Living a Regular Life with a Game System

by SaltyJon

Original ONGOING Comedy Fantasy LitRPG Low Fantasy Male Lead School Life
Warning This fiction contains:
  • Profanity

From a seemingly regular family, a baby was born. Unknown to everyone, the baby acquired the ability to access a game-like system. As the baby grew up, he was able to learn more and more about his system and gained abilities outside the norm. 

How will his life be affected? What can his system do? Why does he have it?

These are all questions that he wants to know. Whether or not he finds an answer will depend on him and what he does.

  • Overall Score
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  • Pages :
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Deacold
  • Overall Score

Too many voices in one paragraph

When writing dialogue, it's best to have one character speak in each paragraph. Having multiple voices appear can and will lead to confusion; not many can follow along.

Chapter 4 was when I noticed the pattern emerge in the story, and after reaching up to the last one, Chapter 26, I've found that I cannot reccomend this to anyone until this issue is fixed.

Don't get me wrong, the story in and of itself is interesting. However, when the dialogue contains more than one voice in it, it becomes a confusing mess of "Who's talking?"

wolfgang784
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Has no idea what a child is

Unfortunately I had to drop this at the snowball fight chapter right near the top. I tried to power through a few chapters hoping that the story would get better because I really liked the idea of it. 

Unfortunately, the author has no idea what a child is, and that ruined the story terribly. The MC is supposed to be a normal child apart from the system but he constantly acts like a teenager in a childs body.

- He can navigate the system at 7 months old

-Says kindergarden is gonna suck and be a long 2 years? Not a kid thought

-This quote is from a supposed 6 year old. "Rather than a straight-up wall, I’ve decided to shape it more like a triangular prism to increase the stability while also leaving a small area for me to hide in. There is another hole big enough for me to fit in but that’s where I’ve left my snowballs, I can also hide there once I’ve used all my snowballs in case of emergency."

 

Why the hell does he know what a triangular prism is when his math skills and such are still so low? He constantly shows knowledge that he should not have. 

Plus he talks to the menu out loud and nobody ever notices. He also never mentions it to anyone? Even if he thought it was normal a toddler would have said stuff about it.

Overall I just really cant recommend this story  in its current state. It needs a complete scrap and rewrite.

Ringostrauss
  • Overall Score

Not everything needs to be tolstoy.  This is a fun light read about a boy born with a system.  It seems very slice of life, and reads quickly.  It could use a bit of editing for depth, and minor minor flaws in grammar.  None of which detracts from reading it.  I look forward to amusing myself every week by reading a bit more. Thanks for sharing your idea with us.

Cranium9
  • Overall Score

good needs more worldbuilding

its a good story but it needs more worldbuilding before he should go on a true adventure

Silv
  • Overall Score

Like reading multiple short stories following 1 character no real plotline/storyline but definetly enjoyable.

PieCrushYumYum
  • Overall Score

The personality of the main character dont really click for me. It seems quire forced. Still a ok read tho