Girl with the Golden Eyes

by A s h e s

Original ONGOING Action Adventure Fantasy Anti-Hero Lead Female Lead Grimdark High Fantasy Magic Multiple Lead Characters Non-Human lead Portal Fantasy / Isekai Strong Lead
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity
  • Sexual Content
  • Traumatising content

 Character art by :

 https://instagram.com/mandytsune?igshid=35xz7dtxf3ve

NOTE GOING FORWARD-

I am in no way a professional writer, nor someone who has a higher education. I just love to write. This story is constantly shifting as i try to flesh out the story. I learn by doing, and i do hope you enjoy it 

Cyril was the sole child of an international power couple Edward and Madin. Become of interfamily fighting, Cyril was horribly injured and had to remain in a coma because of the pain she felt when she was awake. Eventually, they found that she could connect with their family via technology that such as Full Dive Technology that captured the nerve signals. Years go by and her father had created a virtual game around her, but her body eventually fails and she chooses to end her life while she was still her. 

However, life deemed that she would get a second chance to live and she gets reincarnated in the world she and her parents created - 5,000 years later...

  • Overall Score
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  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
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A s h e s

A s h e s

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71M073J
  • Overall Score

Two chapters.

That's apparently how much of a story you need to bring someone to tears. Starts a bit awkwardly - In Medias Res - but that hints to a well prepared prologue. 

This story, while as of writing this (after rewrite) only 2 chapters, has some serious potential. Here's to keeping it amazing!

FlavorTown
  • Overall Score

Needs some editing, but the fact that those damned ninjas started cutting onions on the second chapter gives me extremly high hopes for this!

Yabint
  • Overall Score

Lots of potential, but needs an editor

I'm enjoying the premise of this story and look forward to seeing where A s h e s takes us with their vision. The descriptions are good however the story lacks in how it flows, there is a lot of word repitition and sometimes it feels that sentences are moved acound in paragraphs without the author going back to the beginning to ensure that the final draft has a natural cadence. 

As others have said, this work would greatly benefit from a second pair of eyes going over it. 

raycantwo
  • Overall Score

hope it dosen't restart again

interesting storry. the author has restarted this story 3-4 times already but it is still worth reading

Quantum_Mechanic
  • Overall Score

Needs an edit pass or 3.

edit: dropped my scoring, dropping the story. Editing needs persist, story has devolved somewhat into a convoluted mess of generic tropes some without clear logical basis.

Author has said there will be a rewrite, we'll see more then perhaps.

 

Original review:

 Just read the first chapter, I'll probably continue to read chapters unless this gets truly atrocious.

This needs what my review title says, editing. There are places with missing, wrong, and redundant words throughout, not necessarily mispelled. I don't think the grammar is off but running this through grammarly would probably catch most errors.

The story such that is in the first chapter is basic with, thus far, cardboard characters with a lofty backstory. It's middle grade-school quality stuff in my opinion.

That said, heartstrings are tweaked at the implied coming tragedy.

 

Milanda
  • Overall Score

An amusing story despite dark tones

It’s an odd mix of dark/depressing and overpowered and whimsical. While the world itself is very gritty (and sexual assault is the common marker of an evil noble) and dark, it still has a lot of positive moments. The MC is unapologetically Overpowered and the world seems intriguing through her eyes, new and alive and full of potential.

 

I’m hoping to see a lot less of the dark and gritty and a lot more of the wrecking everything for fun. But only time will tell.