A Super Robot story

by Seerica

Original ONGOING Sci-fi Gender Bender Portal Fantasy / Isekai

A young man that loved piloted humanoid super robots throughout his life, wakes up in the world of his dream. And soon he discovers that he's not the only guest in this world.

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Seerica

Seerica

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l nimbus
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Okay, this story has be sitting on the fence. On one hand, it's flawed, very much so. On the other, it has potential, lots of it. Uniqueness too. Those two sides form a teethering balance, one which sways between the two as the story goes on. While leaning heavily towards the former early on, it tips toward the latter as the series goes on.

I don't want to say it. You prolly don't want to hear it. I'll say it anyway; It gets better.

Story:

If I'm blunt, I'll say this; ASRS is very confusing early on. Oh, there's a plot and it's coherent, but much of it lacks context. The overarching plot, which is realized by the reader over time, is that the MC is trapped in a video game he often plays. Most of the story is, of course dominated by mechs, mech customization, and mech battles. They get better as well.

One thing I felt was lacking was, say, solid rules regarding what mechs can and can't do. Much of your stuff, while not half-bad, seems to have been thought up on the fly. I would know. Been there, done that, wrote a whole damn book with it.

Style:

It works. That's what my distinct opinion is. It's not anything remarkable, or so flawed you can't read it.

One thing, though. Your chapter breaks, to indicated scene switches, seem to only be a single space more than usual. I'd advise using a symbol of some sort to make them easier to spot. So, instead of guessing at skips, they'll actually know.

Grammar:

Yeah, this section could use improvement. It's readable, and not as bad as some of the stories I've seen. But good grammar always gets more fans. Some quick things I noticed.

- More often then not, you use exclamation marks (!) or periods where you should use question marks (?) instead.

- Some run-on sentences. If it feels too long, it probably is. My rule of thumb.

Just these at this point. Your grammar has gotten slightly better over time, so your improving.


Characters:

 Again, your cast is serviceable, but could use work properly flesh them out. In particular, lore, backstory and some characterization is lacking. We know very little about the actual world, it's people and their stories. The side characters unfortunately feel flat, aside from their names. Tsune/Lyle is lacking at times too. My advice is to take him/her, and add flaws. Take a online character sheet, you can Google them, and fill it out, get a very clear, in-depth image of them. Their favorite foods, what they're bad at, moments from their childhood they remember, future goals, etc etc.

 Do that for the side characters as well. And add descriptions. Stuff that people notice and remember, like contrast. Stuff like; Wears a perfectly clean suit, but the underneath of their nails are dirty. Was a buzz cut flat enough to land a helicopter on. Try descriptions like those.


Critique and Advice:


 • Get a cover; This is one thing I recommend for every RR author who doesn't have one. It doesn't need to be a perfect fit, but anything with a cover gets more views and readers than without one. Even if it's just a giant, robotic middle finger, put it on. Covers are also required if you want a chance at reaching Trending, where your story will gain the most exposure. So, getting a cover is a win-win either way.


 • More context early on; During the first chapters, I was VERY confused. Was Lyle from Earth? A future Earth? Another world? This is something you could clarify in the first chapter, and make the read much easier for people, instead of having them constantly guessing at things. As I got further in, there were more and more instances and things that were expected to make sense, but didn't.

 • Talking thoughts out loud; I find this severely cheapens the effect of a scene when a character talks their thoughts out loud. I'd recommend just removing the quotation marks and just having them think it instead of holding a conversation with thin air.

 • Okay, just this. What kind of world would have mechs and whatnot, but still sell packs with random things in them? Or are the mechs simply virtual reality things I was seriously confused at that point. Explain more into stuff like that. Some readers may know what this is about, but other won't.


Closing:

 Don't get me wrong here. This story has some good ideas, and a unique premise, but it needs work to become what it really wants to be. There aren't all that many mech stories here on RR, so it should stand out a bit, if it plays it's cards right. Get the basics, like a cover and interesting sypnosis. Re-write the first chapter to flow smoother and give more context. (I know it sucks, but those first chapters are what will convince readers to stay for your hard work in the later chapters.)

 Form the basic core of the story. Try making it clear what the story is building towards in order to get people to stick around for more. Flesh out your characters. Try looking up some witty dialogue/banter tips if you want something fresh.

 Do that, and you'll improve. None of us are born great writers. We have to learn and improve.

Cheers, L.

JeanDRacc
  • Overall Score

Videogames and Robots!

Cool story about robots.

The first chapter might be a bit confusing but after it gets better when you understand the context of the story. There is a lack of such stories in RR, which is why I suggest you read it and support it!

Give it a try. 

Rustle Roots
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A Super Robot Story

The premise is unique in that there's not much mecha stories on here so as L Nimbus previously said... it has a lot of potential! I certainly agree on that part! Onto the review! 

Story

'Our protagonist is a young man that loves super humanoid robots... and he wakes up in the world of his dreams!' Super robots exists! He's definitely going to get the chance to operate one that's for sure! I love that idea, it certainly appeals to the hearts of young men and ladies alike. I spent a considerable amount of my childhood playing Super Robot Taisen on my Gameboy so I'm probably one of the targetted demographic so heh. Seriously, Super Robots! Go take a look at it!

Now it's not all fun and games though, there's certainly more than what appears in the initial surface, some tension and events that I'm clearly enjoying but I won't tell because you'll enjoy it once you read it, so go ahead and take a look~ (Which is different from the one below)

Spoiler-Not so spoiler?:

 

Style

Seerica formats differently than what most readers are used to. Author can perhaps change it, or the readers will have to get used to it. It was a bit difficult at first to read through, but once you delve through the story... it'll be much much easier!  

The narrative flows neatly although shifting scenes can be quite confusing and sudden. It improves though!

Grammar

Quite adept in the verse of grammar, hardly noticed any typos although some tenses could be improved in the former parts. As someone fairly familiar with mechas, I can imagine the descriptions nicely although there are instances where perhaps an explanation or further describing things would be beneficial! Would definitely love a glossary for first time mecha story readers!

Character

The protagonist underwent something life-changing, and it's fairly nice seeing things through their perspective. It seems whimsical, fun and carefree in their perspective as they start living in this new world that they consider their dream. Perhaps it's because they're not here to save the world from a certain imminent doom so I find the character quite pleasant and relaxed to read about.  There are things that will change as the protagonist learns more about the world and faces his inner turmoil but it doesn't swamp you down. I like the protagonist and the other characters too! Not as well-developed but certainly endearing!


Great work Seerica! I'll definitely read more of this work!

PS. 

Love the cover! 

The Reviewer
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Another Glance Review by The Reviewer:

It's an ok novel, I've only read up to chapter 3 so this review is as of the chapter mentioned.

Style and Story:

The style of writing is ok. There's enough desciriptions, but the diolague part is a bit confusing. I don't want to scroll to the top of the page just to find out who is talking if you know what I mean.

The story is problematic. The prologue was this battle against a machine with a bunch of people shouting out things. But then it shifts to the pov of a girl in an academy without any explanation at all. A bit more info such as a flashback or even narration about how the situation came to be would help. I just don't understand the scene shifts at all.

Grammar and Character:

There were a few spelling mistakes and misplacements of punctuation. Overall, not bad and still not a problem reading sentences.

The character relates then again to the story. The end of the prologue was a make talking, and then a sudden shift to a girl's thoughts in chapter 1. Doesn't make much sense to me. The personality of the girl was cloudy as well. Why does she hate her parents so much? Is it because of the skirt? Why does a skirt make her hate her dad, and nervous in front of her mom? I may have misunderstood this event, so please correct me if I'm wrong.

Overall, not a bad start on your novel. Yes, it could be improved but you got lot's of time to do that. Take your time, QUALITY>QUANTITY! 

Hope this wasn't demotivating at all and continue to write regardless of what others think!

P.S. A cover would help a lot. It makes readers more intrested and it looks more visually appealing as well.

-The Reviewer