- Traumatising content
Samuel Welbourne was never meant to live a long and happy life. Since the age of four, Sam has been in and out of the hospital, but now his body is on the brink of giving up. With nothing left to lose, Sam accepts experimental surgery to modify his genes, hoping for one last miracle.
However, when he wakes up, Sam is no longer on Earth, no longer in his own body, and no longer in the right state of mind. As his sense of self is slowly twisted and changed by his new body, he must fight to survive in a new world where he is considered nothing but an instrument to powerful magi.
[Part 1 has been fully revised as of the 26th of May 2020]
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I would take a mc that does everything perfectly every day over forced idiot that needs layers upon layers of plot armor just to survive each chapter.
Seriously, there is no chapter where he is not dying by the end of it,talk about things becoming boring but not realizing you wrote it like this.
Plot is convoluted even after trying my hardest to make heads and tails of it.
Deus ex encountets and plot armor as well as random encounters that has no reason to be there other than making the story bloated. You don't need to save the universe every chapter like in marvel,take a chill pill and recover. It only took taking a beating 6 times for the mc to realize that his power that let him absorb stuff can be used to eat any matter even if less efficient, but no, brain is hard to corelate things, dude, even neanderthals can understand touching fire = pain = bad = don't touch , let alone a bedridden young man that, while an idiot, can do complex math in his mind instantly for his sister.... inconsistency is just as much of a problem as the plot armor gundam.
You don't need to have explored the planet to have knowledge, that's what internet and tv are for and since he went to school before ending in the hospital again and learned from his sister bringing him notes he should have more than middle school knowledge.
The only way for him to be a complete retard is by giving him a tumor since he was 10 y old or smth and have it disappear since his old body is in the other world, that would make his actions somehow believable, but still, his character is so bloated , changing it will change the whole farce of a plot, he has knowledge he shouldn't have, basic sapient skills that he should but don't use and the construct that sometimes is changing his thinking,sometimes not for no apparent reason.
He wants to be named Ares for some reason cause it's the name of a god and everyone will care in the new world when he goes for world domination *cough*i mean going on a masochistic taking a beating spree*cough*....how and why does he know or care this much for the name if he, on top of his X DNA disease has an advanced case of ADD, somehow, while in a new body...
The grammar is ok for a draft but i expect the rewrite to clear the spelling mistakes that would confuse what the aithor meant in that line.
I'll give it a try after the rewrite and after you decide on a goal and plot cause after 14 chapters it killed all the hype i had for the concept of this story and the more i dig in it the more inconsistencies i find.
The premise makes this story worth it , but only if you make it to chapter 13 onwards. Past that the worldbuilding is really brought to the fore, as well as interesting character interactions.
Chapters 3-12 are difficult to get through and I almost gave up several times. The main reason for the difficulty was the lack of tangible progression in those chapters.
Ares wanders around the forest from encounter to encounter, going from almost dying in a fight to barely recovering, like a jarring on-off cycle that repeats 4-5 times. Every location is visited at least twice, essentially going around in circles in the forest.
The only progess he makes in these encounters gaining info, and even that is mysterious.
Now, I get that the reader is supposed to be feeling Ares' confusion. He's just been plonked in a strange environment and doesn't have his bearings - he's just trying to survive. In fact, I love how realistic the story is, and how the author is trying to make it immersive for the reader. However, I'd argue that the reader should feel moments of confusion and lostness, while still being guided by the story thread. No one likes circling around to the same spot in a maze more than once - you lose hope.
So, a few possible ways to address this problem:
1. Reducing number of fights/encounters. By culling or merging them together, the on-off cycle will be less jarring. Merging meaning mixing up stuff from both events into one big event. The events are:
B. Fox & co.
C. Birdman, wolfman & lizard
D. Demon boy
E. Wolfman and bann
F. Behmet& co
H. Fox & co
I. Luring from behmet's camp
J. Final fight with Behmet &co.
Possible changes: cull B keep H, C+E omit D, F->G, G->H->J cull I , etc.
2. Reduce the time between events. Give Ares no time to rest - keep the story at a running pace.
3. Git gud. Okay jokes aside, what I mean is keep all events as they are, but weave a theme throughout the chapters. For example, explicitly have a prominent question which is answered bit by bit through the events. Basically keep the reader engaged through superior writing style alone.
Overall the writing style has class, which is much appreciated. Its biggest weakness, however, is density. Especially in the first arc. In general, sentences are quite long without the much-needed shorter sentences to ease the burden. Monologue or information is oftentimes repetitive and could be more concise.
Ares' machine dialogue IS concise, which is great. Hoeever, the constant update of percentages can get tedious...for both Ares and the reader. The technique of just mentioning the percentage damage, but not actually showing the dialogue was good. It would be nice if the same thing happened for healing too. Showing the dialogue the first few times is enough for the reader to get the idea. It's not like Ares would read every word himself either.
The vocabulary is beautiful; a pleasure to read. Author occasionally forgets punctuation at the end of dialogue, but other than that, very good punctuation. Also try adding semicolons and colons for extra variety .
Side characters are well expressed. They are memorable caracatures with slight complexity.
Now, the MC. Sam's most distinctive drive is his fascination of Mars, which I appreciate. He has other traits like pride, independence, embarrassment, a sense of justice, apathy....would be great to see his character fleshed out a bit more through interactions with others. I look forward to seeing how teenage Sam stumbles and learns and grows through this difficult adjustment period.
Likewise, I am looking forward to seeing how the duality
with Ares will be tackled. Will Sam fight back? Or will he be swallowed up? It would be interesting to see further aspects of Ares' personality through various situations.
This duality in personality concept has a lot of potential, but will require skill to pull off.
All in all, this story has a lot of potential. Good luck, Author-san!
It's a good story, with an interesting premise, but the author has a tendency to over-explain some things.
That, and the mc lacks focus. he gets distracted by every little thing, and it gets so convoluted that it makes him seem like he's touched in the head.
seriously, i have actual ADD (attention deficit disorder), and even i can only sigh and think he's missing more than a few screws, if not all but one.
Having read up to and including chapter 21, it feels very convoluted. It is almost like there are two separate storylines and main characters despite there only being one. I understand the author's explanation of how the body affects the mind, however, he keeps those memories and experiences when he returns. Despite his attempts to rationalize it. He should have a much more emotional response to killing and eating other sapients. Especially since he apparently hasn't had much life experience to begin with as a bedridden ill person from the start of high school. In my opinion it is too unrealistic to have such little response to it. Not even a minor crisis from killing and eating other beings raw? Seriously? I would likely being willing to read either story on its own as it appears very interesting. I am aware the author was trying to go with something different than a standard reincarnation story, but it just isn't really working for me. That said, the world building and reasoning behind a lot of the background and plot points is great. I am genuinely interested in some of the mysteries and secrets hinted at and they will likely be how the author tries to tie the stories together. It still remains to be seen how well it will work however. I might be willing to revisit it at some point in the future.
Tl:Dr The grammar, background, and plot are well written and compelling. My issue is mostly personal and stems from a dislike of how there are two disparate stories being mashed together.
P.S Winterwisp feel free to reach out to me with a pm about any questions, answers, rebuttals, or things I may have missed or misinterpreted etc.
The story is a cool concept that is poorly executed. The moment you start getting into something the author kills his own flow and switches paces.
Review after chapter 14
The Grammar is stellar better than most in RR. A bit heavy on the words in the early chapters but it's bearable.
How the author constructs his story caught me like a hooked fish, almost every chapter ends with the MC is in some kind of crisis, it does make me want to click next chapter in anticipation.
The author explains why the MC acts a bit "passively" but I feel the MC is the weakest link in this novel. I saw some plot armor but it's not jarring. The MC just need some spinach for energy to be what he (it?) supposed to be.
Overall, it's a unique Lit-RPG story. If you're looking for a new read, this may be just the thing for you. ^^
The author is clearly a Tech inept, without a clue how technology and advanced systems work.
His work reflects this, and despite numerous criticism from readers he goes on, with even more abominations of technology he pretends to be advanced.
The plot is missing completely. Why is stuff happening? No idea.
How is the MC involved, beside falling into the story. We never know.
Who keeps saving the MC from idiocy? The author himself! LOL?
Lastly, there are dozens of glowing reviews, all 5 stars? Haahahhahaa. This guy must have his whole family/classmates write in glowing reviews.
Style: Comparable to professionally published novel (although what I usually read is Japanese light novel). Not lacking in anything, like hyphens, italic, and bold. Paragraph was uniformed well, not too lengthy, not too short.
Grammar: Perfect as far as I could see. For instance, I couldn't spot any grammar mistakes so far. It must be because of my inferior grammar.
Story: Quite slow pace if I were to say. Sometimes being convoluted and hard to understand, especially for me who wasn't a native English speaker.
Character: The MC is always constantly being saved by plot armor. I mean why not have the MC just accomplishes anything a bit simple and easy? Personality-wise, it's not bad and quite enjoyable.
Overall: I would enjoy the story more if it was more clear and simple. As the grammar was perfect and the premise being unique, it would be more popular. Keep writing, dear author.
This review applies up to chapter 7.
Fluent and articulated. The only perplexities I have are the length of the paragraphs, which last for a bit even after a single line of dialogue and can be a burden for some readers, and the (sometimes) overly complicated descriptions. The usual LitRPG message log can also be a little obnoxious. Still, very good.
Nearly flawless. Could use a little more variety here and there to avoid repetitions, but that's pretty much it. A completely different level from what I'm used to see on this website, anyway.
The story seems to start as very classical, in media res fantasy, but then sweeps the rug from below the reader's feet and introduces him to a very different context. Despite LitRPGs not being my favourite genre by far, however, I liked the twist. The way the protagonist is thrown into the new world is still interesting (but more on that in the characters section) and watching the discovery of his new abilities is a delight, especially with a writing this good. I also liked the in-and-out of the game world situation. It's a breath of fresh air to see that there's still something out there.
I really love the characters of the prologue. They are fully designed (spoiler alert) even while being throwaways and have great alchemy with each other. Greedy, litigious and at times childish, they are so well-developed that they compelled me to read, and made me hope for some more unconventional take on the genre.
The real protagonist arrived, however, and the difference weighed. At the start of his story he is a little bland and you'll need patience to see some development in him. The way he (spoiler alert) passively accepts the new identity of Ares to the point that he refers to himself that way, forgets about his own twin sister for a couple of chapters (even if she is introduced as an important person in his life) and lacks any form of fear in front of what he is experiencing is a little unrealistic. The story asks the reader to simply believe it, and thankfully rewards him in the end.
The protagonist is a good character, sure, but will make you miss the duo of the prologue right when he takes over. Still, after getting used to his presence, his interaction with the world shows great effort if compared with the standards of the LitRPG genre.
Side cast is a bit simple but overall good, nothing too flashy.
If you love LitRPGs, you'll also love Divine Construct. There are some inconsistencies with characters and the way the story is told, but even if it's not perfect I have to commend the author for the extremely good writing and (albeit a little chaotic at times) vivid images this world leaves.
Recommended for 99,9% of the readers on this website.
Applies up to chapter 13
Style: The descriptions and flow of the story are excellent. The amount of detail that is put into the environment as well as the characters reactions are colorful and vivid. However, it can drag on a little bit and the information is sometimes a bit too much.
Grammar: The grammar is pretty much perfect. Sentences flow nicely and a wide range of vocabulary is used. The level here in my opinion is basically professional.
Story: I can't say for certain how good the story is yet because we are still in the opening sequences. However, the world has been established and so have the inhabitants thanks to the prologue. While the transition was a bit forced from the prologue to chapter 1, I'm glad the world and its races was expanded upon in chapter 10. I'm sure you'll provide more information as the story progresses so keep it up!
Character: Given that only one character is really developed so far, I have to base my review on characters solely on him. Sam/Ares is young and has been out of the world for quite a while due to his condition. I assume there is a tie to realism in this story due to how Sam was introduced in a hospital in our world. Therefore, I found it hard to believe that even though he was controlling the construct externally, he was able to understand and coordinate all the physical functions so quickly. I can't really wrap my head around how a long-term hospital patient with a bed-ridden disease has the knowledge and mental reflexes to be thrown right into a forest fighting for his life so fluidly.
Overall: As a whole, this story is progressing rather well. The MC has to settle a dispute before exploring the vastness of the new world he has been exposed to. All I would like to see is maybe more references to Ares current situation back in his home world. After all, if you were whisked into a new world all of a sudden wouldn't you be concerned of what was going on back home?