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Hey, Drake. Did you ever see that meme where it’s like a kid asking a parent for something to go and get something, but then he does something else with it instead like a boss?

Like, a little kid asking his mom for some money to go and buy some milk, then he actually buys something else completely different like a boss, and then it says “(whatever he bought) time?”

 

As soon as Window teleported me and Valkyria back to the battlefield, she immediately had a question for me. As for the meme that she was asking me about, I only had a vague idea of what she meant and zero idea of whether or not I was right. “I think so?”

Well, the reason why I asked… is because I suddenly feel like you’re the little kid from the meme. You’re not going to go and pull a meme off on me, are you?

 

“I have no idea what you could mean by that, Window.”

Don’t play stupid. You know what I mean. You wanted to bring Valkyria here so that she could watch, but you’re going to actually do something else with her, aren’t you?

 

“Do you really think that I’m like that?”

Absolutely. Do you even need to ask me that? Do you really think that I’m the kind of informational status window that you have to ask whether I’m sure of something or not when it comes to how horrible of a human being you are?

 

“Well, you’re right. I do have something else in mind that I’m going to do with her.”

I knew it! What were you going to do with her, huh? Confess your sins!

 

“I was going to… do this.” I climbed up onto Valkyria’s front and hung my legs off of her. “I was going to sit with her.” I gave her barrel a few friendly pats which she responded to by pressing her barrel up against my hand in a similar way to how a dog might nuzzle a petting hand. That was pretty adorable, so I kept my hand on her barrel to stroke her for a bit.

O-oh. I see. Also… don’t you think it’d be kind of weird to be doing that if she was a he? I mean, you know. You’d be stroking the barrel of a guy. There’d be so much yaoi fanart potential there.

 

“There’d be what?”

Never mind. We’re starting the battle now before we end up using another whole chapter for procrastinating banter. Smooth transitions be hecked.

 

“Hecked?”

You know, instead of “be damned.”

Be hecked.

Be damned be hecked!

 

“But why hecked?”

Because it’s a really cute and fun word. You can replace any swear word with heck and that makes it way better. Watch:

Heck you, you hecking non-virgin virgin heck.

 

“Honestly, I can see your point. It actually is kind of cute and manages to be better than a more serious word.”

By the way, I’m surprised you don’t swear more. I remember seeing the video from the news broadcast where you were sacrificed to Vala and you swore a ton.

 

“Because I wanted the cable network to get fined for allowing swearing on-air. I rarely ever have a reason to actually swear, and swearing all the time takes meaning out of when you actually have a reason to do it.”

Oh, you’re one of those people who thinks that swearing should be reserved for super serious moments.

 

“Yeah, so heck you.”

Wow, rude – wait! WE’RE GETTING DISTRACTED AGAIN

OK BATTLE TIME

 

I looked over to Cami and Delphi who were chilling with the various towers’ dogs over on the battlefield. The bees and cows were there, too, chilling out in their own ways. The bees liked to stick their faces into every single flower that they could find, despite their faces being far too large for the flowers available, and the cows liked to sort of walk around, stop, eat grass, and repeat.

There was temptation to yell at the cows for doing free lawncare for the cat queen seeing as how she was still our enemy, but it was not the time to remind them that the grass back at our place was obviously superior and more worthy of being consumed. Instead, it was the time to yell out to inspire and motivate them. Seeing as how I was no famous military leader, though, I still wasn’t that great at the whole motivational speech thing.

“Listen up!” I shouted. “This is the final battle against the cat queen! I think. Anyways, because this is the final battle, it means that you have to try your hardest to survive against her and her legions of fluffy cats! Do not let their pristine fluff distract you no matter how soft it might look! Do not give in to your carnal desires of rubbing your face against their bellies! Instead, tear their fluff off of them! Cut them until they’re running away without even a single strand of hair left anywhere on their bodies! Rip and tear their fluff to free it from their bodies!”

Oh, right.

I forgot that you’re the antagonist of this world fighting to conquer it and interrupting everybody just wanting to live in peace.

 

What Window thought of my role didn’t matter. What did matter was that Delphi cheered in the distance alongside Cami who was much less expressive about her hype, the bees waggled their entire bodies since that was how bees preferred to communicate, and the cows mooed.

Everybody got back into position after that.

It was time for the final battle. It was time for us to defeat the cat queen once and for all.

It was time for us to assert our supreme dominance over all of catkind.

All of the usual battle-related information popped up as the grand gate to the cat queen’s castle was pulled up to allow the attackers to pour out.

Wait. Are they the attackers or defenders? We’re the ones coming to siege them, but they’re the ones actually charging out to fight us while we defend ourselves against them. So, who’s really the attackers and the defenders here? It was an interesting dilemma, but one that I could spend no time thinking too hard about considering that the first cats came charging out from the castle’s gate.

Usually, when a new enemy was introduced, they came out from their spawn point all on their own to steal the spotlight. Not this time, though. These cats came out with a proper wave of support all around them.

New Enemy Discovered!

Cat Commander

Threat: ★★★★

HP: Honestly, they’re pretty weak when it comes to health and the next two stats.

Damage: 6

Defense: 8

Cat Commanders command the cat legions. I wonder if there’s any way to make that entire first sentence use only words that start with C. Anyways, Cat Commanders are some of the highest ranked members of the Pawsitively Feline Empire. They don’t often participate in battles themselves, but they provide all surrounding cat units with a large buff to damage and defense. All cats within support range of a Cat Commander have their damage and defense doubled, basically. Also, surrounding cat units will stay close to the commander to protect them. Ranged towers will try to prioritize commanders, but the nearby cats will happily throw themselves in front of any projectiles that try to harm the commander. Other cats will also move slower when within range of the commander to stay in the support radius longer.

 

The mechanic of having a support unit wasn’t anything new when it came to tower defense games, or even most games in general, but it was new to this world of ours.

As for the cat commander, they looked just like a normal cat except for the fact that they were standing on two legs, had an oversized military coat on with various decorations patched onto the chest part of it with some of those gold frilly things on the shoulders, and wore a monocle. They also wielded a rapier that they used to point forward with, ordering the nearby cats to march.

Just as the description said, the cats nearby the commander moved slower than usual. They also had had a yellow glow around them which must have been the visual cue for them being affected by the commander’s buff. As soon as they put some distance between them and the slow commander, though, they lost the glow and picked up in speed.

While the first cats clashed with Delphi, Cami, and the dogs that they had to back them up, the cat commander came within range of the trebuchet tower. The trebuchet tower didn’t focus the commander right away due to it already being locked onto some other cats, but it did switch over to the commander once those first cats were dead.

The trebuchet tower switched its focus to the commander and launched a boulder straight at them!

The boulder crashed directly into the cat commander and kicked up a cloud of dust. When the dust cleared, the commander looked a bit dirty and let out a couple of coughs, but they raised their rapier once more to point the way to victory.

That was when another boulder crashed into them and killed them. Well, not killed, but defeated. They dropped their rapier and officially ran back toward the safety of the castle’s walls.

So, AOE turned out to be effective and apparently the go-to method of dealing with commanders. Well, it would probably be AOE or hero units. I wasn’t sure if a ranged hero unit would work, not that we had one yet in the first place, but a melee hero unit like Delphi or Cami probably would have been able to focus the commander down if the AOE didn’t take it out.

But even though the commander was defeated, there was still a problem. The commander’s buff lasted long enough, supporting the cats all around them, that the cats barely took any damage from the trebuchet tower’s boulders. Now those cats reached our frontlines and threatened to overwhelm them.

“Holy Guidance! Martial Trance!” I shouted, activating the abilities of both Cami’s and Delphi’s towers.

With that, our frontline was able to hold… but we were only on the first wave and the second wave was about to approach. There was also the problem of those tower abilities now being on cooldown, so I wouldn’t be able to use either of them again for a while.

The good news was that there wasn’t another commander for a while.

The bad news came after a couple more waves.

The cat queen herself showed up on her balcony with her scepter confidently held out before her. “Behold-nya! You are not the only ones with trebuchets!” she shouted as four trebuchets appeared on the top of her castle’s walls.

Each trebuchet atop her walls rotated until they had our frontlines in their sight… and then launched their boulders.

“Move out of the way!” I shouted.

But it was too late.

The boulders landed right on top of our dogs, Cami, and Delphi. Two boulders for each group. Delphi and her dogs managed to survive with a little over half of their health, but Cami and her dogs were wiped out and taken off of the field to recover just in time for some cats to charge past them.

“Delphi! Go guard the chokepoint!” I shouted.

Delphi, who looked pretty beat up from the boulders, nodded and ran over to where the two front paths converged.

That was when I realized something.

The enemy trebuchets seemed to be specifically targeting her, turning so that she was always ahead of them.

Before I could test my theory out, I shouted, “Volley Fire!” to help out Delphi with the cats that made it past where Cami was meant to guard. Between Delphi and the archer tower’s special ability, the cats that slipped by were finished off, but not before the cats could take out another third of Delphi’s health.

And now it looked like the enemy trebuchets were about to fire again.

I was confident that the trebuchets wouldn’t be able to hurt their allies, especially since some of the cats from the first boulders should have been within range of their impacts.

There was one more thing that I was confident about, too.

I watched and waited until the enemy trebuchets launched their boulders. The moment they did send those oversized rocks flying through the air toward Delphi, I ordered her to move. Delphi followed my command and got out of the way as quickly as she could, causing all four boulders to miss her and any of the other units.

The trebuchets were already locked back onto her as they got reloaded.

My observation was right. The trebuchets were only interested in our hero units, not our actual tower units. However, they would deal damage to the tower units if the boulders landed near them. That meant the hero units, Delphi and Cami, couldn’t be standing near any of the dogs on the ground whenever the trebuchets were about to fire.

And just like that, the first bit of proper micromanagement was added to our “game.” I would have to watch the trebuchet towers to time my orders for Delphi and Cami to make sure that they never got hit.

Things were starting to get exciting. Well, more exciting. I was already pretty excited about my plan, but it wasn’t time to fully deploy it yet. For now, I had to keep my eyes on the trebuchets.

Cami and the rest of the Viking dogs came back out after they had a good chance to rest and recover from being flattened-but-not-really by the trebuchets’ boulders after a few more moments. As soon as Cami was back out there, the trebuchets split up their attention between her and Delphi again. The trebuchets always fired at the same time, though, so watching them and waiting for when to tell the girls to move was easy. If they fired at different times, that would be more annoying. Too annoying. Annoying to the point where I would find it a chore rather than fun.

But now there was another problem. Cami wasn’t able to take on a group all by herself because of how lower her defense was, but she couldn’t fight near any of the other groups due to risk from getting them hit by the trebuchets. Sending her forward to fight on her own would be suicide. Pulling her back to wait for enemies to reach her would also end up being suicide if there was a group of them.

I wasn’t sure how I wanted to order them. I could always keep them with their groups but have them move away ahead of time, and that started to seem like the best idea. Especially since it was my only idea that would still make use of them instead of just keeping them in the back where they wouldn’t be able to do anything.

“Alright. Delphi! Cami!” I shouted. “Switch groups and listen for my orders! I need you both to fall back away from the dogs the instant that I shout to move!”

The girls were too busy fighting off swarms of cats to give me a properly reply, but they nodded their heads as best as they could while focusing on their enemies.

Unfortunately, things were about to get a bit more complicated as we reached the halfway point in the waves.

The ground shook from stomping.

Coming out from the castle’s gate… were none other than Conan and Catrir. The two former bosses now came out together, each one focusing on a different lane. Conan approached Delphi’s lane while Catrir went for Cami.

We were about to get fights with Holy Knight Delphi versus Conan the Catarian and Viking Cami against Catrir the Pillager.

And the bosses looked angrier than ever before.

That was probably my fault.

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A note from Ace Arriande

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About the author

Ace Arriande

  • "Unashamed King of Weeb Trash"

Bio: I do writing things and want to someday work on visual novels. Am also a weeb. You should expect weeb stuff in my stories.

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