The Power of Systems

by Pandalicious

Original HIATUS Action Adventure Comedy Fantasy Anti-Hero Lead GameLit High Fantasy LitRPG Magic Male Lead Portal Fantasy / Isekai Reincarnation Ruling Class Secret Identity

And—he’s dead.

Ryan, a 5’11” young man died. Sadly, he couldn't be put at rest just yet. To his utter surprise, he’s reincarnated in a new world, but not as a baby. Ryan’s body is still in the same condition from before he was killed! What a lucky day!

This courageous young man finds himself in a new world full of kingdoms, adventurers, and mysterious magical creatures, but he doesn’t quake in fear. He faces it head on like a classic hero from stories! How will this adventure continue? Well, something important ends up happening within the first few minutes of his reincarnation in a new world. He dies to a petty goblin, unlike how one thought the events would flow.

His luck with surviving things unscathed is not so great, but with some help from an unknown power, he will prevail over all! In the near future, It’s very possible that this power will also allow him to control everything from behind the scenes.

Taking over kingdoms with thought out plans, fake identities and most important of all… overwhelming strength!

Check out “The Power of Systems” today!






  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score
  • Total Views :
  • 31,583
  • Average Views :
  • 1,215
  • Followers :
  • 146
  • Favorites :
  • 48
  • Ratings :
  • 54
  • Pages :
  • 174
Advertisement
Remove
Go to Table of Contents
Rate it
Fiction breaking rules? Report
Advertisement
Remove
Author
Pandalicious

Pandalicious

Novice Writer

Achievements
Great Review (IV)
Good Commenter (III)
Word Smith (IV)
Good Reviewer (IV)
I Am Ascending (IV)
Group Leader (III)
Advertisement
Remove
Reviews

Leave a review

DefinitelyAGiraffe
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

You should at least try it!

I'm writing this review at the end of Chapter 5.

 

Let me preface this by saying that my opinions are not fact. What I think about this story is not law, and by all means, you could have the polar opposite opinion. So please, look at what I say but don't treat it as the final verdict; make your own opinion by reading the story as well.

 

IMPORTANT: I will be putting spoilers in this review. Read at your own risk, obviously. However, the more important ones (imo) will be put in the spoiler tag, others won’t be. Please remember that this is written at chapter five. There are likely things I put in here that get explained later. Anyway, let's begin.

 

Style:

 

I have no queries with the style. If anything, it's actually quite easy to read. In my opinion, this is an improvement from your older story. However, I don't particularly like the time-skips but I understand why they'd be necessary. It keeps things fast-paced, but I personally don't believe this is the sort of story that should be fast. Although, that is my opinion and clearly you know what you're doing and where you are going with it.

 

Spoiler: Spoiler



Story:

 

This is where I struggle. The story has promise, and I like how it changes over time with how the MC's opinion changes. An immortal person with a hellish, anti-hero intent. That's pretty fun. But first, I need to unpack the prologue.

Spoiler: Spoiler

 

Altogether though, I like the idea of the plot. It varies from other stories that I've read which makes for a nice change. (Please be aware that I do not read this genre often, so I'm not that well-informed.) Every time Ryan dies, he has the chance to get a new skill on his resurrection?




Grammar:

 

I haven't noticed that many flaws, and they certainly don't take my immersion away. The only reason I have noticed them is because of me writing this review, and I was specifically looking for these sorts of things. It could be a little more imaginative, but that's not a flaw in the slightest.




Character:

 

Ah. The big one. Ryan, by the end of Chapter 5, should basically have no emotions. Yet, his compassion or 'calculation' made it so he didn't kill the scientists. After dying 100 times, the weird effect should've taken full control at this point. Especially when you consider that him dying three to four times had him noticing the change. Is he immortal? He feels like Captain Jack Harkness. Able to die and regrow limbs when he gets resurrected. Makes me wonder where the threat is, considering it reads like he can't permanently die.

 

Personally, I'm not a fan of the whole emotion thing. Sure, it's explained in the story, but it doesn't change the fact that I cannot relate to Ryan in the slightest. He doesn't seem human, he doesn't really think human either. Everything is said through his thoughts, so we get his opinion on things, yet we still get situations where it doesn't seem realistic. If memory serves me correct, there was a moment where he predicted something that shouldn't have been possible.

 

Side characterisation aggravated me. The farmers not believing that he was human means that there must be really cool monsters. Monsters that can wear human costumes, or shape-shift, or impersonate. That opens up for a whole lot of potential. Except, they have no way of telling them apart. You'd think that the humans would've adapted, and found a way to tell a real human from a monster one. But that's a negative, because Ryan has to die in that hole due to the farmer.

 

Then, back in the village, the very same farmer sees him again and kills him. In a public area. No one tries to stop this. So it begs the question: are people backwards, corrupt, or plain idiotic? I have to go for all three when the tax issue comes up. It just annoyed me. I felt separate from the situation because I couldn't put myself in Ryan's shoes, so it just felt like I was reading an injustice. Unable to help. (That's good writing though, I'll give you that. If you can make a reader feel something, you've succeeded. I just didn't like the method you used to get there.)

 

The characters didn't feel real in the slightest with their odd motivations. This was something that I noted in your older story, was the focus on predefined roles. Obviously, it's necessary for the story and the classes, but it still makes me feel weird. One thing that confused me was the stealth skill in chapter five. Did the scientists not notice that he just disappeared? Usually stealth works in the sense of 'they can't see me' but that doesn't really work when they were staring directly at you. Additionally, the room was full to the brim with people who wanted to see him. Surely they'd notice that he just slipped away (unless the skill made a projection of him, but that's not explained or stated so I don't think so).

 

I feel like Ryan hasn't thought about what he should do by chapter 5. Everything seemed to rush by in the blink of the eye. After being subjected to the clear class-discrimination and fatal flaws in the punishment system, he still wants to rule everything from behind the shadows. Not burn it to the ground and start anew - a literal immortal leader. Or take over the quadrants and make them fix their issues. He just wants to be untouchable and let others go through the same pain he did, except without the safety cushion of immortality. This is where I struggle to relate and emote with him; why should I want to follow the story of someone who's motivation is 'something they read in a light novel'?

 

Because Ryan seems like the kind of person with compassion. Is he really going to subject people to torture just so he can try and live his dream from a light novel?

 

However, I do have to admit that this is quite good for building up the anti-hero side of it; so I commend you Panda on that front.

 

Personal things: why are there so many references to Japanese culture (the whole 'otaku side of me' thing)? It makes me feel like this is targeted towards a Japanese audience, because I had to google what those words meant.

 

Would he really think of the letters 'XD'? It made me feel like I was reading a 2016 internet forum page, rather than the inner monologue of an anti-hero MC.

 

Lastly, would Ryan actually censor himself? Just by using an asterisk? In my personal opinion, if you're writing speech, or thoughts, either commit to cussing and write it full, or just don't swear at all. I don't know anyone who thinks a swear and puts an asterisk in it for censorship.




Overall:

 

It's new. It's unique. It's full of promise. Now that I enjoy. There is vivid imagery that I adore, splattered throughout the first five chapters. It really helps in setting the scene and feels like the strong suit of Pandalicious. The style compliments how the MC thinks and makes it feel wholly more natural, so I congratulate you on that front. The story makes me wonder, but as I'm five chapters in, I am seriously not in a place to dismantle it. There's always room for change and adaptation. Keep up the good work with the grammar.

 

Continue writing this story, you've got a lot to build on and you've built up a great premise. I expect good things from you. Even if I have pointed out a few weird things, they're 1) my opinion, 2) could be explained easily, and 3) probably me over-analysing something that shouldn't be analysed. Go and read the story and enjoy it. Otherwise you're missing out.

Obvious
  • Overall Score

Continued to read it and it's bad. I tried, I really tried, but the author just forces the plot along, disregarding and neglecting character, setting and ironically... plot. It's bad. Seriously, have some care for your mc. He doesn't even think about ANYTHING and not in a way that makes any sense. It's like a loose daydream that is being rushed.

Thunderpuppy21
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

(Bad punctuation incoming) Ok I wanna start out by saying that everything I’m about write is directed too the author as constructive criticism. I don’t want you to feel like I’m attacking you or your story. Because I do genuinely respect you putting it on the internet due to your desire to write and improve. The reason I say this is that I can be harsh and tend not to sugarcoat when trying to give CC. Okay with that out of the way I want to say this story is one of the most action filled stories where I literally felt like nothing happened. Oh ya just wanna say I didn’t finish the story I don’t like reviewing without finishing. But honestly, the first ten chapters left me with no desire to even read any more so I couldn’t, sorry. Now I want to delve into where the problems with this story lie because I’m trying to be constructive, so let’s start with the protagonist. So the main protagonist is a emotionless protagonist who doesn’t care about things around him. And this type of protagonist brings his own issues that need to be addressed as a writer. Namely that how are we the audience supposed to care if the protagonist himself doesn’t. Best example of this is in the torture scene I read through that whole thing and felt NOTHING. Not because the torture wasn’t something horrifying to imagine happening (though I’ve seen and read much worse) but because of a myriad of reasons, but the main one being the protagonist didn’t care at all, no anger,injustice,sadness or anything. And that’s the issue if he doesn’t care why should I care. Alright next problem, is a writing problem, the problem is that things happen too fast there is no buildup to climactic events and no payoff for those climactic events so instead of things like his slaughter of the royal family feeling rewarding and intense they are as flat and lifeless as his talk with the farmer. There needs to be buildup to these kinds of things and I can see you trying to do so. You have the antagonists do bad things to the hero but your missing a crucial step in that buildup.Character Development. Let me put it this we as the audience don’t care that a bad thing is happening to a person in a story. We care that a bad thing is happening to a person we care about, in a story by someone we understand. And that segways to the next issue. The antagonists, the antagonists in this suffer from the previous but I can see attempts to make them feel interesting like the interaction between the princess and the protagonist about the tax. But antagonists are missing two crucial things; development time, and nuance. So as an example I’m going to use Jane and try to turn her into a better villain. So first off how about we spend 20-40 chapters with Jane in the prison. And we see her doing horrible things to the protagonist but as time passes and his anger subsides a little we see them begin to converse and we learn about her as a character. Like that she doesn’t enjoy hurting the protagonist in this way but she has a sick sister(this could be any reason) with an incurable disease and she wants to use the protagonist’s undying body to try and find a way to solve this sickness. And when the protagonist breaks out maybe he stumbles into her office and sees pictures of her with her sister all happy. Or even her sister on a bed all decayed and covered in boils from the disease but still barely alive. Stuff like this allows Jane to feel more human and less like a cartoon villain. And then when the protagonist finally begins making his escape she tries to stop him. And while trying to stop him she tries to convince him, by telling him things like, with his undying body they could find cures to any disease and, the amount of lives he could save with his sacrifice. Before he ultimately kills her stating that he does not want to sacrifice himself, this would then develop him as a character showing us the audience he considers himself more important than others. Alright there’s more issues but this is long enough. To the author I want you to know I write this out of respect for you and your desire to write. And while I talk a big game I’ve never wrote a story I love to learn about how to write stories and analyze stories like this for mistakes. But the actual act of writing in and of itself is not fun to me so I probably won’t ever write one. I hope you see this and use what I’ve said here to improve your story and yourself as a writer. Peace (also sorry for terrible punctuation I’m retarded on that front)

NobodySpecial
  • Overall Score

Chapter 5 and i'm dropping it

 so far the story can be summarised as, MC gets stronger by reviving after death and if there is any way the MC can die he will

Spoiler: Spoiler

 by the end of chapter 5 i was very convinced this novel is basically just a wish fulfillment powertrip, anybody looking for a well thought out story should look else where because it most certainly isn't here

Is that a reference
  • Overall Score

What doesn't  kill you makes you stronger or in this case what does kill you gives you new skill to play around with

I feel that the events in prologue might happen in the near future not close  but it might be much farther in

honestly like the take on the skill taking mc type hope this gets more attention in the future

comedy is ok  not much to say right now (chapterr 4)

Try reading it  This might turn out great 

blabuc
  • Overall Score

Very funny, more imagery

The story while seemingly not set on one goal, at least yet, is funny and nicely paced.

It's very satisfying to see the character progress, especially since we don't see much grinding.

I'd suggest using more descriptive language for the city, for example, describe the dirt / clean cobblestone roads, the tight alleyways littered with recruitment papers for the knight tournament, it's not a big thing but it makes the story more immersive. :)

The Reviewer
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

The Reviewer on another novel:

Nice job on your second novel man! (I noticed on your fictions tab) Continue to write and I guarantee you'll get somewhere. Review as of Chapter 1.

Style:

Personally, your style of writing is pretty creative and I enjoy it. The funny remarks Ryan sometimes makes is enough to bring a smile to my face. If you continue to write in this styel, you got me to support you, but if you decide not to. It's fine by me, I'll just update my review then!

Story:

I'm liking the story right now. I know others might say isekai is overdone, but I can't get enough of it. I've read all the good ones and been looking cosntantly for more. If this can become big like the more well known novels posted elsewhere, notify me when you do.

Grammar:

Easy and concise. Perfect, can't see any mistakes.

Character:

Once again, the character has already made an impression on me within the first chapter. He's a funny and cool guy. I don't know if you'll change his personality later on, I'll just wait and see.

Conclusion:

Nice job on the start of your second novel! It's been a great read so far, and make sure you don't stop until the end! 

P.S. Hope this wasn't demotivating in any way.

-The Reviewer

Escape Velocity
  • Overall Score

 Im speechless. Thats it. This has incredible potential, and the amount of detail and effort put behind it is incredible. Great job, and I hope to read other works by this amazing author in the future!

Leumas
  • Overall Score

A woe is me story

A story about a boy who is treated unfairly on earth, dies and reincarinates on a fantasy world, and is treated unfairly. Alas, he gains the power to defeat his wrongdoers, and goes on to be treated unfairly.

Avid reader 79
  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score

Awesome attempt at a second novel!

This novel is so much better than your first one I think! After reading the reviews of Omega System and then seeing this novel instead really makes me wonder how easily someone can improve!

Style:

Way better than before. Storytelling is unique, kind of like first person japanese novels which isn't very common this site. Great work!

Story:

Story is good so far and you can tell was more planned out than Omega System. This time, everything that happens has a reason behind it and not just random thing.

Grammar:

Perfect, nothing else to say about that.

Character:

Character is ongoing and doing well. I would've loved if those characters like Dochet and Chiyian had more screentime beacuse I would've loved to see their character develop alongside Ryan's. Don't know if they may come back in the future though.

Nice job writing a second novel man!