Heaven Chronicles: Raven rising (A LitRPG adventure)

by Roninek

Original HIATUS Action Adventure Fantasy High Fantasy LitRPG Magic Male Lead Portal Fantasy / Isekai Strategy War and Military
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore
  • Profanity

Imagine getting up one day. Moving through the day as usual, when an emergency broadcast tells you the world will end in an hour. What would you do?

Peter tried to reach his wife in the slim hope of surviving the apocalypse. As he raced through the city a mysterious message appeared before his eyes - promising survival. All he had to do was to accept its proposal. Wanting to survive, he did.

Join him as he is transported to the new world of Heaven. World of might and magic, where life is being governed by a mysterious force, that quantify everything and everyone into numbers, but seduces with the promise of great strength. Strength to change one’s life and become someone more.

Will Peter survive encounters with creatures he knew only from movies and books? Will he adapt to live of pain and violence? Will he find his loved ones? Will he find new meaning in his life?


Welcome to my first debut story. For years while reading every fantasy book I could get my hands on,  I had this craving to write my own story.

A few months ago, I discovered RR and LitRPG genre and finally decided to try my skills at writing. Below you can find my LitRPG fantasy portal story. I hope you’ll enjoy my work.

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Roninek

Roninek

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KoboldPatrol
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Nice variant of standard concept, needs editing

(as of chapter 25)

Just seconds before earth is hit by a global extinction event, Peter accepts the offer of being transmigrated to another world which turns out to be a fantasy one. He learns skill, fights monsters, meets companions and stumbles upon quests and conspiracies.

Style: The story is told in third-person style in past tense, usually from Peter's point of view. There are some short parts seen from somebody else's POV and sometimes the change is not easy to notice. Narration is okay, there are some descriptions but more wouldn't hurt. There's lots of LitRPG elements. The flow of the story is okay but some bumps could be smoothed out.

Story: The concept of the story is pretty standard with no big surprises so far, but the implementation is good (although not excellent). Ability progress is very quick, the MC learns skills at an unbelievable rate (goblin language to intermediate rank just from listening for a while is the most outrageous offender but killing dozens of monsters on his second day with a medieval weapon is a close second) and rare magic items are found behind every corner, I would call this a problem with story pacing.

Grammar: The author is not a native speaker and it shows. Most of the grammar is okay with a few errors of verb tense or spelling, I can always understand what the author wanted to say. The most abundant error is the omission of articles, according to an author's note those don't exist in their native language. This hurts the reading flow but I don't want to fault the author too much for it as learning a completely new grammatical concept is really hard.

Characters: The MC is mostly fine, he puts some thoughts into his actions and omit the worst errors we readers usually encounter. On the other hand he accepts the new world very quickly which isn't very believeable and while he asks for some details on how the world works he is often not asking about obvious mechanics. He's a guy trying to do the right thing. The other characters are a bit archetypical and one-dimensional. All in all the characters could benefit from more depth and the interactions are a bit too streamlined.

All in all, the story is fine with some smaller issues, I can recommend reading it for everybody who likes LitRPG but you shouldn't expect to feel too enthusiastic about it.

flriley
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Plot great. Needs edits

The plot is pretty good for this kind of transported to another world and gain a system type novel.  

The author used LitRPG mechanics very well.

The problem is grammar and editing.  It really needs a going over.  There are some glaring issues that could be easily fixed.  

I'd actually boost this to a 4.5 if the editing were fixed.

EDIT:  The author has made real efforts to edit his work.  He has started having beta readers help, and although still not perfect, it is so much better.  I promised I would increase his rating if he worked on the editing.  And I keep my promise!

Definitely worth the 4.5 stars!

Chilling_Monk
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It’s really bland, But Seed for Potential is there

In general i think it’s still pretty rough around the edges. 

Litrpg system seems pretty well done and interesting.

 

Introduction/transportation into new world was very rough. Might want to rework the first two chapters into something shorter and more interesting.

I think the entire part with the djinn thingie and the 3 questions and later on the meeting with the god could be reworked into smth more cohesive/logical. 

Why does everybody meet a different god and get different things ? Maybe give the people the choice to choose a god/perks bestowed by them in exchange maybe for a task or smth like that. 

 

Mc Personality is pretty rough as well, he is supposed to be an intelligent,a bit bored with normal life, kind of guy who loves his wife deeply and wants to find her in this new world.

then he goes and throws his head into every next mess he can without real regard for safety or thinking and barely remembers his wife. 

A lot of the last point could  be resolved with just better portraying his thoughts/ideas/intentions/logic than just going he did this and this and this. 

Why give the girl he just met the better, rare weapon he just found ? 

The way you wrote it he just seems like a dumb goof, should he not have thoughts about his own survival trying to get back to his Wife ? 

If you explain maybe that for now he thinks she can be more effective with the sword since he’s has no experience with it or smth like it makes much more sense. 

There is a lot of instances like this one. 

Why would he try to fight all the goblins in the Cave ? Seems like unnecessary risk with the caravan rescued. Especially since he doesn’t have any intel on numbers etc. in the cave 

Was it really just for being sure to not  be followed by the rest of the goblins in the cave ? 

Greed for exp ? 

Maybe arrogance after first few successes ? 

Make him think about his choices.

What would have happened if they had just hurried away with the caravan ? Does he feel responsible for the deaths of the dwarves in the caves ?

Stuff like that, a look into the mcs personality and mind. 

 

Up till now he seems like thoughtless Jesus incarnate. 

Ah, just met this dude I don’t really know and on top of liberating him let’s gift him a small fortune even though I don’t really have much myself just because he’s from earth as well.

 

yeah, all characters seem super npc flat until now to be honest. So that’s definitely a weakness you can vastly improve upon.

 

Writing could be better but for the first few chapters it’s ok I believe. Some grammar and spelling mistakes which can also be corrected after a read through by yourself or an editor.  

 

All in all I think your novel has got real potential worldbuilding wise. I especially like the integrations of the charters into the litrpg systems. The only serious issue i really feel you should work on seriously is the characters. Compared to him everybody should be a way higher lvl but whatever, this kind of stuff I dort really mind tbh. 

 

For now i recommend pumping out as many chapters as possible to get more readers and then maybe a little mini rework of the first 2 or 3 chapters and a bit of revision of the rest. 

Maybe after completion of the current arc. 

 

Really looking forward where this goes in the future 

 

Edit: 

i have rated it down from 2,5 to 2. 

i might actually take back my earlier point about rushing more chapters out. I feel the story is incredibly rushed and loses a lot of quality due to that. I still think your worldbuilding has really good potential but I can’t really come to enjoy the story.

I was really hoping for a bit of a breather in the city miniarc, but you headbutted straight into the next mess and it really doesn’t mash well. I obviously can’t tell you how to write your story but right now it’s still missing the Core quality to turn it from 2 Stars straight to 4 or more.  

Will be dropping this for now and check back in a few months for improvements 

 

 

HamsterDesTodes
  • Overall Score

Review as of chp 27 - good story, bad english

The story is a pretty standard new-world-with-game-mechanics litRPG tale, but with a few well-reshuffled ideas and a clear-cut motivation for our MC. I very much like the story itself.
Sometimes the video-game logic is taken a bit too far for the MC to be on a new, 'real' world - for example, why are other adults still so low level that our lvl1 MC ever got a chance - but that's pretty normal in litRPG as well.
I like the mercenary idea and the quests leading up to that are well created and straight forward.

Unfortunately, the author is pretty obviously not a native English speaker - going by the missing articles I would say he's Russian - and that's at times rather annoying.
A good beta reader would easily add 1 or 1,5 stars to this story.

 

PS your dwarves don't absolutely have to speak a strange accent. If your English isn't the best in the first place, don't try to do the Scottish dwarves on top of that. Just have them speak ordinary English, nobody will complain!

chay
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the story could be good, but need some editing, a lot of sentences are missing some words (the, a, any etc).

i find the plot armour a bit too obvious (saved 4 times by luck in one chapter)

i can understand he received a boost to luck, however low level luck should not be reality bending or the author should not tell everytime his hero was saved by luck.

you need some health management, being at 20% health and be fine 5 minutes later is not ok

i stopped at chapter 6.

Van234
  • Overall Score

Ok read. Review after chapter 15

Decent reed, good language,ok transportation to new world. Everything pretty standard, but good enough.

The system itself nothing interesting, at least for now.

The only problem I have that I do not believe in this adventure. I can not understand how this world is working, like MC health, average damage, and number of enemies do not compute for me. things like how he arrived to the world and can be on same level as everyone who lived there for years. They had whole life to grind skills. 

But if you are ok with this and want a light reading, then I recommend it to you. 

 

Misery's End
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Was a nice Isekai until the MC finds a book

The novel really has a good hook, in the beginning I happily read a long and was able to ignore the poor grammar, sentence structure, and missing convective words. What kills any interest and driving force behind this post is the utter disbelief and anger at how stupid the MC gets once he starts getting closer to civilization. It really is just one trainwreck after another that continues to be pushed forward by horrible choices and plot armor.

Aspartame
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I want to like this so badly. Sometimes it reads like it was written by The Incredible Hulk, where the author decided to eschew all those pesky (and mostly pointless) linking words in the english language.

Forever_King
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EDIT: The author has improved leaps and bounds with his editing. I now retract my previous review. 5 stars all around

CyclopsSlayer
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Good but unexceptional story, terrible grammar

As of Chapter 20

 

First off, the good:

The transfer and System are nothing new, but the authors take on them is still fresh enough to be enjoyable. 

The MC has clearly not thought out his three questions, failing to ask the most important one or even give it consideration. Where is Caroline? more in the second part.

 

Okay, the Bad:

Language skills exist and feature prominently. Yet his companion speaks in English, not the local tongue. Other races use a dialect of English and not whatever native tongue.

Writing, it is obvious the author isn't a native English speaker, but they would vastly benefit from a native English speaking beta reader. Terrible sentence structure, missing words, incorrect words. If I were to do a markup, and I am not an editor, there'd be more red than text.

 

I will read more, in hopes they edit and clean things up. However, my tolerance is not huge...