Exalted Warlock

by abdirahman

Original ONGOING Action Adventure Fantasy Tragedy Harem High Fantasy LitRPG Magic Martial Arts Reincarnation Ruling Class
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity
  • Sexual Content

Magnus Tempest was a young man back on Earth, filled with hopes and dreams. That is until everything that tied him to Earth was taken and destroyed.

One night tormented with grief and contemplating dark thoughts. He stumbled upon a mysterious black gem-like shard, that whisked him away to another world called, Pandora.

A world part of the vast stage of the Known Cosmos.

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3 chapter (3,000+ words a chapter) a week. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday!

Please be advised this is a slow burn, so if you do not like novels that go at a leisurely pace, then do not complain later. I have stated it right here and right now.

Also, constructive criticism and feedback are always welcomed!

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Advance Chapters:https://www.patreon.com/Abdirah

Support Channel:https://ko-fi.com/Abdirah

Line Of Communication:https://discord.gg/4SRPMpg

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abdirahman

abdirahman

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Word Count (12)
150 Comments
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15 Reviews
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Table of Contents
Chapter Name Release Date
[Book 1] (Arc 1) Prologue: The World Tree ago
Chapter 1: Auto Shop ago
Chapter 2: Hospital Visit ago
Chapter 3: Last Chat with Mother ago
Chapter 4: Clade Bar ago
Chapter 5: Bar Squabble ago
Chapter 6: News ago
Chapter 7: Funeral ago
Chapter 8: Chase ago
Chapter 9: Murderer ago
Chapter 10: Whisked away (End of Arc 1) ago
(Arc 2) Chapter 1: Street Rat ago
Chapter 2: Exastrand ago
Chapter 3: Bluebird Orphanage ago
Chapter 4: Bad Prospects ago
Chapter 5: Thieving ago
Chapter 6: Financial Woes ago
Chapter 7: Inspector ago
Chapter 8: A True Band of Thieves ago
Chapter 9: Physical Stats ago
Chapter 10: Techniques ago
Chapter 11: Afterthoughts ago
Chapter 12: Message of Light ago
Chapter 13: Training Pt.1 ago
Chapter 14: Training Pt.2 ago
Chapter 15: Priest's Belonging ago
Chapter 16: Bad for the Mind ago
Chapter 17: Mental Stats ago
Chapter 18: Perception check ago
Chapter 19: Monsters in Human Skins ago
Chapter 20: Error Code ago
Chapter 21: Sorcery Tongue ago
Chapter 22: Nightmare ago
Chapter 23: Infamous Menace ago
Chapter 24: Choices ago
Chapter 25: Gladiatorial Fights ago
Chapter 26: Pendant ago
Chapter 27: Liontooth ago
Chapter 28: Decision made (End of Arc 2) ago
(Arc 3) Chapter 1: The Passing of Time ago
Chapter 2: The Plan ago
Chapter 3: Going In ago
Chapter 4: Weak Points ago
Chapter 5: DIY Bomb ago

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Lutra777
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Easy to follow story with some style and grammar fixes necessary...

Reviewed at: Chapter 6: News

First the good part:

This story is easy to follow: there's only one main character (so far) and the events build a picture of who this person is.

But some comments:

Unfortunately the shifting narration style (is it second person? third person? at least first person wasn't thrown in there too) and some missing words disrupt the flow of the reading, even if it doesn't disrupt the story itself.

It would easily be a higher rated story if the grammar was fixed and the narration style was unified - presumably to third person. 

The dialog is also more along the lines of how people think versus how they actually talk. The characters are often "saying too much"; the lines could be cut down to more natural exchanges.

Anthezar
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Massive editing will reveal how wonderful this story is...

Reviewed at: Chapter 8: Chase

Review given after finishing chapter eight.

 

STYLE:

I can see the style amidst the grammar issues (will talk more on this below) and I think it’s great. It’s raw, yes. Very raw, but I can see and it has fantastic potential. I know some reviewers have mentioned that it switches to the second tense and that technically is true; however, it’s more reminiscent of the fourth wall being broken. Whether or not this is intentional is another duck, but I’ve read works that have done this and it can be funny. It has a quirky feel to it. It’s different. I like it.

STORY:

There’s a lot of fluff and that’s not a bad thing, per se. I understand this has been stated in the description, but I feel there’s a lot that can be improved upon. The prologue set up some things that had me excited. I was wondering about it and was drawn to the concept of the giant world tree. But then the story ambles along with Magnus, never returning to the enormous tree. Perhaps removing the prologue altogether might be best. Like I said, the slow slice of life pace isn’t bad – I write a lot of that in my stories as well – but I wish the dialogue and prose had more foreshadowing within it. I love fluff and I love writing it, but it also needs to work harder to justify its presence on the page. 

Nonetheless, I’ve enjoyed the story so far and I think it has great potential.

GRAMMAR:

Here’s where most of the issues lie, unfortunately. I hate giving it three stars, but this needs work. It doesn’t feel edited, only a first draft – because of this, it feels clunky and unpolished. I would advise tightening the exposition and dialogue. Find your style in it. There’s a lot there, but it’s encumbered by a lot of unnecessary words in the prose. There are also a lot of problems, namely: punctuation, grammar, tense changes from present to past, and plenty of typos. I would study punctuation, mainly the Oxford comma. There are TONS of commas in all the wrong places and not enough in the right places. Less commas, I beg of you. xD

Spending some extra time editing everything would make this far better, amazing even. Writing is 25% putting words down and 75,000% editing. Editing is where you, the writer, find your gems. You polish your work and find some truly amazing things. Please never skip this important process of writing and storytelling. This is where you truly learn how to write.

CHARACTER:

I love Codex. I love her. Anything sassy comes to life really easily, but Codex has won a place in top hilarity. Magnus is interesting, but he shines brighter when he’s bantering with Codex. The characters are fun, full of personality, and life. I can push through any problems in a story so long as the characters come alive off the page. This story has that for me. Ah, Codex. Now she’s amazing and wonderful. She’s hilarious. Did I mention I love Codex?

OVERALL:

Anything worthwhile requires work. This story is interesting and wonderful. It has immense potential. Yes, it needs work. But I’ve still enjoyed it. I would definitely keep on writing this story, Author. You have something lovely here and I look forward to seeing how you improve with time.

Mount Tai Unleashed
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[REVIEW AS OF (ARC 2) CHAPTER 3: BLUEBIRD ORPHANAGE]

 

Characters: 4.0

Magnus has the foundations to be a great protagonist considering the challenges he faced on the alternate earth though his experiences during that time could have been a little more fleshed out like what is suggested by ANTHEZAR in one of her comments where he could have had a chapter focusing on the after effects of his 'loss'.

Codex does a fairly good job at guiding Magnus and relieving his inner doubts, she's his emotional anchor I think, in a way. Though she does have her problems as she makes her fair share of illogical choices like when she called the police.

Michael, the first antogonist of the story. He was alright in his role until chapter 10 where he did a complete flip from what was shown previously from his character....sorry bro but I don't buy it, it made me roll my eyes when he said that he wouldn't be like his brother when he had been acting pretty homocidal before.

You need to tone down his murderousness and make him more of a bully if you want his change of heart to be more believable.

I don't have much to say on the side characters but from their brief screen time, they were well crafted and didn't feel out of place in the story.

 

Story: 4.5

The story was intriguing up until the last updated chapter so it is consistent in it's quality and the cliffhangers are quite well done. The alternate earth was especially interesting to me and I would like to see it revisited in the future. *wink*wink

 

Style: 4.0

Parts where "You" is used as if the narrator was talking to the reader needs to cut, other than that; the story flowed well and the dialogue was not awkward which is a huge plus!

 

Grammar: 3.0

The elephant in the room. It isn't so bad that it distracts from the story, at least not for me and I'm your average joe so I don't mind a few mistakes but it could be better!

You need to comb over it carefully when you go back and re-edit your chapters author :)

 

Overall: 4.0

A great first start to a story that'll draw in the reader with promising future prospects!

Author when you go back and re-edit, fix the grammar mistakes, iron out the creases this could easily be 4.5.

Oddmar
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The story has a lot of potential, the MC is three dimensional and believable, and the author provides plenty of detail without overdoing it on the descriptions.

The only things working against it, in my opinion, is that the first couple of chapters are a bit info-dumpy. A lot of stuff gets thrown at you all at once and a lot of it becomes useless after a plot twist not long after you get it. The grammar needs work as well. Don't get me wrong, it's far from the worst on here, it just suffers from an overabundance of commas and some wrong/missing words from time to time that make reading it more difficult than it should be.

jpat1988
  • Overall Score

Might be a good idea but...

Reviewed at: Chapter 4: Clade Bar

Liked the idea. But I am thinking that english isnt the authors first language and he needs to find a good proof reader because whats currently available is terribly difficult to follow. The author uses slang from multiple regions and messes up the spelling for the slang so you have to guess what is meant. Waste of time.

Thedude3445
  • Overall Score

Interesting Premise (Maybe), Marred by Writing Problems

Reviewed at: Chapter 4: Tempest Bar

This story is a decent sci-fi premise set in a somewhat-near future world, complete with AI assistants following you around and cyberpunk bars to hang out in. The story's... not really gone anywhere yet so far, but the setup has some mechas and everyone likes mechas. However, so far, we are also given a lot of writing that is kind of hard to get through, with lots of grammar and syntax errors. It's better in the most recent chapter though.

One thing that worries me is the plot synopsis and the prologue... For all of this sci-fi worldbuilding, this almost seems like, 50 pages in, this is all prologue for some fantasy isekai harem story and the sci-fi slice-of-life kind of world is going to disappear in a few chapters. As someone who would like to see a more diverse use of genre on this website, I hope I'm wrong about this!

Mind sentience
  • Overall Score

Story has some good potential. It's flows pretty well and reads just as good. It might have some flaws here and there, but it's definitely a gem to keep an eye on.

Evanar
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The general story & setting is what shows promise, with a few bits that can really draw you in.

But that's about it. The main character is one of the more frustrating parts. When you list everything about him, you should come out with a pretty interesting character. However with everything that happens and the way it's written, he still manages to come off as a whiny brat.

The introductionary  'arc' has way too much happen for a simple introduction and is too long. So either it needs to loop back to that world, or the story spent way too much time on characters that do not matter.

The story goes for emotional stuff, but after ending up in another world, time is skipped and only later you get a few throwaway lines on what happened when he arrived.

He's been having nightmares, but not about his mother who was brutally murdered and who's funeral got stomped on. No, about the random people who've been close to getting him killed themselves. 

Some the writing falls flat or fails to deliver the intended message in a meaningful way. When trying to describe a woman that really screwed him over, he calls her 'the Bitchiest bitch of bitches'. Which feels like something a child would say and jarring with the seriousness of the relevant paragragh.

So far the lead character also feels like too much like a victim, reacting to things and running about, chasing at the tails of solution.

Sigurd
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Editing could make this a gem

Reviewed at: Chapter 8: Chase

Style: 4

Paragraphs, wording and dialogue structure are done correctly for the most part (albeit not always). I don't really get if the story was originally indended to be presented like a diary (chapter two brings up a date of the events, then it never does it again) or if it's just a way to introduce the reader to the time of the setting. Also, pasting links into the main text is something that should never be done. There are spaces at the top and bottom just for that. It's properly done after chapter one, but for this to be a proper review I have to say that everything looks a bit like a draft.

Grammar: 3

The author uses a very simple English. It's not a bad thing per se, given the fact that it's probably not a first language for him, but can definitely scare away most readers. Tenses are mostly ok, but punctuation is sometimes misused and there are many, many repetitions. Really needs an edit as soon as possible. A pity.

Story: 4,5

Easily the best part of this work. The vivid landscapes of this fantasy space opera are crafted expertly and manage to stick into the mind of the reader even with the so-so writing. Without spoiling anything, I really like the premise of what's happening on Earth in this fictional future. Bonus points for how the author builds up tension and relief in the scenes. Very good.

Characters: 4

Magnus is an effective protagonist, surrounded by a secondary cast that never gets too elaborate. It's a good thing because it takes a short time to get used to the new characters each time they are presented but might make the story a little predictable on the long run. I will give this section the benefit of the doubt, because it's still very early to tell.

Overall: 4

Give it a read, it might surprise you. Even while the grammar could use some love, it's definitely an interesting story. I hope the author fixes the issues, it has potential!

 

Tsasco108
  • Overall Score

A Huge Universe, Observe For The Growth Of A Tree

The author has a unique way of describing not only characters but the soon to be many -I'm sure- locals (the pictures linked accordingly really help). His descriptions are simple yet they imply a lot. While some may crave more detail, I believe the author says more than enough. The story has the potential to go just about anywhere. Whether you like Sci-Fi or Magic, I'm sure if you stick around this tree can grow just about anywhere.