The New Self

N’s head hurt as if he had been hit with a huge hammer. Little colored dots filled his view, too numerous to count. He tentatively tried to recall his surroundings. Where was he? ...In Lucie’s room. What time was it? Likely morning… First time of his life he woke up so disoriented though. Who was he? ...He knew the answer but refused to say his name. N it was.

All he could hear was a continuous, straining noise drowning out everything else. He tried to move, to open his eyes, but everything felt bizarre - like he was submerged in jam, rendering his movements difficult.

In time, the stars were lowering in number and the noise in volume. He was regaining his senses slowly. “Hey! Wake up! Hey! Heeey!” He heard Lucie shout from just above him, like she was avoiding calling him any specific name.

“Mmmh…” He murmured, still groggy. He tried to lift his arms up and managed to grab onto Lucie, who fell over on him as his arms coiled back towards his torso. He could feel her trying to escape his grasp, to no avail. What was he even doing?

Struggling, he gradually opened his eyes. He was exactly face to face with her, and she was as red as a tomato. She squeaked in surprise and managed to pry herself out, his arms unceremoniously dropping on the sides.

Trying once more to stand up, he managed to approximate sitting by putting all his weight on his arms. His whole body felt different, but not in an alien way. In fact, the usual discomfort of moving about was gone, it seemed… natural for once.

The pajamas from yesterday, originally too tight, now felt just right on his body. Had they stretched during the night?

“You have… changed.” said Lucie, covering her mouth with her hand like she did yesterday with Sam.

“W… What? What happened?” He managed to extract out of his vocal chords and mouth. It wasn’t his voice. Well, not his usual voice anyway. This one was higher, and… And… And…

Reality suddenly crashed down on him and he was back to his full cognition, stupefied.

He was smaller.



His mouth was agape in surprise. He had become a g… A gi… The thought refused to come out, but he knew it exactly anyway.

“I’m a…” He started, looking down his shirt and blushing at what he found.

“A woman.” He looked at Lucie, who had just spoke up. She had scuttled on her knees back next to him. Gigantic tears were pouring down her face.

“Yes.” He simply replied.

“Oh gosh I’m so sorry are you okay is this okay are you feeling fine please tell me you’re not losing it like I am-” She blabbered out.

Instincts took over and he jumped forward to hug her. “I’m okay.” He muttered. “I’m okay.”

The embrace continued for a little while, until Lucie calmed down. “You’re… Okay? As in okay with this, or just okay?”

He didn’t know what to respond. She understood that’s what his silence meant.

“Have you thought of a name during the night?” She asked with sincerity, letting the hug come to an end.

This question could have been taken as a non-sequitur, yet it felt like it belonged to this conversation all the while. He understood why she asked now.

And, matter of fact, he’d found one, just now. Being called N felt better, it was simple and short, it lacked just a notch of flair. “Anna.” There. Now it was him.

“Do you want to try female pronouns?” Lucie queried gently.

“I don’t know.” She lied. She wanted to, she so wanted to... Anna so wanted to try being a she. But it was so frightening.

“Do you want to continue with male ones?”

“Absolutely not.” That answer, comparatively, came so naturally.

“I understand, Anna.” Lucie said with an emphasis on her name. She observed her for a moment. “Wow, your hair has become so long.”

“It has?” Asked Anna.

“Yeah. There’s some strands that go as far as your middle-back.”

She felt her eyes tear up in joy when she heard this. She buried her face in Lucie’s shoulder and sobbed.

“Even if you’re not sure this is what you want…” Lucie told her, “Let’s try making you go with she and her, okay? As a trial period. If it doesn’t feel right we’ll switch to something else.”

“Okay… Okay.” Muttered Anna through Lucie’s shoulder. She held herself back up.

Going second in changing back to her everyday clothes, Anna noted how baggy her hoodie looked on her, but it hid her curves just as needed. She had to get to school to inform Mr. Robert, and her transformation was way harder to just wave away like Sam did their change. She had to make it look like she was still a boy, and the plan they’d come up together for now was her usual clothes, a medical facemask, and sunglasses. It’d obscure her face well enough, and she’d just feign a sickness for the voice and refusal to drag her hood down.

It was shaky at best. But it had to do for now.

And she didn’t even want to think about her parents right now. She didn’t want them to see her like this. Like… herself.

The two girls had come down to the kitchen, eating their breakfast in awkward silence. Lucie’s parents were sat right opposite of them, doing just the same. Her dad had his nose in his newspaper, and her mom was staring at Anna with unbridled suspicion. The whole ordeal was very uncomfortable to her - and the cereals tasted bland too, yuck.

“Now, I don’t mean to pry, but...” Started the oldest woman in the room. “Wasn’t this kid a man before you two went to bed?”

Anna’s heart skipped a beat as her disguise was busted in an instant.

“It’s complicated, mom.” answered Lucie, trying to deflect the subject.

“No, no, I get it. You just rubbed off on him haven’t you?” She accompanied her joke with a greasy laugh.

“Moooom…” Lucie groaned, and Anna relaxed.

“Kids these days can become so hard to get, don’t you think, honey?” Lucie’s mom said with a wink, elbowing her husband to get his attention.

“Well, our generation wasn’t exactly the easiest to work with either. Remember our nights of sneaking out to listen to punk bands and get wasted on cheap beer?” He answered without breaking his gaze off his newspaper.

“Aah… Those were the days.” She answered with mock-nostalgia in her voice. “You should try growing a mohawk again, sweetie.”

“Not sure my boss would appreciate it.” He said, turning the page.

Anna felt so… normal here. Lucie’s parents were weird, and she fit right in. It didn’t feel constantly off like back at home... She produced a sound halfway between a giggle and a sob, not sure herself which one of the two that was supposed to be.

“You alright, kiddie?” Asked Lucie’s mom.

“Yeah, yeah, I just… It’s just a flake that went down the wrong way.” She coughed as to make her lie more believable. “...Is it fine if I only drink the milk and leave the cereals behind?” She’d found chocolate ones which, according to the taste, must’ve been in their cupboard since before the move.

“I’ll tolerate it… But you’re on thin ice now, missus!” She joked.

“Moooom!” Growled Lucie with a hint of frustration.

They quickly strapped their bags to their backs -oof , was it always that heavy?- and went out the front door. They needed to get to school early to meet up with Sam, Jules and Mr. Robert to discuss the recent… development.

But right now, Anna didn’t really think about that. She just felt happy.

“Sorry about my mom back there.” Explained Lucie. “She can get very annoying sometimes.”

“How so?” Asked Anna.

“Well, you know, the constant prying, and bad jokes, and… all that.” Lucie replied, herself growing unsure she even had a valid reason to be angry at her mom.

“I like your mom. She’s cool and caring.” Anna replied.

Even through the facemask, Lucie could tell how much Anna was smiling right now. She sighed. “Yeah… I guess she is.”


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About the author


Bio: I write the LGBTQ gender bending stories I wish I had when I was a teen, and all the internet had was cis gaze erotica. I write so that future trans kids have better stuff to look at to figure themselves out than what I had.

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