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Welcome to Loli House.

Victor observed the building in front of him with a mix of astonishment and awe at the sheer audacity. Orknoob’s lair in the Waifu District looked like a giant pink and white dollhouse straight out of a Barbie commercial. He counted at least two floors, with the windows closed for privacy. It contrasted strikingly with the other buildings nearby, which were clearly brothels; if anything, it reinforced the uncanniness of the place.

How did they manage to make something so innocent look so shady?

“Oh, is this a dollhouse for Gorynych?” his zmey asked, hitting the ground with his back leg like a rabbit. “Gorynych loves elf dolls! They’re pretty!”

As he glanced at the wooden doors, Victor strongly considered calling Vainqueur and carpet bombing the place. He couldn’t be seen entering this establishment!

But for the sake of ending Orknoob’s reign of terror, all sacrifices were acceptable. The fomors only killed their victims; Orknoob made them live forever in stupidity.

“We have surrounded the building and cast all the spells you asked for, sir,” a skeletal spellcaster, one of his newest recruits, told Victor.

“[Dimensional Ward]? [Anti-Teleportation]? [Non-Detection]? [Shroud of Misfortune]?”

“Yes, we checked your entire list, and then double-checked it,” the creature somehow sighed, in spite of lacking lungs. “Isn’t it a bit excessive for a single orc?”

“This guy is a malicious Bugs Bunny,” Victor replied. “Can you imagine the number of people who want him dead, and yet never got around to do it? So triple-check!”

The spellcaster rolled his bony shoulders and returned to his post, grumbling about paranoia. “Just stay outside and catch anyone who isn’t me,” Victor told Gorynych. “Especially if it’s an orc!”

“Aw, Gorynych doesn’t like orc dolls! They smell worse than Gorynych’s home!”

Gathering all his courage, his scythe in hands, and his body protected by the best armor in all of Happyland, Victor opened the doors and stepped inside the dollhouse. At least Kia was too devastated by her curse to join and watch this fiasco.

The owners had gone so far as to perfume the entrance hall and paint its walls with flashy colors. Victor approached a desk right next to stairs towards the rooms above, finding a doppelganger behind it.

It wasn’t the first time he met one—having fought a few during the Nightblades’ attack on Murmurin—but this one was slightly different. His body was completely white and featureless, like a statue of white clay, safe for a tie and a red ribbon. The creature immediately waved a hand at him.

“Oh hi, honored guest!” the receptionist spoke, Victor immediately understanding it thanks to [Monster Kin]. “Welcome!”

“I’m just visiting,” Victor said hastily.

“They all say that,” the doppelganger replied with a laugh. “It is fine, client-sama. You are not going to go to jail.”

The doppelganger sounded so nice and yet so sleazy, that it gave Victor shivers. “I’m, I’m just looking for one of your clients, an orc called Orknoob…”

“Mr. Orknoob? How nice! He is one of our best clients, I am so happy that he recommended our establishment to you. You can find him on the second floor, room eight. Do you want the threesome or the ‘Little Sister’ formula then?”

“No, I just want to talk to Orknoob.” And probably kill him. “Then I will leave and never come back.”

“Come on, don’t be shy! You risk nothing.” The doppelganger raised a little bell, a door opening in the wall. Victor hadn’t even noticed it due to the paint work. A new doppelganger stepped into the hall, glancing at Victor, before instantly changing its shape.

“Onii-chan!”

Within seconds, Victor found himself staring at would have looked like his little sister, if he ever had one. A teenage or so tiny creature with long black hair, amber eyes, and a feminine version of the Vizier’s own face. She wore a cute little brown dress that made her even more adorable.

“Onii-chan!” The false little sister smirked at him with big fake eyes. “I love you, onii-chan!”

[Madness] negated by [Claimed by the Moon Man].

 

“What the Happyland is that thing?!” Victor protested.

“As you can see, all our lolis are adult, consenting doppelgangers,” the receptionist said with a cheerful tone. “You can satisfy all your fetishes with a clean conscience, and without violating any law.”

“No, seriously, I’m not interest—”

Onii-chan!” The loli jumped at him like a lion on a zebra. “I’m a virgin!”

Skill check successful!

Victor quickly protected his purity by using his scythe as a pole, keeping the tiny monster away from him. “Don’t approach me!” the Vizier kept the creature at bay, the false little sister trying to find a way to get past the weapon. “I’m telling you if you don’t step back…”

“Girls, a client cannot overcome his psychological blocks.” The receptionist cast a spell, its nice, beautiful voice echoing through the building. “Please come help him ease up with our Moe overload special!”

More hidden doors opened, and a pack of ravenous monsters surrounded Victor.

Dozens of fake, shapeshifting little girls with colored hair entered the hall, each of them catering to a different fetish. A pink-feathered magician girl; a blonde angel looking like a younger version of Miel; a tiny creature with tanuki ears; even a goth!

Victor immediately did the brave thing.

He fled through the nearest stairs, pursued by a pack of false, screaming little girls.

Faster than his pursuers, he reached the first floor of the hotel, long hallways with numbered doors. Some of them opened, doppelgangers trying to flank and jump at him. Using his wings, the Vizier flew over one, pushed another back with his scythe, and raced across the hallway while trying to locate the stairs to the second floor.

“I like mature women!” Victor shouted while dodging the doppelgangers, his training bearing fruits. Unfortunately, he quickly found himself surrounded in a T-shaped hallway.

“Onii-chan, I’m one hundred years old!” a girl with long green hair shouted, dressed like some ancient priestess. “That makes it okay!”

“[Ars Goetia: Happyland Battle Harem]!”

A group of mature succubi, marilith, and Malfy appeared to shield him from the enemy horde. “Sir, what—”

“No time, protect me!” Victor ordered one of the marilith, as one of the succubi was tackled to the ground by five doppelgangers. His summons immediately formed a defensive battle line, keeping the teenage-looking monsters at bay.

“Wow,” said Malfy, as he glanced at the enemy and instantly put the two and two together. “Even we didn’t go this far! I am impressed!”

“Why are you even here?” Victor asked, trying to find an opening.

“You summoned me, Mr. Victor. When a hero calls, I answer.”

Victor remembered Vainqueur boasting about a new Perk of his improving the summoning ability among his minions. Nice.

He remembered using [Black Horseman] to summon Noirceur the horse without an additional freerider though. Did it only work if he had another minion that fit the same category as the one called?

Also, why was Malfy summoned by a demon harem spell?

“Questions for later,” Victor spoke out loud, locating the stairs to the second level, leaping over the battleline, and leaving his soldiers to contain the doppelgangers flood. He quickly found the door of room eight, opened it, closed it behind him, then barricaded it with his scythe without looking back. Furious tiny hands scratched on the other side, but couldn’t get in.

This place needed to be burnt to the ground.

“Hey, it’s a private gathering!”

Victor turned around, finally meeting Orknoob face to face.

He looked exactly as the Vizier had imagined; a skinny, green-skinned orc with short red hair, wearing the standard Japanese novel attire of pants and a sweatshirt. A silver-haired loli with crimson eyes had tied him to a chair, sitting on his lap like some twisted hostage interrogation scene.

“Onii-ch—”

“[Sleep],” the Vizier immediately cast a spell, the fake loli falling unconscious to the ground. Crisis averted. “[Chains of Misfortune].”

Fiery chains bound Orknoob, making the orc moan in a way that bothered Victor.

The Vizier quickly scanned the area with a glance, identifying it as an expensively decorated bedroom. Besides Orknoob and the unconscious doppelganger, a dashing rogue sat around a table in a corner, looking at the scene with apathy and a glass of wine in hand. A dandy with hair and a short beard dyed red, the man dressed in an outrageous, feathered costume that wouldn’t disgrace a peacock.

“What’s happening here?” Victor asked, asking the dandy for his angle.

“I don’t know,” he replied in common while sipping his wine. “I’m hanging out with that trash because he paid me to.”

“You aren’t going to interfere?”

“No.”

Great.

On a closer look, it appeared that Orknoob and his host were busy reenacting a scene from some kind of manga or anime…

“After careful consideration, I don’t want to know,” the Vizier said, moving in front of the captive orc.

“Oh, you’re approaching me?” Orknoob asked, immediately sending terrible alarm signals. He sounded awfully calm and confident for someone bound to a chair.

“So we finally meet, Orknoob,” said Victor. “You can’t imagine how long I waited for this moment.”

“You’re a fan? You know it isn’t the first time I get chained by an admirer, but you’re the first to look like Momon!”

Victor didn’t understand the reference and didn’t care. “A fan,” the Vizier replied icily. “Yeah, you could say that.”

“Well then, you got lucky! Since my powers are at their maximum on this waifu day, if you donate me three thousand gold coins, I can send you to America, where all women are cowgirls!”

Victor removed his gauntlet, revealing the Moon Man’s mark on his left arm.

“Oh,” Orknoob said, realizing that Victor came from Earth too. “Oh… Sayonara then!”

You activated Orknoob’s [Spell Trap]!

 

Instant casting of the spells: [Accelerated Teleportation], [Help Signal], [Summon Planar Bodyguards].

 

Teleportation negated. Signal countered by [Non-Detection]. Summoning spell bounced back.

“Ah, I see you came prepared,” Orknoob said with a cheeky smile, as he tried to free himself. “Nice try.”

He struggled against the chains, expecting them to drop...

But they didn’t.

“Ugh!” Orknoob struggled against the chains. “Why? Why are they holding?”

“Paralysis from [Chains of Misfortune] cannot be negated by items nor Skill checks,” the dandy observed lazily, while Victor moved behind the orc to remove all his magical gear. “You need to succeed on a Luck check.”

“Damn!”

Thankfully, adventurers rarely buffed their Luck.

As Victor had expected, Orknoob had a wealth of magical items on himself. Two [Rings of Skill Boosting], one [Ring of Emergency Teleport], one [Brooch of Free Movement], [Hastened Shoes], a [Belt of Perfect Disguise], [Bracers of Improved Bluff], and a [Mini-Circlet against Greater Divinations]. A short magical examination also indicated a miniaturized [Magical Rope of the Escape Artist] hidden in his ass.

No wonder nobody else caught him before. Victor felt glad to have attended that [Ultimate Jail Security] seminar at Scholomance.

“What’s your name?” he asked the prisoner.

“Orknoob!”

“No. What’s your real name? Your Earth name?”

“... Timmy,” he said, sounding ashamed.

“Why, Timmy?” Victor couldn’t help but ask. “Why, Orknoob?”

“Because you have to be gay to play with the Alliance!”

Victor slapped that homophobic Horde-scum right in the face.

“You hit me!” Orknoob complained, reciting a script. “Even my father never hit me!”

Victor slapped him again.

“Begone, thot!” Orknoob giggled as if he enjoyed it.

“Stop talking like that!” Victor snarled, slapping him for the third time while the nameless dandy watched on with mild curiosity. By the Dread Three, the orc was even worse in person than in the Vizier’s imagination! It felt dirty to touch him!

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop!” Orknoob pleaded as Victor prepared to hit him again, the Vizier holding his hand back at the last second. “Is this about the lolis?”

“I don’t give a damn about the lolis! Even if I’m burning this place to cinders when we’re done, and salt the earth afterward.” Frankly, sleeping with fiends probably trumped that particular fetish. Victor couldn’t really criticize Orknoob on that front. Everything else, however…

“What do you want then? A refund?”

“Let’s start with answers. Why did you spread all those stupid lies?”

“Man, you don’t get it! This world sucks!” Orknoob complained, the wording giving Victor flashbacks of his early years. “I was just living my life when that giant dice reincarnated me among the orc tribes! They were all stupid and insane!”

“So you invented a scam religion? Where is the logic in that?”

“It was an accident alright! I told them about Earth and they were stupid, so I figured I could make some money out of the donations and sleep with lots of gullible girls… All according to—”

“If you say ‘all according to Keikaku,’ I’ll strangle you with my bare hands.” Indeed, as Victor suspected, it was all an ignominious scam. He didn’t even believe in his own farce, making Victor’s own insurance fraud look saintly in comparison. “Can you imagine the number of times your followers harassed me? You give every Claimed a bad name, and your scam defrauds innocent people!”

“Look, I, I died in the throes of a midlife crisis, it wasn’t my fault!” The wretch attempted to appeal to Victor’s sympathy, but it didn’t work. At all. And since neither magical escape nor sympathy could help, he moved right down to bribes. “I dodged taxes all my life, I can pay you a lot if you let me go!”

Victor just glared at this humongous pile of shit, before casting a quick [Silence] spell on him. He didn’t have ground to pass a moral judgment on that hateable orc, but getting rid of him would feel so good.

“What are you going to do with him?” the nameless dandy asked, as Orknoob kept begging silently.

“Shove him in a dwarf rocket and exile him to the Moon. Or maybe Mars.”

The man raised an eyebrow, vaguely interested, before offering him a glass of his own. Victor politely declined. “Who are you anyway?” the Vizier asked.

“Ludvic Van.”

The name jogged some memory, with Victor remembering Henry’s old advice about class specialization, an eon ago. “Wait, you’re the one who discovered the [Fiendish Rake] class?”

“Alongside [Red Mage], all the seduction-oriented Perks, and most diplomacy oriented classes. Orknoob hired me to coach him in persuasion and pick-up, although the current setup is entirely his idea; I hate this place as much as you do.”

“You’re an expert on the [Seducer] Perk?” Victor asked, happy to have someone to discuss it with.

“[Seducer]?” the dandy chuckled. “That’s cute. In my life, I have slept with twenty thousand women, fifteen thousand men, and one thousand two hundred genderless creatures. I have bedded creatures from all species of Outremonde, visited all available planes of existence, tried everyone and everything. I even wore a [Belt of Gender Swapping] for five years, to experience love from both sides of the fence.”

“You did… everyone?”

Except the creatures of this house. Even I have standards, unlike the orc.”

“Sorry, but you don’t seem that attractive to me.”

Ludvic Van put his glass away, then showed a ruby necklace around his neck. “This is an [Amulet of Repulsiveness],” the dandy explained. “It reduces the wearer’s charisma by eighty percent.”

He took it off.

Charisma check failed!

 

All went white.

It was as if a bomb had exploded right before Victor, blinding and deafening him for several seconds. When he returned to reality, the dandy had put the amulet back on, while Orknoob had started drooling, his pants soiled and a blissful smile on his face.

“You’re still standing?” Ludvic said, sounding impressed. “You must have an iron will.”

“How… how many?” Victor asked, astonished.

“More than three hundred. I only took levels in classes with S in charisma, used stat boosters, collected every Perk available… Without that amulet, I can no longer function in society.”

“Werewolves?”

“Their moon orgies got boring after the first. Also, they have fleas.”

“Angels?”

He simply laughed.

“... dragons?”

His face clearly darkened. “I seriously don’t recommend it. They’re only after your money, and they charge a fortune for the privilege.”

“I feel like a naive young student meeting the master.”

“You’re goddamn right.”

“Why do you sound so… so bored then?” Victor asked, frowning. He had stated his incredible feats with complete emotionless detachment.

“I have nothing left to discover,” he sighed. “That’s sad to say, but you get tired of everything. I yearn for new interesting challenges, wandering the world in case I missed something...”

“Like telepathic spiders?”

The dandy raised an eyebrow. “How many legs?”

“Ten.”

He shifted on his chair. “I’m listening.”

“Moonbeasts? Shantaks? Star Spawns of Cthulhu?”

“You had my interest... but now you have my arousal.”

As Victor thought, he may have explored all of Outremonde and the planes, but not everything. And he had even fewer standards than the Vizier himself. “I can send you to the Moon. Not the Orknoob way. We have a portal there for guests, with a carpet.”

“And what would I have to pay for this service?”

“You said you had visited the planes? Heaven?”

Ludvic nodded slowly, every movement suddenly oozing sex appeal. “Yes, you can easily planeshift with the [Fiendish Rake] class. That’s its purpose, to visit partners from all corners of the multiverse; one cannot limit their pleasure to three-dimensional existence. I can teach you that class if you wish, but I have to ask: for what purpose?”

“First, I need to go to Heaven. There’s an angel I need to apologize to, and I would like to do it in person. Second, I have died three times already, and I would like a way to talk my way out of confrontations. I figure increasing my charisma is the way to go.”

The dandy played with his beard, considering his words. “Do you have fifty or more points in vitality, charisma, and agility?”

“Yes.”

“Did you have ritual sex with a demon lord?”

“Only for better grades.”

“Then you should have everything to gain a level in that class, but I must warn you… the way of the [Fiendish Rake] is long and arduous. You will need to go through deadly ordeals, and even with your current stats, there is no guarantee that you will survive. Is your quest truly worth the trouble?”

“It is.” Victor knelt before this paragon of seduction, while Orknoob drooled and the loli knocked the door in the background. “Please teach me, master.”

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A note from Void Herald

Malfy is the hidden route. 

Also, I have nothing against the Alliance. Orknoob is just an ass. 

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About the author

Void Herald

Bio: I'm a European warlock living in the distant realm known as France, spending half my time writing and the other half managing magical websites.

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