To Play With Magic
- Traumatising content
"Hi, my name is Alexis," I say into the camera, as I attempt to calm my nerves.
"And I'm Sab," I hear my best friend add from beside me. It's good to have her there, it's been far too long.
"I'm trying to focus," I tell Sab as I look into the camera. Will anyone even watch this?
"What, just cause I didn't get sent to another world, where magic and dragons are real, I don't get to be a part of this?" she questions me. I can hear the hurt in her voice. I wish she'd been there. Things might have been... different. I can't believe I thought it was a game. If it had been, she'd have been the better choice.
"I said I was sorry. It's not like I knew I was going to be kidnapped by the system," I lamely apologize. She deserves more, but this is important.
"Coming soon, to an earth near you," she might be making light, but I can hear the fear in her voice.
"It's not funny Sab. It really is coming," I can't help but reply to her words, even though I know she didn't mean it.
"Come on Lexi, it's a little funny." she tries while chuckling nervously.
"Sigh. Look, can we just get back to telling them?" I ask, pointing at the laptop.
"Sure, but first you should show them some magic," Sab declares while waving her arms around.
"I told you. It's not that simple. I only showed you because you could tell it wasn't fake. They'd just think it was special effects," or come after me to try to lock me in a basement.
"Yeah, well they're not going to believe you anyway. It sounds pretty crazy, even to me. And I've seen what you can do," she proclaims. I didn't think it was that special, but she was super impressed by my magical abilities.
"Maybe, but I have to try. We don't have much time," I state as I stop the recording, before starting a new one.
"Hello, my name is Alexis," I pronounce, projecting as much confidence as I can at the little camera.
"Remember, the world ends on a Tuesday."
*This is a LitRPG, with attempts at humour, a bit of psychology and a lot of magic. This is a "System apocalypse" novel where the protagonist is sent to another world prior to the apocalypse. It will almost exclusively follow the perspective of Alexis as she makes her way through her journeys.
While I endeavour to deliver a readable story, this is what I would tentatively label the first draft. Feedback is appreciated and while I'll attempt to make clarifications, major revisions will wait until the story has finished.
Guaranteed updates on Monday and Thursday.
This story is only available on RoyalRoad and my Patreon. If you find it anywhere else, please reach out to me. Thank you.
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Thanks for the novel enjoyed to read it and like it very much and have alot op pleasure to read it and again thank you for it! It really is amazing story that you must just read and it really gives the vibe of enjoying to read the story.
This story has decent writing, brilliant ideas and great ambitions, unfortunately it makes any flaws stand out more starkly in contrast. As this review is for the author I'll be mainly focused on the areas I believe should be focus of improvement.
First, the pacing needs a lot of tuning once the story is finished. As of now the story jumps between sedate crawls, fast paced action and lore dumps. Overall, it makes the story feel very flighty and unfocused. I believe small rearrangements to the chain of events/scenes could alleviate that.
Secondly, there's barely any real interaction with character's outside the 'party' (Raz being a notable exception and Wyonna counting as a member). And even between the members it's kept quite superficial and short most of the time. I can tell it's not a strong suite of the author and it fits the mc's personality but it can be incredibly grating at times. It sadly also enforces the perception of the companions being used as plot or progression devices for the mc. I can tell there are attempts to alleviate this but they haven't been followed through so far. My suggestion would be to earnestly explore these smaller moments. Characterization doesn't need to be sappy 'heart to heart' talks, often more mundane interaction helps to shape a picture. To my understanding you are also trying to advance with every member of the main cast at roughly the same pace when you don't have to. It is easier for the reader to follow and more memorable to go in bigger 'chunks'. A successful one, to my sensibility, would be Josh's and Alexis' spat. For me that was genuine and I'm a bit sad it ended with 'the system did it' instead of a more comprehensive character developement.
Lastly, the mc. With how the story focuses exclusively on Alexis making her relatable or at least enjoyable to read would seem paramount. Unfortunately, for me, the opposite happens just as much. Her pov is incredibly distracted and juvenile most of the time or occupied with her pet and romantic prospects, instead of providing the reader with any insights into her surroundings. Jumps in reasoning and thus story progression happen occasionally whilst seemingly relevant information is not followed up on. Now I don't suggest changing her character or anything in that vein but I believe offering more (in)sight to the reader would be a tremendous improvement.
These are the three most glaring shortcomings to my sensibility and I hope this review provides construcrive feedback.
Thank you for sharing your work freely and may you never lose the joy in penning out your fantasies.
So I came here from another story I liked. I was hooked sometimes and then I disliked some things... It was a weird experience for me, this story.
The grammar is very good, not much errors and the vocabulary is perfectly welded.
My problem comes with the style, the main character's POV and how it influenced the story:
I don't mind present tense and the selected PoV. Being inside the head of the char is cool, but for a normal girl, her way of telling is a bit irritant to me. I don't talk about the first part with josh or what she did to a certain... (spoilers so will avoid). The reason is being inside her mind feels fake or somehow tiring?
The girl has high intelligence, but being intelligent in her feels more like a clairvoyant. Or more lke her thoughts are perfectly pushed by what the author wants so much... It feels odd.
You may think I'm wrong but, the abilities she gets are specialized into system disruption. That means she will get everything like perfectly delivered (Not necesseraly plot armor, but more like the set line destination the author has is so perfect it feels bad... At least to me).
I like the story, it is actually a nice idea. But I hate the odd sensation being inside her head. I felt like a fish swiming with the current, having to comply with the character... But in fact I didn't and in the end couldnt enjoy it.
About the story: its OP yet not OP. The skill she gains is a major disruptor, but she can be said to not be that powerful and has to cope with many restrictions.
About the system:
Its fairly well planned. I like the system a lot even telling the parts of regeneration and having some really well thought classes for the setting. Even the traits, names and all makes it cool to read.
About world building: same. Its very good and intriguing.
But seriously... I didn't like being inside her head, and I'm sad because the story is really good. But alas I cant put the author to change it for just one person. My suggestion is that people can read it and try to see if they can enjoy it. It feels like my reason for turning this one down is something more personal with this PoV.
I just love the characters, the setting and unique system, the potential for the future, everything just fits well. Definitely recommended!
The characters especially are memorable and don't do stupid things just for the sake of plot. Things progress naturally and the world feels real and well thought out.
The buildup to the return arc teased in the summary is still in progress and I'm looking forward to it. The author definitely knows where he/she/other is going, but just didn't have the time yet to write it down. Thats okay, I'd rather have slower updates than a rushed story with plotholes or lackluster details.
What's there is superb (900 pages is quite a bit) and I'm definitely sticking around to see how this goes on! I especially like the (magic) system the author uses. Props for implementing it in such a satisfying way.
This is a great LitRPG novel, with interesting characters and a good grammar. The MC is powerful but does not feel OP. I like the way she constantly improves herself and practices her magic, but sometimes I don’t understand why she is so much better at magic than the other characters. I love the fact the MC does not rely on her cheat, but simply uses it to improve her hard-earned magic skills. The MC mainly improves by inventing new spells, and there seems to be very little difference between a level 10 and a level 70 mana manipulation. As such, in my opinion the regular updates on her skill level come across as number crunching and do not add value to the book. I also feel the story lacks a driving plot, and is too slow-paced (the story leads us to wonder about the nature of the system and the outside world, but at chapter 1.53 we still have no hints).
All in all a great read, definitely worth your time
Characters having foundational memories formed from a past perspective grants a depth to characters that may just be unique (I haven't seen it before, I don't claim to have read more than 1.5k-2k books which is a mere fraction of all )
Read it up to 1.28.
Really nice story. Some likable characters, other, not so much.
Some decent character development, interesting abilities.
Really good grammar, compared to the average RR novel.
MC is basically a chosen one with outstanding powers and emotional baggage to last her a while. Her group is a mesh of interesting characters with 'meh, whatever' ones.
Hope it keeps going on the right direction.
It got me hooked after the first few chapters, the way it is written and how the characters are presented and how they react makes me want to read more of them.
I'm a big fan of this story. An interesting premise, some cool powers, and complex characters are all shaping up well from what I've read so far. The author is still trying to dial in a few plot points, so we're seeing some edits in response to (deserved) criticisms of character interactions in earlier chapters. Definitely worth a read, or at the very least a bookmarking to come back and check it out after the the story is polished. This one has the framework for something special.
Edit: The author's been doing a great job of taking criticism seriously, without taking it as personal insults. The current state of the story is far far better than it was originally, so if you dropped out after a few chapters before the revisions, I'd recommend giving it another go.
I'm still not fully caught up; once I am, I'll redo this with more specifics.
Edit: I'll leave the original review in a spoiler block for posterity, but I've bumped the score from 2.5 to 4. The author revised a lot the early interactions between the MC and the others; she seems a lot more human now, if still a bit shallow; once I get the bad taste of the MC's original form out my mouth, I'll come back and give it another go. Just know that if you like chosen ones and litrpg, then you should give this a go, and ignore my ranting in the spoiler section; some, but not all of the ranting is still valid.
MC spawns in her cat onesy and her friend spawns in a pink bathrobe, but the old guy spawning in a pajama suit is too much, he is creepy and not deserving of the potentially life saving information that she has to share, so she's not going to share it with anyone, because he's just that creepy (to her). The old guy isn't actually described as being any creepier than any of the other characters.
She'll risk death before associating with he-of-the-pajama-suit, and people will ask him for help and immediately attack him for being too friendly.
If you can stomach overtly unlikable characters who are fawned over and praised by everyone in the cast, then by all means, the story might be readable for you. If you're alright with the author's prejudice leaking into the story, then also, pick it up.
The writing is well done, the prose is good, the premise is pretty cool, and the general frame of events is all right, but the MC is such a terrible human being, but the author seems to absolutely adore her, and thus, so does everyone else in the story.