Du Fyrn Vanyali

Du Fyrn Vanyali

by Nkight

Hiro, a boy raised out in the sticks by a caring handyman father, will soon realize his dream. All his life, Hiro had always dreamed of becoming an adventurer. To be able to explore unknown dungeons and plunder its riches or to save damsels in distress. However, it was but a dream.

That was until he chanced upon an ancient artifact lost through time.

With the help of the artifact, Hiro's dream may not be so far off. Follow Hiro as he begins walking down the road to fame, adventure, and into the books of history.

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Inspired by the Inheritance series of Christopher Paolini.
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Author
Nkight

Nkight

Definitely Not A Penguin

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Bearcat
Overall
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Story
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Interesting world-building and plot, difficult to love MC

Hello everyone + author,

 

I have to say that this story is a joy to imagine in your head as you read through. The author provides just enough detail to give us a feel for the world and the characters without being too cumbersome.  The fight scenes are engaging and the conversations between characters largely realistic. Using Paolini\'s story was inspired, providing a unique twist on the world of magic and fantasy compared to other stories on this site. For the reader\'s who are considering this, please be advised that the \'mature\' flag is really only for language and vanilla-y sexual situations that never continue past 1st base (as of ch. 39).

 

The main detriment to this story though is undoubtedly the MC himself. (This next section is mainly for the author.)

 

After reading through the comments and completing the current chapters (39), I understand that you wanted to provide growth to the character. Can\'t just start a story with the MC already reaching his full mental, emotional, and physical potential. That would be hella boring. However, his mentality and maturity is painful to read in the first 80% of the story and even after that. I had to skip over the slave auction scene and a few others because his whole outburst had me thinking, \"what a brat.\" Not because I don\'t agree with him, but because he\'s an idiot who obviously never learned anything about restraint or dealing with others in general from his father.

 

When determining a character of such importance as him, it\'s critical that you think about your target audience. We may be able to empathize with his lack of common sense due to his humble origins and \"perfect environment,\" as you described it, but an exceedingly rare few readers can sympathize with him. And that\'s what makes it painful. It\'s lacking a connective resonance that is vital for readers to identify with your characters if you want to try from the \'emotional\' angle like you do in this story. As is, he\'s an anime/light novel shounen hero with a dollop of \'unwanted harem\', \'accidental pervert\', and \'prophecy\' tropes.

 

If you were writing this for an audience of 11-15 y/o boys then I apologize, as this would be on the money and I would adjust my character score back up to a 4.5. I always assume a higher age audience with this website due to the amount of \'mature\' tags and such. Really though, I hope you don\'t get down about my analysis, I meant what I said at the beginning. I really enjoyed the story, so much that I kept clicking the \'next chapter\' button regardless of my dislike for the MC. I hope you\'ll use what I\'ve mentioned to improve your writing when it fits and wish you the best of luck as you continue this story. 

 

Yotsujiro
Overall

4 star for your story yey

the story given in more or less detail that needed to explained

and i like the slow pace story not a fast pace story think it like this how can you make story in future if the given time to the story have been cut 

yeah to explain why i gave you only 4 star because ur still new here keep the consistency because the Amateur writer and Pro writer the biggest point is consistency 

Thanks for the keep it up

EvilKatamari
Overall

Very detailed and nice Story!

Sure the pace might be a bit slow but the author tries to set up and explain his world. Some other ff’s got criticized for not doing just that, seems like it’s impossible to please everyone.

To balance Raizens troll review I added another star.

12/10/15 Edit: Removed one star, the way the story progresses has become a bit clunky (starting after the training in the special room) and his interactions with the opposit gender is very cringeworthy.

Just my opinion: The system of Bard academy is a bit forced as well, the MC has just recently started to get stronger but already manages to scare the headmaster? A bit underwhelming, if everyone just reveres him the interactions between Teachers and him will become bland, fear is not a good basis for student – teacher relationships.

Combat strenght relies on all the aspects which the classes are divided into and it’s a bit silly if you have access to all the classes to only be able to apply to one specific class. It would have probably been better to structurize Bardus academy into a College, where you can take different courses to your leasure and advance to more difficult classes trough tests instead of being forced to decide on a class and stick with it.

Teachers would then be there to guide the students, gauging their strenght and weaknesses and guide them on the right path to imropve themselves.

I don’t know, the story just feels alot more different than in the start and I can’t seem to continue reading it, but it was a good start and I hope my edit is not meant to be a rant but my personal opinion.

imafallen
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

This story had a lot of promise. The system of magic was interesting, and the world was well fleshed out, for only the thirty or so chapters. Unfortunately, this story was severely lacking when it came to the main character, and the speed of the story. I swear this main character, who should have the mentality and intelligence of a 16 year old, feels like a freaking 8 year old child. On top of this crippling flaw is the terribly slow pace of the story. While i can understand going slow to fully develop a character and world, this story spends too much time with building said character and world, and not enough time on anything actually meaningful happening. These two faults crippled what could have been an interesting read, and that is why I rated it at two stars.

Brezer
Overall

Love the story I really hope the author comes back. People complain about the MC but really he is just a country boy that never been around society or ever killed anything other then wild game so he is growing character wise and you can see changes toward the last chapter.  All though I would like to see him open his eyes toward the blonde bombshell and take a lead there.  

Story is good combat is good it was going well no idea why the author poofed.  

Please come back.

iRick
Overall

A good story, just a little too slow … but since the author tries to set up and explain his world, not much to complain about!

Edward
Overall
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Story
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Character

The Magic War - Underrated story!

For those who do not know what the title means, it is written in the Ancient Language. A language imbued with magic itself. Legend says that it is impossible to lie in the Ancient language, the one true language of the world… 

Du Fyrn Vanyali – The Magic War

I can already say that this story is clearly underrated. The world and character building that I really strive for is greatly depicted in this fiction. The  main character has immense power and talent, as well as prophecy to go along with it. The same as many other stories on this site, you think? Far from that! Magic with backslash, magic which can kill you if you don’t watch out.  Action scenes which are depicted amazingly well. You won’t get a teenage buy who suddenly can do a whole dozen of sword techniques when he first takes the sword into his hands. No. He actually learns all his techniques, scene by scene! 

Aside from that, there is also some comedy aspects in the series. While some might argue that they might not be the best puns ever, they are clearly giving the story flavor. A half-crazy, power-hungry old wizard who got himself into a terrible situation, a half-crazy magician girl, who is also a childhood friend, who woes the main character with a twisted personality.

Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t perfect, far from that. But, relatively speaking, compared to some other stories out here on this site. I can definitely state that it deserves a lot more praise. The plot is extremely well formed, the pacing is great as well and the current plot twists (chapter 29) is enough for me to bookmark this page and have to check in every day two times at least to see if there is any new releases. 

This is not your run-of-the-mill fanfiction, while it does have elements inspired by other works, it is as original as it can be in this modern times where every artwork is basically a copy of something else. 

All in all, I dare you to read it and found out yourself. I hope the author keeps writing and makes not just a few chapters out of it, but finishes it as a proper book, or even series. It clearly has the potential for it, and the author, though he needs to grow, has a amazing writing style by my opinion.

Last thing to say, I hope people will review this story in the future, for more feedback to the author, hopefully the story will get even better from now.

maykol2688
Overall

Really liked your FF and hope you will continue.Also didnt see any problems that affect the story and i like how you take the time to flesh out the story.

hannes1991
Overall
Style
Story
Grammar
Character

The story is interesting and contrary to some other people I don't think that the story progression is to slow. Slow is a relative term. It isn't possible to please everybody. At the current point the story has enough interesting points. Also the story points aren't redundant. In the future it may become an issue but that is a problem that every writer has to face. At the current point I like this story very much and can't wait for a new chapter.

luluvibritania
Overall

review ratings seriously?

Good Story i Love It this star system is silly forcing people to write a review just to rate a story which inturn spams the review area with people that wanna rate but not review hence me and this pointless review