By weight, the human brain is the most valuable resource on Earth. But only if you use it. You can’t just keep a pile of them in the basement. Doesn’t work.

- Mr. Brightside


2 Weeks Later - Candy - The Sugar Lab

I wake up, check my phone. People are mad at Captain Industry. Not unusually. I go back to sleep.

I wake up again, head to the shower, turn on the hypno-clone. I’m sleepy. I close my eyes and soak. Rather than perusing profiles, I just put mine up. I hear breathing, sense a presence. Open my eyes.

A massive creature is in the shower with me. She has the head of a bull, big arms, huge saggy breasts, and her lower body is a giant spider. My suspension of disbelief is taking a beating. How is she fitting in my shower?

“What the fuck dude?”

She hangs her head. “Arachnotaurs need loving too.” she whispers.

I erase the walls of my shower. That’s a bit better. Seriously tho. Aww, what the hell. I tell her I’m down for whatever this is. Wait! What am I supposed to rub? That little nubby thing? I go fucking crazy on the little nubby thing.

We chat a bit as I wash my hair. She’s really nice. I friend her.

I head to my kitchen. A drone delivers a slice of pizza. Dammit! It smells delicious. I check the mushrooms. They appear store bought. I eat it.

I take a more serious look at the news. It’s all about Captain Industry and Mr. Brightside. Captain Industry is our handsome, charming, President. Mr. Brightside is the thorn in his side. Apparently, they’ve had another polarizing debate.

I ignore the commentary, and download their debate. This could be important, best get it first hand.

As I’m settling in to watch, my doorbell rings. I wave my hand, and my hypno-clone edits out my front door. I see a stranger in a suit. He’s handsome.

“Come in.” I say.

He walks in. I flicker my VR contacts. He disappears for a second. He’s not really here. I don’t care. Not sure why I checked.

“Hi.” I say.

“Hello.” he says. “Are you Candy?”


He hands me a card. Bond, Hughes, 3000. Attorneys at law.

“Do you know the whereabouts of The Darkness?” he asks.

“What? Why?” I’m shocked.

He waves some papers. “I need to give her these. You are the last person who saw her. That is alive.”

Jesus. He wants to serve The Darkness. Fuckin’ bonkers. “Would you be Mr. Bond, Mr. Hughes, or Mr. 3000?”

“Please, Mr. 3000 was my father. Call me Lawbot.” He smiles.

I smile too. “No, I don’t know where The Darkness is. We’re not friends.”

He nods. “Understood. Can you tell me about these people?” He hands me a list.

I look at it. I feel heavy. It’s the enemies of The Darkness. The victims of The Darkness. My friends.

I don’t know most of the people on the list. Not personally.  I point out the few I do.  "Leviathan is dead. Deadman fucked off. Doc-Danger is MIA. Megacles and Lodestone went looking for him.” God Machine isn’t on the list.

“Hmm, yes.” he says. “I’m sorry, I have miscommunicated. I’m not looking for these people, this is a list of victims. Are you not aware that they are dead?”

I shrug. “I stand by my earlier remarks.”

He smiles. “Of course. Are you interested in joining the lawsuit? You certainly have cause.”

“I don’t know.” I say. As Guardian of Humanity, I really should find and deal with The Darkness. “I don’t know.”

“Understood.” He gestures to his card. “Please contact me when you do know.”

Lawbot leaves. I should watch the Captain Industry clip. It could be important. I go back to bed.


About the author

Doctor Zero


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