It’s rude to be drunker than your host. That’s why a good host gets loser drunk.

  • Isaiah



8 Hours Later - Candy - The Danger Lab

I wake. Stare at the new ceiling. What now?

I can’t rebuild the God Machine. I can build a space lab, but I don’t know how to get it working. I also don’t know how to use it. I doubt there will be a big red ‘Build-God-Machine’ button. I’d have to play umpteen rounds of laser roulette with Lair to get it done. If I won the laser lottery, and didn’t get ashed, I’d have to deal with the complications of the tactical space junk. And then figure out how to turn the God Machine into a teleporter. All before the Optimals murder me. Which they almost did yesterday.

At some point this plan went from desperate to stupid. That’s cool. Failure is part of the process, right? You haven’t wasted your time if you’ve learned something. So, what have I learned?

Well, I’ve learned how to launch ballistic nuclear weapons. I could do that all day long. I’ve got a pretty well defended base. If Lair can handle thousands of high speed drones, I figure trespassers aren’t going to be a problem. I suppose they will kill me eventually. Some kind of poison cloud, or radiation burst, or starve me out. Maybe not. Doc-Danger liked nested contingency plans. Who knows what Lair is capable of? I bet there’s a nutrient bioreactor and a case of Fresh Start kicking around somewhere. This whole operation has a doomsday prepper vibe.

So, is the new plan the old plan? Blow up some shit to show I’m serious, then tell the Optimals to knock it off? Dang. The old plan isn’t less shit than it was before. Whether I use a teleporter or nukes, I don’t have the smarts or the stupids to back up a global destruction ultimatum.

I could probably leverage my own freedom. If all asked for was to be left alone, they’d be fools not to take that deal. I wouldn’t need to stay here either. I could hide the micro-nukes anywhere, have Lair or Lawbot set them off if anything happens to me. Hell, the nukes are small enough, I could hide thousands in my pubes. Make my pussy all mutually assured destruction.

I could be the only free person on Earth. I rub my eyes. I should just take the drugs.

I make some breakfast. Drink whiskey. Smoke. Clean up a bit. Get the rest of the ATV’s right side up. Gather up stuff that blew from the cabin. The beds are trashed, but I rescue as many books as I can find. The medical equipment is busted. I collect the boxes of drugs. There is a box of Fresh Start.

I read a few of the books. Well, kind of. It’s mostly physics stuff. Hard to get into. I drink more whisky. Get ryed up. Why not?

I check my phone. Still no news. No one on the hypno-clone looking for love. I open the Optimal app. More physics. No thanks. I open the sex survey. It’s changed. There’s no questions. Just a big button that says ‘Trust Us’. Fuck you guys. I press the button.

I sit by the fire with Lair. I flick off my hypno-clone. He disappears. He’s just a hypno-clone construct. I knew that. How the fuck does he keep the fire going?

I’m poking through the firebox, looking for robot arms, when I hear a helicopter. I look at Lair. He looks back. I shrug. Go outside.

The helicopter doesn’t land. It hovers about 20 feet up. A woman jumps out. She’s huge. Brawny and fierce. I’m horny and scared. Is she here to fuck me or fuck me up?

“S’up Candy.” she says.

Holy fuck! It’s Orcette!

I slam into her. Kiss her all over. Grab her everywhere. Cling to her. Rub myself on her. Give her the entire squidmaid experience.

She laughs. Kisses me back. Carries me into the cabin. I continue my frontal assault. She’s solid. I like it.

We get inside. She sees Lair. Freezes. “That’s not him.” I say. “Just his robo-butler.”

She relaxes. Looks around. I look around too. Where am I going to fuck her? “Yo!” I yell at Lair. “Clear the table.”

Lair nods. The micro lab sinks into the table. Lair stands, walks to the door. “I’ll, uh, secure the perimeter.”

Good man. I flop on the table, pull Orcette on top of me. We make love. I’m so happy. I cry.

Afterwards, we cuddle by the fire. “We thought the Optimals killed you.” I say.

She shrugs. “They tried. I ran. Eventually.”

“I’m so glad you’re here.” I say. “I have plans. Well, parts of plans. We can make them into plans. Do you want to make plans with me?”

She laughs. “Yes.” Her phone chimes. “Excuse me, I have to go to work.” She pops a blue pill. Walks out into the darkness.

I sit in Lair’s chair. I watch the fire until it goes out. Call Lawbot.

“Set up a meeting with the Optimals.” I say. “I want to settle out of court.”

Lawbot’s on the phone for almost an hour. The Optimal CEO is interested, but wants to meet in person at his head office. Typical. Whatever. “Set it up.”

Lawbot talks a bit more. I zone out. Eventually, he hands me a virtual invitation to Optimal head office. Apparently, head office is invite only. Posers. I look at the address. The Sugar Lab?

“What the fuck? They set up their headquarters at my club? They took over my lab?” I frown. “That feels personal.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t bitch about it around Lair.” says Lawbot.

I’m not listening. I’m looking at the signature authorizing my invitation. A smiley face with X’s for eyes.

“Oh no.”


“I found Deadman.”


About the author

Doctor Zero


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