Rivian Musk

Rivian Musk

by Dawodd

Warning This fiction contains:
  • Gore

   A simple one chapter short story of an elite soldier in battle. However, certain unexpected shenanigans will ensue.

  p.s
 Credit to my friend M.S for the idea of one of the characters, you know who you are (;

  • Overall Score
  • Style Score
  • Story Score
  • Grammar Score
  • Character Score
  • Total Views :
  • 284
  • Average Views :
  • 284
  • Followers :
  • 2
  • Favorites :
  • 1
  • Ratings :
  • 2
  • Pages :
  • 8
Advertisement
Remove
Go to Table of Contents
Rate it
Fiction breaking rules? Report
Advertisement
Remove
Author
Dawodd

Dawodd

The Bird

Achievements
Good Reviewer (V)
Top List #500
350 Comments
Word Count (11)
250,000 Views
1,000 Followers
3rd Anniversary
100 Review Upvotes
Premium Member
Advertisement
Remove
Table of Contents

Leave a review

drakan_glasses BE NICE! Fair critique is fair, but be respectful & follow the review rules. There will be no mercy.
Reviews
Sort by:
Not_A_Hat
Overall

The prose here is fairly sound, though there are several instances of weird word use. Things like:

"The besieging army had been sent and lead by King Henry of England."

Firstly, 'led', not 'lead'; one's the metal, the other is the past-tense of lead, the verb. Secondly, it's conceptually difficult to lead something you send, since things sent are moving away from you. This should be more like 'brought' or something. Strangeness like this happens throughout.

Also, numbers under three digits (zeros don't count) should be written as words, not numerals.

All in all, though, the story is entirely readable. It's not perfect, but it's good enough.

As for the story-ness of the story... eh.

There's not really a whole lot here. I mean, it's technically a story in that there are a series of events that happen, but I don't find myself invested in much of anything that goes on, and, because of that, I have no emotional response to what happens. The encounter with the temporal pizzaman is curious, but not actually funny or important to what transpires; it's just a sorta 'that's odd' aside.

I... Urgh. I try to avoid this, but I'm going to have to give what I consider some of the nastiest criticism possible: this story is boring.

For a story to really grab people, it needs to make them care about the characters and what's happening to them, and then put them in situations where that care evokes an emotional response from the reader. If they love the characters, that's good; if they hate them, that's sometimes better. I... don't care about Rivian Musk, I don't care what he's doing, and I don't care what happens because of it.

It is possible I'm simply outside the intended audience. Maybe if I sympathized with Rivian's motivations more, or felt I could identify with him as a person, I'd have a different reaction. But... I have no experience being a knight, and his motivations seem to mostly consist of 'do whatever Henry tells him'.

Yeesh, that feels harsh. Sorry, author, I don't want to be discouraging, but that's really how I feel about this. Your prose isn't bad, the story doesn't have any major plot holes, and there might even be some basic three-act structure here. It's just... not interesting to me.