Echoes of Esamir

by zdkazz

Original HIATUS Adventure Fantasy Historical Romance Low Fantasy Magic Male Lead Mythos
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity

The road is long, often dangerous, and almost always lonely.  Yoseif this well, as a knight errant he spends his days wondering, vassal to no lord, tied to no place, attached to no person. This all changes however when he meets Sylvi and she asks to hire him to escort her back to her homeland, a land he has only heard whispered legends.

It ,however, soon becomes apparent to Yoseif however that sometimes it is easier to travel alone, and having Sylvi with him is a mixed blessing, on one hand, he is no longer lonesome, on the other...Will he be able to survive not only her capricious whims but also avoid discovery by those who would brand them heretics and seek their demise?

 

 

 

Author’s note: this is a work of fiction set in a fictional world, though it is based on medieval Europe, which was undeniably shaped by religion. I do not intend on preaching whether religion is right or wrong, this is simply a story of a man who is finding his way in the world and coming to his own conclusions. Please don't take offense if his beliefs are different from your own as he is a fictional character and I think he would have a hard time debating with you, what with him being not real and all... Also people might think you were crazy for attempting to do so lol. That being said I hope you all enjoy it! And feedback is welcome and appreciated!

 

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zdkazz

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javert
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Interesting story, grammar could use some work

Review written as of chapter 5.

My initial impression of this story is that the author knows what they're talking about-- they've clearly done their research when it comes to weapons and armor. I think that's a strong basis on which to craft a story, though I could do with some more worldbuilding.

I'm a little hung up on the religious aspects-- this is a story taking place in a fantasy world with different locations, magic, etc, but along with it comes all the trappings of Catholicism, including the bible and the pope. Considering that the bible (as a piece of literature) is deeply wound up into the geopolitics of the era in which it was written, I'm not sure how well that translates into a fantasy world were all the locations are different. I suppose that's something that either will be cleared up or won't as the story goes on, so I can't give a mark for or against that now.

I think the conceit of the story is fairly interesting. A knight errant is always a fun character to follow, though I wish we could see more of his personaility and backstory. One criticism I have of the characters is that I wish that the author was not describing Sylvi as a fifteen year old. Even though she's in reality hundreds of years old, it's not a great descriptive choice, since there's definitely going to be a romance between the two main characters, it's slightly creepy. At least make her look like she's in her twenties; it would be less weird.

Writing style is fine, though it's marred by somewhat glaring grammar mistakes. There are plenty of comma splices, missing or wrong punctuation marks, and run-on sentences. It's not unreadable by any means, but the author could definitely do to look it over.

Overall, I think this is a fairly strong start to the story, though it's unclear where exactly it's heading from the first five chapters. We know that our knight is going to escort Sylvi around, but there's no real indication of what kind of trouble they're about to run into. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Danduil
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Early review, has the potential to be great

 

Opening

Reviewed as of Chapter Five. 5/27/2019

 

Echos of Esamir is exactly what the writer has promised, a Spice and Wolf inspired story with its own unique style and flavors of medieval Europe. It’s ambition: to take on difficult and controversial concepts such as religion while also exposing us to its world.

The story aims to not only create and shape a full-fledged and believable world but also hopes to drive home a plot filled to the brim with interesting character’s. It also seems to be promoting a message I’ve already begun to uncover within its first five chapters alone. A message of acceptance.

Though I could be wrong. I guess we will have to wait and see.


Story

Storywise we’ve got a lot going on from the very beginning. The writer has done an excellent job getting us ingrained in the world with subtle mentions and hints of the bigger picture surrounding the main character Yoseif.

 

In a nutshell: Yoseif is a Knight Errant who meets Sylvi, a god-like entity that is hundreds of years old that takes the form of a fifteen-year-old girl and is tasked with escorting her around. The catch is, she has the possibility to get him branded as a heretic.

 

Religion seems to be a main focal point being used to drive the plot. It seems to be influenced mostly by aspects of Christianity and Catholicism as it mentions both the Bible and the Pope. However, as it is early in the story I believe that the author will soon begin to make clear distinctions as to what religion in his story is vs. religion in our world. All around, I think it's great.

 

Religion is a very difficult subject to comment on, and even critique, and I find that fantasy stories are a great way to convey concepts that are often times controversial.

 

Kudos to the writer for taking on this difficult concept and running with it.



Style

Style-wise I would compare the writing to that of a diamond in the rough. The writer is doing a fine job building his world while also forwarding the plot, which is often times where many fantasy writers struggle. There is an excellent balance between world building and character development.

 

However, for as great as the world seems to be, and how excellent the descriptions of the world is, there is one glaring problem: dialogue.

 

It's clear that the writer has been a ton of effort into planning/shaping/writing the story itself, but not enough thought into the interactions between these characters. I am hoping that with time we get a little more emotion. The characters reactions seem to be a bit lackluster, or somewhat overdone.

 

Example:

 

From Chapter 4 - familiarity:

***

“You don’t get it!” She sobbed, pushing him off with her uninjured arm, he stood there looking surprised for a moment before speaking again.

 

“Don’t get what?” he asked softly, once again going to her side.

 

“YOU DON’T GET IT!” She pounded her fists on his chest until she was exhausted. “It was her, the goddess of the woods,” she said weakly. “She doesn’t want me to leave her forest, this was a warning.” She hung her head in despair.

***

As it is right now I think the dialogue is good, but with a little bit of love, it could be excellent. That is something to consider later though once you’ve given the readers more time with your characters.

My other point is the classic show don't tell conundrum which every writer is guilty of.

 

***

He did as he was told, swinging his leg over the newly dubbed Silas and looked down at her.

 

“And he listens. Ha!” she smiled mischievously up at him, and once again he got the feeling that he had no control over the situation.

***

 

This is a simple one, but I did notice while reading some other points where the scene could have been much more gripping by showing and not telling.

 

Instead of telling me he got the feeling that he had lost control, show me. You could add:

***

“And he listens. Ha!” she smiled mischievously up at him as Silas began to trot in place enthusiastically as if awaiting an order.

 ***

Just an example, maybe that's not how you were going for it, but its something to keep in mind.

 

Regardless, the style in which Echos of Esamir is written is excellent, and with tweaking, it could be superb.


Grammar

Grammar wise, its pretty good. I haven’t found any glaring problems aside from some things a re-read or two could fix.

There are run-ons, there are missing commas, and there a few oddly structured sentences, but it is highly legible. In the future, a great editor could make Echos of Esamir read like poetry. For now, however, I think that your grammar is great so please don’t worry too much about it and instead focus on the story as I’d really like to know where it goes next.



Characters

 

As of right now, we haven’t been able to delve very deeply into the stories characters. Yoseif seems pretty generic at the moment, but it's due to the fact that he’s exactly as described in his self-titled chapter.

 

***

The life of a Knight errant was even harder, while considered nobility when compared to the common folk they were still the lowest of the low when compared to the upper eschelons of society.

***

 

Yoseif seems to be noble, and morally good in nature, there isn’t much else to comment on yet. The one problem I have with him is that we are told he is interested in Sylvi. There's mention that she’s even captured his heart. My question is...how exactly?

I haven’t seen her do much aside from teasing him to warrant his affections as of yet. Perhaps we will get more of this later, but as of right now I’m not feeling a connection there yet.

 

Sylvi, on the other hand, has a bit more going for her. She seems clever, witty, and has a bit of a pompous attitude, which is evident in how she interacts with Yoseif. Its clear shes flirtatious, and even a bit of a trickster in a way. All around, she seems like an interesting character who I’d like to know more about.


Closing

 

All around I think Echos of Esamir has a lot of potential and with some fine tuning it could evolve into something great. Only time will tell. However, based off of the first five chapters, I can say that I am interested and looking forward to reading more.

 

Do I recommend Echos of Esamir: Yes, especially if you’re into stories set in a medieval setting with a heavy emphasis on religion and its effect on the people within it.

Nerodith
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(Some early support, up to chapter 5)

This story is about the journey of a knight errant and his female companion, a forest spirit who can control wolves. Sounds familiar? That's probably because it was inspired by Spice and Wolf. So if you liked Spice and Wolf, give this story a try. 

So far, it's very consistent. The world building is already great. It's beautifully written and, while I'm not a native speaker, the grammar seems nearly perfect to me. The characters are well-fleshed out and the flow of the story is great.

However, while the overall flow of the story is great, the story starts off pretty slow. You'll need to be a little patient for the story to take off. But if you are, you won't regret it as this story seems very promising !

Eskandar
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Seems interesting

Some faults in grammar, but it doesn't really detract from the story. The characters are good and interesting, and the interactions between them well written and realistic. I can't really say much for the story at the moment, as we're only at chapter 5, but the initial premise of a travelling knight could certainly go anywhere, so I look forward to seeing the story flesh out.

Vitok
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Really good start!

Read up until chapter 5.

I think the story and the world seems really fleshed out and realistic so far even though there are only five chapters. The tone has been laid out and I think it could be a good romance if it continues to make sense. 

My old problem is that the characters dont seem to have any motivations to like one anothe yet. Its also hard to figure out who Yoseif is because even though hes the main character he doesn't really say or do much.

Id really like to see the characters fleshed out more because the world itself is beautiful so far.

 

Its one of the better stories I've found here on Royal Road that isn't an isekai or a erotic fan fiction and is worth the read.