thingy is actually secondary and does not appear in the story)