Technomagic Empire Of The Apocalypse

by hakatri gin

Original HIATUS Adventure Fantasy Sci-fi LitRPG Magic Male Lead Post Apocalyptic Ruling Class Steampunk Strategy War and Military
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity

After the multiverse merged into one single megaverse a period of chaos and death ensued, all intelligent life would have been wiped out if not for a sacrifice that sent people back in time, giving them a second chance to survive.

Vance has a plan, has the resources and is better suited for ruling instead of lone wolfing, therefore he will assemble his followers and build a stronghold to resist the apocalypse, first a bunker, then a fortress, then a kingdom, then an empire.

A power fantasy set in a steampunk magic world.

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hakatri gin

hakatri gin

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Niurn
  • Overall Score

Very rough - Editing needed

This work badly needs editing. Each paragraph is a single sentence running for dozens of words. I couldn't get past chapter 3.

Spoiler: Here's an example from Ch1 : 

 

XXxxxadisxxxXX
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Abhorrently bad grammar with an insulting author

This is written from my phone so bare with me here. First off I'll cover the grammar/writing style. I have a feeling that the authors first language is either not English or that they just do not care enough about their own story to try and edit it. It's literally just a bunch of run on sentences filled with errors and misplaced words.

 

The dialogue and tone of the story is just for lack of a better term off. It feels like I'm reading dialogue that was written by someone in middle school who is trying to make their charecters sound like adults but is failing at it horribly. There are also sections where the dialogue just becomes robotic and choppy.

 

The tone has a similar problem as well. It's main problem; however, is that it seems to jump around too much. It goes from being for example there are multiple time where the tone shifts front fast paced to completely peaceful in less than a line. This by itself is not too jarring but it's still a major problem.

 

There is also the fact that the author tends to fall into what most would call a buffing troupe. The author gives the mc all of these things that just happen for no reason other than to buff him and make him more op.

 

The author also cannot take criticism and seems to take it as a personal slight if someone critiques their work. You can look at this yourself by looking through the comments of the story. 

The author is seen multiple times berating or outright insulting people who comment on his work. Normally I don't care if you refute or try to explain something, but whenever someone commented something that wasn't positive, if the author responded in the first place, they made it personal and started insulting the comment to win an argument that didn't exist until he made it.

 

Overall is this worth it? No, not really. It needs a lot of work to even become readable and even then the amount of troupes and poorly designed story/characters would just ruin it for most people. I wouldn't suggest this unless your looking for an example on what not to do in your own writing.

th30dor
  • Overall Score

Paragraphs so long you forget where you started

It's very hard to read. The writing, and grammar are atrocious. This needs an editor really badly.

Mark Time
  • Overall Score

good start! The story structure is good.

Heavy focus on kingdom building and RPG elements. The story starts to feel like mad max and the walking dead crossed with magic.
The grammar requires you to not care about paragraph structure and to be able to place your own sentence structure mentally to truly enjoy.


ps it's still better than translated light novels

diego duque
  • Overall Score

Good story, you just need some polishing.
Besides, it has a great world and character construction, the only complaint or advice I will give would be: given that the magic forced the technological worlds to reinvent itself, it would be logical that the magical worlds with the arrival of the fusion also had to reinvent their magical systems to adapt to changes in magic, otherwise it would not make sense that after the catastrophe everything would remain the same.

Mullayo
  • Overall Score

World's ending next week - book it!

I was asked to check this out and wasn't expecting too much, but I must say what a premise!

It's not post apocalyptic it's pre apocolyptic... The world we all live in - just the MC has the actual dates and memeries of what happens in the future...

What would you do with a week left till the world fell apart? When values changed overnight. the precious becoming trash and vice versa?

Who would you save? Would they even listen to you? Such and interesting what if...

I'm only three chapters in but I'm intrigued...

cthakur92
  • Overall Score

Proof is in the pudding. Try first 2 chapters.

Loved it. It could use editing, but personally I liked the story enough to ignore the long lines and grammer issues. Proof is in the pudding. Reading first 2 chapters should be enough to let you know if this story is for you.