Exalted Warlock

by abdirahman

Original ONGOING Action Adventure Fantasy Tragedy Dungeon Grimdark Harem High Fantasy LitRPG Magic Male Lead Martial Arts Multiple Lead Characters Mythos Reader interactive Reincarnation Ruling Class School Life Steampunk Strategy Strong Lead Supernatural War and Military
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity
  • Sexual Content

Magnus Tempest was a young man back on Earth, filled with hopes and dreams. That is until everything that tied him to Earth was taken and destroyed.

One night tormented with grief and contemplating dark thoughts. He stumbled upon a mysterious black gem-like shard, that whisked him away to another world called, Pandora.

A world part of the vast stage of the Known Cosmos.
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1~2 chapter (3,000+ words a chapter) a week. On Saturday, and maybe Sunday if I have time.

Please be advised this is a slow burn, so if you do not like novels that go at a leisurely pace, then do not complain later. I have stated it right here and right now.

Also, constructive criticism and feedback are always welcomed!
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Advance Chapters:
https://www.patreon.com/Abdirah

Support Channel:
https://ko-fi.com/Abdirah

Line Of Communication:
https://discord.gg/4SRPMpg

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abdirahman

abdirahman

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Lutra777
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Easy to follow story with some style and grammar fixes necessary...

First the good part:

This story is easy to follow: there's only one main character (so far) and the events build a picture of who this person is.

But some comments:

Unfortunately the shifting narration style (is it second person? third person? at least first person wasn't thrown in there too) and some missing words disrupt the flow of the reading, even if it doesn't disrupt the story itself.

It would easily be a higher rated story if the grammar was fixed and the narration style was unified - presumably to third person. 

The dialog is also more along the lines of how people think versus how they actually talk. The characters are often "saying too much"; the lines could be cut down to more natural exchanges.

Jordan Stufflebeam
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Great Start, Excited Whats to Come

For this being such a new story and me only to be able to read the first three post, I still wanted to give a full review. (But will update review as more is posted.) It was overall a rather interesting idea. The one thing I really liked that the author did was attach visuals to the end of the chapters to help us see what he was seeing. 

Some of the visions the author wanted us to see are pretty dang difficult to properly show, but he does a good job. Some of the character descriptions are sometimes dry and take away from the story a little but that can easily be fixed. I generally prefer when they are described through the main characters perspective but this is still well done.

Overall, I love the uniqueness of this adventure, getting to venture to a new world where you have to survive and grow. The book cover was a little off putting but dont let that take you away from the gold that is in this story. I am excited to see where this will go!

Give it a read and a follow and you will be happy you did!

Zachary Dugas
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Currently there are only three chapters of this novel posted,however those three chapters are intriguing to say the least. I am not normally a fan of a normal person going to a different world sort of story or isaki as it has been popularized by anime(I do like a few like the destiny’s crucible series and a yankee in King Arthur’s court or even a princess of mars) this one so far however has kept my attention and I like the three chapters he has posted so far.

 

this has a high fantasy feel to it, and while we don’t know much of anything about the magic system in place personally I hope the author decides to go with a hard magic system(ala Brandon Sanderson) and not a soft magic system.

now I have explained this in other reviews so I am just going to copy and paste that part so I don’t have to write it again.

Soft magic is like Gandalf’s magic, where the rules are never explained and most of the time you don’t even know if it really is magic(like when he summons the eagles or when he saves the day at helms deep) now this adds a sense of wonder to the book but can also get tiresome as it allows all problems(or most) to be solved  through the use of magic as some new spell is found to save the day or whatever. 

Hard magic on the other hand is like the one ring, it has rules, it always does the same thing(Frodo puts it on and turns invisible, but also gets spotted by the eye of Sauron) this allows the author to use it in unique and clever ways but more importantly allows the magic to have flaws. Flaws are always more interesting than the magic itself, and I believe no action should not have some sort of backlash. Now I know this is just my taste but I think you should set down some ground rules and make this a hard magic system. Brandon Sanderson has some excellent lecture on the matter just look it up on YouTube (he is after all a prolific writer and the author of the storm light archives so he would know) hard magic is just so much more satisfying as the reader can puzzle things out logically and you can resolve things in a satisfying way that doesn’t feel cheep where as a soft magic system could cause this.

But that is just my opinion, I like the slow progress it is something I do in my own novel and I think it leads to a better product in the end.

i gave most of these 4 star marks as I did not have much to go on but I will raise or lower them as you post more chapters and I get to know the world and characters better.

thanks for the read, and keep up the good work.

Tsasco108
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A Huge Universe, Observe For The Growth Of A Tree

The author has a unique way of describing not only characters but the soon to be many -I'm sure- locals (the pictures linked accordingly really help). His descriptions are simple yet they imply a lot. While some may crave more detail, I believe the author says more than enough. The story has the potential to go just about anywhere. Whether you like Sci-Fi or Magic, I'm sure if you stick around this tree can grow just about anywhere. 

Thedude3445
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Interesting Premise (Maybe), Marred by Writing Problems

This story is a decent sci-fi premise set in a somewhat-near future world, complete with AI assistants following you around and cyberpunk bars to hang out in. The story's... not really gone anywhere yet so far, but the setup has some mechas and everyone likes mechas. However, so far, we are also given a lot of writing that is kind of hard to get through, with lots of grammar and syntax errors. It's better in the most recent chapter though.

One thing that worries me is the plot synopsis and the prologue... For all of this sci-fi worldbuilding, this almost seems like, 50 pages in, this is all prologue for some fantasy isekai harem story and the sci-fi slice-of-life kind of world is going to disappear in a few chapters. As someone who would like to see a more diverse use of genre on this website, I hope I'm wrong about this!

Sigurd
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Editing could make this a gem

Style: 4

Paragraphs, wording and dialogue structure are done correctly for the most part (albeit not always). I don't really get if the story was originally indended to be presented like a diary (chapter two brings up a date of the events, then it never does it again) or if it's just a way to introduce the reader to the time of the setting. Also, pasting links into the main text is something that should never be done. There are spaces at the top and bottom just for that. It's properly done after chapter one, but for this to be a proper review I have to say that everything looks a bit like a draft.

Grammar: 3

The author uses a very simple English. It's not a bad thing per se, given the fact that it's probably not a first language for him, but can definitely scare away most readers. Tenses are mostly ok, but punctuation is sometimes misused and there are many, many repetitions. Really needs an edit as soon as possible. A pity.

Story: 4,5

Easily the best part of this work. The vivid landscapes of this fantasy space opera are crafted expertly and manage to stick into the mind of the reader even with the so-so writing. Without spoiling anything, I really like the premise of what's happening on Earth in this fictional future. Bonus points for how the author builds up tension and relief in the scenes. Very good.

Characters: 4

Magnus is an effective protagonist, surrounded by a secondary cast that never gets too elaborate. It's a good thing because it takes a short time to get used to the new characters each time they are presented but might make the story a little predictable on the long run. I will give this section the benefit of the doubt, because it's still very early to tell.

Overall: 4

Give it a read, it might surprise you. Even while the grammar could use some love, it's definitely an interesting story. I hope the author fixes the issues, it has potential!

 

Anthezar
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Massive editing will reveal how wonderful this story is...

Review given after finishing chapter eight.

 

STYLE:

I can see the style amidst the grammar issues (will talk more on this below) and I think it’s great. It’s raw, yes. Very raw, but I can see and it has fantastic potential. I know some reviewers have mentioned that it switches to the second tense and that technically is true; however, it’s more reminiscent of the fourth wall being broken. Whether or not this is intentional is another duck, but I’ve read works that have done this and it can be funny. It has a quirky feel to it. It’s different. I like it.

STORY:

There’s a lot of fluff and that’s not a bad thing, per se. I understand this has been stated in the description, but I feel there’s a lot that can be improved upon. The prologue set up some things that had me excited. I was wondering about it and was drawn to the concept of the giant world tree. But then the story ambles along with Magnus, never returning to the enormous tree. Perhaps removing the prologue altogether might be best. Like I said, the slow slice of life pace isn’t bad – I write a lot of that in my stories as well – but I wish the dialogue and prose had more foreshadowing within it. I love fluff and I love writing it, but it also needs to work harder to justify its presence on the page. 

Nonetheless, I’ve enjoyed the story so far and I think it has great potential.

GRAMMAR:

Here’s where most of the issues lie, unfortunately. I hate giving it three stars, but this needs work. It doesn’t feel edited, only a first draft – because of this, it feels clunky and unpolished. I would advise tightening the exposition and dialogue. Find your style in it. There’s a lot there, but it’s encumbered by a lot of unnecessary words in the prose. There are also a lot of problems, namely: punctuation, grammar, tense changes from present to past, and plenty of typos. I would study punctuation, mainly the Oxford comma. There are TONS of commas in all the wrong places and not enough in the right places. Less commas, I beg of you. xD

Spending some extra time editing everything would make this far better, amazing even. Writing is 25% putting words down and 75,000% editing. Editing is where you, the writer, find your gems. You polish your work and find some truly amazing things. Please never skip this important process of writing and storytelling. This is where you truly learn how to write.

CHARACTER:

I love Codex. I love her. Anything sassy comes to life really easily, but Codex has won a place in top hilarity. Magnus is interesting, but he shines brighter when he’s bantering with Codex. The characters are fun, full of personality, and life. I can push through any problems in a story so long as the characters come alive off the page. This story has that for me. Ah, Codex. Now she’s amazing and wonderful. She’s hilarious. Did I mention I love Codex?

OVERALL:

Anything worthwhile requires work. This story is interesting and wonderful. It has immense potential. Yes, it needs work. But I’ve still enjoyed it. I would definitely keep on writing this story, Author. You have something lovely here and I look forward to seeing how you improve with time.

Mind sentience
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Story has some good potential. It's flows pretty well and reads just as good. It might have some flaws here and there, but it's definitely a gem to keep an eye on.

TimothyMcGowen
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If not for the style and grammar..

Overall: I like the idea. I feel like if you can overlook the strange style of narration and many grammar mistakes and misused words you will enjoy the story. After three chapters it became hard to read, so I came back later. I made my way through it all ( 10 Chapters currently ) but the style really grated my senses. 

Style: I took two stars off because it just felt like little thought was given to style. You have a strong story and if you make a choice in how you'd like to tell it and take your time it would be awesome!

Story: Full marks, I enjoyed the ideas behind the words.

Grammar: Yikes, so I am not a grammar nazi and far from perfect myself, but it was noticeable. I think if you would take some time and re-read before posting you could avoid 90% of the misused words.

Character: Your characters seemed real enough for me. 

CherShootX
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Great Potential, must see further

I don't know if it was just me or I feel that the story set a little too back from where it should be. But how it was set up at the prologue and the first chapter was attractive enough.

But overall is good, some grammar problem here and there but who's free from it?

The style's sometime inconsistence but already good.

Character are told descriptively so it was clear for anyone how to imagine it.

Although the amount of chapter for now is still a bit lacking for me to know further.