The Immortal Dragon And Dragon Girl

by Rokson

Original ONGOING Adventure Comedy Fantasy GameLit Magic Multiple Lead Characters Slice of Life Strong Lead

Im on an adventure!

To find some treasure and glory

But what is this

A dragon on my path

What should i do?

Lets find out! 

 

My little sister made the cover art! THANKS A TON <3

Here's her artsy-fartsy instagram. Give her some love @zacke.h

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  • Ratings :
  • 29
  • Pages :
  • 355
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Zethuron
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A cute, Silly journey of a human and a dragon

Overall this is a fun story to read, through with many flaws that are almost all situated in the writing style and grammar used by the author.

The story starts with the simple-minded and carefree MC meeting a intelligent but lazy dragon, a ton of shenegians ensue from their meeting with the girl being her pushy simple-minded self. The uneasy relationship between them develops in a weird way over the course of their adventure.

Im of the opinion that it would greatly help the readablity of the story if the author did structure the sentences correctly, the current way makes it far harder to read it overall. Through this way of writing like poems has its own benefits for the story, even if its just so hard to read.

Another thing different with the writing style is that the author very often, writes the same event from two different point of views in different chapters.

The writing of this story could be improved a lot in just so many ways. For me the grammar in this story is not a that big problem, but i can see why some people can get turned off by the current quality of the grammar. Some small fixes would already help the writing quality. There are also those mistakes that are done on purpose, mainly in the girl chapters. Correct usage of puncuation would also help since its used seemingly random currently.

This story is certainly not for everyone, with the major flaws it currently has, notably grammar being the biggest problem, but also the differing writing styles used in the story for the different POV's. But if you can manage to get past that, you will most likely like this crazy and cute adventure.

Zacken
  • Overall Score

Such an endearing story! I know you say you’re not the best at writing but not everyone is good at spelling and that’s not really important to the story. It’s not that serious! And you seem like you’re having fun with this story so no need to apologize. :^) There are some things that could be corrected, such as inconsistencies with where you place a period or comma at the end of your sentences, and where you do not. I do love how you ignore a lot of rules of writing, I think it really fits your story and kind of makes it feel like a long poem instead. But again, just try to be more consistent with the style of the story so it is clear when the grammar etc is supposed to be wrong! I think the most noticable thing is the change in language and spelling depending on which character’s perspective you’re reading from. The girl is a light hearted and simple minded girl who seems to take life as she sees it, while the dragon is much more complex as a being and proud of what he is. I think you’re incredible at writing characters. 

Toma
  • Overall Score

Was not too sure if I even wanted to review this but considering how good the cover art is, I want to help you out.

The grammar is atrocious. Really nothing you do with the story will make people read it if the writing is at this level. Not even talking about your unbearably simplistic writing, your use of periods and commas seems to change constantly. You do not put exclamation marks when a character shouts(sometimes) and the way every line is separated is completely nonsensical. It ruins anything that could be salvaged if we ignore all the previous points. Your "I's" are in lower case, by the way.

I am not going to comment on your story, world or characters because honestly, you can do whatever you want with those.

But I do wonder why you even bothered writing this with a gaming system when you seem to completely forget it, would have been better to keep this as simple fantasy when the system doesn't add anything.

Like I wrote in the beginning, your cover is good. That gets a full extra star from me, your sister's drawings are great.
Despite my harsh criticism I hope you keep writing and, hopefully, improving. Good luck.

Nocebo
  • Overall Score

Sentence followed by sentence

There are sentences.

One sentence after another

Separated by new rows

Sometimes there punctuation marks.

Sometimes there aren't

Page after page

Following a ditz.

And a plot armour

Armour is thicker than a politicians face

Should have written skin of politicians face

That would have made the sentence too complicated

There is also a tsundere dragon

That may not be dragon

Or maybe it is.

After meeting just skimmed

Looking for a status

Haven't found

Skill notifications are nice red text

There aren't any box