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D: We’ve had cloning technology for decades. No one does it. I don’t think anybody really likes themselves.

M: I would clone myself to get rid of a hangover.

 

3 Weeks Later - Farfaloo - Bitchin' Meadow

My name’s Farfaloo, and I’m a pretty unicorn! I’m frollicking in a meadow! It’s awesome! I love this meadow! Meadows rule! There’s butterflies! And a stream! Fucking A! I hop around, all four feet jumping at once! I get mad air!

I come across a big bull. He’s frollicking too, but it’s more of a lazy, rolling around affair.

“Sup bull! Nice horns!”

“Thanks. Right back at ya.”

We frolic in the general vicinity of each other for a while.

“Hey bull! Wanna have a race!”

“Not really. I like rolling.”

“Aww, come on!”

“Okay. But if I win, I get to fuck you.”

“Deal! But if I win, we get to race again!”

I fucking love racing!

I tear off, bouncing all over the place. Big Bull fumbles to his feet and lumbers after me. At first, I’m just poking around, trying not to lose him. But as he warms up, he gets really fast. Goody!

I kick it up a few notches. He keeps the pace. I lean in, really open up. He closes the gap. I feel great, happy as fuck, I love this. I don’t know if I want to win or fuck. Ha! I can do both!

I look behind me, to admire his form. He looks furious. He has a monstrous erection. Monstrous like, it could destroy a city. Well, that sucks. I think I want to win now.

I take a funny bounce that shoots me sideways into the woods. I slalom around the trees at top speed. My bounciness makes me peerless at direction changes. But I’m actually losing ground. What he lacks in agility, he makes up for with a big fucking head that can bash through trees.

I'm going to lose this race. Normally I'd be fine with that - I fucking love racing! But today that makes me sad. I don't like the big bull anymore. I don't like how he knocks down trees. I don't like his angry face. I don't like his huge angry dick.

Okay, fuck this. On my next bounce, I spin and shoot back at him. My horn slams into his chest with a bang. It gets caught on something. His spine perhaps? I shake my head until it comes loose, cutting him in half in the process. Blood and gooey mess fly everywhere. Then I stomp on the bits for a while. He’s mostly ankle stain now. I stab the biggest remaining chunk - his head? With a flick of my neck, I fire it deep into the woods.

Problem solved.

I relax, and sink down into a bed of flowers. I sink in deep. Impossibly deep. 10 feet. 20 feet. Miles. Forever. It’s very relaxing. I sink deeper and deeper, until I finally reach Candy’s bed. I love Candy’s bed. What the fuck? I’m not a unicorn! Oh fuck, she hypnotized me!

“Did I agree to this?” I ask.

“Yes.” says Candy.

“Why?” I ask.

“How do you feel?” asks Candy.

I sit up. I’m sweaty and shaky. I don’t feel bad though, more like I’ve been worked hard. It starts coming back to me.

“Holy shit. Was that a workout program?”

“Yeah! I know how much you hate exercise, so I came up with a hypno-assisted workout!” says Candy. “You were supposed to enjoy an exhilarating fantasy, while your body works through a set of isometric exercises. How was it?”

“Uh, I was a stunned unicorn…”

“Yeah, I thought you should stay true to yourself.”

“Thanks. Did you add a weird sex component?”

“Yeah, I thought you should stay true to yourself.”

“Ha. Well, it was a little too freaky. Ran off the rails.”

“Oh no. I’m sorry. Did you not like your partner?”

“Partner? That was a real guy? Oopsie.” I say.

“Why? Did you let him down hard?” asks Candy.

“Yes I did.”

I give her the lowdown on his brutal slaying.

“Oh my. Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.” says Candy

She talks on the phone for a bit, then turns back to me.

“Well, he had a great workout. He pooped himself, and will never fuck or sleep again, but he’ll have great definition.” says Candy

“Oops.”

“Yeah.”

“I think you misjudged how scary massive bull cock is.” I say.

“I gave you a horse sized vagina.” says Candy.

“Oooo… I hadn’t thought of that. In that case, I’m ready to go again.” I say.

“Yeah, I’m running low on expendable minions. Let’s get drunk.” Candy says.

“Okay. Sorry.” I say.

We pop a few brews, and get frisky. Candy heads to the shower. I turn on Mr. President while I wait for her.

Mr. President is meeting with economic advisors. The advisors have diverse and contradictory plans to stimulate job growth. Mr. President cuts them short with a blast of reality.

“Job growth? What fucking jobs? Business will take whatever tax breaks we give them and buy robots. The only thing we need humans for is science. And blow jobs. Science, sex and rent. That's gonna be the whole economy in a few years. Wrap your heads around that, and come back with a plan that gets me re-elected.” says Mr. President.

A damp naked Candy flops down next to me.

“Super science and dirty sex? Well, dang. The future sounds alright.” says Candy.

I turn off the TV. We chat and eat, then head down to the club. Brian has a new batch of MicroBrew. He starts with a light beer, then he adds pot and caffeine, then trace amounts of various life-extending pharmaceuticals and psychedelics. This batch was called Friday's. It was a heady brew. We drain a few, and get goofy. And slightly immortal.

We debate how we will spend our new found immortality. I want to tour the universe, but Candy likes the convenience of Earth.

“All my stuff is here. Also, I evolved here. It's pretty nice. Also, I hate commuting.” she says.

“Those are all solid points.” I say. “I guess I’ll have to bring Earth with me when I go.”

“And the sun and the moon?” she asks.

“Sure. We'll take the whole solar system. We'll just wrap it in a supercomputer and take it on a gravel run through the multiverse.” I say.

“Yay!” Candy hugs me.

An imposingly handsome man enters the club.

“Who’s that?” Candy asks.

“That’s ours.”

“Really?”

“What’s mine is yours, baby.”

“Damn.”

I wave Agent Happy over. He saunters over and greets me with awkward cheerfulness.

“Hi Megacles.” He waves at me, even though I'm like a foot away. “Hello Lodestone.”

“Excuse me?” says Candy.

“Uhh, sorry.” He says. “Hello, you must be Candy.”

I'm enjoying his nervousness. He's adorable. But, I love him and I'm not cruel. I slide him a Friday, and pull out a seat for him. When he sits, I give him a big kiss. Relax buddy, it's safe here.

We give him a few more drinks, and he catches up to our idiocy. I offer the tour of the club, and we all head to Candy's office. She strips and drops to all fours. Her bum wiggles hypnotically.

“I think she likes you.” I loudly whisper to Agent Happy. Candy giggles.

“Better hop on before I do.” I say.

He strips and dives in. I smoke and watch. They're lovely. I let them play for a while, then I weasel my way in. A girl can only stand so much foreplay.

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Doctor Zero

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